The Memory Book (11 page)

She still asks me, if I go upstairs, or to the bathroom: ‘You’re not workings, are you, Mummy?’ And now I can always say that I am not. Instead, I let her draw me into her imaginary worlds – of tiny creatures with tiny voices, tea parties, deep sea adventures, road races and hospital, where I am always the patient and she is always making me completely and totally better with a bandage made out of toilet roll. At least I still make Esther happy. I may even make her happier the way I am now than I did before, and that’s something.

I pick up the waste bin and empty it on to the floor, bracing myself to find something I don’t particularly want to know about, but at first glance it looks innocuous, apart from a still mostly full packet of cigarettes, which surprises me because I don’t think Caitlin smokes. And if she does, why would she throw them away? I begin to gather up rubbish again, and then I see it: a long white plastic thing. I pick it up and look at it. I know that, once, I would have known what it is, but now I don’t. I only know that it tells me something very,
very important, because my heart has responded to it with sickening speed.

‘Mum!’ I call down the stairs, but there is no answer, just the drone of the Hoover. Standing at the top of the stairs, I look at the thing again. I stare hard at it, trying to discern its mysteries. The bathroom door opens and Greg is there, and at once I hide it behind my back. I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s a secret.

‘I thought you’d gone,’ I say.

‘I had, but then I came back,’ he says. ‘I forgot something.’

‘Story of my life.’ I smile weakly but he doesn’t smile back.

‘What’s that?’ he asks me, nodding at the arm folded behind my back.

‘I don’t know.’ After a moment’s hesitation, I hold it out for him to look at. His eyes widen when he sees it, and gingerly he takes it from my hand.

‘What is it?’ I ask him, resisting the impulse to grab it back.

‘It’s a pregnancy-test kit,’ Greg tells me. ‘It’s Caitlin’s?’

‘It was in her room – is it used?’

Greg nods. ‘Yes.’

‘Well, what does it say?’ I exclaim, frustrated.

‘Nothing.’ He shakes his head. ‘The results don’t stay for ever, remember? Remember how we wanted to save Esther’s, but after a few days the result just faded, and we realised that actually it was kind of an icky thing to want to hang on to anyway?’

His smile is warm, his face sweet, and just for a second I
recognise him, and it’s wonderful. Like seeing a lover at the end of a very long station platform, emerging from the steam. For one second, I am so happy, so full of lost love and I am going to run to him, when all the ill-fitting, scrambled-up mosaic pieces that make up the world around me fall into place and I see everything. That’s what’s wrong with Caitlin’s wardrobes: they are still stuffed full of clothes. The mainly black clothes she loves to wear – she’s left them all behind and taken only a few things with her. Her textbooks are sitting on the windowsill; her word book is still folded neatly on her desk. Wherever Caitlin went that night, two weeks ago, it wasn’t back to university. She didn’t take anything with her.

‘I need to go and find her,’ I say, stumbling down the stairs in my urgency to be with her. I hurry to the table by the door where the keys to my car are normally kept in a cranberry-coloured glass bowl. Greg trots down the stairs behind me.

‘Where are my car keys?’ I ask him, loud enough for my mother to switch off the vacuum cleaner and come into the hallway. ‘I need my car keys.’ I hold my hand out while Greg and my mother just look at me.

‘Claire, dear.’ Mum is talking to me cautiously, like I might be a bomb about to go off. ‘Where do you want to go? I’ll drive you …’

‘I don’t need you to drive me.’ I feel my voice rising. Esther appears in the doorway under my mother’s arm. They don’t realise that now, right at this moment, I know everything,
just like I did before, and I need to go now before the fog rolls in again. I need to go now, while I can see and think. ‘I can drive. I know what the steering wheel is for, and the difference between the brake and the accelerator, and I need to go and find Caitlin. She might be pregnant!’

No one answers; no one comes to my aid, fetches my keys, or sees how serious I am. Even Esther just stares at me, bemused. Am I saying the words I think I am out loud, or are they hearing something else entirely?

‘Why are you doing this to me?’ I shout, finding my face suddenly wet with tears. ‘Why are you trying to keep me prisoner in here? Do you hate me so much? Caitlin needs me, don’t you understand? And I need to go to her. Give me my car keys!’

‘Babe, look … just take a breath, let’s think this through …’ Greg touches my arm.

‘She needs me,’ I tell him. ‘I let her down. She thinks I can’t be her mum any more, and maybe she’s going through this huge thing, this thing I know about, but all she can think about is how I did it wrong. And she can’t think like that because I do know, and I know exactly what she is going through, and she needs me now, before … it all goes again. Greg,
please, please
, I do love you. I’m here; I’m here now. I love you so much, and you know that. Please, please don’t keep me from her!’

‘I don’t understand what’s happening,’ Mum says, as I keep looking into Greg’s eyes, willing him to see that it’s me – that I
am here now. Me, the
me
he knows. Willing him to see before I go again.

‘Caitlin is pregnant,’ I tell her. ‘Of course she is. I don’t know how I missed it. She looks so tired all the time, and so worried. And she hasn’t taken anything with her, nothing that she usually takes back to a new term at university. Why didn’t I remember that? She’s barely packed a bag. She’s just gone, and she’s not answering her phone or emails, she’s not on … Twitter or the other thing. Where has she gone? Mum, I need to go to her. You have to let me. You can’t keep me from my daughter!’

‘But you don’t know where to look,’ Mum says, and it is she that steps forward, that hooks an arm around my waist and talks to me, her voice low and soft, guiding me into the living room. Greg does not move. I look at him over my shoulder, and his whole body is clenched like a fist.

‘I know, why don’t you sit down and we can call the university and find out where she is living. I don’t know why we didn’t think of that before.’

‘I don’t want to sit down,’ I say. ‘I want to go to my daughter.’

‘Come on, now.’ Mum soothes me like I have a cut knee. ‘Come and sit in the kitchen, and we’ll have a think.’

‘I have to go,’ Greg says from the hallway. ‘I’m already late for the job. Look, Claire, you don’t need to worry. We don’t even know the test result. Sit tight. Ruth and I will find out what’s going on.’

I say nothing, and he leaves without ever seeing that it’s
me, that I am here. And I’m not sure if I can forgive him for that.

Esther climbs on to my lap, holding on to the hem of my pyjama top.

‘Is that show on that you like?’ I whisper to Esther, as Mum fills the kettle in the kitchen. ‘The one with the talking vegetables?’

‘I want telly on, I want telly on, I want telly on!’ Esther wails at once. Mum turns round, tuts and rolls her eyes as she heads to the living room, Esther trotting behind her.

‘In my day, we read books,’ she says, forgetting that Esther has yet to learn to read.

Seizing my moment, I go to the back door and pull on the only coat that is there: it’s Greg’s, and it’s big, thick and warm, spattered in mud from working on-site. There is a pair of boots I think are my mother’s; I put them on. They are a little too small, but I don’t have any socks on, so it’s not too bad. I’ll need money, so I take her handbag from the kitchen worktop and I let myself out of the back door, down the path, out of the gate. I stop. I remember everything I’ve just learned. I remind myself again, and it’s all still there. Right now, at this moment in time, I am me – I am me, and I know everything. I start walking towards the town centre and the train station. I have broken free.

This is the four-leaf-clover bookmark I gave to Claire on the day she left home, again, to start her life again. Caitlin was a little over one, and for the whole of that first year of Caitlin’s life, they had lived with me. It was one of the happiest years of my life.

When Claire came to me, all those months earlier, and told me she was leaving university to have a baby, I didn’t fight her or try to change her mind. I knew there was no point. Claire has always been like me: she makes up her mind to do something, and she does it, no matter what anyone else thinks. Like the day I decided to marry a much older man who had never even heard of the Beatles and the Stones. A man who the outside world could never see fitting perfectly with me. But I knew he did, and that was all I ever needed to know, right up until the day he died. And so I didn’t try to change Claire’s mind or prepare her for parenthood: I just took her back in, and let her build a wall around herself, cutting
herself off from her old life and friends, waiting to be a mother. I thought – I hoped – that perhaps it had a little bit to do with me, her determination to bring a child into the world. We used to be very close.

One day my strident, brazen and brave daughter was conquering the English Department at Leeds with the confidence of a Boudicca, and the next she was undone. Just like the heroines of the novels she was studying. She’d succumbed to what she’d thought was love, and got lost in the middle of the whirlwind. When it was over, and the storm had set her down, somewhere very far from anything she recognised, Caitlin was already there, secreted away inside her, a tiny black pearl of life waiting to bloom into existence. Those early days, the days when she first came home, we stayed up all hours talking, about love and life, and ambition and the future, and about how sometimes what you planned for just isn’t what happens, or even what you want to happen. Claire got a part-time job in the library, and I remember it as a happy time – reading books, swapping them, talking about them. Painting the spare bedroom for the baby, trying to put together a cot one evening. We nearly killed each other, but we laughed a lot, too.

When Caitlin arrived, I couldn’t have been more proud of Claire: she was hardly more than a child herself, but instantly she was in love with her baby. I suppose that, back then, at that moment in time when it was just the two of them, Caitlin’s father didn’t seem very important at all. I should have told her then that one day he would matter, but I didn’t. I saw the two of them cocooned together
,
and I wanted to keep them safe and pure. That first year flew by, Claire sitting in the kitchen singing to Caitlin while we talked and laughed.

I knew they wouldn’t be there for ever, and I was right. Claire is not a person to just sit and wait for life to happen to her: she goes and finds it, grabs on to it with all of her might. Just like the father she barely got to know.

The day she left home again was for her first job, the only job she could get without a completed degree and no work experience: a receptionist at a science park on the campus of the local further education college. She said she liked being with the other students, who were around her age, and although the job was dull, and she wasn’t very good at it, she liked the boss.

She’d found a bed-sit for Caitlin and herself, over a chip shop near the campus. I didn’t want her to move there. I wanted her to stay at home with me, in the safe and the warm, where I could continue to protect them, but she was determined to get back to life. Even if it wasn’t the life she’d planned, or I’d hoped for – her glittering career as a member of the literati, prize-winning novelist, famous wit and raconteur. She wasn’t bitter about it. About the abrupt halt that Caitlin’s arrival brought to her life. If anything, I think she was relieved. Now she only had to worry about taking care of her; she didn’t have to worry about fulfilling promises, or failing. There were no more great expectations. And sometimes I think it was only then, when she didn’t have to burden herself with the responsibility of trying to be successful, that she started to do things right.

On the day she left, I watched her pack the last of her things into her backpack while I held Caitlin in my arms.

‘You’ll phone?’ I asked.

‘Mum, I’m down the road. Like, five minutes away.’

‘You don’t look like you’ve got enough in that one bag. Why don’t you let me drive you? You can take more stuff. Not that I mind you having things here. I’d like you to leave all your things here and let me look after you both.’

‘I’ve just got to do this, Mum,’ she said. ‘I’ve got be a grown-up.’

That was when I gave her the laminated bookmark, with the four-leaf clover pressed flat beneath the plastic, one leaf slightly separated from the other three. Underneath it, in italic print, are the words: ‘For each leaf of this clover, this brings a wish your way. Good luck, good health and happiness for today and every day.’

She must have thought I’d gone mad, because she looked puzzled when I gave it to her, an object so far removed from our lives that it seemed like it might have appeared from another universe entirely. When I’d gone out to get milk that morning from the corner shop, I’d seen it on a stand, and it had just seemed right, somehow.

‘It’s to remind you of all the books we’ve read together,’ I explained. ‘I know it’s silly, it’s just a token.’

‘I love it, actually.’ She grinned. ‘I love you, Mum.’

‘It sort of spoke to me,’ I told her. I remember putting my arms around Caitlin, the backpack and Claire all in one go, and kissing them both on each cheek before I could let them go.

‘Gran’s hearing voices again!’ Claire said to Caitlin.

She tucked the bookmark inside a copy of
Like Water For
Chocolate
that was resting on top of her bag, and she’s kept it ever since, giving it back to me when it was my turn to write in her memory book, and asking me to remember the day I gave it to her and to write about what it means.