The Life I Now Live (16 page)

Andy took a shower while I got Riley ready for bed, then placed her in her playpen and curled up on the floor beside her. A few minutes later Andy fell asleep beside me. I watched him. Couldn’t sleep with all his jerky motions. Plus I felt horrible for him. His terrors haunted him even when he slept. My eyes closed and at some point my dreams took over. So vivid and detailed. A man and I holding hands as nurses wheeled Riley away for her surgery. He held me. I couldn’t see his face, though I tried to make it out. My dream made him faceless. All I know is I felt at home in his arms.

I woke to Andy tapping my shoulder and whispering something. I sat up.

“Look what time it is,” he said.

“3:33?”

“Another sign. They are messing with me, Heidi. They’re playing mind games with me.”

“Go to sleep, dear.” I rubbed his head and ran my fingers through his hair until he closed his eyes. Never seen a soul so tortured. Made me want to take his place. Take it away and let him run free again. He needed a break from the madness. He needed a lighthouse to guide him back to shore. I watched him twitch in his sleep, wishing I could be a lighthouse for him, but I worried nothing would suffice. I worried the poor guy would die of paranoia.

Ch. 24 | Patrick

My ride to work changed from a warm car to a brisk ride on my board, and I couldn’t have been happier. So glad Secret Admirer Chick told me to try it again. So many childhood joys get lost in the busyness of pretending to be an adult. I think Michael Jackson should’ve been admired more than he was. Well, maybe he was forced into his childlikeness because he never had the chance to be a kid, but still, I always admired his water balloon fights and afternoon tree climbs. People thought he was crazy, but he was just trying to find life inside of tragedy. Sometimes the only way to find life is to be like a kid. And skateboarding made me feel like a kid again. A recovered childhood dream that forced me to remember who I was before the storm. I was fun. And filled with life.

When I got to work I emailed her.

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: Childhood

What’s one childhood joy you haven’t experienced since you were a kid?

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Childhood

Mmmm… probably horseback riding. Did it once when I was ten, loved it so much it made me cry, but haven’t done it since.

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Childhood

Go and do it. I have loved every minute of skateboarding. It makes me want to scream to the world… GO AND DO SOMETHING YOU LOVE RIGHT NOW! Something you haven’t done in at least ten years. Then make the person next to you do the same thing.

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Childhood

Can I be super honest with you?

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Childhood

Yeah

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Childhood

Do you think we are just going to spend our lives emailing back and forth like this? Nothing happening? I’m thinking maybe we should stop. It doesn’t feel right anymore. 

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Childhood

What would it feel like if it felt right?

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Childhood

Like you wanted to meet me.

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Childhood

Maybe I do.