The Power of the Herd (53 page)

For sheer survival, I spent a good ten years experimenting with alternative ways to handle group emotional dynamics as I worked with unruly horses who would sense and then act out the fear, confusion, anger, or frustration that other herd members, including me, were feeling. Then I began to put these same skills to use with groups of confused, competitive, fearful, angry, or frustrated humans, which was equally scary in the beginning, though certainly not as dangerous as wrangling an irritated stallion (as long as people left their guns at the door).

Here's what I found: successfully managing affect contagion involves
deciphering
and
transforming
negative emotions and reactions while radiating
authentic
positive feelings that are productive and empowered, not naive. This initially daunting prospect is an advanced move, a PhD level of social intelligence in action. However, as with any postgraduate degree program, there are skills you can develop and steps you can take to get there.

Here's the first, most important thing to remember in practicing this art: managing contagious emotion is an art. It's not rocket science or brain surgery. If you make a few mistakes, you're not going to blow up the neighborhood or turn someone into a vegetable. Sensing and flowing with the emotions of others is more like conducting an orchestra. If you can move through the emotional highs and lows with interest, not resistance, the composure, concentration, and enthusiasm you convey will be contagious. In fact, by modeling and eventually teaching others to treat group interactions as “the symphony we're playing today,” they too can learn to sense and flow with others' emotions, appreciating the wisdom behind feelings they'd previously hidden or rejected while learning how to move beyond suppression and expression into a poised, artful, creative approach to life and work.

Building on the previous two guiding principles, Guiding Principle 3 expands personal EQ skills. Use the following sequence to manage contagious emotions. By employing these verbal and nonverbal protocols, group members with varying opinions and emotional responses will feel heard and empowered, not judged, shamed, and disempowered. They will seek your leadership in the future, even if you aren't the official leader.

Do this before entering a business meeting or before a more casual interaction with friends and family. (See
pages 292–96
).

Notice others' vocal tone and body language in addition to, perhaps even over, their words. For instance, when delegating tasks among team members, watch how each person responds nonverbally to the mention of each task. When possible match team members with tasks they are enthusiastic about, or at least comfortable with. Their enthusiasm and comfort will become contagious to others. Similarly, notice when people say “yes” to a task with an undercurrent of apathy, agitation, or obligation, as this too will become contagious over time.

In driving the emotions of others in a positive direction, however, you
cannot order people to feel enthusiastic or happy. And it's not helpful to put on a “happy face” yourself or otherwise act like nothing's wrong. You dispel others' negativity by using their emotions as information. For instance, you must find out if their apathy stems from a need for more training, clarity, or assistance; or if they are overworked, underpaid, underrecognized, or simply bored with their current job. Or if they have another idea they are reluctant to share.
However, before you explore the messages behind others' emotions, you must do step 3.

This is like isometric exercise for your emotional muscles, and you
will
get stronger over time. Your increasing comfort in dealing with both positive and negative emotions, questions, and feedback
will
be contagious, helping others to remain thoughtful in tense situations.

When emotionally charged situations arise, silently consult the Emotional Message Chart to jump-start your own problem-solving mind-set. (I advise photocopying the abbreviated chart at the end of Guiding Principle 1,
chapter 13
, and taking this into meetings along with other notes, files, and paperwork. Some people prefer to scan it into their laptops for easy access. You can also download a PDF of the chart from my website,
www.eponaquest.com
.)

Take care of your own body first by breathing into your physical constrictions. Even if the situation is too complex or chaotic to silently ask for messages from your body sensations, continue breathing into areas of tension, regardless. (Breathing is contagious. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system in yourself and others, helping everyone to break a cycle of escalating arousal that can occur when strong emotions arise in group interactions.) Now you're ready to begin assessing and managing others' emotions.

Someone who is smiling or saying she's fine but displaying body language that suggests otherwise is incongruent. Look for the nonverbal signals — clenched
jaw, sarcastic remarks, reluctance to make eye contact, exaggerated sighing, or red or watery eyes. Sometimes the signal will be simply your gut feeling that someone is preoccupied or hiding something. Do not automatically assume an incongruent person is untrustworthy. It may be a personal situation at home and none of your business. However, he or she can be inadvertently disruptive to the group, adding needless tension and confusion to an otherwise productive meeting.

Over time, you will need to create an atmosphere of
professional
trust and support where people can acknowledge they are experiencing personal challenges without sharing the details. When people can admit they are tense, angry, agitated, or sad for reasons unrelated to the task at hand, their emotions will not be unconsciously contagious to members of the group. Without learning the details, everyone will breathe a big sigh of relief when someone says, “Hey, guys, I just want to let you know I may seem a bit distracted because of a difficulty outside work (or in another division, or with an employee or client unrelated to this team's agenda). I'm taking care of it, but there's an emotional charge to the situation that has nothing to do with this meeting.” You may want to model this yourself at first and share the research showing that incongruent people cause the blood pressure of those they're interacting with to rise, making it harder for everyone to think clearly.

However, if you're not in a position to change the group dynamic, you will be ahead of the game if you can simply note who is incongruent and watch how he is affecting the group.

Sometimes incongruent people are experiencing strife with another team member, so check for this as well. If Jane purses her lips, rolls her eyes, or looks out the window whenever Jim speaks, it's safe to say that you're witnessing evidence of interpersonal difficulties between them. These gestures and the emotions behind them can poison any group interaction and need to be resolved expediently. Long-term interpersonal strife between team members can be absolutely debilitating to the rest of the group, creating an inescapable undercurrent of tension that interrupts everyone's ability to think clearly, let alone creatively. Most of the time, these difficulties can and should be handled privately after the meeting, with preparation, coaching, and support. (Guiding
Principle 9:
“Prepare
for Difficult Conversations,” in
chapter 21
, is the essential skill for handling interpersonal challenges effectively.)

In facing challenges that give rise to strong emotions,
breathe and ask
constructive, fact-finding, problem-solving questions. Do
not
encourage using the old yet still popular psychological “encounter group” approach where people express their emotions verbally, sometimes using a shaming or confrontational tone of voice in the name of “authenticity.” (The “when you do that, I feel this” format is not just useless but also destructive in professional situations.) Also, resist the temptation to aggressively fix the situation, ignore your own uncomfortable emotions, or secretly jump to judgmental conclusions.

Ask the
questions
associated with relevant emotions; do not mention the emotions themselves. For instance, if someone appears angry or frustrated (and in people, the body language of these two emotions often looks the same), don't ask the person: “Are you angry or frustrated?” Instead, ask situation-relevant questions based on the messages behind those emotions, consulting the Emotional Message Chart. Ask: “Have we reached a block or impasse in moving forward on this project? (A “yes” to this question signals frustration.) “Or have I overstepped my role here or been inconsiderate of your needs, time, or professional expertise in some way?” (These are possible reasons why this person might be angry with you, signifying a boundary violation of some sort.)

When someone looks particularly agitated or fragile in a group meeting, ask relevant questions to others around him or her first. For instance, if one colleague seems afraid or vulnerable, don't say, “Mary, you look downright peaked. Are you feeling afraid or vulnerable?” Ask the group to discuss issues related to safety (legitimate fear concerns) or the need for more information and training (vulnerability) or the sheer panic people sometimes feel when moving out of comfortable habits and experimenting with or exploring unknown territory (also vulnerability). You might say, “I want to make sure before we move forward with this plan that we consider any issues related to safety of the product, possible market competition, or the need for more information, preparation, and training. John, do you have any concerns or ideas? What about you, Sally? Mary?”

Sarcastic, shaming, or blaming remarks create wildfires of negative emotional contagion, sending some people into flight-or-fight mode and generally making everyone else defensive on some level. (Inflammatory statements include: I felt betrayed. You should be ashamed of yourself. You really dropped the ball on this one. I'm very disappointed in all of you. Gestures include exaggerated sighing, eye rolling, cynical smiles, and so on.)

Similarly, you can turn a negative trend around before it gets started by refraining from reacting defensively to inflammatory words or disrespectful gestures from others. Do not
ignore
inflammatory words and gestures, however. Assess the message behind them and problem solve. (See the Emotional Message Chart for questions to ask about, for example, disappointment.)

This includes passive-aggressive acts. It's productive to read someone's misbehavior as a form of communication —
if
you teach this person more appropriate ways of reacting to stress in the future (rather than ignoring or condoning his hurtful behavior). If, however, you react to a challenge by getting into a shouting match, seeking revenge, or undermining someone behind his back,
you
will look adolescent. Take the high road, turn a negative trend around, and others will
seek
your leadership in the future. Whenever possible, however, do not shame the aggressor in front of the group. Discuss inappropriate behavior privately, after the meeting, offering the disruptive person solutions for how to deal more constructively with the issue that caused the misbehavior if a similar situation arises in the future.

Past betrayals, difficulties, or traumas can rear their ugly heads at inopportune moments, causing you to overreact in situations where people are looking for sane, balanced leadership. It's obvious to others when you have a hair-trigger response to something minor: as a leader, you want to increase your ability to notice when your own emotional reactions are way out of proportion to the current situation. This means something from the past is setting you off. Notice what belongs to the current situation and what belongs to the past. Focus
on the present. Make an appointment to deal with the past (with a colleague, coach, counselor, or confidant), as unresolved issues cloud your intuition, compromise your ability to think clearly, and affect the ability of the entire group to function when you explode or hold a grudge over things that others find mildly irritating or challenging. (See the discussion of projection and transference in
chapter 12
,
pages 210–16
.)

Though some people hide this relatively well, they can still affect the group's morale and effectiveness. (Telltale signs include disgusted, defeated, or cynical body language in combination with sweeping generalizations or statements that include
always
or
never,
such as: “Management never listens to us,” or “I always get the short end of the stick.”)

Again, guard against defensiveness. Don't say, “John you seem to be triggered by something.” Instead, use the verbal and nonverbal cues they've given you to ask relevant work-related questions that encourage people to differentiate between the past and the present, learning from the past to produce a different outcome in the present. In the case of “Management never listens to us,” you might ask people to explore situations in which management didn't listen, recall the approach they used, and discuss the outcome. Then bring up situations in which management did listen, again analyzing the approach and the outcome. This gives your team the information they need to strategize how and why management should listen this time.