The Real Katie Lavender (43 page)

‘This isn’t right,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t be feeling this way because of me.’

He didn’t speak.

‘I’m the cause of making you so unhappy, so it seems only fair that I should be the one to resolve the problem.’

He turned to face her again.

‘It’s simple,’ she said. ‘I disappear. I go back to Brighton and you forget all about me. You tell Gina and Rosco and Scarlet that I no longer exist.’

‘But you do exist. I can’t un-know you.’

‘I’ve always existed in your head, and always will, but as for knowing me, that’s only been for a few months. And you haven’t got to know the real me, have you? There hasn’t been time.’

‘I want to, though.’

‘You can’t. To do that you have to make too great a sacrifice. And I won’t let you do that.’

‘But—’

‘No,’ she said, cutting him off. ‘I can’t bear to see you like this. So unhappy. It’s making you ill. I won’t be responsible for that.’

He blinked. ‘I don’t want it to be like this.’

‘Nor do I, but I should never have come. It was wrong. I was angry, though. Angry at Mum and Dad for keeping something like this from me. I was angry with you as well – the unknown man who hadn’t cared enough to come and find me. Somebody very clever once said that whatever begins in anger ends in shame. And I started all this because I was angry.’

‘You must never think that I didn’t care. I did. And I care now.’

‘I believe you do, but the thing is, it’s not going to work, is it? I know that and you know that. It’s why you wanted to meet me here today. You needed to tell me you couldn’t see me again, didn’t you? For the sake of your family and your grandchild, you have to be rid of me.’

He swallowed and pushed his hand through his hair. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘Even though it’s the truth?’

He lowered his head. ‘I didn’t think I could feel any more ashamed, but I was wrong. I feel utterly ashamed and unworthy of you. At least now you know you’re better off without me.’

Katie didn’t want to hear any self-pity from him. Her tone brisk, she said, ‘I’m glad we met, but now it’s time for us to resume our lives as they once were. Don’t worry, you won’t hear from me again. You must assure your family of that.’ She cleared her throat. ‘This is supposed to be a time of happiness, the birth of your first grandchild, and I can see that I’m spoiling it for you.’

He looked genuinely pained ‘What about Lloyd?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, you and Lloyd.’

She hesitated. But then forced herself to go on. ‘As from now, there is no me and Lloyd.’

‘You can’t just end it with him.’

‘Yes I can.’

‘But Katie, that’s not—’

She cut him off again. ‘That’s none of your concern. Now please, let’s just get this over with. Let’s say goodbye. And before I change my mind.’

‘I . . . I can’t.’

She opened her arms. ‘A last hug. Come on.’

‘I can’t do this.’

‘Yes you can.’

He did as she said and hugged her tightly. On the verge of crying, she released herself from his hold. ‘Thank you,’ she said.

‘But what do I tell Cecily and Pen?’

‘Tell them whatever you want. I can’t do everything for you. Goodbye.’

There were tears in his eyes.

She walked away.

And kept on walking.

She didn’t look back.

Long after Katie had left him, Stirling stood looking at the river. He stared at the same spot with the intensity of a man hoping it held the answers to all of life’s mysteries. He stared and stared. Not seeing. Not really thinking. Just staring.

Eventually, when the surface of the water was disturbed and the silence shattered by a cruiser chugging by, he shook himself out of his trance-like state. When the boat had gone, he put his hand into his pocket and took out his mobile. He held it for a moment and then raised his arm and threw it into the river. Now Simone wouldn’t be able to text or ring him.

Retracing his footsteps to where he’d left his car, he waited for a sense of relief to settle on him. After what he’d done, wasn’t that his due? He had kept his bargain with Rosco and done what his family wanted. He had eradicated Katie from their lives. They could go back to how things used to be. Just as they wanted. Just as
he
wanted. Because deep down he wanted it too. He wanted the simplicity of his old life back.

Maybe it would take a day or two before he felt any relief, he pondered morosely as he unlocked his car and got in. Settled behind the wheel, he thought back to Thursday, to that dreadful night when it had all become too much for him.

Too much for him
. What a colossal understatement that was! It had been like an earthquake inside him when he’d broken down. As though the very ground beneath him had rumbled and shaken and then ripped apart, dragging him down into a hellish place of dark pain. At the blurry faraway edge of his consciousness, he’d been aware of Gina holding him, of her wanting to help him.

The depth of her compassion since that night had touched him. Yesterday she had fussed around him constantly, insisting he stayed in bed and rested. She had wanted to call a doctor, but he had put a stop to that. Instead he had let her call the office to say he wouldn’t be going in to work, and screen his phone calls. She had put his mobile and laptop out of reach. The only call she had allowed him to take was the one from Cecily. Which was when – and when Gina had left him alone – he had spoken to Katie.

This morning at breakfast – having refused to stay in bed any longer – he had told Gina that he was meeting Katie later that day. She had cried when he had explained the reason why. Her only comment was to suggest that he speak to Katie on the phone, that he might find it less painful. ‘No,’ he’d said, ‘it’s the least I can do. I have to do it face to face. I owe her that much.’

But when he’d been face to face with Katie, he’d been a coward. He’d stood back and allowed her to decide things. What kind of a father did that? What kind of a man had he turned into? He was cowed by his shame, sickened at what he’d done and by what he hadn’t done.

Whatever begins in anger ends in shame
, Katie had quoted to him earlier. Benjamin Franklin had said it. The man was right. Anger had brought Stirling to this point. Anger had made him use Katie as a weapon against his family the day of Neil’s funeral. And anger had propelled him to Oxford and Simone’s bed.

But none of this was about his feelings. It was about the feelings of his family – Gina and Rosco and Scarlet. And little Louisa-May. He had to stay focused on that. He had promised Rosco he would do the right thing. The thing that he’d known all along in his heart he had to do, to make up for betraying Gina, not just with Fay thirty years ago, but with Simone.

How was he ever going to justify his actions to Cecily?

Gina was on the telephone in the kitchen when he arrived home. ‘It’s Charlie,’ she mouthed at him.

He went out to the garden, taking the key to the boathouse with him. Brian, their gardener, waved to him from the other side of the garden, where he was raking the grass. From an age ago, Stirling recalled him mentioning something about the need to tackle the moss situation. When he thought about it, it was only last week that they’d had the conversation. He had a vague recollection of Brian being quite insistent on the matter, as though their lives depended upon it. Maybe in Brian’s world moss wasn’t the insignificant thing it was to Stirling. Especially now.

He’d got as far as putting the key in the lock of the boathouse door when he heard Gina calling to him. He turned and watched her hurrying across the lawn towards him. From a distance she looked as young as the day they’d first met. Simply but elegantly dressed in straight-legged jeans and a white blouse with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, a pale pink cardigan draped over her shoulders and a string of pearls around her neck, the sight of her caught in his throat. She was still a very beautiful woman. Better than he deserved. The thought reverberated in his head, crashed against the very same thing he’d said to Katie about her. It was what he’d thought about his baby granddaughter as well. He didn’t deserve any of them.

‘How did it go?’ Gina asked breathlessly. There was none of the combative hard edge to her voice that he had grown accustomed to hearing of late.

‘It’s done,’ he said flatly. ‘You don’t need to worry about Katie any more.’

‘It’s for the best,’ she said. ‘You know that, don’t you? Look how ill it was making you. You couldn’t go on as you were.’

‘Yes,’ he said. He had allowed her to think his breakdown was due to losing his brother and Katie showing up and disrupting the balance of their lives. In a nutshell it was true. ‘You’re right. I couldn’t go on as I was.’ He swallowed. ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a poor husband to you.’

‘I know of far worse husbands.’ Her voice was soft, almost tender. There was a sadness in her eyes, and new lines of strain and tiredness around them.

‘I’ll try and make it up to you,’ he said.

‘You have already. By doing what you’ve done. That’s enough for me.’ She put a hand to her necklace and played her well-manicured fingers lightly over the pearls. ‘I know it wasn’t easy for you, but now we can put it behind us and move on. Can’t we?’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘That’s what I want to do. I want to put it all behind us.’

She smiled. ‘Do you think you’re up to a little family get-together? With Scarlet and the baby leaving hospital and going home today – that’s what Charlie was telling me on the phone just now – it would be nice to have them over for lunch tomorrow. Charlie’s parents as well. And Rosco, of course. I just think we should celebrate our granddaughter’s arrival, especially now that she’s well enough to leave hospital. How do you feel about the idea? I’ll keep it low-key. You won’t have to do anything.’ She was treating him as if he was an invalid.

‘It feels symbolic,’ he said.

‘Perhaps that’s what we need. What we
all
need.’

A party to jolly us all along, he thought. Never before had he felt less like being jollied along. ‘I think it’s a great idea,’ he lied. ‘Just what’s required.’

Her smile widened. It pained him to see how keen she was for his approval and how easy it was to please her now. ‘Excellent,’ she said, shifting the cardigan around her shoulders. ‘I’ll make some calls and go to the supermarket and then get cracking with the preparations.’ She turned to go, but hesitated. ‘By the way, did you have something to eat whilst you were out?’

He shook his head.

‘Do you want me to make you a sandwich?’

‘I’m not hungry.’ He turned the key in the lock of the boathouse door and pushed it open.

‘If you change your mind, there’s plenty of bread and some of that applewood Cheddar you like in the fridge,’ she said. But again she hesitated. ‘What are you going to do? You’re not taking the boat out, are you?’

‘I thought I might. Or is there something else you’d rather I did?’

‘No. I just want you to rest. I don’t want you tiring yourself.’

Her consideration and the gentleness in her voice sliced through him. ‘I won’t,’ he said.

It wasn’t until she was safely inside the house that Gina lowered her guard and dropped her act of calm composure. Exhausted, she leant with her shoulders against the wall between the conservatory and the kitchen, and tipped her head back. Her heart was beating too fast and her whole body felt jittery. She was light-headed too. She had expected to feel relieved – maybe even a little triumphant – at the news that Stirling had finally done what she’d wanted. But she didn’t. It was a hollow victory. There was nothing victorious in seeing Stirling in the state he was now.

But he would get better. She would help him to recover. They would work as a team. Just as they always had. He may have been the financial brains of their marriage, the one with the business acumen, but she had been there every step of the way with him. She had given him her absolute loyalty and unswerving support at all times. There was no reason why it couldn’t be like that between them again.

Feeling stronger and more in control, she stepped away from the wall. Tea. A nice cup of Assam tea to settle her jittery nerves. That was what she needed. She filled the kettle and put it on the Aga, careful – as she’d been ever since Thursday night – to avoid looking at the spot where she’d found Stirling on the floor. It was akin to trying not to look at the scene of a road accident.

She didn’t think she would ever forget how frightened she’d been that night. She never wanted to go through an experience like that ever again. That wreck of a man hadn’t been her husband. That man, who she’d helped upstairs and put to bed – in their bed – had been a stranger. Even now, he wasn’t his normal self. He was the shell of the man he’d once been. Worse, it was as if he was trying with excruciating effort to go through the motions of pretending to be Stirling Nightingale. In turn, she was playing her part, pretending to be calm and sure and strong, but all the while terrified that she would find Stirling huddled on the floor again howling like a wounded animal.

She had got no sense out of him that night, other than him apologizing over and over for everything he’d put her through, and she’d lain awake in bed beside him wondering what on earth had taken place between him and Rosco.

The next morning, and while Stirling was still sleeping, she had phoned Rosco. He’d been on his way to meet a client in Worcester and when pressed he had admitted that he had argued with Stirling and that it was a private matter. ‘A private matter?’ she had repeated. ‘Is that a euphemism for a fight? What kind of a private matter would reduce your father to the state I found him in? And how could you leave him like that?’ She had been so cross with her son.

‘How is he now?’ Rosco had asked.

‘He’s asleep. But it’s good to know that you are at least concerned.’

‘Of course I’m concerned,’ he’d said.

‘Then tell me what happened.’

And Rosco had, explaining that he had gone to Lloyd’s the evening before and found that Katie was staying with him, that apparently they’d been seeing each other for some time now, and not as cousins. He had gone on to say that Lloyd had said that Stirling had known about the relationship all along. ‘It was the fact that he was keeping it from us, Mum, that made me so mad,’ Rosco said. ‘I’m sorry, but I was so furious I went to have it out with him. I guess it was the straw that broke the camel’s back,’ he added. ‘But Mum, I confronted him about it because I was angry, not only for me, but for you and Scarlet. I couldn’t just stand back. I hope you can understand that. By the way, has he said anything about what he’s going to do with regard to Katie?’