The Marriage Pact (1) (31 page)

Jake
asked her about work, and she told him the basics about the project she was working
on and her upcoming deadline. It felt good to talk with him about it. Things
had always seemed more manageable when she talked to Jake about them—he had an
unfailing confidence in himself, his friends, and the world. Even when he
simply nodded or said, “uh-huh,” as she told him about it, she felt reassured
and less nervous about the evaluation that was just around the corner.

When
the drinks came, they sipped quietly.
Jesus, their go-to topics had not even
gotten them through the arrival of dinner. What now?
She fidgeted with her
wineglass and tried to think what to say next.

Finally,
Jake spoke. “I wanted to say thank you for everything you did for my family,
for me, in the past few weeks. It’s been a rough time, as you know, and I don’t
know how we would’ve made it through without you.”

She
smiled and looked down. “Of course. It’s nothing you wouldn’t have done for
me.”

“I
know that,” he said, and took her hand. “But that doesn’t make it mean any
less. No matter what happens between us. Well, just know that I will never
forget it.”

She
wanted to ask, was terrified to ask, and finally decided that she
had
to
ask. “No matter what happens?”

Now
it was his turn to stare at his glass as though at any moment it would reveal
the secrets of the universe. He was still holding her hand, but loosely, lying
on the booth seat between them. Even this casual touch electrified her.

“I
know we need to talk about us,” he said. “Frankly, I’ve been putting off,
because I didn’t know what to say. I’m terrified of losing your friendship, and
all this stuff with Dad happened and...”

She
felt a sudden surge of panic, feeling something familiar about this speech.
I’m
terrified of losing your friendship
. Vague memories of break-ups and
brush-offs past were stirring up in her as he talked, and she felt a compulsion
to run out of the room.
Rewind, rewind, rewind,
she thought stupidly,
go back to the part where I had no idea what he was going to say.

“Jake,
we don’t have to talk about this now,” she said, trying to stop the flow. Any
minute he was going to tell her that it had all been a mistake, he’d seen her
true colors, and he could never imagine himself with someone like her. If she
could just stop him from saying it, it wouldn’t have to be true. “Maybe you
need more time to think things through. You really need to focus on your dad
right now.”

“No,
no,” he said. “I can’t keep putting it off. You deserve to know something.
You’ve been really patient.”

This
can’t be good.

“The
main reason I haven’t been able to talk to you about us is,” he sighed deeply
and continued, “I honestly don’t know how I feel right now.”

“That’s
okay,” she stammered. “So much has happened –”

“I
know I love you,” he said, quieting her. He looked directly into her eyes. “I
really do. You’re my best friend, and if this experience with Dad has taught me
anything, it’s what a true friend you are. I’m lucky to have you in my life.
Dad even pointed that out to me a couple of days ago.”

So
that was why he’d called out of the blue. Marci thought of Robert and smiled.

She
could feel the terrible next word hanging in the air over the table. She said
it for him, in the hopes that it might hurt less coming from her own lips. “
But
?”

He
nodded. “But I’m so confused right now. I mean, a few weeks ago I thought we
were going to be together forever. I had not one single doubt about us, even
though I could tell you weren’t sure all the time. I just figured I’d been
waiting for us to happen for eight years now. I could wait for you to catch up.
Stupid, right?”

She
shook her head but he went on. “Of course, during those eight years I knew you
were seeing people, just like I was. It’s just, whenever I was with some other
girl, even for a few months, I guess in my mind I was always comparing her to
you. Maybe that’s why I could never give my whole heart, even though I didn’t
understand it at the time. That’s why I never really gave anyone a chance, even
though I kind of thought I did. Is this making sense?”

She
nodded, numb.

“I
knew you were dating while you lived in Texas and California and all those
places. I remember hearing about some of the guys, and I’d get jealous but I’d
tell myself that they couldn’t be that serious. Anyway, we were just friends.
When I went to get you in Austin, I knew it was about more than just losing a
job. I knew there had to be something more, but I just told myself if it was a
big deal, you’d tell me about it. I didn’t want to think about it, honestly.
See? I’ve hidden from myself as much as you hid from me. So when that guy
showed up on my doorstep, and I saw the way you looked at each other…”

“Jake—”

“No,
please don’t. I know you never wanted to hurt me, but I saw what I saw. There
was so much between you; it was all over your faces. So much passion, and your
anger. I’ve never seen you that angry and I knew there was so much more to that
story. I knew then that I was just the rebound guy.”

“You’re
not.” Marci choked.
Again, the tears
. She wished she could control her crying,
to keep from seeming weak and helpless at the moments she needed most to be
strong and convincing.

“And
when I figured out he was married,” Jake started, and then the waiter arrived
with the food.

Marci
pretended to look for her dropped napkin on the floor to hide her face. Her
worst fears were confirmed. Jake was not just hurt by her feelings for Doug and
the fact that she’d hidden the relationship. He was disappointed in her for
doing the wrong thing. That hurt more than anything. She’d known her
relationship with Doug was wrong all along, but it had never occurred to her
that it would cost her the one person she loved and admired most.

She
composed herself and tried to focus on appraising her veggie lasagna. When the
waiter left, she said quickly, “Please, don’t say anything else. I can’t do
this right now.”

He
looked mildly surprised, but nodded gravely. They ate in silence and skipped
dessert.

In
the car on the way back to her apartment, she broke down. “Jake, I know I can’t
explain it away, what I did. I understand if you don’t see a future for us.
That’s hard for me to hear, but I don’t blame you. Not at all.” Her voice
quavered, but she plowed on, knowing she needed to finish this or she might
never have another chance. “But please don’t, don’t be ashamed of me. I’m
ashamed of myself enough already and I just couldn’t stand it if you felt that
way, too. It’s hard to explain and I know there’s no excuse.”

“Ashamed
of you?”

“I
did know he was married when we got involved, and I hated it every minute, but
I don’t know. I was so weak, and he was so unhappy in his marriage. He did
leave his wife, in the end, or at least he said he did, not that I care now.”

“Why
would you think I was ashamed of you?”

“You
said—”

“Marci,”
he said, pulling the car over. “I know you, and you’re not the kind of person
who sleeps with a married man. When I found out, I knew how deeply involved you
must’ve been and why you kept it a secret. It made me so jealous. It still
does, right now, just knowing how intense it was.” He reached over and brushed
a frizzy curl out of her face. “God, sweetheart. I’m the last person who would
judge you.”

Relief
washed over her and she fell into him. The rain pounded against the windows and
the dark deepened outside. When she pulled away from him, he looked sad. “I
better get you home,” he said, with a glance at the night outside.

He
kissed her on the cheek in front of the apartment and she ran upstairs without
looking back into the downpour. Suzanne was hovering just beyond the living
room, waiting to see whether Marci was alone before emerging. They collapsed on
the couch and Marci sobbed out the details of the whole evening.

“So
I guess it really is over,” she summarized when she had hit the highlights.

“Did
he ask you for the ring back?”

“No,
but he wouldn’t. He’s not like that. I’ll get it to him, I guess.”

“You’re
right, he’s not like that, but that is a family heirloom. Maybe he hasn’t made
up his mind yet.”

“I
don’t know; he sounded pretty sure.”

“In
any case, I have a bottle of Shiraz already open and Ben & Jerry’s that’s
been melting the perfect amount of time. I’ll be right back.”

“You’re
the best,” Marci said, squeezing Suzanne’s hand gratefully.

Outside,
there was a loud screech of tires and the distinctive crunch of metal. It
sounded as though it came from the entrance to the complex. They glanced at
each other and Suzanne went to the window to investigate.

“Please
tell me it’s not Jake,” Marci said. Then, as an afterthought, “And that
everyone is okay.”

“Well,
it’s not Jake,” Suzanne said. “Because he’s still right in front of our
apartment, pacing back and forth in the rain like an idiot.”

“What?”
Marci was halfway across the room before her feet hit the floor.

“And
I think I can see the accident, too. It’s hard to tell but I think everyone is
okay. I mean, since you’re so concerned and all,” she added as Marci shoved her
out of the way.

“What
is he doing down there?”

“Getting
soaked. And wearing a groove in our front sidewalk.”

“Should
I go down?”

Suzanne
appraised Marci critically and smiled. “Is there anything I could say to stop
you?”

Marci
raced down the stairs, oblivious of the danger of slipping on the concrete
steps. She emerged into the rain, which fell in sheets under the yellow halos
of the street lamps. She had not thought to bring her coat or an umbrella. By
the time she thought of going back upstairs for one or the other, Jake had
spotted her.

“Hey,”
he said, reddening.

“Hey,”
she called. “You’re soaked.”

He
walked toward her. “So are you, now.” He glanced reflexively at her chest where
the rain had saturated her white blouse, revealing a clear view of her bra and
cleavage. She made a feeble attempt to cover herself and then gave up.

“What
are you doing out here?” she asked.

“I
wish I knew. I couldn’t make myself leave, Marci. But I couldn’t come upstairs
either. I have all these feelings and I don’t trust any of them.”

“Oh.” 
What else could she say?

“Tell
me one thing,” he said, pulling her under the half-shelter beneath the eaves,
two stories up. “Do you, I mean, could you ever, could you love me the way you
loved him?”

“What?”

“I
mean, with that kind of fury?” He bent his head, as though it embarrassed him
deeply to say this aloud. “The look I saw on your face when he came to the door.
I’ve loved you for years, Marci. I’d give anything to make you look at me that
way. I just need to know it’s possible.”

“Oh,
Jake.” She looked up at him. Her heart was a puddle between their feet. “It’s
more than possible. I love you that way already.”

He
looked up at her, and rain dripped from his messy hair over his eyelids and
down his face. His face was searching hers, longing for confirmation that what
she was saying might be true. He was irresistible in this state. Marci put both
hands on his face and pulled him toward her.

They
had kissed many times before this. The drunken kiss all those years ago in a
college bar. Quick, affectionate pecks on the cheeks or lips when one or both
of them had been dating someone else. The mysterious New Year’s Eve, and the
exploratory kiss at Nicole’s bachelorette party. Most recently, the careful,
gentle kisses they had shared in recent months as an engaged couple. There had
been a kind of domestic sweetness about the way he kissed her as her fiancé.

But
tonight, in the rain outside Suzanne’s apartment, something ignited between
them that Marci had never experienced before. Of course things had been
passionate with Doug; their limited time together and the constant fear of
being caught heightened every sensation when they were together. But this was
different.

Jake’s
mouth responded to her own with a warmth and forcefulness she had never
experienced from him. It was like water had slowly been brought to a boil
around her while she wasn’t paying attention. All at once there was freedom and
terror, desire and tranquility, hope and relief. Everything she wanted was
here, and nothing could threaten it. Except maybe catching pneumonia.

He
pressed her against the wall and they kissed to block out the world and the
rainy night around them. They shivered and laughed like teenagers. By the time
they dredged upstairs, dripping from every stitch of clothing and inch of skin,
Suzanne had gone to bed. She’d left half the bottle of Shiraz on the counter
with two glasses and a candle burning for them. Jake poured the wine while
Marci pulled every clean towel in the apartment out of the linen closet.