The Longing (33 page)

He heard the distant shout of Amelia’s voice
calling to him and he knew he didn’t want to die. He needed to
apologize to her, to explain what she meant to him . . .

He raised his numb feet for another blow, but
the tip of an ax smashed through the planks.

“Duke!” Kyle called through his raspy throat,
then realized that Duke would never hear him above the roaring fire
and shouting men. The only way to let them know they were hacking
the wall in the right place was to signal by moving the boards, so
Kyle used his remaining strength to kick the planks.

More wood splintered as another ax gouged the
building, then several hands yanked planks free and pried the nails
from the frame with metal pry bars. Kyle watched it all through a
haze of smoke, his only conscious thought being to keep his feet
moving and keep himself from igniting. He was barely conscious when
Duke stopped swinging his ax and Boyd and Radford dragged him
through the hole in the wall.

He gulped in cool air and coughed until he
gagged. His nose ran and his eyes streamed, but he was free of the
fire that was eating his building and burning up his profits.

“Kyle!” Amelia collapsed beside him. She
reached out to touch him, but hesitated as if she might hurt him.
“Are you all right. Are you hurt?” Tears streaked down her face and
her mouth pursed. “Oh, God, please be all right.”

He lifted his head and looked at her through
streaming eyes. Soot was smeared across her face and one side of
her gown was badly singed. Behind her, both mill crews were rushing
across the yard at the depot, beating out hot sparks that settled
on his pallets of lumber, keeping his mill building safe while
trying to contain the fire to his warehouse, which would become a
total loss.

Amelia touched his chest. “Can you talk? Do
you know what happened?”

Caught in a hazy web of pain, Kyle backhanded
his eyes and dragged his sleeve beneath his nose. He tried to sit
up, but gasped in pain and fell back in the grass. Fire burned
through his shoulders and both palms as if he’d been branded. His
head ached and his legs and feet throbbed.

Amelia frantically scanned the yard, then
turned back. “We sent Richard for the doctor. They should be here
soon.”

“Who?” Kyle asked, drifting in pain, gasping
each time he drew a breath.

“Richard’s the one who told us about the
fire.”

Kyle had thought the stove started the blaze,
but maybe... No! He couldn’t even consider that Richard would have
done something so unthinkable.

Pain burned through Kyle’s body and he gasped
and gritted his teeth.

Amelia doused her palms in a bucket of water
that Boyd had set beside them when checking on Kyle before he ran
back to battle the flames. She gently pressed the cool liquid to
Kyle’s face. Her own was covered in tears. “Please be all right.
Please don’t close your eyes, Kyle.”

“How—” He coughed, gagged, and inhaled the
damp air into his raw throat. “How can you...even care?” he asked,
panting hard, feeling as he were going to throw up.

Her brow furrowed and she touched his hot,
tight face. “How can I...Oh, Kyle, how can you ask that?”

Even through his muddled senses, Kyle could
see the raw pain in her eyes, but before he could croak out an
apology, he turned his head and threw up in the damp grass. He
struggled to fill his lungs with fresh air while his two crews put
out the fire. His thoughts tangled and he couldn’t keep track of
the time or what was happening around him. Someone laid wool horse
blankets over him, someone else fed him gallons of water, then the
glowing sky slowly turned black.

Kyle woke to silence in his own bed with Evelyn frowning down at
him. He’d known Amelia would leave him. He didn’t blame her, but
God, it hurt. He coughed then grimaced at the pain in his raw
throat. It made his eyes water and his nose run and thoroughly
pissed him off. “How bad is it?”

“You lost the warehouse and your inventory.
Radford says your insurance will cover most of the loss. You’re
lucky you’re alive. How could you have sat beside that stove and
let a fire start?”

“I don’t know if it was the stove. Amelia
said Richard warned her about the fire.”

“He did. He ran for help while Boyd stayed at
the depot trying to get you out of the warehouse.”

“They came to the depot together?”

Evelyn nodded. “He saw Richard at the tavern
and he told him what had happened between you two. Richard was
apparently pretty shaken up and determined to talk to you again so
he asked Boyd to come with him and get you out of bed. The
warehouse was in flames when he and Boyd rode into the yard at the
depot. They were together at the tavern for two hours before that.”
Evelyn took the glass from Kyle’s sore hand and set it on the
stand. “They thought Marcus was in the warehouse until Richard woke
Amelia and learned you weren’t at home. I know it’s none of my
business, but why were you sleeping at the mill?”

“Because I couldn’t go home and face my
wife.” Kyle sighed, his chest feeling as it were still filled with
smoke. “You should have seen her face last night when we confronted
Richard. She was devastated. I’m not surprised she left me.”

“She didn’t leave you!” Evelyn huffed out a
breath. “She’s sleeping in the guestroom, Kyle. I sent your mother
home for a while and told Amelia I would have Radford bodily put
her to bed if she didn’t go get some rest. Your mom and Amelia had
been sitting with you for almost twenty-four hours, and neither of
them wanted to leave you. I promised I would wake Amelia as soon as
you opened your eyes.”

“Don’t.” Kyle caught Evelyn’s wrist, then
gasped at the pain in his fingers.

“You have tiny burns the size of a cigar tip
speckled across your hands and back. Before you ask, the doctor
said two weeks before you’ll be able to do any work.”

Kyle looked at his hands and felt the urge to
steeple them in prayer, to thank the Almighty for sparing him, for
sending him a woman like Amelia to fill his life, for giving him
one final chance to tell her that he loved her.

Kyle raised his gaze to Evelyn. “Why did you
choose Radford over me?” She looked surprised, but he barreled
ahead, knowing he had nothing left to lose. “I want to understand
why. Didn’t it bother Radford that you were promised to me while
you were kissing him?”

Hurt flashed across Evelyn’s face and Kyle
cursed himself for offending her. He coughed and winced from his
burning throat. “I’m sorry, Ev. I didn’t mean that the way it came
out.” He gingerly patted the bed. “Sit a minute.”

He eased over and she sat beside him. “Is
this still eating at you?” she asked, her expression full of
sympathy.

“No. I know you and Radford belong together
and I’m content with our friendship. I just want to know what I’m
lacking that Radford has.”

“You weren’t lacking anything.”

“Well, obviously I was,” he said, looking
pointedly at her wedding band.

“I married your brother because I love him.
Not because I didn’t love you. Kyle, you and I were convenient for
each other. Radford and I needed each other. That was the main
difference,” she said. “You wanted a wife. Radford needed a woman
who could help him heal. He wanted his little girl to have a mother
who could love her. You loved the girl who’d been your friend, but
Radford loved the woman you couldn’t see. I didn’t choose Radford.
My heart made that decision.”

“I need to change, Ev,” he said, not
attempting to camouflage his desperation. If he hadn’t already lost
Amelia, he was damned close to it, and it scared Kyle enough to
face the truth about himself, however painful it would be. “Amelia
deserves better than I’m giving her.”

Evelyn’s eyebrows lifted. “You have changed,
Kyle.” At his skeptical look, she smiled. “You have. I could tell
the day of the picnic. You’ve found your sense of humor again, and
I’m sure your feelings for Amelia are the cause. You just have to
stop expecting everything to be perfect.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes you do. You wanted me to be perfect for
you and the life you had planned for us, but I wasn’t. When you
realized I had flaws, you tried to ignore them. Radford saw my
faults and loved me
because
of them.”

“You aren’t flawed.”

“Yes I am!” she said with an exasperated
laugh. “And so are you. We all have flaws. That’s my point. You
only see what you want to see. It’s like looking at Lake Erie and
only seeing the pretty rippling surface. There is an entire world
down there of ugly predators, beautiful plants, life and death. If
you’re only looking at the surface of life, Kyle, that’s all you’ll
ever see.”

“Well, how do you notice all that other stuff
if you’re too busy?” he asked with mounting frustration.

“You stop what you’re doing and stick your
face in the water.”

“What?”

Evelyn smiled. “Let me try this another way.
I didn’t fall in love with Radford because he was perfect.
Radford’s character is a result of everything he’s experienced in
growing up with three brothers, surviving a horrible war, and
falling in love with his brother’s fiancée. It doesn’t mean he’s
proud of his past, but he’s the man he is today because of each one
of those experiences. So are you, Kyle. You control things now
because you had to when your father died. Your heart talks to you,
but your brain speaks the words because you want to control what
comes out. You’ve got to live inside yourself and not be afraid of
that world. Trust me, that haphazard, messy world beneath the
surface is our real life.”

“Well, I’m doing an amazing job of adding to
the mess.”

“Then stop trying to control everything and
just pay attention to what’s important.” Evelyn shrugged. “That’s
all I can tell you. I’m a pregnant woman, not a wise woman.”

Kyle touched her hand. “I think I’m finally
beginning to understand what happened with us,” he said, knowing he
needed to talk this openly with Amelia, but fearing his ability to
do so.

“Good. Then settle whatever is between you
and Amelia and find a way to be happy. You both deserve it.” She
leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Now shut up and get some
rest.”

Kyle leaned his head back on the pillow and
heard the sound of boots clumping up his hallway. Radford entered
the bedroom with Rebecca perched on his shoulders, her dirty little
hands strapped across his forehead. Wild curls shot in umpteen
directions and spiraled halfway down her back. Her small feet were
tucked in Radford’s hands to keep her from falling as she bounced
on his neck.

“Giddy up, horse!” she demanded.

Radford whinnied and galloped to Kyle’s
side.

A laugh burst from Kyle’s raw throat and he
coughed until his eyes watered, but the pain was worth watching his
brother act like an idiot. They had come such a long way from the
anger that had nearly destroyed their family less than a year ago.
He’d thought he would never be able to forgive Radford and Evelyn.
Now he knew this was how it should be.

o0o

“You look like hell,” Boyd said, entering
Kyle’s bedroom without his usual long-legged swagger, his
expression weary and filled with concern.

“So do you.” Kyle propped himself up in bed,
wincing in pain as he visually inspected his brother to make sure
he wasn’t injured in any way. Black rings of fatigue circled Boyd’s
eyes and his clothes were gray with ash dust from the fire that was
still smoldering almost thirty hours after igniting. “Did you kill
it yet?” Kyle asked, referring to the fire.

Boyd shook his head. “There’re some ties and
beams that are smoldering, but we’re still hauling water from the
gorge to make sure it stays contained. We should snuff it out by
this evening.”

“Then go home and sleep. You’re too exhausted
to do any more.”

“Duke and Radford are at the depot now.
They’ll take care of things for a few hours. When I get back, the
three of us will figure out how to clean up the mess.”

“Ask them to come here so we can all discuss
it.”

“Forget it.”

“I can’t manage the walk today.”

Boyd gawked at him. “I wasn’t suggesting you
come to the depot, you idiot!” He snorted. “Christ, Kyle, forget
about the damned mill. It’ll be there when you get your arrogant
ass out of bed.”

“Arrogant ass?”

“Yes!” Boyd yanked off his hat and threw it
on the nightstand. “Who cares about the mill! You almost died last
night, you damned ambitious idiot! Two more minutes in that
building and you would have been...Jesus!” Boyd’s nostrils flared
and he thrust his hands in front of Kyle, his fingers and palms a
mass of cuts and burns. “I was tearing that building apart with my
bare hands, Kyle, and I couldn’t get to you. Every second all I
could think about was you breathing smoke. Rafters were slamming
into the floor and I kept wondering where the hell you were. I died
every time I heard a crash. Not hearing your voice was even worse,”
he whispered. Boyd’s eyes flooded and he turned his back.

Seeing Boyd break down was Kyle’s undoing. He
squeezed his eyes closed and tried to swallow his emotion, but it
rose up hard, gripping his chest until he couldn’t breathe.

“I never realized how much you wanted to be a
lawyer, Kyle, because you gave it up so easily to take over the
mill when Dad died.” Boyd lifted his shoulder, grabbed his filthy
shirtsleeve and wiped his face, then turned to Kyle who was still
grappling with his own emotions. “Until last night, I’d never
considered how much you’ve sacrificed for us.” Moisture and soot
streaked Boyd’s face, but he seemed oblivious to the bare emotion
he was showing. “I’m sorry I’ve never thanked you for that.”

Kyle looked away from the devastation in
Boyd’s eyes. “I don’t even know if I would have liked being a
lawyer. It doesn’t matter now. I’m happy running the depot.” He
glanced at his brother. “I’m serious, Boyd. I’m content here.”