The Making of Matt (5 page)

She didn’t need to answer me, the stern look in her eyes was enough to make my butt-cheeks clench. Luckily for me, just as I was about to choke to death on my own saliva, the buzzer sounded and my mom disappeared to go greet Ashley and Fuckface. In the two minutes she was gone I managed to not only down that slice of toast, but two strips of bacon and a pancake, too.

“Hey, Adam.” Nodding curtly, I shook his proffered hand briefly, dropping it as soon as I caught sight of Ashley.

I ran over to her with my arms outstretched before jolting to a stop when I saw the giant fucking melon she was smuggling under her dress. “You’re pregnant! Why the fuck didn’t I know about this?”

The huge belly made picking her up more difficult than usual, but I soon figured out where to place my hands to get a good enough grip. I twirled her around in a circle, making her squeal.

“Stop, stop, stop!” she cried, barely decipherable through her laughter.

“You’ll make her nauseous,” Asshole Adam interrupted, tossing me a disapproving glare.

Dickwad.

“So seriously, why didn’t you tell me?” I repeated, lowering her feet back down to steady land.

“We don’t speak so much anymore. Then when we decided to move back to LA I thought I’d surprise you instead.”

“You’re right. We haven’t been all that great at keeping in touch. But that’s gonna change now you’re back.” I couldn’t resist pulling her in for another tight hug, swaying her from side to side. “Come on through. Mom’s made an epic breakfast.”

Sitting around the glass table, getting up so early was suddenly all worthwhile. My eyes kept wandering to Ashley’s bump. It was like she’d become an actual grown up – more confirmation that it was about time I became one myself. When Adam finally took a break from talking about himself –
his
business,
his
parents,
his
friends – I pushed the left over bacon toward Ashley. Grinning, she reached out to take some, only to have Adam’s hand placed over hers.

“I don’t think that’s good for the baby, sweetheart.”

“It’s bacon not heroin,” I spat, bewilderment lacing my voice. The only thing that shocked me more than the jackhole’s comment, was the fact Ashley nodded shyly in agreement and put her hand back on her lap.
What the fuck?

“Too much salt,” he added. Christ I despised him. Ashley was a completely different person in his company and I didn’t like it.

“Sawyer and Jake are having a party Saturday night,” I said, changing the subject to something that didn’t revolve around Adam. “You should come.”

“We have church Sunday morning.”

So what, he answers for you now, too?

“You don’t need to stay late. I can take you home after Jake’s proposed.”

As soon as the word ‘proposed’ rolled from my lips, Adam choked so harshly on his orange juice Ashley had to pat his back until he regained his breath.

“Jake’s proposing?” my mom asked, clutching her hands together to contain her excitement. “Oh, Ashley, you should go! They’re such a lovely couple.”

“Um, I don’t think it’s really our scene,” Adam intruded yet-a-fucking-gain.

“A small gathering celebrating two people getting engaged isn’t your scene?” I questioned. My mom kicked me under the table. Yes, I was trying to provoke the bastard, but surely I couldn’t be the only one choking on the stench of his bullshit. “Because they’re gay?”

“Respectfully, they’re just not our kind of people.”

“Respectfully, you’re a dick.”

“Matthew!” my mom chided, but I was in no mood to pipe down. I shoved my chair back, forcefully enough to make the legs screech against the floor. Standing up, I tossed my napkin onto the table and kissed my mom, then Ashley, before making my excuses and getting the fuck outta that room.

I decided to take out my frustration in the pool. I swam forty lengths before climbing out, shaking myself off and then reclining back on one of the padded loungers. I figured my mom would let me know when they’d left so planned to stay outside until then. I would call Ashley later to apologize and hopefully arrange to meet up without Asshole Adam by her side.

Thankfully, I had an outdoor bar, so I could grab an OJ without needing to go back inside. After grabbing a bottle, I popped the cap and sat back down, picking up my cell from the table.

Me: I am THIS close to fucking killing someone right now

Alex: Y R U up so early? Did u shit the bed?

Me: Fucker

Alex: So who’s pissed in your oatmeal this morning?

Me: The cunt Ashley’s married to. Even his name makes my fists clench. They showed up for breakfast. Still here. I walked out after calling him a dick

Alex: U should apologize. For Ashley’s sake

Me: I will. 2 HER. When he’s not around. U arrange for Gary 2 come over? Saw’s sorted the lawyer. He’ll be here at 1PM

Alex: Gary said he’s free all day. I’ll let him know & get back 2 u

Me: Thanks dude. Laters

After being outside for almost two hours I became so bored I started counting the tiles skirting the pool.
Fuck this shit,
I thought resolutely before stomping back into the house. I couldn’t hear any voices as I made my way through to the kitchen and was surprised to find my mom alone, clearing away the last of the breakfast dishes.

“Why didn’t you tell me they left?”

“Because I’m annoyed with you.”

“Annoyed with
me?
He started it!”

“You shouldn’t have risen to it. I know you two clash on a lot of things. He has different opinions and-”

“
Wrong
opinions.”

“Don’t interrupt me, Matthew. Quite frankly I don’t care whether you and Adam get along; I’m not all that fond of him myself. I do, however, care for
Ashley
. I care about the fact she left here with tears in her eyes because
you
had your head too far up your own backside to bother to say goodbye. You need to apologize.”

Okay, I get it! I’m a jackass. Jesus!
“Sorry, Mom.”

“It’s not
me
you should be saying it to.”

“I know, I know. I’ll call her this afternoon.”

“You’ll call her this morning.”

“Fine.” I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “I’ll do it after I’ve changed.”

“Good. Now grab a towel and dry these dishes.”

“Yes, Mom.” I dropped my head like a teenager who’d been caught sneaking out. It didn’t matter that I was almost thirty, if my mom gave me
that
stare I shut my mouth and did whatever the fuck she said.

He’s still a cuntmuffin.

**********

Friday seemed to take an age to arrive. It was the day Kaleidoscope was officially being signed over to me, and once I’d apologized to Ashley - and reluctantly to Adam - the other day, my enthusiasm kicked in tenfold. I’d assumed it would take a few months, but it seemed money really did have the power to speed up most things. Gary had agreed to stay on for an extra couple of weeks as a sort of adviser. Alex knew the place inside and out and was shit-hot at tending bar, but he felt he needed some management coaching before the reigns were passed to him full time. This also meant he could cover while Alex and I went to Jake’s party tomorrow. I couldn’t wait to see Sawyer’s reaction and I wouldn’t miss that night for the damn world.

I kept thinking I should be more nervous, and maybe I would’ve been if I didn’t have Alex. I was pretty confident I could serve bottles of beer but anything more adventurous and I’d have been screwed. According to Alex, Kaleidoscope sold more cocktails and punches than any other drinks and so as soon as we’d met with Gary and my lawyer earlier in the week, I started memorizing the names. Mixing them would be a whole different ballgame, of course. My entire life had been centered around music, lyrics and drums, however, and I was actually quite eager to learn something new.

Alex and I had been tight since his diva funk over the car; the car he was now quite happily driving around in. Even better than that though, my unfathomable and absolutely ridiculous mini-fascination with his eyes appeared to have fucked the hell off. Most likely due to my brain being pre-occupied with my new adventure. Every day new ideas would pop into my head. Live band nights, specials, themed parties, costumes… I was determined to make Kaleidoscope the biggest and brightest club in the whole of LA.

For the first time in my life I felt responsible, and I wanted to look the part, so I’d arranged for Elle to come by my place in the morning. I’d not cut my hair since the night I was forced to shave my head to the bone after losing a bet and although it suited the drummer inside me, I wanted something more sophisticated now. Something smart. Professional.

Ryder thought it was time to ditch the ripped jeans and vests too, so on his insistence I made appointments with a few stores next week. Ryder, Mason and I would have the places to ourselves while they, in Ryder’s words, channeled my inner Jake. I had no doubt I could pull off a suit. Gotta be honest, I’d look good dipped in shit and wrapped in aluminum foil.

I was vibrating like a kid on Christmas by the time Jake arrived to accompany me to the lawyer’s office. I chose Jake because out of all my friends, he was the most serious, and there’s nothing more serious than exchanging a huge amount of money. He also had a kind of fatherly authority that you didn’t dare fuck with. I knew he’d stop me making any dick moves, and that I’d listen to him.

He was due any moment so I gathered all the things Jake told me I might need - documents, account details, check book etc. – and headed outside to wait for him. I hadn’t felt this kind of excitement since the release of Souls of the Knight’s first album, and I was determined this would be just as big of a success.

~Alex~

“
Blue
or black?” I held a shirt in each hand, weighing them up and down in front of Ryder and Mason. They arrived at my apartment about an hour ago so we could head to Sawyer and Jake’s together. Matt was supposed to be here by now too, but as usual he was late.

“Neither,” Ryder answered. “I prefer that purple one.” He pointed toward my open closet. Following his gaze, I pulled out the one he suggested. “Yeah, definitely that one. Do you agree, Mase?”

“Huh?” Mason wasn’t paying attention, too busy fiddling with his camera. He did most of the photography for Back Door Studios these days, as well as being the assumed photo guy for all his friends’ events. “Oh, yeah. Looks good,” he said, lifting his head up to see but failing to sound genuinely interested.

“Purple it is,” I agreed. I was just about to pull it over my head when Ryder almost wrestled me to the ground.

“Mate, open some damn buttons! You’ll mess up my work!” He styled my hair just after they arrived, telling me I should stop caking it in product and embrace my natural curl. It’d been years since I left the house without using the straightening irons. It was my way of leaving behind the nickname Jackson, bestowed upon me in middle school for having hair so bouffant it would make every one of the Jackson brothers jealous. I was up for a change so let him have free reign. He’d never been able to leave the career completely behind, whether it was doing the guys’ hair before they went on set or simply making sure his friends looked, as he often said, ‘awesomesauce’ before a night out.

Purely to placate him, I unbuttoned the shirt and shrugged into it without touching a single hair on my head. That didn’t stop Ryder fussing of course, combing and teasing the strands with his fingers. Once he’d finished doing his thing, I tried to call Matt for the billionth time. Again, it went straight to voicemail.

“It’s me again,” I said after the beep. “Where the hell are you? You’re gonna be late!”

“You know Matt,” Ryder spoke around a mouthful of apple. “He’s probably fallen asleep and forgot to charge his phone.”

“We should stop by on the way to Saw and Jake’s. He’ll be gutted if he misses the party because his alarm failed or something.”

“Sure,” Ryder agreed, checking his watch. “We should get going soon.”

Mason packed up his camera while I grabbed the bottle of champagne I bought for Sawyer and Jake from the kitchen. Okay, so by
bought
I mean took from work, but hey, I was the manager now so I figured it was acceptable. After arriving at Matt’s condo I swept every single room, calling out his name as I went. When I didn’t find him the frustration bubbling in my stomach turned to worry. I called Gary at the club to see if he was there, knowing how eager he was to start learning the ropes after signing the papers yesterday, but Gary hadn’t seen him since. Matt was a predictable guy so it never took too long to find him when you needed him. So where the hell was he?

Ryder convinced me he would be fine, that he was probably out buying a last minute gift or even having a pre-party drink and blowjob with a woman he’d picked up somewhere. Knowing he was likely right, I drove straight on to Sawyer’s condo in the hills.

I didn’t think Sawyer would be there yet, given the point of the party was a surprise marriage proposal, but was proved wrong when he greeted us at the door. Immediately I saw Jake hovering behind him with one finger pressed over his lips, so figured we hadn’t missed him pop the question yet. Hopefully he would wait until Matt arrived.

“Where’s Matt?” Sawyer asked, stepping aside to let us walk past and into the house.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I said, shrugging. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

My only real experience of house parties had been Matt’s, so naturally I expected the place to be packed with unfamiliar people when I walked inside. It seemed, though, Sawyer and Jake preferred a more intimate setting, and it was kind of a relief to find mostly people I knew. Elle and Kip, Elle’s sister Kylie and a few others I recognized from the wedding, a bunch of guys from Sawyer and Jake’s porn studio who I’d met several times, and just a handful of strangers dotted around.

Most people were gathered outside where Ivan, the Back Door Studios founder, was showing off his barbecue skills. I spent the first hour or so mingling, exchanging general chitchat with people I hadn’t seen for a while and sipping on a glass of wine Jake had someone handing out.

I was sitting with Elle by the hexagonal pool bar when Jake approached us. “Anyone heard from him yet?” He didn’t need to say his name for us to know he was talking about Matt.

Elle shook her head. “Not since this morning. While I was cutting his hair he said he was going to Kaleidoscope to put some of his stuff in the office, but I don’t know his plans after that.”

“He never made it to the club,” I interjected. “I spoke to Gary earlier.”

“It’s getting late,” Jake said, sighing as he looked down at his watch. “Maybe I should do this another night.”

“Don’t you dare!” Elle chided, slapping Jake’s arm. “Right now Matt’s probably wasted and balls deep in some blond. It’s his own fault if he misses it. Besides, I spent too many years watching my best friend be miserable without you. He deserves tonight. Don’t you dare make me, I mean
him
, wait!”

I forced a small laugh but I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it. I knew about Matt’s reputation, but he wasn’t that person anymore. I couldn’t pinpoint the moment he calmed down, or even why, but the last few weeks he would definitely rather settle down on the couch watching old movies than be out drinking till the small hours. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to but, regardless, I
knew
he wouldn’t miss tonight for something as frivolous as a quick fuck. Sawyer was one of his best friends, his brother, and he loved and respected him way too much to let him down without a second thought.

“You’re probably right,” Jake agreed. “I’m so bloody nervous.”

“Good,” Elle said, grinning. “That proves how much you want him to say yes.” Elle and Sawyer had been best friends forever and every so often you’d see the feisty mama-bear come out in her when it came to protecting him. It was kind of adorable.

“He
has
to say yes. I’m not letting him go again. Ever.”

“Then gather everyone round and let’s do this shit!” Elle squealed like a kitten being strangled and clapped her hands together. If she bounced any harder in her seat I was sure she would take off into the air.

Jake disappeared into the house and soon returned with a small following, including Sawyer who wore a confused expression. Jake took Sawyer’s hand and led him to the decked area beneath the palm trees that overlooked the hills before standing in front of him and taking the other hand, clutching them both to his chest.

He coughed nervously, never taking his eyes off Sawyer. “Sawyer Antony Knight, I’ve been lying to you. Tonight isn’t just a get together to catch up with old friends. I planned tonight for this moment; the moment I stand in front of our friends and tell you how much I love you.”

“Jake…” Sawyer whispered, a tremor coating his voice, but Jake shushed him by placing a finger over his lips.

“We lost so many years, and in those years I never once stopped thinking about you, stopped wanting you,
needing
you. The first time I saw you again in that hotel room in London I
knew
I could never let you go again. I had to have you, Sawyer, and when I got you…” Jake sighed, the words getting lost in his throat. “Well damn you made me the happiest man in the world. Every day when I wake up to see you sleeping next to me, when you smile, when you puff out your cheeks while you’re concentrating… I feel that same happiness. I always will. So-”

Even from a few feet away I could see the glisten in Sawyer’s eyes as Jake dropped to one knee in front of him, flipping open the little silver box he pulled from his jacket pocket. “Will you promise to wake up next to me every day for the rest of your life? To keep me feeling like the luckiest man ever to be born, by being at my side, always? Sawyer Knight, will you marry me?”

“You know I will,” Sawyer murmured, his hand trembling as he held it out to Jake. Jake slipped the platinum band over Sawyer’s finger quickly before jumping lithely to his feet and enfolding Sawyer in his arms. A furor of clapping and cheers erupted around the pool, with Elle taking it one step further and racing over to the engaged couple and throwing her arms around both of them.

The whole scene was beautiful, but although I was insanely happy for the guys, I couldn’t stop my mind wandering to Matt. He should’ve been here.
Where the hell are you?

The party started to die down around midnight, with people gradually leaving until there was only Ryder, Mason and I left.

“Any luck?” Sawyer asked after I tried calling Matt. Again.

I shook my head. “I’m going to stop by his place again on the way home.” I only drank one glass of wine the whole night and I wondered if, subconsciously, I was staying purposely sober in case Matt needed rescuing from somewhere.

“No need,” Mason said, nodding toward the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the large, graveled court outside. “He’s here.”

When I jumped from my chair to see, it was immediately obvious that he’d been drinking which ignited a fire of anger in the pit of my stomach. He stumbled across the court, tripping over his own feet and sending one of the tall, stone flowerpots crashing to the ground. It was only when he barreled through the entryway into the open living space, his unsteady feet causing him to collide with the doorjamb, the anger morphed into worry.

His swollen eyes made contact with mine as his uncoordinated hands tried to wipe the tears from his beaming cheeks.

“Matt?” I probed gently, tentatively stepping closer to him.

“It-it’s my mom,” he said, the words cracking as they left his lips. “She’s dead.”

I knew there was nothing I could say that could possibly console him, but if holding him absorbed even a tiny fraction of the pain he was feeling it would be worth it. So that’s what I did. Speechless, I wrapped both arms around his body, my hand cradling the back of his neck as I pressed his head to my shoulder.

“What happened?” I asked, breaking away and leading him to the plush couch. I looked up at Sawyer whose face, like everyone else’s, was pale with shock. I mouthed ‘water’ to him as I placed my hand on Matt’s shoulder and encouraged him to sit down.

“Sh-she’s dead,” Matt stuttered again, incoherent from a mixture of grief and alcohol. “She’s fucking dead.”

Sawyer returned with a glass of water, handing it me because Matt seemed completely oblivious to anyone’s presence. He took up the spot on the couch on the other side of Matt, whereas Ryder, Mason and Jake hadn’t moved at all. I took Matt’s hand, wrapping his fingers around the glass and then lifting it to his mouth.

He took a small sip and went to lower the glass, but I pushed it back to his lips. “You need to drink it,” I said firmly. Absentmindedly, he did as he was told. While he drank the water, Jake made a pot of coffee and Ryder and Mason decided to leave and give Matt some space.

The silence was deafening. Every time I tried to speak the words became lodged in my throat. Not once did I break contact with his body, my hand refusing to leave his knee. It felt like if I did, he would crumble into a thousand pieces. I needed to know what’d happened, but until he was sober, I doubted even
he
would be able to process it.

I could physically see the moment the alcohol began evaporating from his system. His hands stopped shaking and his ragged breaths turned into deep sighs.

“Are you ready to tell us what happened?” Sawyer asked, placing a reassuring hand on Matt’s shoulder.

“They, um, they said she had a heart attack.” The words splintered as they left his quivering lips. “I got a call from the hospital this afternoon. Said they were treating her. But by the time I got there she…she…”

My chest ached as my heart broke for him, and for his mom. I squeezed his knee a little tighter.

“And I don’t care what people say about them looking peaceful, or like they’re asleep. She looked
dead
. Gray. Waxy. Fucking
dead
.”

“Why didn’t you call me? Call
any
of us?”

“Because that would mean it’s true.”

“Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry.”

“What am I supposed to do now? Who do I call? How the fuck do you arrange a funeral?”

“Tonight, you do nothing,” I said, speaking from experience. “Tonight you rest. Absorb it. Try and get some sleep.”

“And tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow I’ll help you sort out the necessary arrangements. We all will.”

“I can’t believe she’s gone.
Gone
. Forever. I need a drink.”

“Um,
no
. I think you’ve had enough. Tomorrow is going to be tough. You don’t need a hangover adding to that.”

“Alex is right,” Sawyer agreed. “Look, mate, why don’t you stay here tonight? Jake and I can call the funeral director in the morning. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”