THE KISS OF A SEAL (6 page)

She knew she shouldn’t give in, but she needed Lincoln; had to have him inside of her. “Yikes! The Instructors are hell on legacies.”

“I can testify to that! What doesn’t kill us makes us tougher,” said Lincoln as his mouth covered hers. Being known as a legacy during BUD/S had almost killed him. The instructors had pushed him so hard that he spent most of his nights taping the blisters on his feet together and stuffing his body with as much food as he could consume. During the day, he’d gritted his teeth and taken whatever they dished out.

In truth, those phase instructors probably did him a favor. He could handle practically anything that came his way, with the one exception of Jessa. She blew his mind daily and he craved her as if she were manna from heaven.

Yes, it does, she thought. It makes us a helluva a lot stronger.

Link lifted her into his arms and then walked forward until the edge of his foot hit the mat. She could feel the vibration and then the air whooshing around them as they dropped onto the gym pads.

Ever the gentleman, he turned them to the side so that he took the brunt of the force. Honestly, she wouldn’t have noticed. She was too busy pulling the clothes off of his body and running her hands over his flesh.

There was something so primal about skin on skin. The sensation of male flesh rubbed along the softness of her own; it was vitally important and precious. She could barely contain herself as he slid on a condom and gently pushed his way inside of her.

“More. Faster.” She didn’t want gentle. She wanted it hard and edgy, extreme and frantic, just like she felt right now. “I need you to fuck me, not make love to me.”

He stilled. His hands moved to her face. They cradled her cheeks. “No. It will never be anger or rage driving this moment. We fuck with passion for each other or make love. But this tension…you’ve got a lot of emotion about Scott. If you need to take it out on him, do so, but this…this time together is for us. You need to know that when I’m inside you, it’s because I want to be there and I want it to be you. You need to honor me the same way.”

“Damn.” She turned her face into his cheek. She rubbed her lips against the palm of his hand and then kissed it. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Leaning her forehead against his, she said, “One of the main reasons we’re together is the way you call me on my own shit.”

He laughed. “The same way you call me on mine.”

Their kisses were confirmation of their forgiveness as the lovemaking took a heated turn. She fed all of her desire into him, and it was hours before either of them left the other’s side. Jessa knew being with Lincoln was right, she just wasn’t eager for the fight with her past self and the entanglement to Scott therein.

‡

J
essa took a
long slow breath before she put the key in the door lock and turned it. Two hours had passed since the gym closed and it was likely that Scott knew that fact. Of course, the man hadn’t been back here in her apartment for a while, perhaps he thought things had changed.

She pushed open the door. Light spilled out onto the landing. She stepped inside and closed the door.

Placing her purse on the chair by the door and putting her keys on the ring above it, she glanced into the next room. Scott was sitting in a chair in front of the TV. No sound. She could the flashes of light moving across his face.

“Jessie, you’re home.” He sounded groggy. “Guess the jet lag got me. In Dubai one day and then traveling across the world toward Coronado on the next.” He gestured toward the table.

Her eyes widened as she saw the large box. He wouldn’t propose, would he? If he did, she going to hurl for sure.

Nerves tightened her body, and the flight and fight instincts were warring inside of her.

She picked up the box and opened it. The hinges protested and she found herself looking down at a key.

Scott stood up and opened his arms. “Hawaii, babe! We’re going to freaking Oahu!” His hips swayed as he did a little dance. “A new boat team is being put together that’s going to work directly with the Marine Mammals and I’m the lead on this one. This is a dream come true.”

“W-w-what?” She hadn’t expected this. Nothing on this earth would have made her think Scott would suggest this. “I…”

He held up his hands. “Just listen to me. I’ve got it all worked out. I talked to all the right people. Got you a job at the VA. Now, I know it’s not exactly what you want, but you’re on the list to move into a spot on base. You just need to give it a little time.”

Her mouth was open. She could feel herself trying to make sounds, but nothing came out.

He grabbed her hand and led her to couch, sitting down beside her. “Just think of it, you can have dinner waiting for me every night. I like the idea of you doing your ‘Happy Homemaker’ impression and I won’t deploy at all during my three-year stint. We can wake up together and be on the exact same schedule. Isn’t it ideal?”

Her voice came back suddenly, as she spat out. “Is that what you want?”

“Absolutely!” Scott stood up and paced back and forth. He seemed almost manic. “I realized that I’ve left you alone quite a lot and I need to step up and change how we are living our lives. Hell, we’re engaged.” He wagged his finger at her. “Better start acting like it or why did we do it?” He leaned over her. “Where is your ring?”

She stood up and walked into the bedroom. She opened her top drawer and took it.

Cracking the lid, she peered inside at the stone. She wanted to feel excitement, begged herself to be thrilled by the notion of marrying Scott Goodson, but that emotion had never been associated with this stone. Only the need for obligation was wrapped around this lovely setting. She snapped the box closed and walked quickly into the other room.

Sitting back down on the couch, she put the ring on the table. “Scott, why did you ask me to marry you?”

“You know why?”

She paused for a few seconds and then shook her head. “I don’t.”

“Really? You need me to explain it.” He looked flabbergasted.

“Yes.” She scooted to the edge of the cushion and leaned forward. “Do you love me?”

“Yeah.”

“What does love mean to you?”

His face reddened. “I don’t understand. If you don’t want to move Hawaii, just tell me.”

“I need you to answer my question first, and then I’ll explain myself to you. What is love?” She had to lead him to the path, get him to see the problem in their relationship or rather, the truth of their lack of a real connection.

“Fine. Love is someone being there.” He sat down in the chair adjacent to her. He was clearly angry.

“Do you know it has been three and a half years since we had sex?”

He lifted his arm and then set it back down. “You know I use my energy differently.”

“I don’t believe you. Tell me the truth!” She couldn’t take any more lies. “Have you been with anyone else?”

Scott looked away, and then he stood and walked purposefully into the kitchen. “Do you want a beer?”

“No,” she said, awareness soaking into every fiber of her being. This was the truth. Her fiancé was sleeping with other people. Why did the information shock her…only a little? Because she’d known the truth in her gut for a long time, she realized. And, being with Lincoln had given the courage to fight for a solid relationship and for love. She knew the difference now between a faked experience and the real deal. “Who?”

He popped the top of the can and took a long sip and came back into the room. “She’s a foreign national. Does it really matter?”

She nodded her head. “It all counts.” Someone cannot go without human contact for days, months, or even years on end. It’s impossible!

You did,
her mind echoed; at least until recently. Words burst from her mouth. “Why her and not me?”

“I…you…” His lower lip quivered. “We didn’t…we don’t think of each other that way.”

“We did at one time.”
Hadn’t we?
Being with him seemed like such a distant dream.

Scott looked deflated. “We’ve had sex less than a dozen times over our entire relationship. Didn’t you think it was strange that we would be months apart from each other? I made up that…excuse…to protect your feelings, because every time we were together it was like being with a—”

She closed her eyes. She knew he couldn’t bring himself to say it. “A sister.”

“Yes.” He whispered the one word. “I’m sorry, Jessa. I just can’t let go of you.”

Why hadn’t she faced this issue sooner? What had she been afraid of, disappointing him or changing her own life?

She frowned. She wasn’t going to go down that self-reflection path right bow. This was the opportunity she needed to make a clean break and allow them both to move on. She licked her lips. “What else? I can tell you need to say something more to me.”

“Maybe if things had been different, with you, in bed.” He shook his head. “I hate disappointing you, Jess, but honestly I could do things with Aja that I couldn’t do with you.” Again, he wouldn’t look at her and his eyes seemed to be focused on his beer.

“Scott, that’s a lame excuse and you know it. I’m not a prude.” She stood up, wanted to use her stature to her advantage and walked over to his chair. She looked down at him. “You just don’t want to take responsibility for your side of this mess. Yes, I will own my part in this fiasco. I should have confronted you ages ago. Now, we’ve got to make it right and break-up.”

His jaw tightened as he pondered her words. “Agreed,” he finally admitted. “I do own my part of this. I’m just not sure I’m willing to let go of you. We have a good thing going here.”

“A good thing? Is that what you’d call this? Do you want me to live the life of a nun, while you’re out screwing around or do you prefer we each take lovers and continue this farce?” She couldn’t do it to herself. There was no way she would stay stagnant, giving away the best part of her life, when Lincoln waited for her. She needed that opportunity for happiness.

Scott shrugged. “Yes.”

Her hands tightened into fists. “No! I won’t do. That chemistry is linked to the heart, one the best parts of a passionate connection. I want to be made love to. I want to be fucked. I want to be wooed and adored and loved, and most of that I want with my clothes off!” She paced the room. “This engagement is over. I’m sorry I let it get this far. I don’t want you and you don’t love me, so we’re done.”

He stood. His hand crushed the empty can and tossed it toward the kitchen-recycling bin. It missed and crashed on the floor a foot and a half away. “Be careful, Jess, or I might take you seriously. We love each other.”

“As friends! I don’t want a relationship based on safety. I want passion that rocks my world and love that makes me feel…like I’m going to die without the seeing or holding or being with that one soul who cherishes me in return. Can you give me that?”

He stared at her blankly.

She laughed, one of those tittering sounds that was on the verge of a break-through or a breakdown. “You don’t know what I’m talking about, because you’ve never experienced real love.” Pointing at her heart, she said, “I have. I know what it means now.”

“J-girl. Listen…”

“It’s Jessa. J-E-S-S-A. That’s my name. Why, the fuck, can’t you say it properly?” She screamed at him, all the anger that had built came pouring out. “We were friends once. I don’t know what we are now, but I wouldn’t treat
my
friend this way.” She walked over to his bags, kicked the pile. “Take this stuff, and anything else you want, and get out of here. The lease is in my name, and this is
my
home. We’re done here.”

His posture changed and turned away. Then, he paused and looked back at her. A strange smile played across his lips. “I know about him. That passionate man…”

The wind immediately flew out of her sails as her anger changed to shock. “Who? How?”

“Someone saw you on the beach. It went through the grapevine.” Scott gestured matter-of-factly. “A SEAL, that’s so cliché. Don’t you think?”

She would have agreed at one time, but not now. Lincoln was everything to her, every hope she’d dared to dream wrapped in one man and one life-completing relationship. “How…how do you know it was me?”

He cracked his neck and walked over to his gear. He leaned nonchalantly against the wall. “I didn’t know for sure, not until just now.”

His words were like a slap in the face. He had gotten her to admit the truth, but hadn’t she already done that…told him she loved another. She spat the word that lingered in her brain. “Jealous?”

“Yes.” He admitted. “I won’t let you go. Not today, and not for all the tomorrows to come. This…works.”

“No, it doesn’t. It’s a boat with no engine and one person is rowing in circles. Time to abandon ship, Scott.”

He shook his head in denial

Like hell I’m going to live another day in this lie
, she thought. She didn’t like the look in Scott’s eyes. His posture had changed, too, as if he were sizing her up.

Now she wished Lincoln had come with her. What was she thinking trying to face Scott alone? He was SWCC, and a lethally trained weapon.