The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya (5 page)

Yesterday was August thirty-first, and today was September first.

According to my newest memories, there had been an SOS Brigade study session in my room on the last day of summer vacation. I recall being completely exhausted. When you consider the amount of effort it took to copy all the notes in one day, I can’t even imagine how much effort it would have taken to do the work on my own. I can guarantee that my vitality, energy, and spirit gauges were so low when I fell asleep last night that a single little punch would have taken me out.

Yesterday Haruhi came up to my room carrying the mountain of homework she had already finished, gave a look of disdain to Koizumi, Nagato, Asahina, and me, scribbling away with our pencils, and ended up playing with my sister the whole time.

“Don’t copy word for word.”

Haruhi was playing video games with my sister in the room, and she continued talking while jamming away at the controller.

“Like reword stuff and tweak calculations. The teachers aren’t a bunch of idiots. Yoshizaki, the math teacher, is especially tricky. He pays extra attention to those things. Though in my opinion his own solutions aren’t very elegant.”

My room already felt cramped with five people plus my sister, and then my mother kept coming in with juice or lunch or snacks to make it feel even more crowded, but Haruhi, unlike the rest of us, who were engaging in so much wrist movement that carpal tunnel was imminent, appeared to be having a pretty good time. She had such a relaxed smile on her face. The smile you see higher-ups flash at lesser beings. In fact, Haruhi was so relaxed that she started giving Asahina, who was a grade above her, pointers on the essay she was struggling with. If Asahina gets a C on her report it’ll be Haruhi’s fault….

And with those memories firmly lodged in my mind, I got out of bed.

Today was the beginning of a new term. I think.

I’ve never been so glad to see the second term begin.

After the principal’s speech in the gym and a shortened homeroom session, school was over. The current date was September first. I knew this because Taniguchi and Kunikida gave me such condescending looks when I asked them for the date when we were in the classroom.

The vendors and cafeteria weren’t open today, so Haruhi had gone off to the snack shop outside the school gate. Koizumi and I were the only ones in the clubroom.

“Suzumiya excels both academically and athletically. I would assume that’s been the case since she was a child. Which was why she didn’t consider our summer homework to be a burden at all. And there was no chance that she would ever think to share the workload with friends. Since Suzumiya is fully capable of finishing the work by herself.”

As I listened to Koizumi’s explanation, I drew a metal chair next to the window and looked down at the schoolyard. Today was the first day of a new term, so I could have just gone home, but somehow, I ended up coming here and found myself joined by Koizumi. The most unusual thing was the absence of Nagato. She didn’t let it show, but she may have been tired.

There’d been a shift in the local cicada populace from
Graptopsaltria nigrofuscata
to
Meimuna opalifera
. Summer vacation was over. That much was certain. However—

“Hard to believe it was real. That we experienced the second half of August fifteen thousand–plus times.”

“It’s only natural to feel that way.”

Koizumi flashed a cheerful smile as he cut the deck.

“At this point we don’t share any memories with the incarnations from the fifteen thousand four hundred ninety-seven other loops. They do not exist on this time axis. For we, the members of the fifteen thousand four hundred ninety-eighth time, were the only ones able to return to the normal flow of time.”

However, I had been given hints. The repeated sensations of déjà vu, especially the ones at the end, may have been gifts from our predecessors. Should I even consider them predecessors, since time was more or less a merry-go-round, like those tigers that ran in circles until they turned into butter.

Still, I am here right now because of the ones who underwent those two weeks before us. I have to look at it that way or their summers, erased by Haruhi, would have been for nothing.

Especially the 8,769 incarnations who knew they were being reset.

“How about some poker?”

Koizumi was shuffling cards like a novice magician. Guess I might as well humor him.

“Sure. What are we playing for? Don’t have any money on me.”

“No betting, then.”

And naturally, when it didn’t count, I scored an insane win. The first time I’ve ever seen a royal flush.

If I ever get an opportunity to redo this day, I’ll remember to place a bet.

The cultural festival was over, and I found myself in a state of despondence as we entered the tail end of November.

Director Haruhi had been pretty out of control during the filming, but the movie itself performed well enough at the screening. So I figured she would be satisfied and behave herself for the time being, but there was no change in her energy level before, during, or after the cultural festival.

However, our school didn’t provide enough activities to keep the wheels in Haruhi’s mind spinning on a regular basis. The only event that had come up since was the election for student council president. To be honest, I was getting nervous about Haruhi’s decision to run for the office, but it appeared that Haruhi had formed the odd impression that the student council was the sworn enemy of minor student associations, so she wasn’t interested in infiltrating their organization and taking over as the mastermind who pulls the strings in this school conspiracy.

In fact, she was more interested in taking down said mastermind—if one even exists.

They’ve been kind enough to pretend that the SOS Brigade, a mockery of a student association, doesn’t exist. Haruhi should have been more appreciative and understood the position we were in, but instead, she was geared up to fight. Though at the moment, I had no idea how she intended to fight them.

However, my expectation-slash-premonition was completely off the mark, as the next challenge didn’t come in the form of assassins sent by the student council.

It came from our neighbors, seeking vengeance.

All I could see was the dark expanse of space.

It was as dark as if I’d wandered into the Horsehead Nebula with a blindfold on: there wasn’t a single speck of starlight to be found. Quite frankly, this might be just a half-assed attempt at drawing a background. And here I was, hoping for some kind of flashy special effects. Well, I’m sure that even the empty void of space has its own concerns to deal with. Something along the lines of budget or technical/time constraints.

“Can’t see a thing.”

I muttered to no one in general. My display’s been showing a black screen the entire time. I have to wonder if my monitor’s broken.

As I pondered my current location in deep space, a dot of light appeared on the bottom of my empty screen and began to advance, forcing me to comment.

“Hey, Haruhi. Shouldn’t you stay back a little more? Your flagship’s a little too far up.”

Haruhi’s reply came as follows.

“Operations Officer, address me as ‘Your Excellency.’ As chief of the SOS Brigade, I hold the same rank as a general field marshal. I’m top dog here.”

I didn’t even get a chance to make a wisecrack about her use of “Operations Officer” and “Your Excellency” before someone else spoke up.

“Your Excellency, Intelligence Officer Nagato has reported that the enemy armada is behaving suspiciously. Your orders?”

Koizumi delivered his status report and Haruhi gave her reply.

“It doesn’t matter. We simply charge!”

A typical Haruhi order, but nobody would ever follow it. Hell, nobody did, since we all knew that a frontal assault would get us torn apart like the Takeda cavalry at Tanegashima.

Asahina had a worried look on her face as she raised her hand.

“Um…What am I supposed to do…?”

“Mikuru, you’ll only get in the way, so have your supply fleet go off somewhere else, since I’m not expecting anything from you. Kyon, you join Yuki and Koizumi in taking out their vanguard. And then I’ll deliver the coup de grace. With style!”

I really want somebody to stop her.

I looked back at my monitor to check on the position of my fleet, part of the SOS Brigade Space Force. The fifteen thousand vessels under my command, dubbed the by Haruhi, were currently advancing toward the front lines in a position directly behind the ☆
Haruhi
☆
Fleet>. The was flanking mine, while our consistent and steady bastion the was way ahead of us, scouting enemy movements. When I looked around for the , which included the supply ships, I found that her shaky operation had left her lost from the beginning of the battle.

“Wah—Which way am I supposed to go?”

Asahina was practically squealing in bewilderment as she bumbled around like usual.

Any direction works. Just chill behind us, please. These ships may only exist on a screen, but I still don’t want to see harm done to something with your name on it.

Suddenly the monitor before me began to display a number of changes. Data from the scouts of had been linked to my fleet. My screen, originally a black void with the exception of the symbols marking allied fleets, now displayed the positions of the enemy units Nagato had located.

“Stay back, Haruhi,” I said. “They’ve split their armada. I’m guessing that they’re searching for your position. The boss should behave accordingly and stay in the back lines.”

“What did you say?”

Haruhi puckered her lips as she objected.

“You’re going to leave me out of this? That’s not fair. I want to get in there and fire beams and missiles like crazy too!”

I ordered to advance at a brisk pace.

“Listen up, Haruhi. If your flagship is taken out, we lose. Look. The four enemy fleets rushing us are all chumps. The flagship and its fleet are giving orders from the rear. Do you send your king rushing into the enemy when playing chess? Especially when it’s the beginning of a match?”

“Well…you have a point.”

Haruhi had a sullen look on her face with a tinge of bruised ego. Her eyes were locked on me as though she were a cat asking for food.

“Well then, you guys take care of it. Find the enemy flagship and bombard away. We can’t lose to these punks. We’re absolutely going to win. Defeat will ruin the SOS Brigade reputation. And most important of all, I wouldn’t be able to stand them lording it over us!”

“Your Excellency.”

Koizumi immediately made his report.

“Intelligence Officer Nagato’s has engaged the enemy vanguard. We will soon be entering battle. I must humbly request that Your Excellency withdraw to the rear and provide the entire force with tactical leadership.”

His voice sounded serious enough, but the smile on his face made it hard to believe he was sincere.

“Oh, really?”

Haruhi seemed to be very pleased by Koizumi’s not-very-subtle attempt to suck up as she sat down in the brigade chief ’s chair with her arms crossed. The look on her face was what you would expect from a young officer straight out of the academy who’d been placed in charge because of his rank, despite his inability to provide strategic leadership.

“I’m willing to listen to the advice of Chief Officer Koizumi. Well then, work hard, everyone. Turn those impertinent computer society freaks into riddled, smoldering smithereens. Our goal is total annihilation. We’re going to smash them.”

I suppose that her being motivated to achieve total victory is a good thing, but she shouldn’t forget that our opponents wanted this battle in space. Our enemy, the computer society, probably has the same aspirations you do.

And from what I’ve seen, the SOS Brigade’s chances of winning were worse than the chances of the Imperial Japanese Navy at Leyte Gulf. There are no ifs in history, but assuming that you reran the scenario with equal numbers and equal forces on both sides, the IJN still would have gotten their asses handed to them. Shouldn’t we just raise the white flag already?

“Well, guess we can’t really do that.”

I rolled up my sleeves and checked my screen again for intelligence on the enemy. Nagato’s delivered again. She’s provided us with data on the positions of virtually every enemy unit, with the exception of the flagship fleet. The responsibility for leading our

forces to victory rested upon my shoulders, or, namely, upon my intellect and ability as the so-called operations officer.

What to do?

“Well…then.”

I stared at the flickering LCD screen on my notebook computer as I tried to come up with a plan for producing the result desired by Commander Haruhi. But first, I should probably explain our current situation. When you reach a crossroads in life, it’s usually beneficial to sort out your thoughts before you confuse yourself. That’s what I’ll do.

It all began a week ago.

After school one autumn day.

It was a few days after the cultural festival ended, and peace and quiet had returned to the school.

That’s a fairly generic introduction. Long story short, everything was back to the way it was before the festival, and I probably wasn’t the only person grateful that it had ended without incident.

Though to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t say for sure, since they never tell me what they’re thinking, but Koizumi’s smile seemed a little relieved and the absence of any expression on Nagato’s face seemed to reinforce my belief.

In any case, I’ve begun to regard the sight of this reading machine with her head buried in a book as a symbol of peace on Earth. If I were to catch sight of Nagato behaving oddly or making a fuss, that would be a sign that I needed to write either a will or my memoirs, since it’s more or less a given that nothing can happen that Nagato didn’t expect. If she’s sitting in the literary club room reading a foreign science fiction novel, that’s solid proof I won’t be waking up to a horrifying nightmare anytime soon.

Meanwhile, the beautiful girl who was from the future, despite being entirely clueless about the past, and who served as a pseudo-maid, was once again fully dressed in the attire of a domestic helper for no purpose at all and earnestly making us some steaming hot Japanese tea. I have no idea how Asahina learned the correct water temperature for the different types of tea leaves, but she’d stopped using the hot water dispenser and switched to boiling water in a kettle on the portable gas stove. She held a thermometer in one hand. Pretty sure this is the only place you’re going to find a girl from the future dressed like a maid who’s intently staring at a thermometer that’s stuck in an open kettle. And I had a feeling she was doing it wrong, but if I started trying to name everything that was wrong, I’d probably end up finding that there wasn’t anything in the SOS Brigade base that wasn’t, since everything here is out of whack. The only thing normal in this room would be my awareness of my own existence. I take my hat off to Descartes.

What was once the literary club room was now an alternate space that served as headquarters for Haruhi Suzumiya and her gang. The fact that I’ve managed to hold on to my sanity must mean I’m someone special. On second thought, I was the only one here who didn’t have a bizarre background, and the very existence of our brigade chief, Haruhi, was an enigma in itself. Something’s wrong when I’m the only person with any common sense in the group.

Four crazies versus one straight man. That’s not very balanced. Shouldn’t there at least be one other person to share this mental strain? Besides, it’s not like I enjoy playing the straight man. There are times when I’d rather not. I would gripe about the unfairness of having to shoulder this burden on my own, but I didn’t particularly want to get Taniguchi or Kunikida involved in this. Not because I’d feel bad for them, but because they just aren’t up to the task. I doubt they have the vocabulary or reflexes to stand against Haruhi. Come to think of it, the two of them are a bit nutty like Tsuruya. Damn it all. Crazy is the new way to go?

“Hmm.”

I crossed my arms and began moaning as if deep in contemplation. It wasn’t that I was having trouble figuring out what my next move should be in the game of Go I was playing with Koizumi. It wasn’t very difficult to surround and take the majority of Koizumi’s black stones. Don’t put me on the same level as Koizumi, the board game fanatic who’s horrible at everything he plays. No, I was considering if this world was actually sane, since I’ve reached the conclusion that you have to be insane to survive in an insane world. The normal ones will find themselves gradually losing their sanity. You have to admire how I’ve managed to endure the SOS Brigade clubroom, a vortex of the irrational and absurd. It’s about time somebody praised me.

“Then shall I offer you words of admiration?”

At least Koizumi had the form of a master as he placed his stone on the board and removed one of my white stones. He could play with the best of them, but he didn’t notice that it would only be a matter of time before his move came back to haunt him.

“I’ll pass.”

That was my response as I dipped my fingers into my bowl of stones and shuffled them around, gauging what seemed to be a sincere expression of admiration on Koizumi’s face. It failed to bring me any joy, so I continued in a lethargic voice.

“It wouldn’t feel good coming from you. I’ll just end up worried that there’s a catch somewhere. Just to be clear, I’m not a pawn in your game. If you expect me to act the way you people want, then you’ve got another think coming.”

“I can’t help but wonder which one of our factions your statement is referring to, but you have it all wrong. You and Suzumiya have been completely unpredictable every step of the way. My presence here would be proof of that.”

If Koizumi had never transferred to this school, Haruhi would never have recruited him to be a member of the SOS Brigade. She was never interested in Itsuki Koizumi’s gender, personality, character, or appearance. All she cared about was the fact that he was a transfer student. He was pretty much screwed after transferring to this school at an unusual time of year. Or maybe he transferred here on purpose to get closer to Haruhi. Yet considering how he happens to be one of those espers Haruhi is looking for, his situation would be akin to that of a person living next to radioactive material and having to constantly worry about a Chernobyl that can’t be predicted. It’s possible that he actually wanted to stay as far away from her as he could.

“In the past, perhaps.”

Koizumi stared at the Go stone in his hand.

“The original plan was to observe her from a distance. Thus, I was terrified when Suzumiya first came to see me and brought me to this clubroom after school. And then she announced that our goal was to find aliens, time travelers, and espers and have fun with them. I could only laugh.”

Koizumi sounded a bit nostalgic as he reminisced.

“But it’s different now. I may have started off as an enigmatic transfer student, but that description no longer applies to me. I’m sure that Suzumiya agrees.”

So what? You’re still an enigma as far as I’m concerned.

Koizumi looked around the clubroom, stopping at Nagato, reading in the corner of the room like a cat that prefers narrow places, before moving on to Asahina, still staring intently at the kettle, and finally returning to me.

Haruhi wasn’t around. She was on classroom cleaning duty. Otherwise, Koizumi and I wouldn’t be relaxing here and having a leisurely conversation.

So we were sitting around the clubroom without the brigade chief present, and Koizumi was smiling the way an experienced veterinarian would smile at an injured small bird.

“Nagato, Asahina, me, and you, of course. We are all sanctioned members of the SOS Brigade. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m sure that’s how Suzumiya feels about it.”

Is there a point in judging if someone is more or less than a member of the SOS Brigade?

“Absolutely. Extraordinary entities such as aliens and sliders would be worth more. Ordinary humans who aren’t brigade members would be worth less.”

So Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, and my sister would all be worth less than brigade members? Not that I’m trying to defend them, but it would pain me to think that they’re worth less than I am.

“The logic is simple. If Suzumiya considered them important, they would be here with us right now as fellow members. Their absence shows that Suzumiya doesn’t consider them important. She values them as much as a random ordinary person walking by. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty.”

“What about sliders? None have showed up yet?”

“In hindsight, I would say that none currently exist in this world. For if any existed, he or she would inevitably have been summoned to this room by chance.”

“That’s a good thing. I’m not interested in running off to an alternate dimension.”

As I placed a white stone on the board to eliminate a considerable number of Koizumi’s pieces, all but assuring victory, a teacup was placed next to the Go board.

“I’m sorry about the wait. Here’s your tea.”

Asahina was standing next to us with a smile you’d expect to find on a coach who had led a scrappy Little League baseball team to a regional championship.

“I bought these Karigane leaves for the first time. I think I was able to brew it well…It was expensive, though.”

It is a travesty that you have to pay out of your own pocket. You should ask Haruhi to reimburse you later. Well, it really isn’t necessary to splurge on tea leaves. Even tap water, once graced by Asahina’s hands, would taste better than Evian mineral water.

“Hee hee, drink it slowly.”

It was clear that Asahina had become accustomed to wearing her maid costume as she placed a teacup in front of Koizumi before turning to gracefully carry the tray with the remaining teacup over to Nagato.

“…”

Nagato showed no reaction, just as always, but it appeared that no reaction was less of a strain on Asahina than an actual expression of gratitude. I have yet to see the SOS Brigade alien and time traveler engage in a friendly conversation. Actually, I’ve never seen Nagato have a pleasant conversation with anybody. Well, I guess that’s fine. It’d be scary if Nagato suddenly started jabbering away, and a waste if she turned into another Haruhi, who just needs to shut up.

If someone never talks and doesn’t make any trouble, we should keep it that way.

After spending some time playing Go and sipping my tea, I could almost forget about the evil in this world. However, this pedestrian moment of peace didn’t last long, as trouble, afraid of being forgotten, has a habit of rearing its ugly head on a regular basis.

There was a knock on the door. I looked up at the scratched, cheap door and steeled myself. For what? The four brigade members who weren’t Haruhi were currently lounging around the clubroom. And Haruhi would be the last person in the world to show manners and knock on the door. Which meant that the person on the other side wasn’t Haruhi or another member of the SOS Brigade, but an outsider. No idea who it was, but I could use my masterful powers of deduction to conclude that he or she was bringing us some kind of mess to deal with. See Kimidori a few months ago.

“Yes, coming right away!”

I could hear Asahina shuffling toward the door. She’s become so used to this routine that she no longer questions why she’s acting like a maid. Is that…a good thing?

“Ah?!”

Asahina apparently saw someone unexpected after opening the door. Her eyes were wide open.

“Welcome…P-please come in?”

Asahina took two steps back as she covered her chest with her arms for some reason.

“No, I’ll stay out here.”

Our visitor sounded a little nervous as he stuck his head through the doorway and looked around the room.

“The brigade chief isn’t around, huh…”

The speaker, who was unable to conceal the relief in his voice, was the leader of our neighbors, the computer society president.

No one else made a move, so I had to serve as the receptionist. Asahina was frozen in place, Koizumi was simply smiling at the upperclassman, and Nagato had yet to look away from her book.

“How may we help you?”

He’s an upperclassman. I should probably show some respect. I stood up and stepped in front of Asahina in a semblance of shielding her. Hmm? The computer society president, standing right outside the doorway, was followed by a cluster of male students who seemed to hover, like a bunch of ancestral spirits that were haunting him. What’s up? It’s the wrong time of year for a vendetta attack.

The president appeared to relax upon seeing that I was the one