The Restoration Game (12 page)

29/11/79 Trains home to Greenock for Hogmanay. Laden wi presents for Mum, Dad, and the weans. Also washing. Papers full of Afghanistan. All so fucking right-wing and hypocritical I have to fight down reflex to side with Russia. So take a deep fucking breath, Stewart, even the CP has condemned the invasion. Reading more of Conquest's book on train sort of helped to get a perspective.

Anyway
…dear future reader (hopefully moi) big news personally is that the other night at party in the Broughton Hilton I met this amazing lassie. Amanda Stone. Yank, with Eng. (?Scottish? does it make any diff?) arist. ancestry. Total knock-out, long reddish (?word? ask sis or poof bro) hair, great figure, bonny bonny face, lovely smile—christ the Yanks have good teeth. Spent half the party talking talking talking, then finally—don't know how, wish I could remember—we went to bed. Spent the last couple days in bed wi her

Fuck me. So to speak.

Wanted her to come through and see the folks, but she politely backed off that, said she had distant rellies in Ed. to spend NYr with.

Forgot to say, found her opening old brown envelopes from our hall table, cool as cuc. when challenged—impressed. Something to bear in mind for future ref, nudge nudge. Not ready yet to tell her about the Five Cities Journey. Came close once—blame Cairds for that, spiked my fucking Tennents with vodka.

Will raise with the cdes when I get to know her better Lkng fwd to that (the getting to know her).

1/1/80 Woke to the new decade about 4 in the afternoon with a humdinger of a hangover. Blame it on the Whyte & Mackay I shared wi the pater when I tottered in abt 5 a. fucking m. last night. He's no taking the redundancy v. well but at 47 he is not exactly in with a shout down the Job Centre. (Even with the Professional Register, him being—having been—a draughtsman.) Nor is he impressed that poof bro (after bailing from the nursing two years in) is now training at Watt Coll. to be fucking makeup artist. I tell Dad the lad'll have a decent chance of a job anyway, better than the yards or factories. Long gloomy discussion abt Maggie, Assembly vote fiasco, et fucking cetera.

Had great time while out tho'. Kicked off after the bells (and the Bells) first footing: Morrisons, Doyles, wee Mrs. McClintock, then hit the serious drinking party's over at Ray's. Talked a bit to Helen, she is well over me and I her but I made a point of mentioning Amanda. Then fell in to long chat wi Cairds. Made point that spiking drinks was something of a no-no esp. considering we were putting him up that night. He laughed & said “Well, it worked on yon American bird,” which I thought was out of order but let pass. Cairds then tells me abt new job he has, down in London: driving longhaul container lorries to all over the Continent. As per usual the wee schemie's come up wi a wee scheme all his own, and it's a doozy: hash smuggling from Turkey, using bales of pressed dates or dried fish or the like in the return freight as cover, throw the sniffer dogs off the scent etc. Told him he was fucking mental, asked him if he'd ever seen
Midnight Express.
“Aye,” he says, “yon boring one about the gigolo in New York dying of TB or whitever? Sent me to sleep, pal.”

Sometimes I think the lad is beyond help.

6/1/80 Back in Ed. Tomorrow, back to the old grindstone chiz chiz as molesworth sa. Flat fucking freezing. Colin back too. Couldn't face cooking (leave aside washing the plates, they're mouldy—note to self: buy Sqezy from paki 1st thing tomorro) so we got in a chinky which we ate from the tins then C. settled down to homework while I hoofed it up to the Southsiderfor informal mtng of the cdes in the snug.

Presnt: Moira, Jack, Stef, and y.t. Stef has been home (i.e., grandparents’) in Gd'k for Xmas and shared his obs on the 2 Gd. towns. Workers in the yards have fried fish and shot of vodka for bkfst! Understandably cagey (Moira being a bit too close to the NUS Euros to be entirely rlbl) but gave us to understand that another big expl is due any time. The 2 K. orgs lflts well rec'd etc. Jack has done the accounts and says funding and docs for nxt 5 Cities run near complete.

I talked abt A. in v. general terms without mentioning her name or ident. dets. Stef said worth cultvtg as long-term contact with regard to as he put it “dropping a package down the shaft of the Death Star.” I pointed out also lang. skills v. useful, also in on acad. connections. Noted.

With regard to the Death Star itself, Stef 's quite elated about Afghan entanglement bcos: (a) opens people's eyes after years of detente nonsense (good laugh over Carter's speech) and (b) pins down the Galactic Stormtroopers and (he says, tho' I think he's being a bit overoptimistic as usual) makes classic ‘56 and ‘68 vintage D. S. response to coming big bang in his homeland v. diff.

AOB: Extra copies of
Labour Focus
and
Critique
to be ordered for stall.

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16/1/80 Stroll through Meadows to The Links wi Stef, told him about A. Stef wary as usual but said he'd check her out re background, any poss. connections with Imp. Intell (this code has caught on amongs cdes) or for that matter Reb. and/or Jedi. Didn't ask how he'd do this but he's always come up with the goods. S. v. excited re possibilities tho'.

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2/2/80 Met Stef at Milne's abt. 7:30 last night—had arranged for A. to turn up at 8. She found us app. on 1st pint (actly 2nd) and deep in conv. Stef made to go but she said “take it easy guys” and pounced on latest
LFocus
which Stef had at his elbow. Quick flick through it, article on Sverdlovsk Helsinki Group appeal got her talking. Then listening to Stef as he did his usual spiel. (I've seen him do this as non-pol chat-up, to the point where was waiting for him to “slip up” and answer q. abt. where he was from with “various places” and it came through right on cue.) After abt half an hour he left us to it. Plan was to give her general outline but no op. details and nothing about personal inv.

A. obviously intrigued but made me bit uneasy wi questions.

Later when she'd gone to sleep I realised what it was made me uneasy. It was like there was something she wanted me to get involved in and didn't want to tell me about just yet. Which is ex. what tune I was playing to her!

Maybe she is a Jedi Knight. hah.

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10/2/80 Stef said today to pull back from recruitment re A. I told him quite reasonably (in circs.) that I felt I'd been fucked about and A. no doubt would too. S. says that can't be helped, word from on high is that she's got good long-term chance of placement inside D. Star and would be as he put it “wasted on skirmishes with the X-fighters.”

Fuck. that leaves me wi a lot of backpedalling and downclimbing.

14/2/80 Dropped slushy V. card in A.'s on way in to Uni. When saw her just after 5 she gave me big smooch and seemed to have forgiven and forgotten recent awkwardness. Stayed off touchy subjects and intend to do so henceforth.

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8/4/80 Just back from 5 Cities Journey. This time it was Ed., Lond., Amsterdam, Berlin, and W. Fucking hairy. Van was searched more thoroughly than last time (Pg viaVienna). But got through OK. Int. point: instead of journals, main cargo was shrink-wrapped bricks of $$$.

Told A. beforehand was going on impulse Easter trip wi some pals. Tonight told her all except final leg of journey (i.e., to and from W).

27/5/80 Still not decided for def. if going to take Honours. Grant is OK for the year but need more dosh (i.e., I can get by fine on a grant but Mum looking worried abt. need to have more coming in). Also on that side of that balance: got v. favourable reply from Ferranti to off-chance enquiry re job. Well chuffed.

Informal visit set for tomorrow p.m.

28/5/80 Well! Skipped p.m. Biz Stud lecture, dashed to Broughton Hilton, scrambled into suit (Oxfam, just fits) clean shirt and tie, polished shoes. Down to Crewe Toll site for visit. Shown around by Mr Shaw, mgr in Radar Systems. Great stuff, big projects, liked the guys on the floor, v. pulchritudinous secretarial totty as well it must be said. Shaw says big new def. contracts coming through, lots of opport. for bright young chap like self, laid it on a bit but sincere. Looked over my prov. CV in his office, frowned a bit over Lab. Students on “extracurricular ac” section but I assured him I had no prob. with def. work, not in CND or anything like that, seemed satisfied. Shook hands and said he really hoped I'd cons. ser app., said no real benefit doing Hons. bcos prac. exp. counts for more in the biz.

Walked out feeling v. heady and stopped out of sight of offices for fly puff to steady the old legs before heading for bus stop. Totally fucking gobsmacked to see Cairds in container lorry turning in thro' gates. He spotted me and jumped out as soon as parked. Said he's still working from Lond., driving for elec. parts co. based in Hayes, Middx next to EMI.

Asked him how his smuggling racket is going (for a laff) and he got v. quiet and ser. and said there's a lot more and safer stuff to do than Turkish blow. Like what? says I. Computer chips, he says. Even defective ones (junked and dumped out back) change hands for good money in W. Germany and Austria, obv. traded on to points East.

Fucking hell.What a bam.

Anyway A. well plsd when I told her abt job offer.

30/5/80 Awkward conv. wi A. Started when for a laff told her abt Cairds and his schemes (obv. not in detail, just general smuggling). She got v. uptight at this point. Told me that smuggling is against the law. I said I was well aware of that but so what. Cue ear-bending abt importance of law.

I pointed out that she smokes blow and how does she think the shit gets into the country and by the way it's illegal too.

Cue further ear-bending from A. whereby she admitted that smoking blow was hypocritical on her part but that it was private (and she wasn't actually buying the stuff, just accepting a toke when offered) whereas smuggling was in the public sphere or some such guff and that what really bothered her was my open contempt and cynicism about the law, which she somehow managed to link to what she called my “deprived background” and “that typical Brit working-class resentful attitude which doesn't actually help anyone, especially those who have it.”

That was when I blew it. Told her I'd broken the law loads of times and not just wi smoking blow. Told her abt. 5 Cities Journey. (Still stayed cagey abt. op. details.) She was not as I'd expected all admiring of my bold actions but instead well pissed off I hadn't let her in on it. Esp. re Easter trip, said I'd lied to her

I said I hadn't, I'd just not told her whole truth. Also, was for her own protection.

Let's just say this last item didn't help matters.

Next step in escalation was when I said I'd wanted to bring her in but Stef had vetoed, for her long-term, “Uh,” I said.

“Usefulness?” she asked.

Well you could put it like that I said.

At which point she storms out.

2/6/80 A. still not answering phone.

4/6/80 Angry letter from A, in which she said a lot of very unfair and

[After a blank, the letter is reproduced, with the address blanked out by a corner of paper. The letter is dated 6-3-80, i.e., in the American format—LS]

Dear Ross,

Our conversation yesterday has given me a lot to think about. When we met last Xmas we hit it off so well that I really thought you might be the one. (You have never said anything to that effect to me, by the way.) I really, really fell for you and you didn't notice. But what's worse than that is that you seem quite prepared to lie to me “for my own good.” We've had lots of good times but for me the issue of trust comes very high on my list of important things in a relationship.

I have put up with your slovenly habits, laddish friends, the casual sexist and racist slang that keeps cropping up in your conversation, your ignorant aspersions on the subject of my studies, and the loudmouthed left-wing rants that you keep inflicting on me. (Believe me, I do understand your sincere belief that your Labour Party brand of socialism is diametrically opposed to Soviet totalitarianism but I can't help but feel a shiver at the naked class hatred you so often see fit to display.)

All of these I can take. What I can't take is that you, behind my back, and evidently in some detail, discuss with your buddy Stefan R. whether or not to let me in on the activities you have also been conducting behind my back. And that he (I guess from what you said) has been checking me out. The issue is not that I don't trust you, it's that you so obviously don't trust me and are quite prepared to look at me in a very cold and instrumental way.

I used to love you so much, Ross.

I'm sorry but that's it. Don't try to contact me. I will be polite if we meet but that is all.

Regards

Amanda S.

[blank]

1/7/80 Started new job at Ferranti.

5/8/80 Ka-boom! Shipyards occupied in Gdansk and Gdynia!

Christ, this could be it. Fucking great to see all our work paying off at last.

[Blank for over three years, going by the dates]

2/12/83 Laid off. You'd think one benefit of having a new Cold War would be reliable work in defence, but seems not. Shit.

2/1/84 Greenock is a total fucking dive these days. Clyde's so clean you can fucking fish in it. Dad's hanging grimly on as a minicab driver Poof bro is doing well in the great world of Condé Nast glossies but worried sick about AIDS.

Long conversation with Cairds, up from London for Hogmanay. He now has his own business (rents the rigs) and travels as far as Turkey, Yugoslavia, and Hungary. Told me he has a vacancy for a long-distance driver and can sub me for HGV licence course. (As well as put me up on sofa till I find accom.) Got him aside and asked him if he was still doing anything dodgy, esp. in relation to cross-border E. Europe stuff. He said it's a fucking gold mine out there. Forget about drugs, man, you can dae serious time for that, and why take the risk when there's real money in tech and porn one way and caviare the other?

Ah, fuck it. I'm up for it.

Going down to Lond on 15.

10/1/84 Ran into Stef at Milne's. Haven't been on any trips since ‘80 (job got in the way) but he gave me to understand it's actually easier these days. Dark Side guards just in it for the dosh now, they don't believe in it anymore (if they ever did). Told him abt my new job, suggested we keep in touch. Agreed. Phone numbers exchanged (Cairds' for later, mine for now. Stef has one of the new mobile phones, lugs it around in briefcase).