Read The Israel Bond Omnibus Online
Authors: Sol Weinstein
The Israel Bond Omnibus | |
Sol Weinstein | |
About Comics (2011) | |
Rating: | ★★★★☆ |
All four of Sol Weinstein's classic Israel Bond Oy-Oy-7 spy parodies under one cover for the first time. Loxfinger; Matzohball; On the Secret Service of His Majesty, the Queen; You Only Live Until You Die - thousands of laughs apiece, cheap humor that's even cheaper in bulk!
Writer Sol Weinstein once wallowed in total obscurity. Then in the 1960’s, that turbulent decade of sit-ins, sexuality and spies, he crashed into print via Playboy Magazine and Simon & Schuster editions of his four novels (Loxfinger, Matzohball, On the Secret Service of His Majesty the Queen, and You Only Live Until You Die) starring Hebrew Secret Agent Israel Bond (code name Oy-Oy-7) and now he occupies a giddy new status – semi-unknown. Some thriller fans suspect Sol, a native of Trenton, New Jersey, may have been influenced a whit and a tad, a bushel and a peck, a smidgen and a widget by the literary output of a Pommy, but Sol swears by all that is ambiguous he has been living in an alternative reality in a galaxy far far away from Onan Lemming, Iam Hemming, or whatever the lady’s name was. Yes, Oy-Oy-7 was licensed to kill, but his organization also permitted him to maim and even to hurl really hurtful invectives at a foe. If the situation demanded it he could also perform a memorial service over the victim. On one occasion he learned he had just killed an individual who was a practicing Dryad, so he solemnly sang Joyce Kilmer’s “Trees” to the corpse. While filling pages with Lead, Bloodbath & Beyond (a retail chain he founded in the 1970’s) Weinstein also pounded away at his still serviceable Remington portable supplying television waggery spoken by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope, Sammy Davis Jr., Danny Thomas, Bobby Darin, Orson Welles, Anthony Newley, George Burns, Alan King and the immortal ginmill tippler Joe E. Lewis whom he dubbed “The Staggering Socrates, The Pickled Plato, The Aristotle of the Bottle.” In 1961 he penned the music and lyrics to an end-of-the-night ballad “The Curtain Falls,” which Bobby Darin used as his act closer. It’s also been recorded by Bob Hope, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme, Danny Aiello and Oscar-winning actor Kevin Spacey, who, in his role as Bobby Darin, sang the song in the biographical film “Beyond the Sea”. Sol now resides in New Zealand but continues to fulminate hot concepts with huge marketability. He is currently offering a screenplay that would revive two iconic teen queens: “Gidget and Tammy Rock Out at a Berlusconi Bunga Bunga.” He pronounces a favourite ethnic food as “kiegel”, not “kugel.” (That’s Sol, not Berlusconi.)
5 The Terror from the Top of the World
7 “This Can’t Be the Regular Group!”
10 “You’ll Like Mara, Mr. Bond”
12 Oh Hell, the Gang’s All Here
2 Rotten Roger: The First Call
4 “There Will Be No Third Striking”
6 Rotten Roger: The Second Call
7 The Eyes And Thighs Of A Fawn
8 Rotten Roger: The Third Call
11 Poems To Touch The Heart, Turn The Stomach
16 Rotten Roger: The Last Call
18 It’s All Over But The Shooting
ON THE SECRET SERVICE OF HIS MAJESTY, THE QUEEN
4 “My Boys, They’re Killing My Boys!”
5 Those Vines Have Slender Shapes
6 “The Martini Gave You Away...”
7 Candy, I Call My Killer Candy
11 There’s Something Strange In The Heir
16 Dee Dee, Da, Da, Da, Da, Dee Dee
18 Blood And Sand And Blood And Blood—
20 This Pond’s Minus Honey And Almonds
21 For “The Clipper” And “Mighty Mick”
25 All’s Fair, In Love And “La Guerre”
26 The Tale Of The Little Princess
27 Ain’t That A Kick In The Glass!
3 “Making Rove On Me—Fast! Fast!”
5 “Forget About the Black Room!”
12 “When You’ve Been in the Biggest Oyster There Is”...
14 A Fitting Climax Requires a Fitting
16 Bowling Brawl in the Bathhouse
21 Not All Lox Is Smoked Salmon
25 Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones
THE
ISRAEL BOND OMNIBUS
by
SOL WEINSTEIN
THE CHARACTERS, PLACES AND EVENTS IN THIS MASTERWORK ARE WHOLLY FICTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLANCE, BY NAME OR OTHERWISE, TO PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD, ABOUT TO BE CONCEIVED, ABOUT TO BE BORN OR ABOUT TO DIE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
Since the author has been informed that his sensitive masterworks of the real, the true espionage are popular with American servicemen, he would be grateful if his devoted readers would, upon completing them, send them to USO clubs, military bases, and hospitals, etc., instead of placing them in vaults next to precious jewels, furs and documents, or in time capsules, as so many have done. (Flattering, but unnecessary. Your sickening hero worship is ample reward.)
LOXFINGER
© Sol Weinstein 1965, 2011. All rights reserved.
This novel originally appeared in abridged form in the October, 1965 issue of
Playboy
. This edition reprints the 1965 expanded novel, with new revisions made 2011 by the author.
MATZOHBALL
© Sol Weinstein 1965, 1966, 2011. All rights reserved.
This novel originally appeared in abridged form in the December, 1965 issue of
Playboy
. This edition reprints the 1966 expanded novel, with new revisions made 2011 by the author.
ON THE SERVICE OF HIS MAJESTY, THE QUEEN
© Sol Weinstein 1966, 2011. All rights reserved.
An abridged version of
On the Secret Service of His Majesty, the Queen
was serialized in the July and August 1966 issues of
Playboy Magazine
.
YOU ONLY LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE
© Sol Weinstein 1968, 2011. All rights reserved.
This edition has been reedited by the original author from his 1968 novel.
Marble image from “Marbles of Hard Use” by Chefranden, used under the
Creative Commons Atttribution 2.5 Generic license
.
Gun image from “Guns & Ammo 1” by kcdsTM (Ken) , used under the
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0) license
.
Published by Combustoica, a prose project of About Comics.
Rights inquiries?
[email protected]
LOXFINGER
Dedications
JOE E. LEWIS
“The Aristotle of the Bottle,” beloved King of the Nightclubs.
SAM AND CHAI SOORA WEINSTEIN,
the author’s beloved parents.
NOMI FRIEDMAN,
the author’s beloved sister.
HARRY AND BESS EISNER,
the author’s beloved, hostile in-laws.
NANCY BROWN
of Plainfield, New Jersey.
GODFREY CAMBRIDGE,
who alone looks like the entire March on Washington.
NEIL LEVINSON, BERNIE GOLDBERG, IRWIN SPIEGEL, YUDEL KAPLAN, AND MIKE KEARNS,
who, with the author, comprised Trenton High School’s unforgettable “The Crummy Six,” who did to 11th grade French what De Gaulle is doing to us now.
STAN AND RHODA EISNER
MARK LITOWITZ, JOHNNY COATES, JR., HOWIE TEDDER, KIRK NUROCK, BEN MELZER, JAN WALLMAN, LAURA LANE, CLYDE LEIB, AUSTIN MACK, GEORGE R. BOLGE, RABBI BEN SINCOFF, BOB PINCUS, LENNIE FELDMAN
ELLIE, DAVID (008), AND JUDY WEINSTEIN,
the author’s beloved wife and issue, the last named the courageous 5-year-old who, when enemies of Judaism rear their ugly heads, dons her mask and black cape and leaps from the sofa with that fearful cry: “Bat Baby Strikes Again!”
AND TO POCKET BOOKS, INC....
may we both make a little Bond bread.
1 Room 1818
Bella ciao! Bella ciao!
Two silencer-muffled shots slammed into the headboard of the bed upon which Israel Bond was making love to the impassive Oriental girl whose body, insouciantly straddled, lay beneath his eager thighs.