The Lie of You: I Will Have What Is Mine (24 page)

SEPTEMBER

A strange and unsettling thing happened yesterday. I was sitting in my office, going through the proofs of the first issue of the guide, when Aisha tapped on the door. Standing behind her was a tall broad-shouldered man I hadn’t seen before.

Aisha looked flustered as she put her head around the door. ‘This is Robert Mirzoeff, a friend of Heja’s. Is it OK if he has a quick word?’

My stomach did a double flip.

‘Of course...’

I stood up behind my desk and he crossed the room quickly and we shook hands.

‘Robert Mirzoeff. I’m sorry to barge in like this. I should have called beforehand.’

He had a low voice with an American accent and he fitted the description Aisha had given of Heja’s boyfriend.

‘It’s fine, really.’

‘I came on the spur of the moment because I was passing this way. I’m concerned about a dear friend of mine, Heja Vanheinen, your colleague.’

‘Former colleague. Heja resigned a couple of weeks ago.’

‘She resigned!’

‘Yes. It was all very sudden. Her mother was seriously ill and—’

‘Solange?’ he said in a startled voice.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Did you say her mother?’

‘Yes. Heja was urgently needed in Helsinki to look after her mother.’

‘This is so strange. I saw her mother last month. She was in perfect health. It was her father who was unwell.’

He had large serious brown eyes and he looked troubled. He said nothing for a minute and for some reason I found myself rushing on in a guilty way.

‘It was all so sudden, you see. She said she had to go immediately. She’d booked a flight for the very next day and said she wanted to resign with immediate effect.’

‘This is awful news. She said she’d be in touch as soon as there was more news. I’ve heard nothing. Obviously I’m worried.’

‘Of course, you must be,’ I said lamely. ‘Please sit down.’

I indicated that he should sit at my meeting table. He sat down and he shook his head a couple of times.

‘Could you give me her forwarding address in Finland? I know it’s not the done thing but we are very close and...’

‘I’m afraid I don’t have a forwarding address, not in Helsinki. Heja asked me to send any stuff to her London address.’

‘You don’t have a number or anything?’

‘Only for London...’

‘I’m sorry to have disturbed you. I’m just so surprised to hear it’s her mother who’s ill. I assumed it was her father; he has a heart condition, you see.’

Now I was feeling sorry for him, left high and dry. He had come to the office because he was worried and had heard nothing from her. I felt an odd sense of kinship with him. We were both victims of her secrets and her icy coldness and I found myself wanting to help him.

‘I’m just thinking, I do have Heja’s application for the job here. There might be more details on that. It’s worth a look.’

I got up and went over to my desk and pulled open the filing drawer.

‘This is very kind of you,’ he said.

I flicked through the files until I found her job application and scanned it quickly.

‘No, I’m sorry. It’s just the address in Blackfriars.’ I looked at the second page.

‘There’s a number here for her reference; now, that might be a Helsinki number.’

‘Can I see?’

‘I probably shouldn’t be doing this...’

I showed him that bit of the form.

‘Ilkka Laine. Can I take the details down?’

I wrote down the name and number of Ilkka Laine on a Post-it note and gave it to him.

‘Just between us,’ I said.

‘Of course. Thank you very much. I appreciate you doing that.’

And then I saw him look at my photograph of Billy and Markus, which I have on my desk. I’m sure I saw a flash of recognition in his eyes. He saw that I’d noticed him noticing the photograph and tried to cover that with a question.

‘Is that your son?’

‘Yes, Billy. It was taken a few months ago. He’s nearly one now.’

‘He looks very interested in the world.’

‘He is!’

I walked him to the door. He gave me his card and I saw that he was a psychoanalyst. We stood there awkwardly as if there was much more we could both have said.

‘I do hope you can find something out.’

‘I hope so too. I would very much like to support Heja through this crisis if I can.’

We shook hands and he left.

I was shaken by this meeting with Robert. He had recognized Markus; I know he had. And he didn’t want to acknowledge that to me. But how could he have recognized him? Does she have pictures of Markus in her flat? Could he have met him? And did he know that they were lovers for nine years? No, I didn’t think so. She would have her secrets from him just as Markus had his secrets from me. He wanted to help her and she had just left him hanging. She and Markus were alike: they gave so little and they both held the most important bit back.

And I wondered why I hadn’t asked him more about her. He has been her lover for months and he’ll know stuff about her. I think what stopped me saying more was that it’s obvious he’s crazy about her and I could not have concealed my hatred of her.

Aisha had gone to lunch so I locked my office and went for a walk up to Hampstead to try to calm myself. What is it about her? When I think of Heja I feel my face go all hard and my lips tighten as if there is something very bitter in my mouth. I don’t want to feel like this any more. I want to get back to how I felt on the walk to Botallack, with the sweet-smelling heather stretching out on either side of us, the sun high overhead, Markus at my side and Billy on my back. How I was before I saw that photograph of them. I was happy then and didn’t know it.

Happy? I was living in a fool’s paradise. There is this one lie, Markus not telling me about Heja when I first told him we’d hired her. At first it is only a single lie, but that one lie creates a chain reaction and it affects everything around it. That lie meant that Markus could never talk to me about his life in Finland. That lie meant that a distance gradually grew between us. It was the fault line running through our relationship, which I had begun to feel after Billy was born. But of course the trouble had already started when I was six months pregnant and we appointed Heja. That lie destroyed the intimacy and the pleasure we’d enjoyed in the early months of our relationship when we both felt we had been gifted a new beginning. That lie meant that every time I spoke to Heja, or passed her on the stairs, or gave her an article to write, she had this other knowledge, this other conversation running in her head. She knew what I did not know. She knew that Markus had lied to me. And Markus built another lie on the first one when I asked him about Heja and her job in television. Then one day the lies rise to the surface and bob in front of your eyes like pieces of excrement floating on greasy water. The lies spread and rot and destroy and it is immaterial that I found out that day in Botallack, or that Robert found out today about Markus and Heja. The lies could not have lived on much longer.

Today was truly horrible. Philip Parr got back from his holiday and was in early and Heja’s poison is spreading.

His first meeting was with Victoria. While she was in with him I was going through my emails and saw that one had come in from Hector Agapito. We’ve invited all the contributors to the launch party, as well as the press and travel writers. I opened it at once and Hector had written that he was definitely coming to the launch, was looking forward to it. He was also going to be in London next week and wondered if we could meet for lunch. He hoped I was fine and that Billy was thriving and to let him know if we could meet. It was a really friendly email and his photos are going to be a big feature at the launch. We are planning to put a big screen up and we’ll play a sequence of the best photographs blown up to magnificent size. Some of his shots have been chosen for this presentation.

My first instinct was to say no to the lunch with Hector. I’m a changed person since we met in Lisbon in June. My marriage is in difficulties and I’m filled with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. Then I remembered our lunch of moules and how easy it had been to talk to him and how warm he was. And, oh, I needed some warmth at the moment. So I emailed him back that, yes, we should meet for lunch, that this time it would be my treat and I knew where we could get some great fish and chips. The phone buzzed on my desk and I jumped for some reason. It was Philip’s PA, summoning me to his to office to report on what had been going on in his absence.

As soon as I walked into his room I could feel his aggression. He barely answered my polite enquiries about his holiday, grunting a response and waving it away then asking in a nasty tone of voice, ‘What’s this I hear about Heja leaving?’

‘I was about to tell you. Heja came to see me a couple of weeks ago and had to leave at once to go to Helsinki. Her mother’s very ill and—’

‘Why didn’t you clear this with me?’ he barked.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Why didn’t you consult me? I wasn’t on the moon. I was at the end of a phone.’

‘What was there to consult about? Heja virtually demanded that she leave at once. I offered her compassionate leave. She said no she wanted to resign with immediate effect; that she couldn’t work out her notice. She’d booked a plane ticket for the very next day!’

‘There’s something not quite right here,’ he said in an accusing tone of voice.

I could feel fear and anger building in me in equal measure. I felt simultaneously wronged and in the wrong.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Why would Heja give up her job just like that?’ He snapped his fingers in an aggressive way near my face. ‘She told me she liked working here. But she didn’t like the team dynamics. Were you having a difficult relationship with her?’

‘Philip, I object to the way you’re talking to me. You seem to be accusing me of something.’

‘While you were on holiday Heja made a few criticisms of the heritage guide, quite sensible criticisms, as it happens. She felt she couldn’t talk to you about them.’

‘This is the first I’ve heard of this.’

‘Precisely,’ he snapped at me.

‘This is too much! Heja demanded to leave because her mother is very ill. If you want to accuse me of being a bad manager then go ahead and do it.’

Philip backed off at this point. ‘I’m just saying it’s very unfortunate to lose someone of Heja’s abilities.’

‘And good looks,’ I hissed back.

I turned and walked out of his office. I was buoyed up by my rage.

Some time later Victoria came to see me. I had a great pile of papers on the floor and had been going through them, tearing up old articles and letters and stuffing them into my waste bin in fury. I was going to leave the magazine. I couldn’t work with Philip Parr. I’d had enough. Before Botallack I would have called Markus and told him what had happened and asked his advice. Things had changed and I could not call him now – and certainly not to discuss Heja!

Victoria stood at the threshold of my office and raised one eyebrow as she said, ‘I’ve been sent as the messenger of peace. He knows he went too far. He doesn’t want you to resign too, just before our big launch.’

‘He’s outrageous. He accused me of driving Heja away.’

‘Look, Heja was a difficult woman. No one liked her.’

‘Except Philip...’

Victoria knelt down on the floor next to me with a sigh.

‘He fancied her, for God’s sake. You know Philip. And she made moves on him while you were in Cornwall. Went to lunch with him and he probably thought he was in with a chance.’

‘It’s so like her to go behind my back. How do you put up with him? He’s vile and I would like to leave; just pack my stuff and go!’

‘Don’t, Kathy. You’re a bloody good editor and we’re about to launch your guide. It’s your baby.’

‘Bloody monster baby! And he said that Heja was critical of it.’

‘She thought we shouldn’t do all the sites. She was scathing about some of the minor sites.’

‘So we should do a survey but leave things out!’

‘Hey, I’m on your side! Come on, come out for a coffee with me.’

‘Sorry, yes, let’s get out of here.’

As Victoria and I walked through the office the place was charged with emotion. Word must have got round that Philip and I had had a big bust-up.

When Hector arrived at the office in the last week of September I hurried down to meet him in the foyer. I’d dressed with care that morning and had put on a summer print dress with sunflowers on it and a short yellow cardigan. Then I’d felt a bit awkward wearing the pretty dress all morning, even though the day was sunny. Was it too obvious that I wanted to look nice? At least there had been no Heja there to look at me with mocking eyes. Hector was in jeans and a white linen shirt and looked tanned and relaxed. He hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and complimented me on my dress.

We walked to a café I liked and found a table in the corner. Our tablecloth was red gingham and cheerful.

‘They do good cod here but the haddock is great,’ I said.

‘I’m in your hands, Kathy.’

I ordered two haddock and chips with a side order of mushy peas and two giant gherkins.

‘Mushy peas...? That will be a new experience. How are things?’ he asked, giving me one of his direct and warm looks.

‘OK; maybe a bit better than OK...’

‘I sense a “but” there...’

I looked around the café and there was no one in there that I knew. To be on the safe side I slipped into Portuguese.

‘My boss is a difficult man.’

‘Bosses often are.’

‘Yes. I haven’t been editor long, only since April, and I’m still on probation. He makes me feel insecure. And when I’m insecure I make mistakes.
And
we had a bad bust-up last week.’

‘What happened?’

‘He took his temper out on me because a member of my team he fancied had resigned while he was on holiday.’

‘He sounds a prick.’

‘He really is. I’m still feeling sore about it.’