The One That I Want (3 page)

I squinted at them. I mean, tickets to a play were always nice, but wasn’t this taking theatrical enthusiasm a bit far?

“But that’s not all,” Elsie continued enthusiastically. “Rosemary also got us passes to meet the cast, just as she did for that steampunk musical last year—”

“Steampunk musical?” I hissed in Shar’s ear.

She nodded. “It was bizarre. Tell you more about it later.”

I grinned and brought my glass of wine to my lips, draining it of its final swallow.

“—including a special Q&A session with the director, Zachary Leeward,” Elsie added, “and with the star of the show, Dane Tyler.”

I choked on the last drops of merlot, coughing so hard that Bill reached across the table to hand me a fresh glass of ice water, Shar patted me on the back, and everyone else stared at me worriedly. Except for Kristopher. He shot me a knowing look.

Yeah, of course he’d remember
that
.

“Are you okay?” Elsie asked me.

I gulped down half the water.
Oh, God. Of all the actors on the planet—Dane Tyler. Here? REALLY?

My teen world had just materialized out of thin air, like that freaky phantom ship that came from absolutely nowhere in
Pirates of the Caribbean
. My gut twisted weirdly, and I could barely breathe. “P-Please go on,” I managed to whisper.

She smiled. “So, if any of you want to go to the performance, and I know you do, let me know now, and I’ll email the list of names to Rosemary in the morning.”

Elsie was right. With the exception of one accountant guy, who had an out-of-town business trip next week, and a very disappointed single mom, whose kid was playing in a baseball tournament Thursday night, everyone else signed up to go.

Including
me,
at Shar’s insistence. And including Kristopher.

My old high-school boyfriend leaned over the table and said with a laugh, “Well, isn’t that something? Maybe, if you ask him real nice, he’ll recite your favorite lines from your favorite movie to you.”

“Ha,” I said weakly.

“Which lines? Which movie?” Shar asked.

Before I could reply, Elise jumped in and pointed to Shar and then me. “You two want to ride down with me?”

Shar answered for both of us. “Oh, yeah!”

Although I managed to stop tripping over my own tongue and was able to thank the kind woman, I didn’t succeed in making more than a few last bits of small talk. All I could do was blush furiously and think to myself, in the fevered squeaking of an adolescent schoolgirl,
OMG, I’m finally going to see Dane Tyler in person! Maybe even talk to him!

In just one evening, three distinct memories of men from my past played out like a warped summertime version of
A Christmas Carol
in my mind. Haunting memories of relationships that I’d had or had lost or had wanted—sometimes simultaneously and always more powerfully than I’d expected—were reeling through my brain on a continuous loop, braiding my emotions with the mental film footage.

Before my best friend could ask me any more questions I didn’t want to answer, I hugged her goodnight and raced into the evening, forgetting until my feet hit the pavement and I collapsed into the driver’s seat of my car that I wasn’t, in fact, lost in time.

That I wasn’t living out some high-school fantasy.

That I wasn’t a vulnerable young woman, helpless in the face of fate.

I started the engine, replayed those last three thoughts again, and shook my head.

Like hell I wasn’t.

Chapter Three

A few days later, Brooke and Lindsay were at our house, watching some Nickelodeon show with Analise in the family room while I was cleaning. I’d vacuumed. I’d dusted. And, now, I was flipping through a stack of papers and junk mail, preparing to de-clutter.

I’d unearthed the letter from the university after Friday night’s wine-bar adventure. Read the whole thing this time. Couldn’t miss seeing Ben’s name on the bottom of it. If I’d had any question about whether or not he’d go to the reunion, reading his name alongside those of the rest of the planning committee confirmed the former. He’d be there.

I ripped the letter in half and tossed it out with a coupon for Steiger’s Gas Station, which I knew I’d never remember to use, and the flyer about a local politician’s booksigning, which I had no interest in attending.

Didn’t matter in any case if I kept the Franklin College letter or not. I’d already RSVP’ed. Tempting as it was to back out of going, I’d promised Vicky I’d drive to the reunion with her. I didn’t want to let her down.

As I sifted through some old magazines and a stack of paid utility bills, I could hear random but happy shrieks coming from down the hall. Some were eardrum piercing, but I didn’t mind. Not the way I used to. Once upon a time, I might have gently reprimanded Analise for that, but not anymore. It happened so infrequently. Yvette’s daughters brought out the silliness in her again, and Analise liked and trusted them. A lot. I was going to encourage their growing bond with all the strength I had.

Last fall, the other girls had lost their beloved grandfather, Yvette’s dad. To their credit, they were somehow able to transfer their understanding of their grief to the way my daughter must have been feeling. Their empathy, in their youthful but fully honest way, helped pull Analise along through those very dark first months.

I couldn’t help but feel eternally grateful to Yvette for that, too. She’d been particularly sensitive and supportive during the entire ordeal—not just to my daughter but, also, to me. Not a surprise, really. She’d been a sweet and compassionate person even in high school.

We’d been fringe friends at the time, not close ones, but I’d always considered her a good acquaintance. She’d preferred music to movies back then. Service projects over dating. So we’d had less in common as teens. Even so, I was pretty sure she’d shown up in my old diary entries. Among other people…

The giggles of the three girls receded as I raced down the hallway and slipped into our bedroom. Well, no. Now it was only
my
bedroom. Every time I remembered things like this I felt that familiar tear at the edges of my heart. Like a tugging at the borders of a scab. But, nevertheless, I slid the decorative cardboard box out from under my dresser, knowing that the memorabilia it contained predated my adult life or even my courtship with Adam.

I lifted the dusty lid and peered at the assortment of collectibles and sentimentalities inside. There were actual mix cassette tapes, filled with pop songs from a bygone era. There were pressed roses and a couple of corsages from dances that took place years ago. Homecoming. Prom. There were love letters—or what passed for love back in high school—from the boy who’d dominated my thoughts. And there were a handful of diaries, but there was only one of them that I reached for and pulled out of the box.

It was smallish. This light-blue relic of my adolescence had a soft leather cover, a small key attached and dangling from the front, and a broken lock refastened hastily with some crackled, ancient masking tape.

I brushed at the gaudy silver filigree with my thumb, tracing the scripty words
: “My First Diary.”
Then I flipped to the first page of my old record of my high-school days, exhaling and counting to five. Did I really need to revisit this?

Yes
.

Unfortunately, yes.

The first lines jumped out at me, dragging me back to another time and place: Mirabelle Harbor High School. Sophomore year. To a circle of friends: Megan Rhea. Debbie Brunmeier. Ashley Jennings. Cyndie Redding. Yvette Hampton, née Smythe. And let’s not forget, Kristopher Karlsen, that tall, cute junior, who seemed to take up most of the space in my head when I was sixteen. Or Dane Tyler, the actor that made me wish I could be cast in my very own, real-life production of
Bye Bye Birdie
.

Saturday, January 14th

I can’t believe I’ve been 16 for a whole week already! I love this diary that Aunt Barb sent me for my birthday—it’s perfect. Now, when I don’t want to tell any of my school friends about Kristopher Karlsen, I can still confide my private thoughts here.

Someday, he’s going to like me. I can just feel it. Even Megan thinks so, and everybody knows how cynical she is. He smiled at me yesterday when I passed him going into the library for study hall. And he looked at me for longer than most people when he did. I think it’s a sign.

Anyway, next weekend Debbie, Ashley, and I are going out to see the new Dane Tyler movie—
Warriors of Warrenville High
. I can’t wait!! Yvette and Cyndie might come, too. Maybe Kristopher and his friends will be at the theater as well… Wouldn’t that be amazing?!

I’ll write all about it, and about everything else.

Oh, and I did. I wrote and wrote and wrote, ad nauseam.

Scores of pages of what Kristopher said, what he might have thought, what I think he did. And just as many pages devoted to Dane and the movies he was in, my interpretation of his acting, and the latest tabloid rumors about his love life. If I would’ve spent a fraction as much time and mental energy on my math homework, I might have gotten higher than a C- in geometry that semester.

I flipped through the next several pages, reading snippets of what I’d once thought were highly exciting details about my life.

Friday, January 20th

OMG!
Warriors of Warrenville High
was SO good! Dane Tyler is SO talented! He played Mark Adams, a quarterback who was struggling to lead his high-school football team to victory after several seasons of failure. Of course, there were all sorts of problems with his two-faced friend on the team, and then there was this girl he really liked, Alexa (played by Daphne Styles), and he was only able to convince her he loved her after he won the game and proved that the bad teammate was lying about him being a drug addict.

I thought Dane’s acting was just amazing. And I guess he’s even from around here! Can you imagine going to a real high school with guys like HIM in it? I’d love to know if he’s got a girlfriend in real life.
TeenLife Digest
said “sources” reported that he and Daphne were an item. I wonder if he liked kissing her, and if she liked kissing him. (Well, who wouldn’t?!)

This was clearly more important than any story on the national news involving such trivia as world hunger, genocide, or a multitude of natural disasters. I kept reading.

Tuesday, January 31st

There was a boys’ basketball game tonight and guess who was playing? Kristopher, of course! So, Megan and I stayed after school to watch it and, then, she drove us to Pizza Palacio for dinner. (She’s had her license for 2 months and is a great driver!) The best part, though, was that, after we’d been there for about a half hour, a few guys from the basketball team came in for pizza…and Kristopher was one of them! He actually WAVED at us!!! Megan said Kristopher Karlsen likes me FOR SURE, and that it would be really cool to go out with an upperclassman.

I cringed rereading all of this embarrassing dreck. Yeah. I’m not sure my adolescent self could imagine anything in the world to be as “cool” as dating a junior or senior. Except, maybe, dating a movie star.

Of course, the entries didn’t stop after January. I scanned through fragments from the months that followed.

Saturday, March 4th

How does the name “Julia Karlsen” sound? What about “Julia Tyler”??!

Wednesday, April 26th

…and there was an issue of
Totally Teen Magazine
that came out today with Dane on the cover, and it had a photograph in it with him standing next to an “Amy”-somebody with red hair. She’s going to be in his new hockey movie. The reporter wrote that Dane was going out with her. (Ugh!!) But I guess that means he broke up with Daphne, huh?

Friday, June 9th

Last day of school, and Kristopher and I talked for 10 minutes—just us! He told me his family is driving to Maine for vacation. He’ll be gone 2 weeks. At least I know not to bother going to the pool until July.

Sunday, July 30th

Tonight, one of my favorite Dane Tyler movies is on TV, though. The first one of his that I ever saw,
Roberto & Julia
—a modern high-school version of
Romeo & Juliet
that actually ends happily. I love Dane’s character, Mikey, who’s one of Roberto’s friends. He even quotes Shakespeare! He says, “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” (It’s from
Hamlet
, I guess.) That’s my favorite movie line EVER now.

Tuesday, August 1st

Today is Dane’s 20th birthday! Happy Birthday, Dane!! Wouldn’t it be amazing to get to tell him that for real?

I had to give myself credit—I was impressive in my ability to over-focus. Kristopher and Dane…Dane and Kristopher. Hey, no one could claim I didn’t know how to obsess with the best of them.

At least in Kristopher’s case, I had some reality to back up the teen fantasizing. It took him until January of the following year before he finally asked me out, but he
did
do it, and our relationship lasted a whole four months, a near eternity at that age. Our first date, our first kiss, our first trip to second base (that was as far as I’d let him go) was somewhere in the journal, as was prom and the saga of our breakup. Oh, the drama.