The Klone and I (16 page)

His office hadn't changed much in two years, the couch I sat on, facing him, seemed a little more worn, and the pictures on the wall seemed a little more depressing. He had lost more hair, and the carpet looked threadbare. Other than that, the place looked terrific. And he seemed happy to see me. And after the initial amenities, I decided to get to the point. I was feeling utterly confused about Peter and Paul. I was more in love with Peter than ever. He was everything I had ever wanted, and we got on perfectly when he was there. But when he wasn't, I was locked in this
mad affair with Paul, my imaginary friend, as he called himself now, but the trouble was, he wasn't. He got more real to me every day, and I had him under my skin again in a way that really scared me, which was why I had come to see Dr. Steinfeld.

“So, Stephanie, what brings you here to see me?” Dr. Steinfeld asked kindly. “You haven't gone back to Roger, have you?”

“Oh God, no.” In fact, Charlotte had just told me that he and Helena were having a baby, and the funny thing was I didn't care at all. I had always thought that if that happened, it would unnerve me. But I was too busy doing the quadruple flip with Paul, and missing Peter in California to care about Roger and Helena's baby.

“No, it's something else.” I didn't want to waste even a second of my hour telling him about Helena and the baby. “I'm involved with two men, and it's driving me crazy. No, not two really, one. More or less.” I suddenly realized that this was not going to be easy, as Dr. Steinfeld looked at me with interest.

“You're involved with one man, or two? I'm not sure I'm reading you clearly.” Funny, I wasn't reading me clearly either. And he looked nearly as confused as I was.

“One real one. The other one is imaginary. Except that I have great sex with him. He only
shows up when the real man is away. Actually, the real man sends him to me.” Dr. Steinfeld was nodding, and staring at me with fascination. I had clearly become more interesting, and much more neurotic than he ever thought I could be.

“And how is your sex life with the … er … real one?”

“Terrific,” I said with quiet certainty, and he nodded.

“I'm delighted to hear it. And the second man is only a fantasy? Which is it? You can tell me. I know you trust me.”

“It's actually both. I know this will sound crazy to you, Dr. Steinfeld. But the second man, Paul, is really the Klone of the first one. His name is Peter.”

“You mean they look very similar? Are they twins?”

“No, I mean they're the same person. Paul is Peter's clone, more or less. Peter is in bionics, and he's done some very unusual experiments, and I really love him.” Tiny little beads of sweat appeared on Dr. Steinfeld's forehead. Admittedly, this wasn't easy for either of us, and I was almost sorry I had come to see him.

“Tell me, Stephanie, have you been taking any medication? Self-medicating perhaps? You know, some drugs have serious side effects and can cause hallucinations.”

“I am
not
hallucinating. Paul is Peter's bionic clone, and Peter sent him to me when he went out of town. I slept with him for two weeks last fall and it's just started again. I feel completely crazy. Whoever I'm with is the one I'm most in love with … except I always love Peter. He's the real one.”

“Stephanie,” he said firmly then, “do you hear voices sometimes? Even when you're not with them?”

“No, I do not hear voices, Doctor. I am sleeping with two men, and I don't know what to do about it.”

“Then that's clear. Are they both
real
men, Stephanie? I mean humans, like you and I?”

“No,” I said cautiously, “one isn't. Paul is here right now, because Peter is away. He sent him to me.”

Dr. Steinfeld quietly mopped his brow and continued to stare at me, while I wished myself anywhere on the planet but in his office.

“Is Paul in the room with us right now?” he asked carefully. “Can you see him now?”

“ Of course not.”

“That's good. Do you feel abandoned when Peter leaves you? Do you need to fill that void with someone else, perhaps even someone imagined?”

“No. I don't just make him up because I feel rejected. Peter sends him to me.”

“How does he send him to you?” On a UFO maybe. By then he was obviously expecting something like that from me. It was hopeless.

“Paul arrives with about fifteen pieces of matched purple alligator luggage from Hermes. He has pretty eccentric taste in clothes too, but he's a lot of fun to be with.”

“What about Peter? What is he like?”

“Wonderful, conservative, smart, loving, he's great with my kids, and I'm crazy about him.”

“And what does he wear?”

“Blue jeans and button-down shirts, and gray flannels and a blazer.”

“Does that disappoint you? Do you fantasize about him being more like Paul?”

“No, I love him the way he is. He's actually sexier than Paul, without even trying. My knees go weak when I see him.” I smiled then, just thinking about it.

“That's nice, Stephanie. Very nice. And how do you feel about Paul?”

“I love him too. He loves to have a good time, and he's pretty badly behaved sometimes. But he loves my kids too, and he's very lovable, and amazingly good in bed. He does this thing where he does somersaults in the air, and then lands on the floor with me on top of him, and …” I
could see that Dr. Steinfeld was rapidly approaching a nervous breakdown, and I felt sorry for him.

“Somersaults in the air? Is this the imaginary one, or the real one?”

“He's not imaginary. He's a Klone. A bionic clone. He has wires. But he looks just like Peter.”

“What happens when Peter returns, does he disappear again, or do you still ‘see’ him?”

“No. They take him back to the shop, check his wires, and take his head off.”

There was sweat running down the sides of Dr. Steinfeld's face by then, and he was frowning at me. I hadn't gone there to torture him, but to relieve myself, and it obviously wasn't working. For either of us.

“Stephanie, have you ever considered taking medication?”

“Like what? Prozac? I used to take Valium. You prescribed it for me.”

“Actually, I was thinking of something a little stronger. Something a little more suited to your problem. Like Depakote perhaps. Have you ever heard of it? Have you been taking medication since I last saw you?”

“No, I haven't.”

“Have you been hospitalized recently?” he asked sympathetically, and I started to panic, thinking he was about to call Bellevue to have me checked in. But maybe I belonged there.

‘No. And I know this sounds ridiculous, but it really is happening. I swear it.”

“I know you believe that. I'm sure they both seem very real to you.” I could see in his eyes that he was convinced that I had invented both of them, and was utterly crazy, which was true, but not to the degree he thought so. I hated Peter suddenly for unleashing this problem on me in the first place. “Now, our hour is up, but I want you to fill this prescription for some medication. And I'm going to make time to see you tomorrow.”

“I don't have time. Paul and I are taking the children Christmas shopping.”

“I see,” he said, looking even more worried. “Does Roger have custody of them?”

“No, I do.” But suddenly all I wanted to do was laugh when I looked at him. He was so dismayed by what I had told him. I just wish he could have seen Paul in silver or gold lame, puce, or chartreuse, or hot pink or bright purple. The leopard jumpsuit would have done it too, or the orange velour lounging suit he had worn the night before at dinner. Dr. Steinfeld would have loved him. He would have understood why I was so confused.

“Do you get headaches, Stephanie? Severe ones?”

“No, Doctor, I don't,” I said, smiling at him. I
stood up then and he looked intensely worried. “I'm really sorry this is all so confusing.”

“We'll get it all sorted out soon. You'll feel much better on the medication. It will take a few weeks to take hold, so it's very important you start right away. I want you to call me tomorrow and make another appointment.”

“I'll do that,” I said, and practically ran out the door before he could commit me.

I hailed a cab and went home, and found Paul playing with the kids. He was already into his second bottle of bourbon, and all I could do was look at him and shake my head, just like Dr. Steinfeld.

“Are you okay?” he asked a few minutes later, when he came to see what I was cooking for dinner.

“No, I hate you,” and at that exact moment, I meant it. “I went to my old shrink this afternoon, and thanks to you and that lunatic who sent you here, I convinced him that I'm completely crazy.”

“Did you tell him you're not, we are?”

“I tried to. But I think he's right. I think it's contagious.”

“What did he tell you to do?” Paul asked with interest.

“Take medications for my hallucinations. I told him you were a Klone, and he asked me if
you were in the room with me at that moment. Nice, huh?”

“Very. Believe me, if I'd been there, he would have known it.”

“No kidding.” He was wearing zebra velvet pants, and a black satin shirt open to the waist, with his peace sign. “He could have heard you, not just seen you.” Paul gave me a look. He heard something in my voice. I just wasn't in the mood for Paul's antics. For the first time, I was actually sick of the outrageous clothes he wore, the way he drank, and picking myself up off the floor after the double flip. I really missed Peter.

And after dinner, when Peter called me, I took the phone in the bathroom to talk in private.

“How's it going?”

“Fine, thank you. I'm completely crazy.”

“Are the kids giving you a hard time?”

“No, you are. Both of you,” I said, and he understood instantly what I was saying.

“Is he there again?” He sounded surprised, and not very happy about it.

“As if you didn't know. Didn't you send him?”

“Not this time. I thought you'd be okay without him since you were so busy.”

“So how did he get here?” For once, I wasn't sure I believed him. It was all too much now.

“Honest, Steph. I'm not sure. But if he's bugging
you, just send him away. I'll have him picked up tomorrow. They'll take him back to the shop, and take his head off.”

“No,” I said much too quickly. “He can stay until you come back.” In spite of all the craziness of his being there, I wanted him to stay, but I didn't want to admit it to Peter.

“Do you want him there?” he asked, sounding upset.

“I don't know what I want anymore. That's the problem.” That much was the truth.

“I see.”

“Oh, for chrissake, you sound like Dr. Stein-feld.”

“Who's that?” It was the first time he had heard about him.

“A shrink who would have liked to have me committed today. This is all your fault. Why can't you just go away and let me miss you, like normal people? Instead you have to send a goddam Klone to take care of me, and drive me insane.” I was suddenly angry about it. It was all very upsetting. And it was all Peter's fault, no matter how much I loved him.

“I thought you'd like him.”

“I do.”

“Maybe too much so. Is that what you're saying?” He sounded nearly as upset as I did, and more than a little jealous.

“I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe we're both crazy.”

“I'll try to come home early.” He sounded genuinely worried.

“Maybe the three of us should just live together. And by the way, Helena is having a baby.”

“Is that what's really bothering you?”

“Maybe. No, I don't think so. But the kids are upset about it. They hate her. And the idea of a baby.”

“I'm sorry, Steph.”

“No, you're not.” Suddenly, I was crying, and I heard Paul in the next room, with the children. “He's an alcoholic, for chrissake, and if I see those goddam zebra pants again, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Maybe I am anyway. How did this ever happen to me?” It was all his fault, and I wanted to hate him for it. But I didn't. I still loved him. And I knew my kids did too. Even Charlotte, though she would have hated to admit it. And Sam had been his loyal follower for months, more than ever since Peter had come to his rescue when Roger flaked out on him on Halloween.

“It was just an experiment, that's all. Don't take it so seriously.” We both sounded like crazy people, but thank God Dr. Steinfeld couldn't hear us.

“Don't take it seriously? He's living here, and
I'm in love with you, and sometimes I can't even tell you apart. When he's in the shower he looks like you. And when he gets dressed, he looks like goddam Elvis Presley.”

“I know. I know … we, tried straightening that out, but he wouldn't let us.” I suspected he didn't want to ask me how I knew what Paul looked like in the shower, but it was easy to guess what was happening between us, from everything else. Besides, I figured that, better than anyone, Peter knew Paul only too well.

“He thinks you should marry me. Can you imagine that? He's crazier than you are.” I was crying by then, and at Peter's end, there was a long silence. “Don't worry. I told him neither of us was crazy enough to do that.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” was all he said finally, sounding just a fraction cool.

“So am I. Maybe I need to leave both of you for a while, and try to get sane again.” I was better off alone back in front of the TV watching reruns. I thought I had a real life with Roger before that, but even that blew up in my hands. Now look what I had. The bionic man, and Dr. Frankenstein, the mad inventor. I was so upset, I just sat there and cried.

“The holidays are hard for everyone, Steph. You're just upset. Try to relax. I'll be home soon,
and he'll be back in the shop. If you want me to, I can have him dismanded.”

“That's a terrible thing to do to him. Besides, I like him.” Which brought us right back to the beginning. I loved Peter, but I didn't want to lose Paul. It was an insane situation.

“Just take it easy. Get some sleep tonight. He's sleeping in the guest room, isn't he?”

“Yeah, sure.” You fool, I wanted to say to him. What do you think? He hadn't been built to sleep in anyone's guest room. “I love you,” I said forlornly.