The Life List (The List Trilogy) (31 page)

“You sound like Dr. Maria, and I know you’re both right, but I can’t help but be offended that Kelly’s treating me like a loser. Soon that’s how everyone’s gonna treat me. I’m the big letdown, the big cheater quitter! That’s all everyone will be thinking!”

“God, you’re so full of yourself to think everyone’s thinking about you all the time.”

I’m usually good at being defensive, but Nic’s comment left me speechless.

“People do have their own shit going on, you know. Besides, did you ever think that maybe people will think you’re the strong one?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Realizing your marriage isn’t good for you and taking a stand about it takes courage. You shouldn’t confuse people’s reactions with thinking poorly of you.”

“Nicole’s right. People might act weird, but maybe it’s because your divorce will cause them to feel vulnerable in their own marriage. People might think if it can happen to Kurt and Chrissy, it could happen to me. I know I’ve thought that.”

“It has? But you and Guss seem fine.”

“We’re all right, but it’s not glamorous by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, there’s no sex on the coffee table or blow jobs anymore, that’s for sure. And since Baby Jack came along, Guss certainly doesn’t want to go down… “

“WHOA! STOP THERE! I GET IT ALREADY!”

“What I mean is, when things get routine in a relationship, and they
always
do, there’s got to be something in it to fall back on. Something special that makes all the boring bullshit not so boring. You made me double-check my relationship with Guss to make sure something special is there and you know what?  It is. And because I feel secure in my marriage, I can tell you that I think you’re smart for realizing that certain something special isn’t there for you and Kurt and that you’re incredibly courageous to do something about it. All those less secure people might think differently, but you shouldn’t let them guide your choices.”

“She’s right, Chrissy. Look, I love Kurt, Court loves Kurt, the whole friggin’ world loves Kurt. He’s a great guy, but we’re not married to him, you are.”

“I really wish Kelly would talk to me like you guys are.”

“She can’t.”

“But this is a big deal. She can’t crawl out of her shell for me?”

“Nope. But she’ll always stand by your side in it.”

“Court, do you think what’s going on with me is making Kelly reevaluate her relationship with Craig?”

“No, not at all. Kelly thinks her life is perfect, and she loves Craig. But maybe she’s afraid it’ll make Craig reevaluate the one he has with her.”

“I never thought of that.”

“Yeah, Kyle’s afraid you’re gonna rub off on me! Like I’m gonna go have an affair or something.”

“YOU TOLD KYLE ABOUT MY AFFAIR?!”

“Oh, shit…yeah, sorry about that. That’s what happily married people do though, they tell their spouses everything. I promise he won’t say a word though. Courtney, didn’t you tell Guss?”

“Nope, Chrissy told us not to say anything, so I didn’t. AND THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M UNHAPPILY MARRIED! It means I can keep my big mouth shut.”

After I
kinda
sobered up and kissed my two friends goodbye, I set off to spend another night at my parent’s house. When I showed up on their doorstep a few weeks ago and told them about my troubles, I was surprised my mom greeted me with open arms, a glass of wine, and a comfy bed. My whole life, she told me that after I got married, I could only come home if I was bleeding. I guess it was supposed to instill some kind of work ethic in me. Mostly it just made me feel unloved. But the older I get, the more I realize that a lot of my mom’s threats were empty ones and that maybe I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today if it wasn’t for her toughness. She might not have wanted me to quit a good marriage, but I sure as hell know she wouldn’t want me to stay in a bad one, and something about my mom’s reaction when I showed up on her doorstep told me she wants me to leave Kurt.

I give the security guard at the gate of my parents’ golf community my name for the hundredth time and sarcastically remind him that I’ll be coming and going for a while, so he might as well give me my own clicker so that I can let myself in. He keeps both eyes on Jay Leno and grunts. I’ll steal my mom’s in the morning…payback for making me feel unloved. I gaze up at the full moon through my sunroof and wonder if Leo’s looking at it too. God I miss…woopsy, curb! Geez, so much for taking a moment to reflect. With my newly flat tire, I round the corner of my parent’s street and see Kurt leaning against his car. Cautiously, I pull into the driveway. Partly because of the tire, partly because I’m wondering what the hell is going on.

“Where have you been?”

“In Freakmont, with the girls.”

“Wow, you actually went to Fremont?”

“I know, can you believe it?”

“About as much as I can believe you moved out of our house.”

“So you finally get that I moved out, huh?”

“I get it, Chrissy and I want you to come home, tonight.”

“I think we have a lot to talk about--”

“Hold on, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. I understand you’re upset with me and the way things are, but I’m gonna try really hard to make you happy, Chrissy, I promise. You have to come home and give me a chance to show you.”

“Kurt, I’m not ready to go back.”

Don’t wimp out Chrissy! Tell him you want a divorce right now!

Two-thirds of your best friends support you, just get on with it.

“Then I’ll stay here with you.”

“That kinda defeats the purpose of the whole time away concept, don’t you think?”

“We can’t fix things if you’re away.”

Tell him you’re done trying to fix things! Tell him now.

“Kurt, it’s after midnight. I can’t pack my things up right now, I’ll wake my parents.”

Hey dumbass, that’s giving him hope.

“Just grab what you need, and we’ll come back tomorrow and get the rest of your things. Come on, the dog misses you.”

“
The dog misses me
?”

“Okay, I miss you.”

Am I at one of those crossroads Dr. Maria talked about? But wasn’t I already at this one? Why am I being asked all this stuff again? Grandpa, you there?

“Why are you staring at the sky?”

 “Just looking for answers, I guess.”

“Answers to what? Look, you have to come home eventually.

What’s the difference if it’s tonight or next Tuesday?”

He really has no clue that we’re on the verge of divorce.

GRANDPA!?!?!?!?!

“Kurt, I don’t know if I ever want to come home.”

“What are you talking about?”

Tell him!

“I’m just…I need more time and…things are peaceful for me here and…”

“But, Chrissy, we’re married, and you don’t live here. Come home so we can work on us.”

“Do you want me to come home because you’re afraid of what people are starting to think?”

“There’s nothing to think. Married people have problems, and so what, we’re having some.”

“So you think what we’re experiencing is some kind of bump in the road?”

“Yeah, it’s not always gonna be perfect. Those old people you see walking down the street, you know the cute ones holding hands and looking like it’s been so perfect all those years. They’ve had tons of problems like this but they battled through all of them to earn that look.”

“Or maybe they’re just holding onto each other so they don’t fall over.”

“Chrissy, I’m serious. This is what marriage is.”

I don’t know what’s worse, that he actually believes this is what marriage is or that I packed up my belongings and went back home.

Every dream that had been shattered

Disappears without a trace

Now that I’ve found what really matters…

There’s a world behind these walls

That I just need to see, believe in me

(Believe in Me, ATB)

Bar hopping gutter slut(s)

August, 1998

I took one step forward by moving out and ten steps backward by moving back home last month. Whatever ounce of progress I made by alerting Kurt to our problems was all but buried when I got in the car to go home with him that night.

He was giddy as we drove home, talking about normal things like mowing the lawn and giving the dog a bath. I also got a ten-minute tough love speech about how damaging it is to your car to drive around with a flat tire. With my hand on the door handle I sat silent in the passenger seat thinking about Francesca and prison. And I was silent three weeks ago when he came home with the most beautiful diamond necklace for me. That thing must have cost a thousand bucks, and it’s the first thing he ever bought me that didn’t belong anywhere near a campground. Even so, I barely muttered a word when he clasped it around my neck. And almost immediately after I moved back home, he started praising the long hours I put in at work,
and
he hasn’t said a word about the chips and salsa I eat for dinner almost every night. It seems like Kurt’s really, really trying, and I wish so badly his efforts won over my heart, but they’re only breaking it even more…and making it more silent. The whole shit show has Dr. Maria totally confused.

“So let me get this straight, you finally got the nerve to move out, you cut off all communication with Leo so you can have time to sort out your affairs with Kurt,
and
you tell your friends you’re heading for divorce, but in one five minute conversation with Kurt you’re living at home as if nothing ever happened?”

“Ah…yep, that’s correct. Oh except…it’s as if nothing ever happened for Kurt. I’m totally aware it all happened.”

“Apparently you’re not, because you’re back at home. You’re the one in the driver’s seat, Chrissy! Don’t you see that?”

“I know I am, but how do I drive someone who’s completely unaware there are major problems?”

“You tell him.”

“It’s not that easy! It makes me think I’m wrong.”

After a few seconds of silence, Dr. Maria gets up and starts pacing the floor like an attorney in a courtroom.

“Have you ever fired someone at work?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you give them warnings ahead of time?”

“Of course.”

“So, after you explained the problems to them on multiple occasions, did you feel any guilt, or second guess your decision to fire them in any way?”

“No.

“Did any of them plead to keep their job?”

“Yes.”

“Did you let them keep it?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Business is business, and I have a company to run. I can’t have slack holding me back. Plus, if I changed my mind after presenting clear evidence of poor performance, I’d look like a weak fool. I’d lose the respect of my staff.”

“Haven’t you given Kurt warnings that you’re at the end of your rope?”

“You know I have.”

“Even though you decided to move back home, have you second guessed your decision to divorce Kurt?”

“No.”

“Well, don’t you feel like a weak fool in terms of your decision to be with him then?”

“It’s different!”

“How so?”

“I’ve
always
been in control at work and I’ve
never
been in control at home. Kurt’s always been the decision maker, so I’m not only stripping him of a wife; I’m stripping him of his power. I might as well kill the man.”

“
Whoa
! Are you saying his power over you is more important than your happiness?”

“No! I’m saying I don’t have the heart to hurt and confuse him!”

“We’ve been over this a million times, Chrissy. Kurt will be fine.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want him to be.”

“Is that why you’re not getting on with your life? So you don’t have to endure another one of his emotionally-detached episodes? Because I know those can be painful.”

The rest of the session is like déjà vu, and my next session after that is exactly the same. I’ve become stuck in a vacuum with zero ability to escape; the expression “I suck” totally works. On top of everything else I haven’t seen or heard from Leo in five weeks, and the messages on his answering machine have become unbearable to listen to. Not because Taddeo has been throwing me under the bus either. It’s because there has been zero mention of me. The last two messages he left for Leo sent me straight to my medicine cabinet to numb the pain. I finally decided to confess to Slutty Co-worker that I’ve been hacking into Leo’s voicemail, hoping she’d help me stop. Wishful thinking.

“Hold on a minute, you’ve been listening to his messages? That’s unreal!”

“Yeah, about as unreal as that bracelet dangling from your wrist that a married father of three gave you.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I’m admiring your work.”

“It’s not work, it’s an addiction that might just kill me before my actual marriage does.”

Clapping like a three-year-old she yells out, “Play some for me!”

“
Hey Bastard, I’m flying up for the weekend. I’m staying at my buddy’s place in San Francisco, and we’re going to the Red Devil Lounge on Saturday night. His girlfriend has some chicks she wants to set us up with. I know it’s not your scene, but drive down and hang out with us anyway
.”

“Don’t worry too much about it, hun. You told me before that Leo’s not the club scene kinda guy.”

“Oh yeah? Apparently he is now. Listen to Taddeo’s next message.”

“
Hey, got your message! I’ll pick you up at your apartment in Moraga, and we’ll drive to the city together. It’s gonna be a good time. Blehhhhh
.”

“What’s
Blehhhh
?”

“Some sort of grunting noise they do when they talk. I used to think it was cute, now I hate it. Damn it! I know he’s gonna hook up with a girl!”

“Not necessarily.”

“What do you mean?”

“What if you and I decide to go to the Red Devil on Saturday?”

“Oh that’s just ridiculous! I can’t do that…
can
I?”

“Of course you can! Plus, I want to meet that Italian
Blehhhhh
boy.”