The Military Mistress (6 page)

              “Do you think you could ever trust me?” I'm silent after he asks me that. I'm not sure what to say.

              “I don't know, Julia told me to be careful because 'if he will do it with you he will do it to you'” I quote the famous saying, and I know it stands true.

              “I thought the same thing,” He says quietly.

              “My situation is different though I'm not even sure if Bryan and I are still together, but yes I will admit being your mistress is not my proudest moment, but I love you, and I always will.”

              “I prefer saying you're my side bitch,” He jokes, and I see a slight smile spread across his face as he takes my hand in his own, and holds it on my leg.

              “That's degrading, if there has to be a title I prefer mistress,” I correct him.

              We get back to my house, and continue our conversation slightly. We go up to my room, and lay on my bed, but he is laying across the foot of my bed, and I am sitting facing him.

              “Do you think you want to leave her?” I ask quietly.

              “I don't know.” He doesn't look at me,”I mean I do love you, I know I do and I always will, but I love her too.”

              There is another pang in my chest, “But who would you be happier with?”

              “You, but it isn't that simple, we fight all the time, and I just don't know if it can be fixed, but I'm sure she would want to try.”

              I nod, and look down, this is not how I pictured this conversation going, but I also don't know what I expected.

              “So what do you want to do then?” I wonder.

              “I think I'm going to call her, and tell her how I feel, and see what she has to say,” He slowly gets up, and I can feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes, but I don't want to cry in front of him. Not now. I follow him to my front door, he pulls me close to his chest, and holds me in a tight embrace.

              “I'll come back in a little,” He whispers into my hair, and I nod because I know that if I say anything the tears will begin to come pouring out.

              “No matter what, Maia, I love you, and I always will.”

              He lets go of me, and places his hands on my cheek and lightly kisses my lips. Even though it is such a light kiss it still makes me weak. He turns to the door, and walks out. The second the door shuts I sink to the floor unable to stop the tears streaming from my face. What have I done: Why did I put myself in this position? For the first time I feel unsure about what is going to happen between Jake and me, and it scares me to think about that.

              I sat in bed and watching some show that I wasn't really watching, anything to keep my mind off of texting Jake until he come back over. I can't stop biting my nails, and thinking of the worst case scenario. I've never felt so stupid, but I don't know what is going to happen. Two hours goes by, and Jake texts me that he's coming over again, my heart skips a beat. I'm not sure if it is a good or a bad thing, but at least I know that wasn't the last time I was going to see him. He comes over and I left the door unlocked for him so he comes right up to my room, and sits on my bed with me.

              “So what happened?” I ask, unsure if I really want to know the answer.

              “She wants to work things out,” He says simply, and without a hunt of emotion on his face. I know he isn't too happy about it.

              “Do you?” I wonder, as I'm back to holding back tears.

              “I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know that isn't an option.”

              “I just want you to be happy.”

              “No matter what happens could we still be friends?” He asks, and I'm not sure how to respond.

              “I don't know Jake...”

              “I love having you to talk to, I can tell you anything, you know how to talk to me, and she doesn't.”             

              “That's because I've known you longer, and I'm studying to be a therapist,” I shake my head.

              “Is that a no?”

              “I don't know, we will see, I just know that I like having you in my life because I like talking to you to.”             

              For the first time in a little while Jake smiles for a split second, and moves to wrap his arms around me again, and holds me close. We stay there hugging for I don't know how long. I am surrounded by his mesmerizing scent I don't want to ever forget that smell, or how he feels when he is holding me.              

              He unwraps his arms from around me, and places his lips on mine. The kiss is soft at first, and I think it is going to be quick, but I won't dare break away first I love how his kisses make me feel I won't dare give that up, especially not now. The kiss turns deeper, our lips not leaving each others while he lays me down, and lays on top of me. Our clothes come off slowly, and I know something feels wrong about doing this now, after all that just happened, but I won't dare stop it. I don't want it to stop. I want him, and in this moment it is just him and me I will appreciate every moment of this. He's inside me, I moan into his neck, and kiss down his collarbone. I feel shivers run down his spine with each kiss I trace down his neck. His lips are on mine again. He thrusts and I feel the pleasure building inside me. He thrusts faster, and I wrap my legs around him so I feel him deeper I hear his moans, quiet like he's trying to hide it, but I hear them and it only makes my pleasure increase. I explode at the same time he finishes, and I feel his weight on top of me as I feel the orgasm surround me. Surround him, and there is something perfectly wrong about this moment, but I don't regret it.

              We lay together for a little bit in silence, the only sound is my TV, and I'm not even sure what is on anymore I have been running my fingers along his chest.

              “I should probably go, and sleep at my mom's tonight, she's getting a little suspicious that I haven't been home much this trip,” He says finally.

              I nod, even though I don't want it to be true. We both get up. Jake puts on his clothes, and I just put on my fluffy robe because I just want to go to sleep, I work in the morning. We walk to my front door, he hugs me tightly, and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, and listen to his heartbeat I can hear in his chest as he holds me. I look up to him, and kisses my lips lightly.

              “I love you Maia,” He says. I feel the tears again, and I swallow them back.

              “I love you too, Jake, I always will,” I reply.

              He slowly lets go and walks out the door. I lock the door behind him and walk up to my room. The only thought I have while walking up the stairs is that I hope and pray that isn't the last time I'm going to see him.

Chapter 11

              I get a text from Bryan the next day “
I debated telling you this, but I'm back home if you want to see me”
my heart skips a beat. I'm not even sure what to say. I get this while I'm getting ready for work. I reply that I would like to see him if he does, I want to talk to him, though I'm not sure if we are still together. I go into work, and everyone wants the details of my weekend, so I tell them the very limited versions of the stories. Jake is in town until tomorrow, but I don't think I'm going to see him before he leaves. He does text me, and our texts are friendly, but not as scandalous as they were before, and I can tell the guilt is starting to wear on him, and on me a little bit as well.

              Once I'm off work Bryan comes over. I'm slightly excited to see him, but no where near as excited I was to see Jake last week. He kisses me, and it is nothing compared to when Jake kisses me. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make my head spin around there is nothing special I feel when he kisses me. I can't continue like this. I sit him down and I tell him how I feel. I tell him how he can't just up and ignore me for weeks and then expect that everything be okay. Either he is in our he's out. He has no response, he never does. So I assume he's out.

              “Nothing? You have nothing to say?” I ask.

              “You are going to do what you want anyway,” He shrugs, no emotion on his face.

              “Goodbye Bryan,” I say simply. I know I'm about to cry, but I watch as he gets up and leaves. I wait until I hear the door shut before I start to cry. I don't even know if Im crying over him anymore.

              I feel numb. Jake went back to Colorado and I haven't heard from him in a few days. He called me before his flight took off and told me he probably wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days. I know I will hear from him eventually, but with each day that goes by I get more and more unsure. I try to distract myself with my friends and my job but nothing works. One morning very early my phone begins to ring. I look at the caller ID and it's Jake. I answer quickly.

              “Hey,” I say trying to disguise my tired voice as best as I can.

              “She left,” He said simply.

              “Huh?”             

“              “She left.”             

              “To work? To her parents? To school? Left where?”

              “No, she left, we are getting a divorce,” This wakes me up right away.

              “Oh...I'm...sorry?” I'm happy and I know I probably shouldn't be.

              “Don't be sorry it was bound to happen, did I wake you up?”

              “Yeah, but that's okay.”

              “No it's fine go back to sleep I just wanted to tell you, you can text me when you wake up.”             

              I don't want to hang up the phone, but I am really tired so I do, and I'm back asleep in seconds.

              I go to work and talk to Jake throughout the day, he seems happy to be on his own, he's playing video games and talking to me all day. Once I'm leaving work later at night Jake calls me.

              “She's coming back,” He says.

              “What the hell? A few hours ago you were getting a divorce?” I say agitated.

              “I know, but she wants to work on things.”

              “I thought that's what you were doing the past few days.”

              “We were, but she doesn't want to give up so easily I guess, I'm sorry.”

              “Yeah, well then I hope I can talk to you again.”

              “You will, I'll talk to you as often as I can.”

              We hang up, and I don't even know what to think of what he said. As often as he can? That could be every day, or once a week I just don't know.

              Days go by and I don't hear from Jake at all, not once. A week goes by, and still nothing. Once two weeks goes by, and I decide I should try to reach out to him to make out that he's okay. I go to his Twitter, and send him a message, “
Hey just want to make sure you are okay”
I say simply once night before I go to bed.

              I wake up the next morning, and check my phone to see if he replied. I go to his Twitter page, and a message pops up “You are blocked from seeing this persons tweets” What. My jaw drops. He blocked me? There has to be some sort of mistake. I take a screenshot of the message, and text it to him with the message “Nice” underneath it. Once it sends I get an automated response.

              “This user has blocked you, if you feel this is a mistake please contact...” with a 800 number attached. I clench my fists. He blocked me. He really fucking blocked me. What the hell did I do? So many scenarios start racing through my mind. Did he block me? Does he hate me? Did she block me behind his back? Did he tell her what happened? What the fuck did I do?

              I rack my brain for weeks as I go on without any sort of response or any sort of reach out from Jake. After a month has gone by he posts a picture to Instagram of a new tattoo he got on his shoulder. It's the owl he was talking about wanting. I like the photo to remind him I'm still here, even though I noticed him and his wife both un-followed me a couple of weeks ago. I'm shocked she didn't keep following me to keep tabs on me. I tell Julia about the photo and how I liked it, she said I should have left a comment saying how much of a coward he is for not talking to me. I go back to see the photo and on his profile it says there are no photos available. I'm blocked there too. He has officially blocked me in every way possible. I text Julia to tell her this. She decides to leave a comment on the picture for me, this is why she is my best friend. She sends me a screenshot of the comment she leaves. “Kinda sad that you won't even let Maia like anything without avoiding her and blocking her a few minutes later on everything #bemature” I laugh, and not two minutes later she says the photo is gone, he deleted it, but she still isn't blocked. What the fuck is happening. Though since we have the screenshot I decide to post it on my Instagram with the description “#pathetic” Since I can't tag him in my picture Julia does it for me. She leaves a comment tagging him and saying “In case you didn't see it before you deleted your post” I can't believe this is happening right now. Not even five minutes later she tells me she is blocked as well. This was my last way of reaching out to him, I'm done, I have no other way to contact him so I'm done trying. My time of being a mistress was short lived, and now it is officially over and I don't even know why. Julia told me I should tell his wife I'm pregnant since I have no way to contact him. To be honest I thought about it, but I'm not that desperate to ruin his life. What good would that do me? They get a divorce and I still wouldn't get him so what's the point? My best option is to forget about him. Somedays that is easier than others. Some days I don't even think about him. I mean he's always in the back of my mind I don't know if that will ever go away, but the littlest things can trigger the memories of him. Some days driving down a street we drove down together can make me think of him. Or a song on the radio. Or the smell of Five gum that will always do it because he always had to chew that after eating, the spearmint flavor. Sometimes I think I even smell him, and it isn't even a cologne like I thought it was because he smelled the same when he first woke up, it is just him, and it is easily one of my favorite things about him. Each day that goes by I try harder and harder to forget completely, and I hope that some day he will be all but a distant memory that won't hurt to think about. People still judge me, and probably always will, call me names and act like they know me because of one thing I did, but I don't regret it. I never will because I loved him. I still do. I always will, and if anything it was a lesson learned, but I've moved on with my life. Moved away so even if he does come home looking for me I won't be there, and he will know he's lost me for good. I get to make my own happy ending now.