The Meltdown of a Banker's Wife (15 page)

‘Crows and seagulls? Nothing unusual or fancy? No parrots or vultures?' quizzed Mel.

‘Oh yes. Lots of parrots building tree-top nests. And the vultures were terrible for taking the tops off milk bottles, you know!'

Now Mel didn't know a lot about birds. She would be the first to admit to her very limited knowledge, but she was pretty sure that they didn't have doorstep milk delivery in Algeria. And if they did, she wasn't quite convinced that a dirty great vulture would be able to balance daintily on the top of a milk bottle like a blue tit and delicately peck away the top with its monstrous flesh-tearing beak. However, she tried her level best not to look as if she doubted the trustworthiness of the words her father spoke, which was more than Zeus and Briony could manage. Mel's mum also
seemed blissfully unaware that he appeared to be trying to pull the wool over their eyes. Mel wondered what her father had really been doing but didn't think it wise to probe further. What if he was having some sort of affair? Why else would he be telling such preposterous lies? Mel noticed that his skin was very brown, so there appeared no doubt that he had spent some time somewhere rather hot and sunny, but the reasons for it didn't add up. Mel's dad had always been a bit of a mystery. He'd always told the family that he worked for Her Majesty's Government, but he had never been explicit. Even when he had been put right on the spot to explain his work, as he had had to for Mel's presentation at primary school, ‘What My Parents Do', the job description varied rather a lot when compared to the one given to the mortgage people, even though he never applied for a new job or went for an interview as far as any of the family knew. Whilst Mel was pondering this, Briony's children seemed to have disappeared into thin air. Mum had brought in some hot chocolate and toasted crumpets and Dad appeared relieved that the subject had been changed.

‘So ….how is the banking life?' he asked. ‘Alan doing OK, is he?'

‘Oh yes. He has regained his interest in it recently. His boss came over from the States and injected new life into the place,' affirmed Mel, attempting to put a positive lilt into her voice.

‘Hah!!' exhorted Zeus.

‘Pardon?' Mel was hoping that the explanation for this rude interruption might be simple. Maybe he was sneezing or was suffering from Tourette's. Anything but what she knew to be the truth … that he was fully intending to be insulting, snide and full of derision. This family reunion was turning into a nightmare.

Now she remembered why she had put so much distance both geographically and emotionally between her own nuclear
family and the rest of her clan. Zeus had definitely not sneezed. He had meant ‘Hah!' to be taken just the way it sounded and Briony was triumphantly and snidely giggling whilst looking down at the table top.

Mel felt herself blush. She knew she was going to have to ask them what their problem was, but was aware that she would be accused of starting trouble as soon as she did so. Just then, her mobile rang. Alan was on the other end. He obviously hadn't found the note she had left him to back up what she had told him several times during the weekend, explaining that she was going with the children to stay with her parents.

‘You've gone to stay with your parents?! How's it going? Is your sister there?' he asked warily. Alan and Briony had never got on.

‘Yes,' replied Mel concisely, so that no one could work out what she was talking about.

‘Kids OK? How're Briony's charming offspring?' asked Alan sarcastically.

‘Oh, you know … the usual.' Briony and Zeus were watching Mel on the phone with interest.

‘Say hello to Alan for us, won't you?' smiled Briony.

‘Yes!' agreed Zeus. ‘Ask him how the Middle East flower and botanicals markets are going.'

‘It's all right, Mel. I heard them. There's nothing to say. Just say “hello” for me. When are you coming home?'

‘Oh … soon. Sooner than soon maybe!' replied Mel, for she was beginning to doubt that she had the strength to make it through the entire week without killing her sister and her know-all partner. Absence certainly made the heart grow fonder … She felt like falling into Alan's arms and that he was her only friend in the whole world at this precise moment. At least there was something positive emerging from this misery!

‘So how is the pregnancy going?' enquired Mel, in an attempt
to change the subject. Briony could hardly be unpleasant in her reply to such a question and replied that it was going well.

‘I plan to have my next baby in the forest by moonlight. I've already given my midwife my complete birth plan. I shall have absolutely no pain relief and I have located a fabulously powerful ley line in our local woods,' enthused Briony. Briony lived in a teepee in a field at the edge of a town. Mel could not recall any forest in her vicinity.

Briony continued, ‘It's not exactly a forest … It's a small wooded area but it's very discreet. The nearest house is about sixty metres away so I'm sure it'll be all right. My baby has to be born on this ley line … It is her destiny. Actually we're going to call her Destiny.' Briony was quite animated and amiable now. It really was quite a pleasant relief to be in a conversation with no double meanings. For that reason, Mel told her sister how very lovely and appropriate the name of Destiny was. At last she received a smile from both Briony and Zeus. She wasn't sure how well the primeval screams of a labouring woman would be received by the inhabitants of the neighbouring houses, which seemed at sixty metres' distance to be rather too close for comfort, but who was she to put a dampener on her sister's unusual sojourn into the land of the silly?

‘Are you sure you won't need any pain relief?' asked Mel. ‘I thought I'd get away with it when I had my first, but I was a total wimp I'm afraid. My birth plan had said “Absolutely no pain relief – even if I beg!” but when it came to it, I almost had to flatten Alan when he tried to stop me having an epidural. It was only because the midwife was so experienced and knew me personally that they ignored my birth plan in the end. I just thank God they did, that's all. I didn't make the same mistake twice, I can tell you!' chirped Mel. As soon as she had finished, she knew that she'd said the wrong thing. Briony and Zeus were staring at her and if she had committed
the ultimate sacrilege. So she attempted to joke herself out of the situation. ‘Honestly, it was like giving birth to a bowling ball … one of the heavier ones. I couldn't walk for days afterwards!'

She wasn't doing herself any favours by carrying on in this vein. She began to wish the ground would open up and swallow her. Zeus placed a hand on Briony's hand and with a self-satisfied smirk, said, ‘My Briony is an earth mother. She is … like … the perfect woman. Seth, our tribe shaman, believes that she is the reincarnation of the Pagan Goddess of Fertility.'

‘Oh, that's nice, dear,' said Mel's mum.

Mel thought it best to say no more on the subject, so she just smiled benignly and nodded in agreement, a bit like one of those nodding dogs in the rear window of a car.

‘Who wants a nice cup of tea?' asked her father wisely.

Next morning, Amy was finding butterflies in the garden. She wasn't touching them or hurting them and it seemed to Mel to be an almost girly, peaceful and harmless thing to do. Mel sat in the garden watching her children running around enjoying themselves. It was all very idyllic and lovely until Gabriel and Jupiter emerged from the teepee and joined their cousins.

‘You are caging that poor creature's spirit!' shouted Gabriel. ‘He is a reincarnation and he will curse you for this!'

Michael and Amy began to cry. ‘Is it true, Mummy!? Am I going to be cursed by the gods and nymphs and things because of all the insects I've played with?'

Gabriel and Jupiter just stood there nodding vigorously. ‘You will be reincarnated as a nasty slug because of what you've done to these poor creatures! You will be a very horrible, slimy slug and people will try to kill you with poison every day and they will try to squash you and dry you out
with salt! And even though you'll be squashed and poorly, you'll still be alive and never be allowed to die!' threatened Gabriel gleefully.

Amy wailed all the more while Mel tried to get through to her with some reason and sense.

‘Amy, that really won't happen! Look at Mummy, darling! They're just trying to frighten you. It's all fairy stories. You know very well that there is no such thing as reincarnation.' She wrapped her arms around Amy and Michael, trying to calm them from their near-hysterical state. When Amy, in particular, got to this point, it was extremely difficult to get through to her. She sobbed uncontrollably and her face was covered in snot and tears. She was hot and sweaty and red. Mel rocked her on her lap. Michael was calmer and tried to help by stroking his sister's hair, while the cousins from hell just stood there looking very pleased with themselves.

‘Mum!' shouted Gabriel. ‘Aunty Mel says that there's no such thing as reincarnation, Mum!'

‘That's just typical of you isn't it, Mel?' cried Briony. ‘You are always right aren't you? No one else is allowed to have beliefs. Your only god is money, isn't it? I know all about what your Alan's been up to with that bank of his!'

‘What do you mean, Briony? He's just doing his job!' Mel tried to remain calm.

‘Do you know what his bank has been doing? Do you know what they're investing in? Have you ever thought how they manage to make such an obscene amount of money? What was Alan's bonus this year?' demanded Briony.

‘Oh, quite a lot, I suppose. Not as much as a lot of them, but we managed to pay for our new kitchen immediately with cash. But we all know what banks do. They lend money, then they make more money as it's paid back because of the interest they charge. And they invest in all sorts of other things that will make a profit in the future, they hope. To make a good profit you have to take risks. That's why they
get paid a lot. If they're paid silly money and can buy anything their heart desires they are more likely to have the same easy-come, easy-go attitude with other people's property. That's why this country is one of the richest in the world. That's why you can have the benefits you live on, for instance, Briony.' Mel couldn't help herself … the words were out of her mouth and hanging devastatingly in the air before she could stop them. She had long felt misjudged and taken for granted by the likes of Briony and Zeus. She was fed up with people like them taking the moral high ground, when it was her family's taxes and Alan's work stress that paid for them to swan around being free spirits, indulging in fantasies about ley lines and reincarnation. In her righteous anger, she hadn't noticed the expression on Briony's face as she was joined by Zeus and their parents.

‘Why must you always pick on me!?' wailed Briony. ‘You've always thought you were better than me! No wonder I never tried to compete with you at school. All the teachers used to say, ‘Oh, your sister Melanie did this … Oh, your sister Melanie did that … Oh, your sister Melanie had the sun shining out of her bottom! And now, just because I'm more spiritual than you and living a more pure and simple life in tune with nature and the universe, you've got to try and spoil it! You're just jealous because I don't have anything to be ashamed of … Unlike you, from what I've heard!'

Mel was not going to cry. No way was she going to cry. She might puke, but she would not cry.

Zeus cuddled Briony. Briony's children glared at Mel, Amy and Michael … and Mel's mum was white with rage.

‘It's always the same isn't it? You always got the best of everything growing up! You were Daddy's little blue-eyed girl, weren't you, Melanie? Well, I know how Briony feels because I was the younger sister too. Your Aunty Vera used to get all the attention from our father. I could never compete!' moaned Mel's mum.

Here we go again! Mel's mum had always felt snubbed by her own father and so she placed her family's dynamic template onto her own family and thus repeated the same mistake. Mel had never felt particularly favoured by her father, but that was no matter. Her mother was trying to heal her own inner child and redress the injustices she believed she had suffered. Mel could see what the motivation was – she had studied psychology when she had trained as a nurse – but it hurt, nonetheless.

Mel stood there for a moment wondering if there was any point in explaining what had happened.

‘I'm sorry,' she said, simply. ‘I think everything has got a little out of proportion really. I was just trying to calm the children down because they were scared that they might be reincarnated as disabled slugs!' At that everyone turned on their heels and walked away apart from her dad and her children. She could never win. Never make her point-of-view heard or understood. The cacophony of resentments from years gone by drowned out any harmony. She knew that, but she couldn't help hoping that things had changed or that she had misjudged them. She just wished things were different because even now, she might have the luxury of believing that she had had a decent, carefree childhood. As it was, it seemed that all this unnecessary misunderstanding and bitterness would go with them to their grave. If only we humans didn't get tied up in emotional knots and recognise life for the miracle it is, maybe we might stand a chance of sorting out the world's ills before it's too late. Here we are, Mel thought, on a pretty little blue, green and gold planet which cannot help but be fertile. It grows bugs which we don't want and which cause disease or a nuisance, but even that is a miracle. For all we know, our planet is the only one with life on it. It is probably the only planet we'll ever know to support life, because unless life on other planets can live an excessively long time and has discovered a mode of transport faster than
the speed of light, we're never going to know of each other's existence. And if aliens did find us, they would get tangled up in all the bits of metal and stuff floating around the Earth. And perhaps we're all so busy not living life that we couldn't see an alien if it jumped up and down in front of us shouting, ‘Take me to your leader!' or whatever it is an alien might say. And if we did see the unfortunate alien, we would either nail it to a cross or lock it away in a research facility.