The Life List (The List Trilogy) (15 page)

“I’m so tired of hurting and hoping. God, I’m so tired. I’ve known Kurt my entire adult life and I can’t think of a day I felt cherished by him. You know, once I even asked him why he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful and he said it’s because he doesn’t want me to get too full of myself. I don’t even know what to make of that.”

I detect a note of pity on Dr. Maria’s face, and it feels like a stab wound to my heart because despite all of the other bullshit, not feeling cherished is what hurts the most.

“I can’t think of a time when Kurt’s paused long enough to tell me how much he loves me, and that includes our wedding day. I met Leo all of three months ago, and he made me believe his world would fall apart without me in it.
I just want Kurt to love me like that, Dr. Maria! Why is it so hard for him to think I’m special just the way I am
?”

“Chrissy, I think we need to ask him those questions. Did you ask him if-”

Lifting my head from the tissue I’m ferociously blowing my nose into, I interrupt again.

“Lately I’ve been thinking really hard about what triggered my weird behavior in January when I met Leo. I think it goes back to something that happened three months prior, in October. Yeah, sure there was all of that other dysfunctional crap going on in my marriage, but something so bizarre happened and I think it immediately severed whatever tiny connection there was holding me and Kurt together.”

The timer alerts us that the session is over, and Dr. Maria motions for me to stay seated while she walks out of her office. I presume to tell the next whack job that she needs a few more minutes with the one she’s currently with. It gives me a second to reconsider what I’m about to tell her.

“All right hunny, continue.”

“If you have to go…”

“Please. Continue.”

“Last October, I had a miscarriage, and Kurt wouldn’t talk to me about it.”

“Did he…hold on…did you
try
to talk to him?” I knew it was unbelievable.

“A little bit.”

“Why not a lot?”

“You just heard me describe him to you. What’s the point?”

“What happened exactly?”

“I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant, and we barely even have enough sex to make it possible but it happened.”

“How did Kurt react to the news?”

“Like he needed proof.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told him I took a test and it came out positive. He said, “Wow” and that was about it. We didn’t talk about it again.”

“How long was it until the miscarriage?”

“I guess about two weeks after that. I asked Kurt if he wanted to talk about what happened and, without even a hug, he said it’s not worth agonizing over since we didn’t know for sure if I was even pregnant.” Staring out of the window and into the dark night, I continue. “The illusion of me and Kurt being the perfect couple,
the illusion I had been living every single day for the last twelve years
, was shattered the moment he doubted the pregnancy.”

Dr. Maria looks repulsed. I wonder if she thinks I’m lying.

“So, he had no reaction to either the pregnancy or the miscarriage?”

“Nope. Not one day during the pregnancy did he ask me how I felt or touch my tummy. He never asked if I called a doctor or asked to take a pregnancy test with me. Then, after the miscarriage, he just rejected the idea that we even lost anything. Kinda like when we were younger.”

Oh crap. I didn’t mean to bring that up.

“What happened when you were younger?”

“You’re gonna think I’m a total mess.”

“Trust me, you’re not the messiest.”

“Kurt and I had a pregnancy situation when I was seventeen.”

“How horrible for you guys.”

Looking back out into the darkness, “I terminated it. That was supposed to be that, except it wasn’t.”

“It was pretty bad?”

“The worst.”

 “And Kurt?”

“We were both in pain, but of course we handled it differently. I tried so hard to talk to him, but he completely shut me out, told me what’s done is done, so move on. I wanted the tragedy to bring us closer and he wanted it to disappear. But I never let it disappear. I just buried it.”

“And that’s not a healthy thing to do is it?”

“Nope, because all these years later, it still hurts. The disappointment is as fresh today as it was then. The sad thing is I know it’s the same for him, but he won’t talk about it.”

“Do you think that experience compelled you to stay with Kurt? You know…ignore the things he did that made you feel bad because you felt the need to right a wrong with him?”

“I’m beginning to think there were a lot of naive reasons we stayed together. I’m not sure which one to put at the top of the list.”

“What was
your
reaction to the miscarriage in October?”

“It was the opposite of the abortion. I didn’t beg for attention. I didn’t cry. I didn’t force Kurt to feel something that wasn’t there. I even remember being in awe of his disconnection from the experience. Not in a distraught way, more like a, ‘so this is who you really are,’ kinda way.”

I address Dr. Maria like I’m the one in charge.

“So now I know. The miscarriage was the knife in the back of my illusion; it was the thing that killed us.”

“Regardless of your responsibility for how things are in your marriage, it’s not normal that a married woman would have to give proof of a pregnancy to her husband. Her word alone should be cause enough for celebration, or in your case of loss, compassion. That must have been a very difficult time for you.”

“Loss? Call me heartless, Dr. Maria, but I never mourned the loss of that baby. That child would’ve only perpetuated my illusion for God knows how much longer. Shit was gonna hit the fan eventually, no need for a child to be a part of the pain. That experience was my wake-up call. I feel like Kurt’s commanded control of nearly every aspect of my life. I eat what that man wants me to eat, I wear the shoes he wants me to wear, I go on the vacations he wants me to go on, and the list goes on and on. But when he made me doubt what I had experienced, I totally checked out of the marriage.”

I don’t think I’ve been this true to myself since I was sixteen years old. It feels awkward, like a crippled person who stands up from a wheelchair and takes a few miraculous steps. Don’t fall, Chrissy.

“You have to figure out why you let him control you. That’s something you and I will work on together. In the meantime, I’d like you to put your foot down on some of his demands about the food you eat and other personal choices like that.”

“I already have, and it’s created a pretty turbulent environment. I don’t want to live like this anymore, Dr. Maria. I love him, I really do, but I’m afraid there’s too much space between us to ever have what I need out of my marriage.”

“Hun, it’s critical for your sanity and your marriage to get Kurt in here right away. Can you make that happen next week?”

“Yeah. And by the way…you’re gonna love him. Everybody does.”

Sinking

April, 1998

“You’ve been going to therapy without telling me? What’s wrong with the St. John’s Wort I gave you?”

I roll my eyes up from my computer screen and attempt to ridicule his inquiry, but he cuts me off at the pass.

“Here’s an idea. Instead of spending money on a therapist, maybe you should take up something like yoga. It’ll relax you, plus it’s cheaper and you’ll get in great shape.”

Okay, first of all yoga is gay and second of all…I want to rip my clothes off and show him that I’m already in great shape, but it’ll just make him want me and I can’t even go there.

“I dunno Kurt, guess I’m unhappy. Actually…she wants to see us both next week.”

Judging by my tone, he can’t possibly think I’m hopeful his presence will amount to anything.

“Why me? This has nothing to do with me. I’m happy.”

“Really?  You’re happy, Kurt? As my husband, I wonder how you can be happy when I just told you I’m not. Seriously, if you told me you were unhappy, I’d walk over hot coals if I thought it would help you.” Well… maybe a year ago I would have. “And I’m not talking about torturing you with therapy either.” But I kind of am. “I hope you’ll go willingly because you love me and you want me to be happy. But, of course, if you have a problem with any of that, I’ll just continue to go alone and talk about you and all our problems.”

“Geez babe, you know I love you. What day and time? I’ll have to let the softball team know I’ll be missing practice.”

“Wednesday at 5:30pm.”

“Great, that’s game night.”

“Great, I’ll tell Dr. Maria that.”

“Man, Chrissy. Calm down. I’ll be there for you.”

“For us.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

I grab my coat and yell, “Be back soon,” as I make my way out to my car to meet my best friends for dinner. I’m not going willingly though. Courtney threatened to cut me off for good if I didn’t show up. She knows something’s wrong. On my way to the restaurant, I purposely pass the spot where Leo and I sat in my car and talked until the sun came up on the night we met. It’s been weeks since that last phone call with him, and I haven’t stopped thinking about him or stopped doing stupid stuff like this. In fact, I’ve driven to the reservoir three times, but there was no sign of him. Maybe he knew I’d go looking, so he deliberately stayed away. I pass Dr. Maria’s office and see her light on. Busy lady. I try to feel an iota of optimism about Kurt going to therapy with me, but there’s none. I’m scared to death that it’s pointless and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life wishing it wasn’t my life…just like Francesca. I park my car at the restaurant and schlep my way to the door, wondering if I can pull myself together long enough to convince my friends that “everything’s perfect!” As I’m entering, a girl with hair blonder than mine and eyes even bluer than my own, grabs my arm. I hated her the minute I saw her.

“Hey! Is your name Chrissy?”

“Do I know you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, no! My name’s Megan. I saw your picture at my friend Leo’s house.”

“
You did
!?”

“Yeah, I wondered why he still had it up. You know…being that you two aren’t seeing each other anymore. Poor guy, seemed so sad at first, but a bunch of us set him straight, and he’s real good now. In fact, we just partied at his place last night.”

Megan, Megan, Megan…
OH, MEGAN
! Leo told me about this chick. She has some classes with him at St. Mary’s, but he said she also takes night classes at The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. She wants to design her own label and run her own business one day. Get in line, bitch! Anyway, she’s always flirting with him and showing up at his apartment without invitation. Obviously she’s in love with him. It didn’t bother me while I was seeing him because…well, I’m me and she’s just a kid. But seeing her now makes me want to stab her in her childlike eyes. That’ll have to wait though, because my three best friends are walking-toward-me-right-NOW!

“There was a picture of me?”

“Oh don’t worry, it’s cute! You’re sitting by a pool or something.” Ah yes, I remember now that I conveniently left that picture, along with my bra, at his apartment. I looked amazing in it, and I hoped by leaving it behind, he would show it to his friends. I’m so fucked in the head.

“So when are you getting married?”

I can’t believe Leo told her I was getting married
!

“Um…well I haven’t figured that out yet. Hey, I gotta run, I’m meeting some friends and…”

Oh shit, here they come. As I walk away from her, I yell out, “Tell Leo I said hello and I hope he’s doing well.” I didn’t have time to think about how lame that sounded because I was too preoccupied with my rapidly approaching friends. I hope to hell she doesn’t tell him I hope he’s “
doing well
.” It dilutes the magnitude of pain I feel without him. But I’m in shock right now! Leo’s people are infiltrating my city, my restaurants! This CANNOT happen! Omigod, what if I was with Kurt? My two worlds could’ve just collided! Jesus, I’m gonna have to look over my shoulder the rest of my life! I can actually feel another pound melt away from my body.

“Hey, girly!”

It’s Courtney, and as I get closer, she reaches her hand out to me.

“Geez woman, why so pale? Are you okay?”

I look up at the three of them, and just as I’m about to lie about having the flu, Nicole blurts out, “Who was that girl with the great hair and who’s Leo?”

The jig is up.

“No, I’m not okay. Girls, I have some stuff to tell you. First, we need cocktails.”

After the head-on collision with Megan, I desperately wanted to tell my friends about Leo. Being recognized by that girl scared the shit out of me, and I wanted them to comfort me. Then on the way to our table, my fear turned into anger, and I wanted them to help me beat Megan up in the parking lot. But once we were seated and I had my martini in my hand, I wimped out of saying or doing anything about Megan or Leo. If I end up staying with Kurt, which for some reason seems to be my goal right now, I can’t have my shame belonging to anyone other than me. Besides, who am I kidding? My friends are the types to
run away
from a fight, not instigate one. Buncha pansies. Instead, I gently introduce the three of them to my soap opera by finally telling them how screwed up my marriage is. After an hour of non-stop talking, I pause long enough to take a swig of my now very warm martini.

“I knew it. I never thought you two had much in common.”

“Thanks Courtney, maybe you could’ve mentioned that like I dunno…ten years ago!”

“Right, like you would’ve listened to me anyway. You were gonna marry Kurt whether I told you it was a bad idea or not. You’re too damn stubborn, Chrissy.” Kinda chuckling she adds, “Besides, the man’s so damn good looking, I guess we all sorta thought it wouldn’t matter what you guys had in common.”

Not chuckling and staring at my drink, “I can’t even see his beauty anymore.”

“Really, it’s that bad?”

“It’s that bad.”

“I’d be a wreck if my marriage was a mess like that.”