The Outcast Ones (18 page)

I want to tell him what it means to me, but I have no words to express my gratitude, so I react in a way that will probably surprise him more. Carefully, hesitantly, I place my arms around his neck and lean my face into his shoulder. I inhale his delicate essence of summer rain, mist and moss. The scent reminds me again and again of the night I fled through the forest. I was so afraid, felt so lost, but warmth fills me when I think of how I looked into his eyes after he threw me to the ground. His whole face was screaming hate and contempt, and yet to see it was calming for me.

Slowly we step away from each other. He speaks. “Maybe someday, people will have a choice. We want them to have a choice, and we’re not the only ones.”

“How do you mean?”

“There are as many rebels as there are Legions and safety zones. It’s human nature to resist injustice. Rebels are everywhere. Not only in our caves, but also in other places.”

“How do you know all this? How do you keep contact with the other rebels?”

“There’s a black market. We meet there with other free people and organise the resistance.”

“The Legion commanders always told us we were the last survivors. Don’t they have contact to the other Legions?” Instead of answering, Finn only raises his left eyebrow. I lift my hands. Another lie. “Okay, got it. So...the Legion has laser weapons, airships and vehicles. How do you want to make headway against them?”

“Even the greatest goals start with just one step.” Finn takes my hand again. I like it when he touches me. “I want you to be there the next time we meet the others. You should be well prepared when you go back to the Legion.”

He’s looking deep into my eyes, his features lit by moonlight and starlight, but his words are like a slap in the face. They pull me back into reality: it’s not about me. He doesn’t want me on his side, he only cares about the success of the mission. I’m a project for him. Just another rebel spy.

“We’re putting all our faith in you. You are the key to our hope.”

His words sound so kind, but they don’t reach to my soul. He’s just using polite clichés to send me to a place where I might die. I wish he would ask me not to go back. I wish he would ask me to stay with him.

- -

H
eavy grey clouds hang in the sky. The air is filled with the unmistakable smell of rain. I can already hear the rumbling of a storm on its way. But no one except me seems to notice or be bothered by it. Last night they began preparations for the “big day” and continued before dawn today.

While the twins see the trip to the black market as something fun, Finn is a nervous wreck. He’s more irritable than usual and growls at anyone who stands in his way or asks him a question he doesn’t know the answer to.

Gustav is leading the expedition, and he is calm personified. He whistles in between sips of freshly brewed peppermint tea, as if this day were no different to any other.

As for me, I have mixed feelings about going. On the one hand I can hardly wait to learn more and come a little closer to the truth. On the other side, visiting the black market signifies my departure. The rebels are going there not only to exchange goods, but also to plan my mission in the Legion. As soon as that’s settled, there’s no reason for me to stay here any longer. Months ago, I longed to return to the safety zone—so much that it almost hurt physically. Now I feel a strange emptiness at the thought. The Legion commanders have lied to me all my life. How should I ever respect them again? How can I go back to a place that was my home, and help destroy it? The Legion never gave us a choice, but the rebels don’t intend to give the residents in the safety zone a choice, either. Maybe not all of them would choose to live under the open sky, without leaders.

Sometimes my doubts are so strong that I lie awake at night and throw myself from one side of the bed to the other. The worst thing is that I can’t talk to anyone about it. Iris can’t be told about any of this, and the rebels won’t understand me, Finn least of all. Resisting the Legion is everything they believe in, everything they’re fighting for. How can I disappoint them by saying I don’t share their belief?

A shrill whistle draws my attention. Finn stands in the centre of the room, feet set wide, fists on hips. If I didn’t know him, I’d think his stance was pretentious and overbearing. But after all this time I can interpret his feelings and perceive his hands trembling as he bounces slightly from one foot to the other. The strength he tries to show is nothing more than a façade to hide his fear. The whistle hangs on a string around his neck, but he’s not the one who speaks.

Gustav stands from his chair and strolls to Finn’s side, the teacup still in his hand. “My dear family, the vehicle is packed and the journey can begin. It won’t be a long goodbye—we’ll be back together in just a few days with lots of news.”

Not everyone is going to the black market. Paul and Florence are staying here to make sure the caves are safe. The same goes for Grace and Marie, who will take care of Emily and Iris.

Silence falls over the gathering. Everyone knows it’s a journey into the unknown. There will be hundreds of miles between us, and many dangers too. It could be the last time we see each other.

Florence hugs both Jep and Pep at once. Paul gives Finn a friendly clap on the shoulder. Without hesitation, Iris presses against me and tightens her skinny arms around me. Dumbo capers around us and starts to whine.

Tears glitter in her eyes as she raises her face to me. “You’ll come back, won’t you?”

I nod as a big lump forms in my throat. Even if I come back, I’ll have to leave again soon after. Will it be just as bad? Will she cry because of me? Who will share the bed with her at night when I’m gone, who will wake her from nightmares, who will comfort her when she’s sad?

Thankfully, Grace approaches at that moment and puts an arm around Iris, then cups my face with her hand. “You take care of yourself. Iris and Dumbo can sleep in our room while you’re gone.”

Although Iris smiles bravely, I know she needs to get away from Grace sometimes. She finds it hard to witness the closeness between Emily and her mother. It makes her even more conscious of what she will never have. Iris is happy to dismiss it, but sometimes it’s not easy for her to deal with the loss of all the things the Legion took from her. First on that list: her mother.

In front of the caves, under nearby trees, is a large all-terrain vehicle. It must have been hidden in one of the caves somewhere. Its bed is packed full and covered with a grey tarpaulin. As well as food, sleeping bags and medicine, we’ve got several canisters of fuel as well as some weapons “for defence”. Without dallying, Finn climbs into the driver’s seat. Jep and Pep take the back seat.

Perplexed, I stand in front of the Jeep. Although I’m not chained and I can move freely, I feel more of a prisoner than ever. The rebels made the decision for me. It’s their decision to take me with them to the black market. It’s a sign of great trust, because anything I hear there could be used against them by the Legion. Despite this trust, I don’t feel like I belong—instead, I feel cornered and pressured. They have expectations for me, without me knowing if I’m willing or even able to fulfil.

“Will you sit beside me?” Finn slaps the passenger seat beside him. “I’m sure Gustav will just go to sleep in a minute, and I hate that when I’m driving.”

Of course I would prefer it if he’d say he WANTS me beside him, but I guess that’s too much to expect. I grab the edge of the seat and pull myself up.

There’s grumbling from behind. “Great, now Finn’s stolen the lady. We get to sit next to Grandpa Gustav. I hope he leaves his shoes on this time at least,” Pep complains.

Jep fans his face with his hand. “Last time, he stunk out the whole cabin.”

“I had to put a clip on my nose so I wouldn’t faint,” jokes Finn. Their natural manner makes me smile too. Some of the tension falls from my shoulders.

Finn holds out a round object towards me. Curious, I take it and lay it in my palm. A flap on the gold-coloured case opens to reveal a face similar to a clock.

“That’s a compass. We’ll need it to stay on the right track,” Finn explains. He points to the ornate letter E on the edge. “That’s where we’re going. East, where the sun rises.”

“That sounds hopeful.”

A hesitant smile flashes across Finn’s face and goosebumps run along my skin, so that the hairs on my arms stand up. I look at him, eyes wide. It’s as if time stands still around us, and everything else as well, as if the world were frozen. I can hardly breathe, I’m so trapped in Finn’s intense gaze. I can’t feel any hate from him, not even a trace of anger. He makes me feel needed, but more than that: I feel welcome. The way he looks at me—only closely connected people do that. It’s the same look Gustav wore the first time I saw him with Marie.

But the magic vanishes as quickly as it came. There’s loud throat-clearing from the back seat. “Uh, could you two maybe save the flirting for tonight?”

“No, don’t say that, we still have to share the tent with them.”

I look away quickly as my cheeks glow red with shame. How does he always manage to turn my brain into thick pudding? Why do I behave like a total idiot when he’s nearby? They probably all think there’s something wrong with me. I’m surprised I haven’t started to drool in his presence.

To my relief, Gustav finally climbs aboard and slams his door. Finn starts the engine, and our journey begins.

We’ve been travelling for many hours now, but the view hardly changes. We are surrounded by red sand as far as we can see. To begin with, I couldn’t understand how Finn finds his way in this wilderness, but then he pointed out the weathered, barely visible wooden posts set every few miles towards the east.

“Who set up those posts, then?” I ask, impressed, as one blurs with the horizon that wavers in the heat.

Finn just shrugs. “It must have been the first rebels.”

“How did they know about each other?”

“Maybe there was just one safety zone back then, and the rebels divided up.” But Finn doesn’t seem sure of what he’s saying.

“Isn’t Gustav one of the first? He would know.”

Gustav’s consistent snoring is our only answer from the back seat.

Finn hesitates and looks out of his side window. For some reason it’s like he doesn’t want to answer me.

“He tells us he’s forgotten,” says Pep. It’s easy to hear that he doesn’t believe Gustav.

I observe Gustav’s peaceful face in the rearview mirror. Is he really sleeping, or just acting? He’s been snoring for an hour already. That would be difficult to pretend.

Although the twins seem to think the same, Jep picks up his brother’s opinion and carries it on in a whisper. “He remembers all the details of everything else, but he can’t remember this one important thing? I don’t believe a bit of it.”

“But why would he lie?” I blurt out what’s in my head.

“Maybe to protect us from something,” suggests Pep.

Jep disagrees. “Or to protect himself because he knows more than he wants to admit.”

“He was a Legion commander,” I muse. He would have known all about every plan and intention. He was connected to the source of power. I have already been wondering why a Legion commander would ever become a rebel.

Jep goes on. “Who knows, maybe he’s still in contact with them—”

“Stop it, all of you!” Finn interrupts. “You can’t be talking about him while he’s right here.”

Pep doesn’t want to shut up. “What are we supposed to do? Close our eyes like you?”

Finn grips the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turn white. He chooses his words carefully. “He’s done a lot for all of us. Without him, there would be no rebels. We have no right to mistrust him.”

Although his words are intended to protect Gustav, the way he said it was clear. He didn’t only say that Jep, Pep and I mistrust Gustav—he included himself. But then why is he defending him? Is it only because he’s known Gustav all his life, and they’re like family to each other? Or does Finn know something he’s keeping from us? Maybe he shares the secret with Gustav.

Much later, when it’s so dark we can hardly see the wooden posts even with the headlights, we set up our camp. The next morning we depart with the first rays of dawn. No one slept well, so we’re drooping and talk less than the day before. But this changes in an instant when the horizon shows us the first hints of tents and vehicles. Curious, I lean forward in my seat and shelter my eyes from the sun so I can see better.

As we approach the camp, the shapes take more solid form. I count three more all-terrain vehicles—less than I expected. I don’t know what I expected, exactly. But I’m disappointed to see only about fifteen people in the group. There are more than five hundred people in the safety zone, in all the different age groups. They have technical knowledge at a level that the rebels would never comprehend. How could these people believe themselves to be capable of beating an opponent so much stronger than them in both numbers and knowledge?

The Legion would squash them like a pesky fly. I gulp as I realise I’m going to be the fly. It’s not just anyone they want to send back as a spy—it’s me.

We come to a standstill and all sorts of people rush over to see us. They greet the others like old friends, but peer at me out of the corners of their eyes. It’s been almost two months since I was brought to the rebels, but it seems my origin is written on my face.

So I’m very happy when Finn finally joins me and lays a hand on my back. “This is Cleo. We rescued her from the safety zone several weeks ago and we have been able to integrate her into our group.”

It’s like he punched me in the head. That sounds so wrong that my whole body resists it. I freeze under his touch and my throat constricts.

I always respected the rebels for their human kindness, but he makes me sound like a successfully completed project. He says they rescued me. It never felt that way to me. Even now I don’t know if I would even want to know about the rebels’ existence if I had the choice.

“In a few days, Cleo will return to the Legion to become an undercover Legion commander. Having a member in the highest level of government will give us more information than we have ever hoped for.” He looks so proud, like he earned all this himself, as if he made me what I am today. But he had very little to do with it. He hated me—maybe he still does.