The Language of Sisters (19 page)

“Okay, okay, peanut. Settle down.” Garret handed her a plastic bag full of stale bread pieces that we had picked up at his restaurant before heading over to Lincoln Park. “Here, you need to put your shoes back on.”

“No, I’m fine.” Lucy wiggled her bare corn-kernel-shaped toes in the grass.

Garret made his expression stern. “Lucy, listen to Daddy. If
you’re going to walk by the pond, you need to have your shoes on. Do you want duck poopies all over your feet?”

“Ewww! No!”

“Okay, then. Give me your feet so I can put your shoes on.”

Amused, I watched this exchange between father and daughter from the comfort of my shady spot on our picnic blanket. Spending time with Nova and her kids had made me much more comfortable with the previously unknown and overwhelming world of toddlers. I’d figured out that they were simply little versions of grown people; they only wanted their needs heard and respected. Garret seemed to understand this about his daughter perfectly.

The pond was only a few feet away from us, so I felt comfortable when Garret carefully rolled Jenny’s chair to a spot near the water. He checked to make sure that the brakes were set securely on the wheels and that Jenny’s wide-brimmed straw hat was adequately shading her pale skin from the bright glare of the early-afternoon sun. Lucy solemnly set a handful of crumbs on Jenny’s lap. “Here are your bread crumbs, Jenny, and here are mine.” She held up the bag for Jenny to see. “I will share more with you, if you want, but only when yours are all gone.”

Garret plopped gratefully back next to me on the blanket, then called out to his daughter. “Stay away from the edge, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy!” She took a deliberately large step backward and turned to see if Garret approved.

“That’s great, peanut.”

“She is such a good kid,” I remarked, sipping at the remainder of my iced tea. “Does she ever disobey you?”

He snickered. “Oh, God, yes. You should see her at home. She’s on her best behavior today, trying to impress you.”

“Well, it’s working. She’s exactly how I dream a child should be.” I paused, for effect. “Then, of course, there are Nova’s kids.”

Garret laughed outright. “They’re a handful, aren’t they? Managing four is much, much different than one. I don’t know how she does it with Ryan away so often.”

“Do you want more children?”

“If I find the right woman to be their mother, then yes, definitely.”

“You seem to be doing fine on your own.”

He sighed, straightened his shorts, and then sat up to look at me, his forearms resting on bent knees. His baseball cap shrouded his handsome face in a dark shadow, making it almost impossible to see his eyes. “I think she’d be happier with a mother.”

I adjusted my position on the blanket, tucking both my legs to one side under me and leaning on a straightened arm. “Why? She obviously adores you.”

“Well, sure. How could she not?”

“Ha-ha. So
modest.
”

“One of my better-hidden qualities.” He grinned, then continued. “But to answer your question, she’s always asking me for one. She wants to know why she doesn’t have a mommy like Rebecca has Nova. I mean, Nova’s terrific—she’s as close to an adoptive mommy as I could find—but I just think Lucy needs someone all to herself. Her own mother.”

“But not her
actual
mother.” I shifted position again, sitting cross-legged beneath the skirt of the floral cotton dress I’d chosen to wear. I rested my elbows on my knees, fingers laced loosely together in front of me.

“Absolutely not. Jackie was not cut out for the job of taking care of a child.”

“What job was she cut out for?”

“Taking care of Jackie.”

I sucked the air in through my teeth, nodding. “Oh. I see.”

“She told me she got pregnant because she thought it was
what you were supposed to do when you got married, like it was the next ingredient in a recipe.”

“Add baby, stir well?” I ventured.

Garret laughed. “Exactly.” Then he sighed, wistful. “I thought she was the love of my life. She was this perfect package of a woman.” Here he smiled wryly. “I guess that would have tipped a smarter man off. She just had this way of making me believe she was everything I’d ever need. Then,
pow
!” He made a fist with one hand and popped it into an open palm. “Flattened my heart like a Mack truck.”

I brushed a stray red curl out of my line of vision. “Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

“Does she visit?”

“She pops up now and then. She gave me exclusive custody in the divorce settlement and didn’t ask for visitation rights. Not that that surprised me.”

“Do you even
talk
about her with Lucy?”

“As little as possible.” He adjusted his hat, then looked at me, sidelong. “I suppose you think that makes me a terrible father.”

I paused for a moment, considering this. I knew a little about terrible fathers, and from what I’d seen so far, Garret didn’t even come close to being one. “Not necessarily. Silence seems like it would be healthier than bad-mouthing her.”

“I hope so. Especially since what I’d have to say would be less than complimentary.” He shrugged, as if to remove something itchy and uncomfortable from between his shoulder blades. A small gesture, but one that hinted at the wound left inside him. “I mostly tell Lucy that her mommy just has to live in another state, like her grandparents do. That’s usually enough to satisfy her. For now, at least. I guess someday I’ll have to find a way to explain that not everyone can handle being a parent. It’s a tough gig.”

I nodded. “I’m getting a taste of it with Jenny. I think I’m going to go nuts sometimes from how much taking care of her demands of me. It never stops. Even when I get a break, I don’t really get to relax since she could need something from me at any moment.”

“That’s how it is with babies, too. It does get easier, though, as they get older. Lucy insists on doing so much for herself these days…. ” He paused. “Do you want kids of your own?”

I hesitated, taking a moment to stretch my legs out straight in front of me. “That’s something I’ve asked myself a lot, lately. I can’t give you a simple answer.”

“So give me a complicated one.”

“Do you want to hear something
really
complicated? Something I haven’t even told Nova?” I couldn’t believe I was actually considering telling him what I’d barely even told myself. There was just something about him, something that made me feel safe.

“Sure, if you want.”

I swallowed hard, resting my eyes over on Jenny, who was watching Lucy fling handfuls of bread crumbs into the dancing group of ducks on the water. I couldn’t believe she was already seven months along, that two months had passed so quickly, the moments bleeding into each other like watercolors on a page. I was running out of time.

“I’m thinking about adopting Jenny’s baby,” I said, hopeful that if I made the words quiet enough, they wouldn’t hold as much power out loud as they did in my head. Oddly, after they were spoken, I felt stronger than I had keeping them so tightly under wraps.

Garret leaned toward me, squeezed my hand quickly, then let go. “I think that’s great.”

“You do?” I was amazed.

“Yep.”

“You don’t think I’m out of my mind?”

He tilted his dark head toward one shoulder. “Why would I think that? You’re related to that baby. Her blood is your blood. Of course you’d think about keeping her.”

“But I’m still not sure. I don’t know whether I could do it. Don’t you think I should be sure about something like that? I’m terrified something might turn up wrong with her, the way it did with Jenny. All the tests have been negative so far, but you never know what might happen. Jenny was basically normal for almost a year before her disabilities really showed themselves.”

“First of all,” Garret began, turning his body toward mine. He quickly glanced toward the pond to check on his daughter before turning his gaze back to me and continuing. “No one is ever really sure about becoming a parent. I wasn’t. I was terrified when Jackie was pregnant. I played the ‘what if?’ game till I thought I’d go nuts. What if she’s got Down’s syndrome? What if she doesn’t have any feet? You can’t believe the crazy stuff I came up with.”

“No
feet
?” I threw my hands up in the air, joking. “Give me
more
to worry about, why don’t you?”

Garret sucked his lower lip under the top row of his teeth. “Oops. Sorry. I was actually trying to make you feel better.”

I laughed. “I know. It’s all just really overwhelming, any way I look at it. The idea of being a single parent … Well, then I see you and Lucy and you seem to manage everything so smoothly, parenthood, career.” I paused. “The restaurant is fabulous, by the way. I don’t think I told you that. I really liked the feel of the place.”

And I had. When we’d stopped there earlier to pick up the lunch he had prepared the night before, Garret had given me a quick tour. It was right on the beach; all of the tables had a view of the water through walls made entirely of sliding glass doors. The tables themselves were naked wicker with glass tops, their
centers adorned by dew-fresh, bursting bouquets of sun yellow roses and purple freesia. The chairs were high-backed, wicker as well, though heavily padded, looking to be the kind that were difficult to convince your body to move from once you were settled in for a meal. The kitchen was well-spaced and efficiently planned, with shining stainless-steel appliances and countertops. I confirmed Nova’s assessment of Garret’s expectations for perfection with a large sign that hung over the wait staff’s station. It read
IF YOU’VE GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU’VE GOT TIME TO CLEAN
.

He smiled, obviously pleased. “Thanks. I’ve worked hard to make it that way. But my life doesn’t go smoothly all of the time. If I’m not taking care of Lucy, I’m taking care of some crisis at the restaurant…. ” He threw his hands up in the air in a casual I-give-up gesture. “It doesn’t leave much time for me. There are days I want to run away, screaming.”

“What would you run away to?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really know. Just away. Don’t you ever feel like that?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s a feeling I’m
very
well acquainted with. I’ve even indulged it a couple of times. That’s how I ended up a baker with a master’s degree.”

“Daddy!” Lucy hollered in our direction, holding up the now-empty plastic bag. “We’re all done!”

“Duty calls.” Garret grinned, standing up and reaching a hand down to help me do the same. “I should probably get her home for a nap.”

“I could use one myself.” I rubbed my stomach. “You’re a great cook. I am positively stuffed. I think I gained five pounds.” We had eaten a glorious pasta salad filled with dark, juicy olives, roasted red peppers and goat cheese, crusty French bread, plump purple grapes, and cream-cheese-swirled brownies. No crumbs remained.

“That’s okay. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.”

“Thanks a lot.” I self-consciously sucked in my gut.

Garret moved the flat of his palm up and down my back, sending shivers to my scalp. I felt his eyes glide over my skin like a touch as he spoke. “I mean it. Any man in his right mind would be thrilled to curl up to someone like you.”

I smiled shyly and tried to accept the compliment gracefully. “Well, thanks.”

Garret kept his hand on the small of my back as we walked over to the pond. While we loaded Jenny and Lucy into his car and then for the entire drive home, a stupid grin plastered itself on my face. I knew it was silly, I knew I was stepping into dangerous emotional territory, but I simply could not help but savor that this amazing man had closed his eyes and imagined the feel of his body next to mine.

•  •  •

The next morning I sat at Nova’s kitchen table, my forehead resting in open hands. Jenny was in the living room on the couch watching a
Sesame Street
video; after all these years Grover still made her smile. Nova’s older children played outside while Layla slept in the swing near Jenny, her chubby infant neck squished against her chest in a way that made me worry she’d have a hard time breathing. But Nova assured me that the baby was fine, that all babies slept that way until they gained better head control.

“What am I
doing
with this guy?” I groaned to my friend. I had barely slept the night before, replaying the time I had spent with Garret at the park.

“What do you
want
to do with him?” Nova asked wickedly as she reached for a couple of mugs from the cupboard above the stove and poured us both coffee. She was barefoot and wore a scoop-necked ocean blue linen dress, princess-cut and tied in the
back to accent her hourglass shape. The rise of her fleshy bottom pushed at the material as she moved, swishing the skirt around her legs in a fluid motion. Her lush figure looked like something to aspire to; it made me proud to be a woman.

I groaned again. “That’s a horrible question. Not that you don’t already know the answer.”

“Hmmm, let me see.” Nova tapped her index finger to the side of her face in mock contemplation. “What would you possibly want to do with Garret? Go grocery shopping with him? Do his
laundry,
perhaps?”

I wadded up a napkin and threw it at her. “Stop it.”

She grinned as she set a steaming cup of black liquid in front of me, then poured in a quick shot of half-and-half. I watched the cauliflower explosion of cream with great interest, waiting until the drink became the perfect shade of taupe. There was something comforting in having her know the exact color my coffee should be. Whatever part of me grieved for the loss of a normal sister relationship with Jenny also thanked the stars for blessing me with Nova.

I blew on the hot fluid, then took a small sip, holding the mug with both hands. “So, am I just indulging a childish fantasy?”

“I don’t know. Are you?” She stood at the counter, one ankle crossed over the other, sipping at her own drink.

“Could you stop asking me more questions and give me some advice here, please?”

“What do you want me to tell you, that it’s okay to sleep with him because things are shaky with Shane?” She shrugged. “Sorry, chick. Not gonna happen.”