The Last Word (40 page)

Three months ago, Edward went out for a solo morning run, ran all the way to the Golden
Gate Bridge, and jumped off. Isabel didn’t see it coming. She looked like she’d been
kicked in the gut day after day. Edward bequeathed his house and a large chunk of
his estate to Charlie, which was a blessing because the suicide rendered him useless.
For at least a month, Charlie couldn’t leave the house. For the first few days he
didn’t speak. He thought Edward had gotten lost and jumped out of despair. Instead
of leaving a suicide note, Edward left a carefully constructed will that took care
of everyone who was important in his life. Isabel thinks that Edward had it planned
for months, but he never knew that precise moment he’d have the courage to do it.
She tried explaining this to Charlie, but Charlie lost his entire life when Edward
died. He was inconsolable.

Isabel moved into the big house with Charlie until Charlie’s grief softened and Edward’s
plan came into sharp relief. Charlie’s sister, Sarah Norton, and her three kids lived
in Minneapolis. She had been in the middle of a nasty divorce. Isabel suggested the
family come for a visit. Once the Nortons arrived, it became obvious that the family
should move in with Charlie in Edward’s giant house. Isabel sealed the deal by reminding
Sarah that the last time it snowed in San Francisco was 1976.

All the noise and bustle in the five-bedroom home eventually shook
Charlie out of his depression. Now he’s almost back to his old self. Once a month
he and Isabel go sweater shopping and buy the most ridiculous pullover they can find.
They’ll spend hours hunting for that perfect sweater, a specimen so hideous that Edward
would have visibly cringed at the sight of it.
That’s
how they honor his memory.

It’s business as usual at Spellman Investigations. My parents wear normal clothes
to work these days. Vivien still takes an occasional job and Isabel is back. She doesn’t
work the cases with the same drive that she used to, but I figure one day soon, another
will get under her skin. Business has improved with the new branch of Spellman Investigations.
Sometimes my colleagues want to hear about my cases, sometimes they politely ask me
not to speak of them.

There have been more than a few occasions where we’ve had a weekly summit and I’ve
been encouraged to drop a case. Like the one where the girlfriend wanted her boyfriend
to wax his unibrow, even though he had flat-out refused for the last five years. My
parents insisted that infringing on someone’s personal being crossed not only a physical
but also some kind of imaginary boundary. I understand electric fences and property
lines, but when you mention theoretical frontiers, you lose me. If the fence isn’t
real, why can’t you move it a few fake feet? Sure there’s a line I won’t cross. But
every morning when I wake up, it’s in a different spot.

This thing I’m doing is new. If I don’t believe in it, how I can I expect my clients
to put their trust in me? I’m a conflict resolution specialist; the challenge is to
see the resolution no matter how unorthodox it is. As Oscar Wilde said, “An idea that
is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.”

Today, I was approached by a potential client. She wants her dignity back.

I’m not sure if I can get it, but the least I can do is try.

Rae Spellman

2013

Isabel Spellman

Age:
35

Occupation:
Private investigator

Physical characteristics:
Tall; not skinny, not fat; long brown hair; nose; lips; eyes; ears. All the usual
features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. A few more wrinkles than last time I
described myself.

History:
Recovering delinquent; been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of
twelve.

Bad Habits:
None.

Albert Spellman

Age:
69

Occupation:
Private investigator

Physical characteristics:
Six foot three; large (used to be larger, but doctor put him on a diet); oafish;
mismatched features; thinning brown/gray hair; gives off the general air of a slob,
but the kind that showers regularly.

History:
Onetime SFPD forced into early retirement by a back injury. Went to work for another
retired-cop-turned-private-investigator, Jimmy O’Malley. Met his future wife, Olivia
Montgomery, while on
the job. Bought the PI business from O’Malley and has kept it in the family for the
last thirty-five years.

Bad habits:
Has lengthy conversations with the television; snacking; can’t accept defeat.

Olivia Spellman

Age:
60

Occupation:
Private investigator

Physical characteristics:
Extremely petite, appears young for her age, quite attractive, shoulder-length auburn
hair (from a bottle), well groomed.

History:
Met her husband while performing an amateur surveillance on her future brother-in-law
(who ended up not being her future brother-in-law). Started Spellman Investigations
with her husband. Excels at pretext calls and other friendly forms of deceit.

Bad habits:
Willing to break laws to meddle in children’s lives; likes to record other peoples’
conversations; can’t accept defeat.

New David Spellman (for Old David Spellman, see documents #1–4)

Age:
37

Occupation:
Stay-at-home dad

Physical characteristics:
That kind of weird good-looking-without-trying-at-all kind of thing, even dressed
in stained T-shirts and ratty pajamas. Like a movie star playing a person who is not
supposed to be down-and-out. You don’t buy it.

History:
Honor student, class valedictorian, Berkeley undergrad, Stanford law. You know the
sort. Then he throws it all away to raise a child who might not amount to anything.

Bad habits:
Parenting skills could use some work. Or his daughter could use some work.

Rae Spellman

Age:
22

Occupation:
Part-time Spellman Investigations employee

Physical characteristics:
Petite like her mother; appears a few years younger than her age; long, unkempt sandy
blond hair; freckles; tends to wear sneakers so she can always make a run for it.

History:
Blackmail, coercion, junk food obsession, bribery.

Bad habits:
Too many to list.

Henry Stone

Age:
48

Occupation:
San Francisco Police inspector

Physical characteristics:
Average height, thin, short brown hair, serious brown eyes, extremely clean-cut.

History:
Was the detective on the Rae Spellman missing-person case over six years ago. Before
that, I guess he went to the police academy, passed some test, married some annoying
woman, and did a lot of tidying up. Was Ex-boyfriend #13 for a while, but now he’s
just Henry Stone.

Bad habits:
Won’t just go away.

Demetrius Merriweather

Age:
44

Occupation:
Employee at Spellman Investigations

Physical characteristics:
Tall, athletic, a few prison scars.

History:
Wrongly incarcerated for murder; spent fifteen years in prison for a crime he didn’t
commit. Was released, moved into the Spellman household, and currently works for Spellman
Investigations.

Bad habits:
Must have back to wall at all times; jumpy; good at keeping secrets. To learn more
about wrongful convictions, please visit
www.innocenceproject.org
, and if you’re interested in a Free Schmidt! T-shirt (mentioned in document #4),
they’re still available at
www.freeschmidt.com
.

Maggie Mason

Age:
37

Occupation:
Defense attorney

Physical characteristics:
Tall; slender; long, unkempt brown hair.

History:
Dated Henry Stone; they broke up. Rae introduced her to David, and they began dating.
Then they married.

Bad habits:
Keeping baked goods in pockets; camping.

Bernie Peterson

Age:
Old

Occupation:
Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, being there. And bar owner now, I guess.

Physical characteristics:
A giant mass of human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).

History:
Was a cop in San Francisco and friends with Uncle Ray. Moved to Vegas, took up with
a showgirl. Moved back to San Francisco. Took up with Henry Stone’s mother. They’re
still together for reasons that defy all logic.

Bad habits:
Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has it.

Sydney Spellman

Age:
3.5

Occupation:
Child

Physical characteristics:
Extremely short, brown hair, brown eyes, the heart of a tyrant.

History:
See chapter titled “Princess Banana and Her Wicked Great-Grandmother.”

Bad Habits:
Too many to list.

A Note on Sydney’s Age:
W. C. Fields once said, “Never work with animals or children.” This might be why
Grammy Spellman’s dog is glaringly absent from this document and why Sydney has aged
exactly one year faster than the rest of the characters. This might
not trouble some people, but unless I wanted to repeat the Banana gag from document
#5, I had to increase her vocabulary skills, and apparently two-year-olds can be really
difficult, but they can’t say a whole lot. Don’t worry, I expect her to age from now
on in real time.

This is a fake study, based on a logical premise. If there are any criminology students
out there who would like to take this research on, I’d support your research any way
I can, except financially. And I wouldn’t want to do any actual research. But I could
provide emotional support, from a distance.

I love you, man.

Lemme tell you what your problem is.

Why didn’t we ever hook up?

Is this room spinning?

High Five! Fist Bump! Hug it out!

What happened to your nose?

I really, really love you man.

Why do you hate me?

I’ll have another.

I’m not drunk. I’m fine.

Oh my god, who are you? Who is this guy?

Here, take this. Seriously, take this.
¹

You have a great face.

I don’t think we need to have police.

You are the best.

I can’t find my phone. Do you have my phone?

Where am I?

You know why I fucking love you, man? Because you speak the truth.

I’m not gay or nothing, but
Magic Mike
was awesome.

I could eat the shit out of some chili fries right now.

That’s the thing people don’t get about me.

I did consult an oncologist regarding Albert’s diagnosis of acute myeloid leukemia
and all errors deliberate and accidental are mine and mine alone. I believe that most
of the medical protocol is close to accurate; however, I did take one major fictional
detour when I had Isabel undergo a bone marrow donation because I needed her, for
storyline purposes, under anesthesia. I believe that the common procedure these days
for this diagnosis is a PBSC donation, which is an outpatient procedure involving
drug injections and blood work, which requires no hospital stay. This means that the
donation process is actually much simpler. However, that is the procedure just for
this diagnosis.

There are many different ways to donate and I recommend you go to
www.marrow.org
(
www.bethematch.com
), if you’re interested in learning more. It’s easy to register, and for a healthy
individual, it’s a relatively benign process. It seems to me that a minor inconvenience
and a little bit of discomfort is a small price to pay to save a life, even a stranger’s.
At least think about it.

1
. This can be anything.

The book ended a page or two ago. If you had the patience to get through the appendix,
bravo. But this is the acknowledgments. No need to continue reading unless you know
me. Really, stop now. I think this might be a long one, because it was one long goddamn
year.

I’m going to begin with my agent since this whole book-writing business began with
her seven and a half years ago. Stephanie Kip Rostan, you’re the best. I don’t know
what’d I do without you. Well, I have a few ideas and they’re not pretty. The rest
of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency team is pretty awesome as well. Thank you,
Melissa Rowland, Elizabeth Fisher, Monika Verma, Miek Coccia, Daniel Greenberg, Jim
Levine, Lindsay Edgecombe, Tim Wojcik, and Kerry Sparks.

At Simon & Schuster: I’m going to switch things up and thank Jonathan Karp first.
Thank you for bringing my editor back. Although that was a fun six months or so when
I was telling people
you
were my editor. That brings me to my editor, Marysue Rucci. You were very wise to
suggest the book switcheroo,
¹
but at the time I was researching mental health facilities in upstate New York. Now
I realize we would be doomed if we’d stuck with the original plan. So, thank you.
And thank you for your wise guidance, insight, and friendship.