The New Male Sexuality (41 page)

SELF-SENSUALITY

Touching oneself can be an important step in becoming a more sensuous person. I know you’re not supposed to do this—it’s not nice—but you might want to consider it. Taking a warm bath and rubbing yourself gently (or even not so gently) with a washcloth or towel can be a nice way to treat yourself. The same is true for rubbing body lotion or oil onto your hands and arms, legs, or your whole body. You may get aroused while doing this and want to go on to stroking your penis, but it’s not necessary.

Touching things can also help develop sensuousness. Many of us don’t even notice or experience the objects we touch almost every day. Yet being aware of what we’re doing can add to our sensual abilities and yield pleasure. An orange feels different from a peach, leather different from silk or cotton, wood different from vinyl. When you want to, pay attention to what you’re touching, touch it in different ways, and allow yourself to experience the sensations.

PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE

One of the nicest things a person can do for himself is get a professional massage. It’s relaxing and refreshing. In many other countries, this idea is taken for granted. Athletes and many other people routinely get massages. In America, however, we are so confused about sex and touch that
massage
is often a code word for a blow job or some other sexual activity. Needless to say, when I say
massage
I mean massage and not sex.

If you’ve never experienced a professional massage, you might want to treat yourself. (This is also a nice gift for someone you care about.) Find yourself a reputable nonsexual masseuse or masseur and make an appointment. If you have any qualms about this, take the shortest appointment he or she gives; for example, a half hour rather than an hour.

An added benefit to professional massages is that it can help increase your awareness of the possibilities of touch. You can transfer this knowledge to touching yourself and your partner. I’m not implying, by the way, that you need to become an expert at massage or that you should mainly
be a student when you get a professional massage. The main thing to do is experience and enjoy, but you’ll learn anyway, without even trying.

BEING AFFECTIONATE WITH A PARTNER

There are many ways of touching your partner. Holding hands while walking or sitting in a theater is always nice, as are a brief touch of her shoulder or arm as you pass her chair, lightly touching or holding her face during a close moment, and squeezing her thigh in the car or at the dining table. Here are some other ideas.

Hugging and Holding

If you and your partner agree there should be more hugging and holding, just get to it. Every day devote a few moments to holding one another. It will help if the two of you have a brief talk in which the ground rules are established. The most important thing is that both of you understand that touching need not lead to sex. Each of you should feel free to touch when you want without feeling that you may therefore be required to do something that you’re not in the mood for.

There’s nothing wrong with going on to sex if both of you agree that’s what you want to do, but there’s also nothing wrong with just touching.

Scratching

Scratching
isn’t a very sexy or sensual term, but many people enjoy having their backs and other places scratched, and this is a nice thing lovers can do for each other.

Touching Your Partner’s “Things”

No, I don’t mean those things! What I have in mind here are items like her clothes and her hair. Hugging or touching her when she’s wearing a silk shirt or dress is different than touching when she’s wearing something else or nothing. Pay attention, and you’ll notice and experience the differences. And what about her hair? Have you ever really touched and stroked it, just to experience the feel of it? If not, why not give it a try? Many women have told me it’s a treat when their lovers brush their hair for them. You might want to consider doing this if your partner is up for it.

Washing Your Partner

Being bathed caringly is something all of us experienced as children, and we took it as a loving act. Unfortunately, many of us never got to experience that again. What about washing your partner slowly and lovingly while you’re in the shower or tub and having her do the same for you? If you want to go all out, you can do it just as it is done for children. One of you, let’s say it’s you, runs the bath and maybe adds bubble bath or lotion as well. Then slowly and with care you wash her. After that you dry her, maybe also applying powder or lotion. Keep in mind that getting clean is only the secondary purpose of the bath; showing care and love is the primary one.

A Slow Hand, and a Gentle One as Well

Women routinely complain that men are too hurried and too rough in their touching. If you believe this complaint might apply to you, you can consider what you want to do about it. For most people, the kinds of touch that convey love, support, closeness, and understanding are gentle and slow. This is not to say there aren’t times when a quick or firm touch isn’t appropriate. But most of the time, soft and slow is where it’s at. You have nothing to lose by starting out this way.

Body Rubs

A body rub is simply you touching, stroking, or massaging some or all of your partner’s body (except for the genitals). There are two basic formats. In one, you touch her for your own pleasure; she will intervene only to let you know she doesn’t like what you’re doing. In the other format, she touches you as you direct her to, but you don’t touch her back. Many men have trouble with this one, because it involves a more passive role than they are accustomed to. Aside from giving oral instructions, however, you’re just supposed to lie back and enjoy the stimulation. You may find that you’re also touching her. Try to resist that impulse. Most of us men are already good at being active. We need to learn also to be more passive, just to accept pleasure without giving anything in return at the moment.

I have found that body rubs work best if they are not considered medicinal—that is, if they aren’t the deep muscle manipulation that often goes under the name massage and is usually used for muscular aches and pains. If you want your partner to massage your sore shoulder, that’s fine, but it’s not a body rub.

If you have a sexual problem, body rubs are an excellent first step to take before you begin the partner exercises to resolve the problems that are described in
Chapters 20
and
22
. They are also an excellent first step in learning how to be comfortable in telling your partner how you like to be stimulated.

EXERCISE 14-1: NONGENITAL BODY RUBS

In both steps of this exercise, one of you gives a light, stroking body rub to the other for 15 to 20 minutes. How light depends on individual preferences, but you should avoid the heavy, kneading type of rubbing usually done for sore muscles and in some kinds of massage
.

You will need a warm room, a comfortable place for the receiver to sit or lie, and a lubricant (skin lotion, massage oil, or talcum powder)
.

First you must decide who will give and who will receive in a given session. The receiver is not to touch or do anything else to or for the giver, except as specified in the instructions
.

Since the receiver may not feel like doing anything active after the session, it’s best not to plan to have two sessions back to back Wait at least half an hour between sessions
.

One goal of both steps is to allow you to experience touching and being touched without any other ends in mind. The giver should focus on touching and the receiver on the sensations produced by being touched
.

The other goal is for both of you to make each experience as positive—relaxing, pleasant, pleasurable—as possible
.
Sexual arousal
is
not the goal of this exercise
.
It sometimes happens, and it’s fine if it does, but that’s not what we’re looking for. The exercise is not a prelude to anything. It is simply what it is
.

In each step there is a clearly designated giver and receiver, with different roles to play. These distinctions are important and should be adhered to. After each step, spend a few minutes talking about what the experience was like for each of you. Say what you liked most and least about it, what the main feeling was, and also indicate any difficulties you experienced. This talking is useful for learning how to communicate better about physical preferences; include it after every session, and be as specific as possible
.

Step A:
The receiver, the one who is going to be touched, is in complete control. He asks for the body rub and gives directions on how and where he wants to be touched. The giver simply follows the directions
.

The receiver should use this opportunity to discover what kinds of touching he most enjoys. You can ask for anything at all except genital touching. Try new things and places even if you aren’t sure you will enjoy them. If you’ve ever wondered how it would feel to have the areas between your toes touched, or the backs of your knees, or anything else, now is the time to find out. Make sure you are getting precisely what you want, no matter how many times you have to explain or demonstrate to the giver
.

Since fifteen to twenty minutes isn’t enough time to do a whole body, you should focus on one area, such as face or feet or perhaps your whole front, from scalp to toes. Take your time and get into the sensations. The receiver is the one who calls time
.

The giver should do everything that is asked so long as it is not obnoxious or uncomfortable for her. She should feel free to ask for more specific instructions if needed
.

Step B:
The giver initiates the exercise and touches, strokes, and rubs his partner for his own pleasure, doing whatever he wants. The receiver should accept what is done without comment unless there is discomfort or pain, in which case she should ask the giver to do something else
.

The giver should use this opportunity to explore his partner’s body with different types of touch, pressure, and rhythm. Touch where and how you want to
for your own pleasure
.
It’s important
not
to try to give the receiver a good time or to turn her on. Give yourself a good time. I emphasize this point because many men have trouble with it, focusing their efforts on giving the partner a good time rather than themselves. Do whatever is necessary to follow the directions
.

Spend no more than twenty minutes on this. The giver is the one who calls time
.

When time is up, remember to face each other and give a few moments of feedback to your partner on what the experience was like for you
.

After you have done the body rubs a few times as they are described, feel free to experiment. Some couples make them a regular part of their lives, a treat to be enjoyed when they have a few minutes free and want something physical but not sexual. Some couples use them as a means of stress management because they find getting a body rub is a wonderful way to relax. Some couples use them as a transition activity that takes them from work or chores to sexual activity. The body rub helps them let go of what they were doing before and helps open them up to an erotic experience. And many people find that what they learn in doing body rubs—giving directions regarding the physical stimulation they want, accepting and focusing in on physical stimulation without doing anything in return at the moment, following a partner’s directions for desired stimulation, and touching
a partner for one’s own pleasure—transfers quite nicely and easily to more erotic activities.

I am not prescribing touching as a panacea for all your ills or as a compulsory ritual that should be followed whether you like it or not. Rather, I see touching as a very important human need, one you should be free to fulfill in ways and with people of your own choosing. It won’t change the world and it won’t solve all your problems, but it will probably make you feel better and bring you closer to the people you love. Men need touching as much as anyone else, and there is no good reason to deprive yourself in this area.

Get in touch with those you care for. Stay in touch. Literally.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Sexual Arousal