The Proverbial Mr. Universe (28 page)

“No, that’s not what I meant. It came out wrong. I mean, how do I begin to explain what we are? We are getting to know each other.” She shrugged. “What’s the point of telling them if it doesn’t work out between us?”

Nicks shoulders slumped and his eyes reflected a mix of confusion and agitation.

“You’re upset with me?”

His eyes met hers in a flash. “Fuck yeah. I don’t understand how you don’t know where we’re going with this … when we spend every minute possible together.”

“Yes, I know, and I enjoy my time with you, I do …”

“But …” He snorted a condescending laugh.

“No, there is no but. You’re an amazing guy, honest and fun to be around. Do you know how much I appreciate that? I’m just not ready to define what we have right now.”

He smirked. “No, what you’re saying is that you’re just not prepared to commit to anything yet.”

“That’s not true. I know what I want it’s just …”

“You’re not sure it’s with me? It should be easy, Olivia. You’re either in this all the way, or you’re not.”

She crossed her arms. “You’re being unfair about this, Nick. I don’t understand why you’re upset. Haven’t I been honest with you from the start? I just came out of a long relationship. I’m sorry, but I don’t rush into things like you do.”

“Right … your relationship with Dario. That’s just an excuse for the real reason. Don’t play me for a fool, Olivia. You think I don’t see it? It’s easy for you to put me at an adequate distance, but what you don’t realize you’re making it much harder for me to get close to you. I don’t know what happened that caused you to be this way, but when I look into those eyes I see someone who’s just too scared to let anyone inside. God, Olivia, you have to believe you’re worthy to be loved.”

“That’s not true, I’m not afraid …”

“It’s not? You always choose to do what other people expect from you, always living by these rules … because if you don’t, you’re afraid of making people around you unhappy. You’re not responsible for their happiness. You’re responsible for yours.”

“It’s not as easy as that, Montgomery. My family is going through a terrible time. I can’t just spur this on them.”

“It’s just more excuses your hiding behind,” he said as he placed his art supplies on the shelf above.

“They’re not excuses. It’s the truth. You can’t always think about yourself. Maybe if you had parents, you would understand.”

She felt terrible, but it just came out of her mouth before she could take it back.

He stopped midair and pushed the box aside, slowly turning around.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that …” She looked down at the floor.

Nick walked closer, but not close enough to touch her. “You may be right. So maybe I didn’t have such a great start in life. Maybe I’ll never give you the life that Dario or your father can give you, but you know for damn sure that what I can offer you is more than any man will ever provide for you … all my heart and soul.” He placed a hand on his chest so forcefully, like he was on his last resort to make her understand. “I think you’re just fuckin’ scared. Maybe I’m a fool to believe I might be enough for you.”

“I never said you were never enough.”

“Then why do I feel like I’m not? You’re still not sure about us … and I can’t just wait around for you to figure it out. Don’t lead me on, Olivia. Don’t keep wasting my time and adding more scars to my heart. I know what I want … if this is not for you, then just be straight with me.”

What she felt for Nick was indescribable and overwhelming, because once she whispered those three little words, there would be nowhere to hide. Her heart couldn’t take another wreck, not another undeserving man in her life. But how could she be sure Nick could be trusted? What could she say to him to make him understand that she couldn’t make the leap, not just yet …

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Not satisfied with her answer, he walked back to his chair, pulling on his jacket. “I will always be on the other side of that door, right? All I ever wanted was to be more than somebody to you … more than just a friend. Not someone to fill your days when you have nothing better to do.” His expression mournfully relaxed.

“Where are you going?”

“I need some air.”

“Stay … can we just talk more about this? I don’t know what you want me to say.” She extended her arms to the side.

“You just said it.” He studies her face, but not like before. His stare didn’t make her feel like the eighth wonder of the world, but rather the biggest jerk on the planet.

“You’ve made up your mind. You don’t need me, Olivia.”

There was a lump that formed in her throat that prevented her from talking. She had promised herself after Dario that no other man would ever see her cry, so she held on to that lump until Nick disappeared through the door, leaving her all alone.

Did they just break up?

Then, she realized it wasn’t even her place.

T
here is something to be said about the light, how it can seep through the smallest cracks. Even when you believe it’s not possible, the tiniest of light can brighten the sourest of souls. When it’s gone, the lack of its presence is so visible, you wonder where it could have gone or how you were able to let it slip away,
Mr. Universe wrote.

Olivia sat in the shadows, haggard in her chair with a cup of coffee at hand, her eyes fixed on the morning light filtering through her drapes. The light made her think of Nick. Then again, everything these days made her think of him.

“The most important thing you need to know about art is the light and shadow; you need to know the value. It’s what gives the composition depth and movement,” he’d told her one afternoon while a hauntingly beautiful Peruvian folk tune played on the old radio. He looked directly at her. Under his gaze was where she desired to thrive forever. She felt something undeniable stir within her; there was something more going on than she liked to admit. She was aware of the easy way he moved his body, the way his heather gray T-shirt fit in all the right places. The way his expressive eyes wandered all over her when he thought she wasn’t looking. She never felt so alive and content than she did sitting across from him in his white studio, under the natural light. This was what Nick Montgomery had done to her.

“Are you even listening?”

She liked it when he was serious with her, how she missed the lines that formed just above his eyebrows.

“Light and shadow … got it.” Olivia smiled shyly. If Nick only knew she had this desire to eliminate the space between them and let her barriers fall. The unsettling way she wanted him surprised herself.

But Olivia never considered herself forward. She was never the kind of girl that went for it, just throwing caution to the wind and playing it where it lay. She believed there were real consequences for everything she did. After all, hadn’t she learned enough from her past mistakes?

“What’s the matter with you?”

“What?” She coolly diverted her eyes elsewhere.

He studied her for a moment before continuing mixing the paint.

“I don’t know … you seem a little distracted?”

“No.” Her voice went up a notch.

He brushed his hair out of his eyes. “Is there something you wanted to say to me?” Nick Montgomery had a way of seeing right through her when others simply saw around her.

“I … I was wondering … when can I start to paint?”

He smiled, but she detected there might be a hint of sadness behind it. “Patience, little grasshopper.”

He placed his hand under the natural light coming in from the window above them.

“Now pay attention. Before you begin any work, you need to know the basics. You need to understand light or lack thereof. See where the light hits my hand?” His soulful eyes found hers. “The closer to the light my skin is lighter, and further away my skin is darker.”

Olivia was an illustrator, but never painted before. Watching Nick, she suddenly had the urge to do so. Luckily, she had a reluctant teacher to show her. She didn’t know what it was at that moment she found so endearing. Maybe she saw something in him that she recognized in herself. That gleam of some joy of finally having an undeniable connection with another human being, having someone to share what you passionately loved. It made her wonder if Nick had been lonely too.

Nick had made a space for her in every which way of his life, even in his studio. He had prepared a corner with a new easel and paint brushes, including her very own set of keys. Nick said it was a healthy alternative to indulging in her nicotine urges. He once explained that painting for him was very therapeutic, that was when he was at complete peace within himself. She wondered what he would say if he knew she sparked that pack of cigarettes she carried with her and smoked each and every one of them on the last day she saw him.

It was difficult to forget a man like Nick, especially when he was always there when she needed him. Olivia once told him that she was so scared for her father, and she remembered how he held her quietly before whispering, “I know, love.” Only three simple words, but it was comforting to have someone to understand and be there when life regularly caused her to fall.

He did everything to prove himself, gave her every reason to trust him. When she didn’t get the designing position, Nick was the first to show up at her front door with a container of Hägaan Daz. He had built her up, gave her a shoulder to cry on, and yet she kept a safe distance from him. It was a shame her heart got startled so easily.

She marveled at the way Nick Montgomery came into her life, so close with ease. He came through the holes, turning everything cold and bleak into something bright and beautiful. She never thought it would be possible, the boy who grew up in Griffin town and wore a lame T-shirt and Converse high-tops in the snow; who worked at a bar at night so he could paint during the day; who got excited about light and darkness; who came into her life unexpected and quietly and was gone before she had time to recognize what exactly she felt for him.

Last time Olivia saw Nick was over a month ago when he left her in the dust, drowning in her pride. She would never have thought she would miss him so profusely … but now she understood the significance of light and darkness. Nick Montgomery shone his light her way. Without him she was living in the absence of light.

Olivia got up to open the drapes, allowing the glow begging to be let in to shine over her. Below, she watched the people come and go, cars and trucks driving by, but it was a gray truck that caught her eye. A smile crossed her face. Nick was parked outside her apartment. At first she watched him fiddle with something in his truck bed. With one swift movement, he pulled out a red bicycle. She frowned.

“What is he up to?” she whispered to herself.

She quickly pulled on a sweater from her closet, slid on her shoes, and took a quick glance in the mirror before going. When she got down to the street level, she found Nick standing by his truck, surprised to see her outside of the building.

“Hey,” he said as if nothing had passed between them, closing the door of his truck.

“What are you doing here, Nick?” She swaddled her sweater tightly around her body and stepped onto the sidewalk to where he stood balancing a bike in each hand.