The Mill House (5 page)

'Well, it's no fun for me either,' she cried. 'You surely can't think I want it to be like this.'

'Frankly I don't know what you want, but I'm sure as hell not going to lie here discussing it. There's no point pretending we've got a marriage here, because it's just a farce, a total fucking charade. So why don't you just go off to the spare room, where you usually hide ...'

'I go there to prevent this kind of scene,' she shouted, 'not because I'm hiding, or because I want to. And don't you dare try ordering me out of my own bedroom ...'

'Then get into bed, for Christ's sake, and stop shouting or you'll wake the children.'

Still smouldering with anger and shame, she waited for him to move over to his own side, then slipped in under the sheet next to him. Neither of them spoke again, but she could sense his fury as though it were an actual presence in the bed with them. With a horrible burn of fear she recalled the last time they'd had a scene like this, and how he'd accused her then of wanting to push him into someone else's arms. But that was crazy, because she'd almost rather die than think of him with anyone but her. She'd wondered at the time if he'd been setting himself up with an excuse, blaming her for an affair he was either already having, or was about to have, and she was asking herself the same questions now. Had he found someone who welcomed his passion and even matched his skill as a lover? Was he starting to fall in love with her, whoever she was? The very idea of it tore at her

so painfully that she couldn't bring herself to entertain it a moment longer.

She turned to look at him, listened to him breathing, then reached out to touch him.

'Don't,' he growled.

She took her hand away and swallowed hard on everything she wanted to say. He was right, it had all been said before, and repeating it wouldn't help. But they obviously couldn't go on like this, she had to find out what was wrong with her, why this was happening, even though she hardly knew what more to do. She'd been through hours and hours of therapy, she'd even had physical check-ups to make sure nothing had changed inside her. The results had shown her to be a perfectly normal woman with a healthy body and rational mind that, OK, bore the scars of her past, but whose didn't? And she'd faced up to everything now, talked it all through with Josh and the therapist, so there was no reason to think any of it was coming back to haunt her.

A terrible hollow seemed to open up in her heart, because she knew, she just didn't want to admit, that the past was somehow involved in this. She couldn't go there again, she simply couldn't. She'd almost rather blame Josh and his suspected affair for the way she was rejecting him, than have to do as the therapist advised and confront all the horrifying reasons why her father might have abandoned her. Besides, it made no sense for something that had happened almost twenty-five years ago to be having such a profound effect on her now. And even if it was, there was no reason for it to be impacting on the way she responded to

Josh, so maybe his infidelity really was at the root of the problem. Maybe, subconsciously, she'd suspected him of an affair for much longer than she realised, and if anything would play havoc with her sex drive, that definitely would.

Chapter Two

The following morning Julia was up long before everyone else, so was able to shower, dress, load the washing machine and set up breakfast in the garden before the usual morning mayhem got under way. It was a bit of a treat to eat outside on a school and work day, but it was beautifully warm and sunny for September and she wanted to do something for Josh that she knew he enjoyed, even though she didn't for a minute think it was going to make up for last night.

Dan was next to emerge, all sleepy blue eyes and tousled dark hair, yawning loudly as he told Julia about some new gizmo they were talking up on GMTV. After promising to consider it, she steered him into the laundry room for a clean pair of socks, then watched him go motoring off around the garden, pretending to be a Porsche.

Josh was close behind him, wearing his black suit trousers and a crisp white shirt and reading the paper that had been delivered through the door. Julia watched him as he descended the last

few steps into the basement kitchen, but he didn't look up. He merely glanced at the empty table, then registered the one in the gazebo, before picking up the coffee pot and carrying it outside.

Unsurprised, though dismayed by the cold shoulder, Julia said nothing, simply followed him out with the milk and sugar and was just filling Dan's bowl with cereal when Shannon came thundering down the stairs yelling, 'Mum! Mum!'

Julia turned as she came flying out through the French windows clutching a magazine. 'Oh Mum,' she cried, clearly highly distressed. 'Orlando Bloom's shaved off his beard and had his hair cut and now he looks just like Dad!'

Josh's head immediately came out of the paper. 'What's the matter with that?' he demanded hotly.

Unable to suppress a laugh, Julia took the magazine to look at the offending photo. Actually, Shannon was right, her heartthrob did rather resemble Josh with his fine-cut features and shorter hair.

'This is like, so horrible,' Shannon wailed. 'He can't look like Dad. He just can't.'

'Actually, I think Dad's quite good-looking,' Julia commented, handing the magazine back.

'Yes, but he's old. And he's not supposed to look like Orlando. Oh God,' she cried, looking at the picture again. 'All he needs is a bald spot.'

Julia and Dan burst out laughing at Josh's look of indignation. 'I don't have a bald spot,' he protested.

'No, but it's like thin at the back, and, oh Mum. What am I going to do? I can't put this on my wall.'

Suddenly grabbing her, Josh dragged her onto his lap and gave her a resounding kiss on the cheek. 'I could save us a lot of money on those rubbishy magazines and give you some pictures of me,' he told her.

'Yeah, right,' she responded, fighting him off. 'I'd really love that.'

'I'll have some pictures of you, Dad,' Dan piped up. 'I can use them as a dartboard.'

Julia had to laugh as Josh turned in outrage on his son, and only just managed to stop Dan crashing off his chair as he ducked clear of Josh's advance.

'Phone!' Shannon suddenly yelled. 'I'll get it,' and she shot back inside the house, shouting, 'Let it ring till I get upstairs.'

Josh looked at Julia. 'Is she expecting someone?' he asked.

'It would seem so,' she responded lightly.

His eyes stayed on her. 'If it's a conversation we're not supposed to hear, it must be a boy,' he decided.

'Not necessarily Girls that age are usually secretive, especially where their parents are concerned.'

'But a boy rang here last night.'

'Yes, Freddy, from her drama class. You've met him.'

Josh grunted, and after throwing a look at Dan he returned to his paper. Since Freddy was at least two stone overweight and as camp as Butlins there was no cause for concern there. 'Just as long as she's not getting into any trouble,' he mumbled.

Julia pulled a face he couldn't see and poured milk over Dan's Frosties.

'What's this one called, Mum?' Dan asked, his attention now focused on a butterfly that had perched on the edge of the sugar bowl.

'I don't know. We'll look it up, if you like.'

The butterfly flitted off and Daniel turned to his father. 'What time will you be home today?' he asked, sticking his head in under the paper.

'Not sure. Why?' Josh answered, ruffling his unruly hair.

'There's a dads-and-lads game in the park at half past six. Remember?'

Josh frowned, showing that probably he didn't. 'Am I the only one around here who works?' he grumbled. 'Who on earth manages to get home by that time?'

'Dad!'

'All right, I'll be there if I can,' he said. 'What position do I have to play?'

Dan grinned. 'Goalie.'

Josh's eyes narrowed and Daniel laughed delightedly, for the last time Josh had played in goal their team had been trashed, four-nil. 'Only joking,' he cried, as Josh made to swat him.

Leaving them to a lively exchange about a sport she had no interest in, Julia picked up the mail and started to open it. It wouldn't be long now before they all shifted up a gear to begin the final dash from the house, but until then she was happy to sit here in the gazebo, soaking up the sun, listening to Dan's chatter, and holding all her negative thoughts at bay, because there would be time enough later to deal with the crushing disappointment over her book, and the slow deterioration of her marriage.

She glanced at Josh, detesting the silence between them, but there was nothing she could say with the children around, and since last night was probably best left unmentioned anyway, she handed him his post and went to check on the clematis. It appeared some kind of rust was afflicting the leaves, but that was a problem easily sorted, as was the luxuriant bed of hydrangeas that needed to be watered.

This garden was like a little haven, she'd always found, with its rich green lawn and the late- blooming flowers. A lily pond sparkled across one pebbled corner, where a small waterfall trickled over rocks and swirled around the feet of an ornamental stork. They could barely even hear the traffic out here, or smell the fumes, so the thrumming chaos of London could have been miles away. She sighed gently to herself. Mostly she loved it here. Anyone would, it felt so tranquil and safe, but there were times when she felt almost suffocated by it. She could never say why exactly, for she sensed no hostile presence, nor knew of any sordid history, but occasionally, usually when she was alone, a feeling of doom would come over her that was as bewildering as it was unsettling.

Feeling Josh's eyes on her, she turned to look at him. It was hard to tell what he was thinking, but under the harshness of his gaze she became uncomfortably aware of what she was wearing. What kind of perversity, she wondered, had made her put on the cream leather skirt he'd bought her over a year ago, that was slit high in the front to reveal her tanned thighs and that he'd always found irresistibly sexy? And despite the thin straps

and low cut of her top, she could easily have put on a strapless bra, so why had she chosen to come downstairs in an outfit she'd normally use to seduce him, when they both knew she wouldn't?

'What are you doing today?' he demanded roughly

Certain he was going to suggest she contact the therapist again, she quickly began listing off all she had to do, from taking Patsy for a service, to buying new shoes for Dan, to answering the dozens of messages on their joint email address. She was careful to leave out the lunch she was having with her closest friend, Sylvia, for he'd automatically assume she'd be discussing their problems, which she probably would. Besides, he rarely felt easy about the time she spent with Sylvia, in case her friend's exceptionally glamorous lifestyle and firm commitment to the single life started giving Julia ideas. He was much less reticent about Sylvia's talent as a writer, however, for he'd long wanted to take her on as a client, but Sylvia was fiercely loyal to the agent she had, and felt quite strongly that any kind of professional liaison could pose a problem to a friendship she valued very highly.

Julia was about to ask if he needed her to do anything for him, when Shannon shouted from her bedroom window, 'Mum! It's for you.'

Feeling as though it was an eternity rather than just a few moments since the phone had rung, Julia wandered into the kitchen and picked up the extension. 'Hello?' she said, helping herself from a bowl of blackberries.

No reply.

'Hello,' she said again.

Still no reply.

She listened, trying to hear some kind of background noise, but there was no breathing, no distant clatter, not even any interference. Looking round as Shannon came down the back stairs, she hung up, saying, 'There's no-one there. Who was it?'

To her surprise Shannon looked slightly uneasy. 'He said ... Well, he said he was your father,' she answered.

Julia's eyes widened with shock.

'That's what he said,' Shannon assured her, as though afraid of being disbelieved.

A strange humming sound seemed to have started in Julia's ears. 'Well what else did he say?' she asked.

'Not much really.'

Julia looked up as Josh carried a tray of dishes in through the French doors. 'Apparently my father just called,' she told him. 'He rang off before I got there.'

Josh stared at her in amazement. 'Your father?' he said. 'But...' He turned to Shannon.

'Don't look at me,' she cried. 'I only took the call.'

'So what did he say?' Julia prompted.

'Nothing. He just asked if he could talk to you.'

'He must have said more than that,' Julia pressed. 'You were talking to him for a good few minutes.'

'Think, Shannon,' Josh urged. 'What exactly did he say?'

With a sigh of impatience she said, 'Well, first he asked if he had the right number .. .'

'How did he get this number?' Julia said to Josh.

He cast her a look then told Shannon to go on.

Then he asked if I was you, Mum, so I told him no, I was your daughter. He asked if my name was Shannon, so I said yes, and then he said he wanted to talk to you. So I asked who was calling, and he said, "I'm your grandfather. Julia's father.'"