The Mill House (15 page)

'What the hell was I supposed to do?' he demanded. 'You can hardly stand me near you. How do you think that makes me feel? What am I ...'

'Stop blaming me!' she screamed. 'Take some responsibility here.'

'Then you take some too, because the real problem's inside you and you know it.'

'How dare you .. .'

'You're fucked up, Julia! Something's going on inside you and unless you face up to it, how the hell do you think we're ever going to work anything out?'

Temper was still flashing in her eyes, but now he'd raised the dreaded spectre he could already see her backing off.

'You've betrayed my trust, Joshua, you've thrown my love right back in my face .. .' Her voice was starting to fracture, and in frustration she turned sharply away.

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I wish to God .. .'

'Don't!' She spun round again, her eyes bright

with tears. 'I needed you so much today,' she managed to tell him. 'I was trying to reach you .. .' A sob of anguish broke through the words. 'Jesus Christ what's the matter with me?' she seethed, furious that she was starting to cry.

He made to reach for her but she slapped him away.

'I don't want you to touch me. Ever. Do you hear me? Not ever again.'

He looked at her helplessly, then closed his eyes, 'I don't know how much more of this I can take, Julia,' he said quietly.

She stood where she was, hands clenching and unclenching at her sides, breath rasping raggedly from her lungs as tears spilled unchecked onto her cheeks. When he looked at her again she stared back, and he could almost feel the barrier she was putting between them.

'Don't do this,' he said softly.

She started to speak, but the air was trapped inside her. She tried again, but the only sound that emerged was a cry of torment that seemed to rip from the depths of her soul.

He went to her, and held her tightly in his arms while she sobbed as though her heart would break. 'I'm sorry,' he murmured, 'I'm so, so sorry.'

'No, you don't know,' she gasped. 'You .. .'

'Ssh, it's all right.'

'No, Josh. You don't understand .. .'

'It doesn't matter, just let me hold you.'

Keeping her head bowed, she pulled away and sank down on one of the sofas. She looked at her hands, then lifted them to her face as more tears spilled from her eyes.

'What is it,' he asked, finally realising there was more.

She glanced up at him, then used her fingers to wipe her cheeks as he sat down with her.

'What happened today?' he pressed gently. 'Why were you trying to reach me?'

She swallowed hard, and took a breath, 'I needed to talk to you,' she said, 'but I couldn't get you on the phone, so I went to Sylvia's instead. I had some news ...' She put a hand to her head and gulped in more air. 'I had a call from a solicitor. My father died last night...'

'Oh my God,' he murmured. 'Oh Julia ... Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry.'

She drew back from him and again used her fingers to dry her tears.

'How did they find you?' he asked.

'I don't know. She just said he'd died and that he wanted me to know. I've got her number, but I wanted to talk to you before I rang back. Then I couldn't get hold of you, so I went to Sylvia's ...'

He made to hold her again, but she stood up to move out of his reach.

'What can I do?' he asked, standing up too.

Her back was turned as she shook her head. 'Nothing. Go to Sylvia if you have to. I can't live with you, knowing you want her ...'

'I don't. It's you ...'

'Please don't lie to me.'

He turned her round to face him. 'You're the only woman I've ever loved,' he told her fiercely.

For a while it was impossible to gauge what she was thinking, but when finally she spoke he felt only relief that she wasn't pressing the issue of

him leaving. 'Apparently he's being cremated,' she said shakily, 'I need to find out when, and I have to tell my mother. I'll go down there tomorrow.'

'I'll come with you.'

She shook her head.

'But.. .'

'This has changed everything, Josh. You and Sylvia ...'

'There is no me and Sylvia, not in the way you're thinking.'

'You've made love to her, that makes a you and Sylvia. Now tell me, how many times has it happened?'

'It doesn't matter .. .'

'It does to me.'

He didn't answer.

'Are you as besotted with her as all the other men she's known? Are you one of the crowd now, Josh, panting after her, willing to do anything for a minute of her time? I know how she operates, remember, I've seen what she does to men ...'

'Stop it,' he said.

She continued to look at him, eyes bright with pain, breath still ragged in her throat, then wrapping her coat tightly around her she started towards the door. 'I'm going to bed,' she said. 'The children should be home soon. I don't want them to see me like this.'

'We have to talk.'

'We've said enough tonight.' She turned back, her eyes filling with more tears. 'I don't know where we go from here,' she said. 'All I know is I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you tonight, and I'm not sure I ever will again.'

He started to respond, but then let it go as she walked from the room. There was no point trying to reason with her now, she was still in shock, and clearly needed some time to come to terms with all that had happened today. Even so, his instinct was to go after her, to reassure her that he was there for her, but knowing she wouldn't welcome it, he stayed where he was.

For a long time he stared down at the shards of pottery and glass, until finally he began to collect up the larger pieces and prayed that they weren't going to prove symbolic of his marriage, because right now it felt as though everything was breaking apart.

But he wouldn't let it happen, he told himself firmly. They still loved each other, for Christ's sake, so no way was any of this going to come between them. Somehow he'd make it up to her over Sylvia. He'd think of something, though right now he had no idea how the hell he was going to put it right. He could hardly bear to think of how much he'd hurt her, or how deliberately he had shut himself off from her feelings, when no-one had ever mattered more to him than her. How could the insanity of his affair not have been clear to him before? What kind of man was he, that he could delude himself into believing he was doing it for her? The worst of it was that he had believed it at the time, and maybe a part of him still did. He couldn't say for certain, because he was hardly in a state to think straight, all he knew was that if he lost her over this, he wouldn't even want to go on.

Hearing her moving around upstairs he wondered again if he should go up there, but he

could sense the wall she'd put between them, and knew very well it wouldn't come down tonight. She needed some time to think, to decide what she was going to do, and not only about him, but about her father too. His heart sank in dismay at the mere thought of the man who'd managed to cause so much havoc whilst alive - God only knew what power would be his in death. It was bizarre, for in every other way Julia was generally a strong and capable woman who could handle virtually anything life threw at her, yet where her father was concerned she was so emotionally fragile that even after twenty-four years he was still affecting her deeply. It made no sense to Josh, for having come from a loving and, for the most part, stable family, abandonment issues and the resulting psychological trauma meant almost nothing, but he could hardly deny their existence when they were so profoundly evident in his wife.

As he mulled it all over in his mind he wondered if he should have tried harder to find Douglas Cowan when he'd first attempted it, if he should have been firmer with Julia about making her deal with her problems. The trouble was, he'd been afraid to force it, because the last thing he wanted was to send her spinning off into some terrible breakdown. Even the therapist had agreed this was a possibility, considering the kind of horror she might be suppressing.

Not for the first time he could feel a build up of resentment towards his father-in-law, not only for still holding so much sway with his daughter, but for being the kind of man he despised. Of course he understood Julia's reluctance to believe

the worst about him, what child would ever want to believe that of a parent, but the question had to be asked, what the hell had he done to her back then? Certainly she was still refusing to accept him as anything other than a gentle, devoted father who'd given her all the love her mother had denied her, but it wasn't her mother who'd walked out on her, was it? It was her hero, the man who could do no wrong, the man she simply couldn't let go of.

Sighing heavily to himself, he got up and went downstairs to the kitchen for a dustpan and brush. In any sane world Douglas Cowan's death should bring Julia the closure she needed now, and restore some kind of normalcy to their lives, but he knew instinctively that wasn't going to happen. If anything, he was very much afraid that events were conspiring to bring about the kind of crisis he most dreaded, for he'd sensed during that scene in the drawing room how close she was to the edge. His greatest fear now, thanks to the way he'd messed up so badly with Sylvia, was that he'd created the kind of gulf between them that would render him powerless to help her.

The thought had no time to plant its full horror in his mind before the front door suddenly slammed shut, and Dan came charging down to the kitchen yelling, 'Mum! Mum! I'm starving.'

'Ssh,' Josh said, putting a finger over his lips. 'She's asleep. Where's Shannon?'

Before Dan could answer the front door banged again and seconds later Shannon was descending into the kitchen, also calling for her mother.

'Where's Mum?' she demanded, looking accusingly

at Josh as she dumped her bag on a counter top. 'What's wrong?' she added, registering his expression, 'I have to talk to Mum.'

'She's in bed,' Dan told her. 'Why?' he asked Josh, 'It's not even half past eight.'

'Come and sit down,' Josh answered, leading them to the breakfast niche.

'What is it, Dad?' Shannon urged, showing signs of panic, 'Is she all right? Can I go up there?'

'Yes, let's go up,' Dan said.

'She's fine,' Josh assured them. 'She's just had a bit of bad news.'

Their eyes grew big and round.

Josh looked at them and felt his insides tightening with the dread of them ever finding out how he'd betrayed their mother. Would Julia tell them? He hoped to God not, for their pain and bewilderment would almost be harder to bear than hers.

'Dad, what is it?' Shannon demanded. 'What's happened to Mum?'

Josh took her hand and squeezed it. 'She found out today that her father died,' he said gently.

Shannon's concern changed to confusion. 'I thought she didn't know where he was?' she protested.

'She had a phone call earlier, from a solicitor. It came as a bit of a shock, which is why she's having a lie-down. She'll be going to see Grandma Alice tomorrow, and then she'll probably go to the funeral.'

'Can we go too?' Dan asked, looking as upset as his sister.

'That depends where it is, and if she wants us to.'

They appeared baffled by that. Why wouldn't she want them to? She never did anything without them.

'You'll need to give her some time with this,' Josh said. 'Try to be understanding.'

Dan looked at Shannon as she said, 'I know how I'd feel if you died, Dad, so she must be very upset, even though she hasn't seen him for ages.'

Dan's eyes widened. 'You aren't going to die, are you Dad?'

'Of course not,' Josh answered, making his laugh light, for he was still mindful of what had happened the last time Dan had thought he might lose him. 'Shannon was only being empathetic. Now there's a word for you to look up.'

'Shall we do it now?'

'I don't see why not,' Josh answered, understanding his son's need to focus on the smaller issue.

'I know what it means,' Shannon said haughtily.

'Then you can write it down and we'll see if she's right, shall we?' Josh suggested.

'She's always right,' Dan grumbled, as they trudged off to Josh's study. 'I don't mind though, because her exams are coming up so she needs to be right.'

'Thanks for reminding me,' Shannon retorted. 'I've got like so much coursework to get through. You've got to help me with some of it, Dad, you said you would.'

Assuring her he'd keep his promise, Josh took the dictionary from a shelf and passed it to Dan. 'Aren't you writing it down?' he said, looking back at Shannon.

'No,' she answered, her mood clearly having taken a sharp descent.

Going to her, Josh tilted her chin up. 'What is it?' he asked, 'I really need to talk to Mum.' 'Girl things?'

Her mouth started to tremble, and remembering the teenage hormones raging around inside her, he pulled her against him. How lost they all seemed, he was thinking, even though Julia was only upstairs. The distance was far greater than that though, he could already feel it, and as the thought twisted his heart, he wanted more than anything to go upstairs and lie down with her. But he had to give her the space she needed, if only while she sorted things out with her mother and father. He was going to play this whichever way she wanted, for he had a lot of ground to make up now - and if he'd ever felt more anxious about his ability to handle things then he was at a loss to know when, because right now he wasn't even sure where to sleep tonight, never mind what he was going to do if she decided she really did want him to leave.