The Mormon and the Dom (24 page)

Filled with nervous energy, Ronan sought some kind of peace. He went outside. Night was falling slowly, and the chirping of crickets was rising. Soon it would start to cool off. Since his Zen garden was outside, it often became altered due to wind or rain. He picked up the wide-tooth rake and rubbed it over the top of the white sand until it was smooth, then traced patterns into the grains. Once he had it back the way he preferred, he settled down to contemplate.

When he’d considered putting in the garden, he hadn’t known there were as many ways to fashion a Zen garden as there were people. Instead of following someone else’s example, he came up with his own. Each rock represented a significant moment in Ronan’s life. Because the moments hadn’t all happened in the same place or even in the same way, the rocks were all different. There was a smooth river-tumbled rock of red sandstone that marked the occasion when he’d discovered his first moment of Zen. He’d been camping along the Colorado River and realized he had no control over anyone but himself. The rock had been at the edge of his camp so he’d brought it back to his dorm. It sat on his desk until he realized why he had taken it. From that point forward, he’d always found a rock near the site of other momentous occasions. Some rocks were big, others small. Each represented a milestone. When he sat and looked over his garden, he was, in a very real sense, looking over his life.

Ronan hadn’t told Noah about the newest addition to his garden. Closer to the right front corner was a stunning cluster of crystals. Once he knew how he felt about Noah, he’d gone to a rock shop he favored and found a rock that was as close to Noah’s eye color as he could find. The crystal was a beautiful blue, but it wasn’t nearly as stunning as Noah’s eyes.

As Ronan sat and considered the stone, he hoped he would be able to share his garden with Noah. If he came to be his live-in partner, then he could add his own rocks to the sand. Or he could start his own garden. All Ronan knew in that moment was that he had plenty of room in the white for new events. He wanted to add new experiences that happened with Noah. Ronan understood that not everything that happened was good, but this seemed so tragic he couldn’t help but question why it had happened at all.

After a long time of quiet contemplation, Ronan felt more at peace. He wasn’t happy about Noah’s injuries, but he realized beating up Keith or his friends in turn only kept the cycle of violence going. He wanted justice, but that wasn’t going to come by his own fists. What he needed to focus on was helping Noah heal. The legal system would have to take Keith and his friends to task.

Ronan spent the rest of the evening reading about orbital fractures. The horrific images sickened him, but Ronan forged ahead. Depending on where the fracture was, one or both of Noah’s eyes could be shut for weeks. Noah was going to need him to be there for him, if only to act as his eyes. Regardless of what it would take, Ronan was in for the long haul. He could rearrange his work schedule and—

“His parents.”

Noah was going to be in the hospital for a month at a minimum. He was then going to need in-home care when he got out. If the showdown in the hospital waiting room was any indication, Noah was going to feel a constant push-pull between his parents and his boyfriend. Ronan didn’t want Noah to have to suffer the agonizing choice of picking a side. In Ronan’s mind, Noah shouldn’t have to. Ronan wanted to work with Noah’s parents to create the best possible recovery for Noah.

“Maybe the doctor could help.”

Ronan had liked her no-nonsense attitude, but once he left her care, Noah would go to the next doctor, and there were no guarantees the new physician would want to have the widest possible care net for her patient. It would seem like a no brainer, but Ronan had encountered hostility from all kinds of people in all walks of life. Just because someone was a doctor didn’t mean they were filled with compassion.

Again, he was anticipating trouble rather than taking a calm approach. He shouldn’t be casting his expectations out when they wouldn’t do anything but antagonize him. Letting go was almost impossible, but Ronan managed when he recognized he had no say in what happened. The only thing he could do was put Noah’s needs first. Still, no matter how he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking that Noah’s parents were probably going to make shutting him out a priority.

Chapter Eighteen

Noah woke to darkness. He felt dizzy and nauseated. His face felt strange, and his body seemed to be made of lead. When he tried to move, nothing happened. Speaking seemed to be beyond him. Curiously, he didn’t feel any pain. He felt oddly disconnected and…floaty. He didn’t think that was an actual word, but it was the only thing that adequately described how he felt. At the moment, he imagined he was one of those big parade balloons, merrily floating over the street. No, not that. He seemed to be hovering over—the floor? Bed? Parking lot? Wait. He was in the parking lot of his apartment building. He had just gotten home and couldn’t wait to get inside, eat dinner, and then call Ronan so he could tell him what he’d done. The only reason he was going to eat dinner first was so that he could charge up his phone, because he intended to be on the device most of the night.

Noah couldn’t wait to tell Ronan everything.

For the first time in his life, Noah was excited about what he was doing. Sure, there was a huge bunch of anxiety in there, but it was the good kind. Worry had been replaced with anticipation. He knew there were going to be challenges and setbacks. Just because he’d finally taken charge of his life didn’t mean everything was going to be all hunky dory. The difference was that it was all going to be on him. Noah was the captain of his ship, and he was excited to set sail.

There was just one little problem. Where
was
he? He felt so disoriented he almost thought he was spinning. Into his head came the vision of himself on one of those roundabout carnival rides that spun so fast it stuck all the riders to the wall. No matter how valiantly he struggled, he couldn’t fight that force. He was floating but stuck where he was, tethered like a balloon.

“Noah?” An unfamiliar voice called out to him, but it seemed to Noah he could barely hear whoever it was because there was water in his ears. Or sand. Was he at the beach? Utah didn’t have a beach. Not unless the little strip of sand around the Great Salt Lake counted, and that was more dirt than sand.

Noah struggled to ask a question, but nothing happened. He was pretty sure his lips didn’t even move.

“Don’t try to talk. I’m going to move the bed so you can sit up. That will help the tissues around your eyes drain.”

Instantly alarmed, Noah tried to ask what had happened to him. Why did his eyes need to drain? Had he been in a car wreck? That didn’t sound right. He remembered talking to his parents. Their shock and hurt was still raw in his mind. After that, he drove home. That was when his heart and mind had been full of Ronan. But then…something. He was going to plug in his phone and eat. He never got in the door. What had happened? His mind was totally blank. And then, the answer came to him.

Keith.

Panic surged.

Noah had been careful when he pulled up, but he hadn’t been overly cautious because the sun was up. For some reason, he thought if Keith attacked him, it would be in the dark.
Foolish, foolish me
. Noah would have cried, but he felt too disconnected from his body to do that. His emotions were there, and ripe with intensity, but he couldn’t connect them to his physical form.

“I know you’re probably confused. You can’t open your eyes right now because of the bandages. That’s why you can’t see. Relax, Noah. I’ve called your parents and Ronan.”

Relief flooded through him. Ronan knew where he was. He would come. He would hold his hand and explain everything. Noah was surprised to hear his parents were coming. He thought they’d be upset with him.

“That’s much better. Take slow, even breaths. They know you’re awake. They’ll be able to visit in a few hours.”

Noah suddenly felt a cool, soft hand grip his hand.

“I want you to tap once for yes, twice for no. Do you understand?”

Noah tapped once. He was stunned how difficult it was for him to lift his index finger. He felt like he’d just done the most ballistic workout of his life.

“Good. Do you know where you are?”

Noah tapped twice.

“Sorry, I don’t think I told you that. You’re at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. From what we were told by the police department, you were attacked outside your apartment.”

Noah tapped once.

After a few more questions to make sure he was fully oriented to his situation, the doctor or nurse asked if there was any reason why they shouldn’t contact Ronan.

Noah tapped twice.

“He’s your boyfriend?”

Noah tapped once.

“Okay. If you’ll give me permission, I’ll make it clear he’s to be included in updates.”

Noah tapped once as fiercely as he could.

After a few more questions, the woman left, but before she did, she placed an object into Noah’s hand. If he needed help, all he had to do was press the button. Noah clutched the item in his fist. He feared if he lost it, he wouldn’t be able to summon aid.

“Don’t worry. It’s attached to your wrist. If it falls, feel around and you’ll find it easily.”

Noah loosened his grip.

When he was alone again, he tried to feel the damage that had been done to him, but he just felt that odd floaty feeling. Belatedly, he realized it was a good thing he couldn’t feel his body. Noah thought that when the drugs wore off and his injuries became apparent, he was in for pain unlike anything he’d ever known.

Drifting in and out of sleep, Noah was oblivious to the time of day or even his orientation in the bed. When he woke up at one point, he thought he was lying sideways. All he had to do was shake his head and he realized he was sitting up. Moving his legs made him realize his legs weren’t lifted but flat on the bed. Carefully, with great attention, he forced his awareness to each part of his body. He wanted to make sure everything was still attached.

“Noah?” The nurse or doctor with the soothing voice was back. “You have a visitor.”

He heard her move away, then tell someone, “Remember, please, that he can’t talk just yet. Hold his hand and he can tap yes or no, but I would suggest you just talk to him.”

Noah felt time spin out. He waited forever for contact, wondering if his parents or Ronan would be the first.

“I’m here, Noah.” Ronan gently gripped his hand and then traced his fingers over the back with his other hand. The motion instantly calmed him. “Don’t try to talk or move, just relax and let me be here for you.”

And that was exactly what Noah did. He was pretty sure he flitted in and out of sleep, but each time he awoke, Ronan was there. All he had to do to confirm was tap. When he did, Ronan squeezed.

“I’m going to let go now, Noah.”

Noah tightened up, even though it was difficult for him.

“Relax. Your parents are here. They want to see you, too.”

But I have two hands
. That’s what Noah wanted to say, but he couldn’t. Horrified, he thought maybe he no longer had two hands. He struggled to move his fingers and nothing happened. Raw terror made him struggle to hang on to Ronan.

“Relax, Noah. I’ll be back. You’re going to be okay.”

Noah tapped twice.

“Yes, you will.” Ronan leaned over and kissed the back of Noah’s hand. In a soft whisper that Noah could barely hear, Ronan said, “I’m learning to share you with your parents.”

That struck Noah as impossibly sweet.

Ronan let go. This time, Noah didn’t fight him. Again, time got all strange because it seemed to take forever for him to feel another hand take his. Even without looking, he knew it was his mother. When she almost instantly burst into tears, he had all the confirmation he needed. While his father tried to comfort his mother, Noah was simply relieved that both of them still cared about him. As he’d left their home, he hadn’t been secure in their affections, not the way he was before coming out. They might be confused and even angry with him, but when things were the bleakest they’d ever been, they came through for him. That told him everything he needed to know about how much his folks loved him.

His parents assured him everything was going to be okay. No one had yet to tell Noah what was happening in regards to tracking down the person or persons responsible for his assault, but Noah decided that didn’t matter right now. Healing was his one and only priority.

Over the next few days, his face slowly drained of fluid. He was eventually able to open one eye. What he saw terrified him.

“Double vision is normal in a case like yours. Please don’t panic, Noah. Remember that your eyes have suffered a tremendous trauma. That you’re able to open one of your lids is nothing short of miraculous.”

Noah doubted that, as it didn’t feel like a miracle to him at all. “I’m used to blinking a million times a day.”

“Once you heal up, you’ll do so again.” There wasn’t any doubt in Doctor Naddleback’s voice. Noah believed her. She’d been right about everything else so far. Naddleback was a quiet woman with a soothing voice, but when she said something was going to happen, it did. It hadn’t taken long for Noah to realize he could trust her completely.

“Did that officer have any news?” Noah had become convinced his parents were heading off the police before they could talk to him. He was certain they were doing so in a misguided effort to protect him, but Noah felt what they were inadvertently doing was giving the criminals a chance to get away.

“He didn’t.” She patted his hand. “I know you want to see them punished, but that’s not really important right now.”

“Getting better is. Right. I know. But I don’t want them hurting someone else.” After talking with the officer, Noah knew it was Keith and friends who’d attacked him. The officer couldn’t make that assumption, but Noah could. Still, it seemed more likely than not that Keith and pals had committed the assault. The police knew robbery or carjacking wasn’t the goal, because all of Noah’s possessions were on him, including his phone and wallet. His car keys were still in his hand and the car was still where he’d parked it. That made the goal clear. Whoever attacked Noah had been out to hurt him. Also, Keith had been released only hours before the assault. Noah was supposed to be notified, but the officer who handled those calls was out sick, and the person backing him up had dropped the ball.