The 'N' Word, Book 1 (30 page)

“Surprise me?” She grinned, falling back into the moment. “What for?”

“’Cause it’s your birthday… and I got two armfuls of presents, all shiny and pretty, full of all of your favorite things in the whole damn world. I climb up your steps, almost lose my balance, even on the one that needs repair… I’ll take care of that for you when I get outta here.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle…
Damn, his memory is good.

“I got up there to that front door, and smell that food you’re cooking. It’s wafting out, and then—”

“Aaron. Your time is up.”

“Oh, hold on, baby.” She heard the phone become muffled, but could still hear his words. “Dr. Owens, just five or six more minutes, please? I promise I won’t go any further than that. We’re just havin’ a really good conversation is all.”

She smiled at the change in his tone, like a child begging their father for a brand new bike.
Aaron, you really can lay it on thick…

“Alright, but that’s it.”

“Thank you so much, Dr. Owens, really ’preciate it.”

“Alright baby, sorry about that. Where was I?”

“You smell my cooking…”

“Yeah, it’s wafting out the door…smells like peach cobbler, ’nd Coca Cola cake, and barbecue chicken with all the fixins! My stomach is rumbling and I snatch the screen door open with a shaky hand, tryna balance all those presents against my chest, but then you open that door and jump around, a big smile on your face, all excited to see me. I kiss your sweet…sweet…lips, baby…”

They both drew quiet then, riding on each other’s sighs…

“You say somethin’ like, ‘Is this all for me?’ Knowin’ damn well it is…”

She burst out laughing. “That actually sounds like something I’d say.”

“And I tell you yeah, and you help me unload ’em in your kitchen… It’s to the left of the front door, right?”

“…Yes, yes it is.”

“So they tumble about, fallin’ all over the place. I pick ’em up and watch you saunter off back to the stove. You got on a red dress, and your black hair is flowin’ down your back in real pretty spirals…like black ribbon, like the glossy ties on the gifts. I’m watching you move your arms about and you have pots on each and every oven eye… Wait, you got gas, right?”

“Yes.” She was once again duly impressed with the man’s memory.

“So, I see those flames under all of those pots goin’ to town, keepin’ all them pans percolatin’. You got candles lit, girly things, sweet things all around, and your perfume is on my upper lip, lingerin’ from our kiss. I can smell you, even over all that wonderful food…and it makes me… makes me want to take you outta there, haul you off to your bedroom, Melissa… So I… creep up… real slow… behind you. I wrap my arms around your waist… and I…” She heard the man draw a breath, and she drew one, too. “And I squeeze you real tight to me, bunch the fabric of your dress into my fists as I draw you close.

“You lay your head against my chest and I reach low and kiss your neck. My hands travel up and down your back… up and down, cause I’m tryna tell myself to leave you alone, you know? It’s your birthday, and you’re cookin’ hot food on the stove but… I just
can’t
let you go, sweetness… I just…can’t let you go.”

Mia closed her eyes as she ran her hands up and down her chest, feeling her flesh heating from her own touch. She wished and prayed at that moment that her fingers were actually his, and his sweet words were a prediction of true things to come.

“I can almost feel you holding me, Aaron… I can smell you; the heat from your body is driving me crazy.”

He swallowed, then continued.

“I turn you around, make you face me and look down at you, baby. I tell you that I need you… You look up at me, catch my drift and do what needs to be done. You turn them pilot lights off, take my hand, and walk me down that long, narrow hallway with the arched ceilings and the beaten floorboards that get to sighin’ from our steps. I follow behind you, like some lovesick puppy dog, Melissa… and that ain’t a far cry, because I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth and beyond…”

Oh Lord… he’s killing me…

“You open your bedroom door real slow… step inside, and I step inside, too. Then I close the door behind us with one hand, and with the other, I reach for the buttons of my shirt…and then…then I…I make
real
good love to you, baby… all night long…make your body sing to mine. We become one.”

She blinked several times, trying to pull herself out of the lullaby of his tender words, but who was she kidding? He’d taken her somewhere so wonderful and divine, the proper words to describe such a scenario couldn’t even come to her mind. Her emotions landed in an area she was completely unfamiliar with… Some place where the very essence of poetry was first created, and joyous tears were cast into some silver, sparkling river bubbling forth from the hearty laughter of drunken angels…

“I love you somethin’ awful, Melissa. You have no idea. You’re real… authentic… Yeah, that’s what I need… I need
YOU
.”

A wave of guilt flooded her. He wasn’t making these things up. Aaron was telling the damn truth and it hadn’t become so clear until that very moment. She’d been determined to help him, then teach him a lesson after he’d announced his hideous affiliations, but now… now things were just a mess. Confusion reigned supreme.

How can I ever explain to him that I’m not who he thinks I am, but everything, besides my race, is all true? Everything I told him, feel for him – it’s all true!

“Melissa?” She snapped out of her wayward thoughts, but the guilt remained close to her heart.

“Yes?”

“We’ll do this again soon. I’m not sayin’ goodbye to you. I refuse to. I will say, ‘Until next time’.”

“Yes, until next time.”

“I’m gonna dream
good
tonight! Where’s my goddamn lotion at? Whew!” He cackled, and then, the call was over.

Mia held the phone a little tighter, and then, her head hit the damn desk. In trying to keep up appearances, the lies got harder each day; everything was changing, turning in the wrong damn direction. And yet, no matter how many times she told herself to hang up right then and there, vow to never write the man again, make a clean break, she simply couldn’t.

I’m so selfish. But I can’t stop. I want him… I love him! How do I make this right?!

Chapter Thirteen

T
HE SOUND OF
someone typing on a computer filled the place. Dr. Owens had someone on speakerphone when he’d walked into the room.

“Okay, just let me know when you find out.”

“Okay, no problem.”

Dr. Owens disconnected the call and offered a kindly grin.

“Have a seat, Aaron.”

He did as requested, scooting in a bit close.

“So, we never really talked about it. You seemed in a bit of a hurry after your phone call, but how did it go yesterday?” He smiled.

“It went good, pretty damn good. She’s somethin’.” He nodded, unable to wipe the smile off his face. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you and she were in cahoots!” He laughed.

“What do you mean?”

“She thinks a lot like you… thinks I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. She speaks in big words, sounds real fancy and classy. I like that, actually. Best of all, she loves me, Dr. Owens.”

The man looked at him quizzically.

“I made a deal with her, too; something I don’t want to do, but I’m going to do it because she asked me to.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’d prefer not to say.”

“Hmmm, top secret?”

“Nothin’ illegal or anything like that,” Aaron assured. “You’d approve. I just don’t want to discuss it right now.”

“That’s fine, I can respect that. Now, today I wanted to discuss more of what happened after you were taken out of your mother’s custody.”

“Yes, okay.” Aaron nodded agreeably. For the first time in weeks, he wasn’t sitting on pins and needles in that man’s office. He wasn’t itching out of his own damn skin, begging for emotional relief, despite keeping a stone face. The mind fucking became easier to take, a hell of a lot less painful over time…

“Well.” He slapped his thighs as he began. “Patti ended up fighting in the courts with two of our uncles and an aunt, too, all of them trying to get custody after my father died. They’d get money for us if they took us in.”

“Your father is deceased?”

“Yup.”

“Oh, okay.” Dr. Owens opened his notebook, and began to jot notes. “And you feel okay about this, Aaron? You didn’t mention it all this time. You spoke about him as if he were still alive.”

“Wasn’t shit to say.” He shrugged. “He got what he had comin’ to him.”

“Hmmm, do you know how he died?”

“He was murdered by a so-called good friend of his over some loan owed. As I told you before, he was a reckless gambler, spent up all of our money. We barely had the basic necessities thanks to him.” He frowned. “Something surprising happened, though. My old man died and left us some money he hadn’t touched. It was in a savings account and he had a buddy that was the manager of this bank, an old army friend of his. He made that man promise him that, no matter what, he’d never let him withdraw money from it under
any
circumstances. He said it was for when he died, for his kids. We’d split it three ways and there could be no exceptions.

“They signed paperwork on it and everything. His friend had in fact told him that he needed to leave his kids somethin’, and this was the only way to make sure that he did. So my father took his advice. Every month, for a little over twelve years, my father would put between $30.00 and $50.00 in that account as soon as he got his paycheck, and then he’d go blow the rest. It grew a little interest, too. Every dime of it went to us, split three ways, just like he said. It wasn’t much, but it was a little something. We would get it when we all turned eighteen. I used my share later on down the line to rent out a space to start my business. I have no idea what Amy and Joe-Joe did with their share, but it couldn’t have been much because, before long, they were broke again. Anyway, Patti ended up winning custody, despite not being blood.”

“Reason being?”

“The judge found it admirable I guess that she’d tried to come for us in the first place, and secondly, she had a relationship with us prior to us being removed from our home. Everyone knew Patti was our main caregiver. We rarely saw Mama’s two brothers and sister, ’cept on Christmas. They weren’t close and my Uncle Ron had a bad crack and meth addiction and hepatitis C… wasn’t no way we’d be put in his custody. My aunt had had a child taken away from her, so she wasn’t taken seriously either, and my other uncle was considered not financially stable enough to take on three kids when he already had nine from his first and second wife. So, Patti got all of us, and we lived in Fresno with her. I got put in yet another new school, but this one was a little different. I wasn’t there long before I realized that things weren’t going to run so fuckin’ smoothly.”

“What happened?”

“Pshhh.” He rolled his eyes. “What the hell
didn’t
happen would be a better question. I was one of the few white kids in the school, Dr. Owens. Patti had gotten a nice little ranch house out there, big bedrooms, things like that, but we were surrounded by black people. I initially didn’t too much care. As a real young kid, I had even played with some until my mother told me to stop. Regardless, I tried to just keep to myself, worried about getting jumped and shit like that.”

“Were you frightened?”

“Sometimes. It didn’t seem to matter how I tried to avoid trouble. I’d mind my own business and get fucked wit’ any way. The principal of the school called Patti, told her I was smart and he wanted to place me in a special program, but it would be impossible if I kept getting into fights all the time, like I was.”

“You more than likely felt helpless, correct?”

“Yeah, until someone came into my life and showed me what pride was all about. I had some self-esteem for a damn change.”

“And who taught you about pride, Aaron?” the doctor asked dryly.

“Patti’s boyfriend, Edward. He was a truck driver who worked all the time, always on the road, so I rarely saw him. That was nothin’ new. I was used to men comin’ and goin’ but one day he pulled me aside and showed me all of this stuff about white race preservation. It changed my life, Dr. Owens. I could understand how intrinsically corrupt the black and Latino cultures were, and why my white heritage was at stake. I could understand why I was being messed with at school and why I was getting no help from the public school system. Patti had told him what was happening to me, how all the black kids were messing with me, making things hard. He told me I better start sticking up for myself, and that the niggers were going to take over and ruin our country if boys like me didn’t get our education so we could turn this fucked up world around. Our populations are dwindling, Dr. Owens. The so called minorities are breeding at a much faster rate and they are producing more degenerate children.”