The Little Sleep (23 page)

I think about the backyard and demolished shed. She’ll know where I found it.

I hold out my cell phone, wave it around like it’s Wonka’s golden ticket. “I’ve been on the phone with my clients all day. I’m not gonna just sit on my ass the whole time I’m down here. That wouldn’t be very professional, would it? Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. I watch the flick for simple verification, then stick it in a FedEx box, case closed. You go. Go finish up with that little cherub in there. I’m all set.”

Ellen folds her arms across her chest. She’s not having any of it. She digs in, entrenches, a tick in a mutt’s ear. She says, “I think you’re lying to me.”

“Frankly, I’m nonplussed. Would I lie to you, Clowny?”

“Yes. You do, all the time.”

“True. But this time everything is kosher.” I spread the word
everything
out like it’s smooth peanut butter.

Ellen sighs and throws up her hands. “I don’t know what to do with you, and I don’t have time to argue. I’ll set up the projector, then go back into the studio, and you can watch it in here by yourself.”

Okay, I’m by one hurdle, now on to the next. I talk as fast as I can, which isn’t very. “No good. I need someplace private. Not rush-hour downtown Osterville in an antiques store with a huge bay friggin’ window. Let me borrow it. I promise to return it in one piece. I’ll set it up and watch it at the house before you come home.”

“You’re a giant pain in my butt, you know that, right?”

I say, “I’ll have a bowl of popcorn ready for you when you get back. Extra butter.”

“Fine. Let me see if the bulbs still work.” Ellen plugs it in, turns it on. A beam of light shines out of the projection bulb and onto a bearskin rug and its matted fur. I resist the urge for a shadow puppet show. She turns off the projection bulb and two small lights come on within the body of the projector.

I say, “What are those lights?”

“You could thread the film in the dark, if you needed to.”

“Good to know.”

“This projector will automatically thread through the film gate, which is nice. If you think it’s a sound film, you’ll have to thread it manually through the sound head and then to the take-up reel. It’s easy, though.” Ellen points out the heads, loops, and hot spots. I should be taking notes, drawing diagrams.

She says, “The instruction manual is taped underneath the projector if you want to mess around with it. If you can figure out how to do it yourself, great, or just wait until I get home. I won’t be long. This kid is my last shoot of the day.” She shuts off the projector and unplugs it.

I say, “Thanks. I think I can handle it from here.”

Ellen walks to the other side of the counter, then ducks down and disappears. Momentarily inspired, I take one of the display case’s stacked film reels and tuck it inside my coat. The reel is black, not gray, but about the same size as the one I found. I’m a collector now.

Ellen emerges with a carrying case. “This was Tim’s projector. If you break it, you’re a dead man.” The little robot disappears into the case. I hope it won’t be lonely, separated from its friends.

Tim’s projector for Tim’s film that was in Tim’s shed. I’ve opened one of those sets of nested Russian dolls, and I don’t know when the dolls will stop coming out or how to stop them. I grab the case by the handle and let the projector hang by my hip. It’s heavy. It’s all heavy.

“How come you don’t sell these projectors, or the cameras on the wall?”

“What? We don’t have time for this.”

“You’re right, we don’t, but I want to know. Maybe the answer is important. Give me your gut-shot answer. Quick. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about what I’d want to hear or don’t want to hear. Just tell me.”

She says, “Because no one else should be using Tim’s stuff.”

I want to take the question back because she can’t answer it. It
wasn’t fair to try and distill something as complex as her twenty-five-plus years of being a widow into a reaction. She gave it an honest try. Don’t know what I was expecting, maybe something that would make Tim seem like a real person, not a collection of secrets, clues, and consequences. Something that helps me to get through tonight.

I say, “Fair enough. There will be no breaking of the projector. I’m a gentle soul.”

Ellen puts her hands in her hair. “You’ve got me all frazzled. I need to go back. There’s a stand-alone screen in that closet over there. Take it with you.”

I scoot down to the end of the display cabinet, boxing her in while I root through the closet for the screen. I hold up a long heavy cardboard box. “Is it in the box?”

“Yes! Now get out of the way. Shoo!”

I hustle after Ellen, my arms full of film equipment. Let’s all go to the lobby. I follow her into the reception area, to the studio. Ellen stops at the door.

“Where are you going?”

I say, “I’m going out the way I came in. Brill is going to meet me out back. He went to get a coffee and a pack of smokes and a
Playboy.
I’m telling you, he’s a sick old man.”

Ellen ignores me and walks into the studio. “Okay, so sorry for the interruption. He’s leaving, finally.”

It’s true.

Ellen breaks into a fake-cheery voice. She’s a pro at it, which makes me wonder how many years she used that voice on the kid me: everything is great and happy and there’s nothing wrong here, nothing can hurt you.

She says, “How’s Danny doing? Is he ready? You’re going to look so cool in the pictures, Danny. Picture time!”

The movie-show equipment is cumbersome. I flip the screen up onto my left shoulder, lugging it like a log. Balancing and carrying it is not easy.

Glamour Mom couldn’t care less about the goings-on and continues to talk on the phone. Danny is still crying, and is now dressed like a duck; yellow feathers and orange bill split wide open over his face, the suit swallows him. His wings flap around as Ellen changes the desert scene to a sunset lake.

I’m no duck. I am the guy waddling out, away from the sunset lake and into a back alley.

The sun is setting but there’s no lake back here. I buckle the projector into the passenger seat. It could be a bumpy ride and I don’t want it rolling around the trunk or backseat. It needs to survive the trip.

Before I climb behind the wheel, I take out the cell phone. No messages. I consider calling Brill, but I won’t. There’s no way he’d give me a ride to Southie, even if I did have enough cash, which I don’t. I turn off the cell phone. I’m sure Ellen will be calling me as soon as she gets home.

Yeah, Southie. I’ve made a decision. Don’t know if I’m going to call Jennifer, but I’m going back to Southie and my apartment. This is the only way to finish the case. My case. I don’t think I have the
cash or credit card balance left to hole up in a local motel, or any motel on the way to Southie, and watch the film. Besides, this isn’t about hiding anymore. That skulking-around shit I went through today is not for me. It makes me irritable and fatigued. This is about doing it my way. I’m going to go back to my office and my apartment, where I will watch this film and solve this case. It’s going to end there, one way or the other, because I say so.

Okay, the drive. The downtown traffic has decreased considerably. The townies are all home, eating dinner, watching the local news. I wonder what Janice Sullivan is doing tonight. I don’t remember if Brendan’s wake was today or not. I wonder how long her twin aunts are staying at the house. I think about Janice’s first day alone, and then the next one, and the next one. Will I be able to tell her, when all this is over, about the death of her husband?

Stop. I can’t lose myself in runaway trains of thought. Those are nonstop bullets to Sleep Town.

Motoring through the outskirts of Osterville and I need to make a pit stop before the big ride. I pull into a convenience store. Mine is the only car in the lot. If this was Southie, the townie kids would be hanging out here, driving around and buzzing the lot because there’s no other place to go. They’d spike their slurpies and drink hidden beers. But this isn’t Southie. I’m not there yet, not even close.

Inside, a quick supply run: supersized black coffee, a box of powdered donuts, and a pack of smokes. Dinner of champions. Let’s hope it brings on a spell of insomnia.

Back behind the wheel with my supplies, I check the seat belt rig on my copilot. I apologize for not getting it a Danish. I’m so inconsiderate.

I turn on the space car. The dashboard is a touch-screen computer with settings for the radio, CD player, climate control, fuel efficiency ratings for the trip, and a screen that displays an animated diagram of the hybrid engine and when the power shifts from gas to electric. Have to hand it to the rental agent, I wanted distracting and the kid gave it to me.

Next is the GPS. I plug in the convenience store’s address, then the destination, my apartment. I choose avoid highways instead of fastest trip. Driving on the highway, especially the expressway when I get closer to Boston, would be too dangerous for everyone. I know the drive, normally ninety minutes, will take twice, maybe even three times as long by sticking to back roads, but there’s always congestion on the highways and the likelihood of me killing myself and someone else with my car at highway speeds is too great. I’ll take it slow and steady and win the race on the back roads.

The GPS estimates driving time to be three hours and twenty-two minutes. I pat the projector, say, “Road trip,” and pull out of the lot. The GPS has a female voice. She tells me to turn left.

“You’re the boss.”

I drive. Osterville becomes Centerville becomes Barnstable becomes Sandwich. My coffee is hot enough to burn enamel, the way I like it. The combination of excitement, fear, and caffeine has me wired. I feel awake. I know it’s the calm before the storm. I still could go out at any minute, but I feel good. That’s until I remember there’s only two ways off the Cape. Both include a spot of highway driving and a huge bridge.

It’s past dusk and there’s no turning back. The sun is gone-daddy-gone and might never come up again if I’m not careful, as if
careful ever has anything to do with narcolepsy. I’m in Sandwich when the GPS tells me to get on Route 6. She’s too calm. She doesn’t realize what she’s telling me to do.

The on-ramp to the highway winds around itself and spits me onto a too-small runway to merge into the two-lane traffic. I jump on with both feet and all four tires, eyes forward, afraid to check my mirror. A hulking SUV comes right up my behind and beeps. The horn is loud enough to be an air raid siren. I jerk and swerve right but keep space car on the road. Goddamn highway, got to get off sooner than soon.

The Sagamore Bridge is ahead, a behemoth, seventy-plus years old. That can’t be safe for anyone. It spans the Cape Cod Canal and is at least 150 feet above the water. Its slope is too steep, the two northbound lanes too narrow. No cement dividers, just double yellow lines keep northbound and southbound separated. They need more than lines. North and south don’t like each other and don’t play well together. Doesn’t anyone know their history anymore?

There are too many cars and trucks squeezing over the towering Cape entrance and exit. I stay in the right lane. I’m so scared I’m literally shaking. White powder from a donut I stuff in my mouth sprinkles all over my pants. I probably shouldn’t be eating now, but I’m trying for some sort of harmless everyday action while driving, just like the other slob motorists on the death bridge.

The steel girders whisper at my car doors. I’m on an old rickety roller coaster. The car is ticking its way up the big hill, still going up, and I’m anticipating the drop. My hands are empty of donut and back on the wheel, still shaking. This is a mistake. I can’t manage my narcolepsy and I can’t manage who or what I’ll hit with the space car
when I go to sleep. No if. When. I don’t know when an attack will happen. There’s no pattern. There’s no reason.

I try to drink the coffee but my tremors are too violent and I get my lips and chin scalded for the trouble. The swell of traffic moves at a steady 45 miles per hour. There are other vehicles on the front, back, and left of me. I can’t slow down and can’t switch lanes. I won’t look right and down, to the water. I’m not afraid of the bridge or the fall. I’m afraid of me, of that curtain that’ll just go down over my eyes.

I crest the top of the bridge. A blast of wind voices its displeasure and pushes me left a few inches. I correct course, but it’s not a smooth correction. The car jerks. The wind keeps blowing, whistling around the car’s frame. My hands want to cry on the steering wheel. They’re doing their best. They need a drink and a cigarette.

After the crest is down. The down is as steep as the up, and almost worse. The speed of the surrounding traffic increases. We have this incredible group forward momentum and nothing at the bottom of the hill to slow us down. I tap my brakes for no reason. I chance a look in the rearview mirror and the bulk of the bridge is behind me. Thank Christ. I’m over the canal and off the Cape. I breathe for the first time since Sandwich. The breath is too clean. Need a smoke, but that will have to wait until I get off the highway.

I’m finally off the bridge. Ms. GPS says she wants world peace and Route 6 is now Route 3 north, and I need to take the first exit to get with the back-roads plan again. Easy for her to say. I still have some highway to traverse.