The Road to Her (17 page)

“Can I come in?” Elise asked tentatively.

I paused. “Sure.” My voice was quiet.

She came slowly into my room, shutting the door behind her and leaning against it, looking awkward.

“I’m glad I’ve seen you,” I said, running my hands wearily through my hair. “I wanted to explain about yesterday afternoon.”

“That’s why I came to see you,” Elise said. “To find out what that was all about.”

“It was just something I had to get sorted,” I said vaguely. “And I did get it sorted.”

“Okay,” Elise said, not sounding convinced.

“And…and…well, I’m sorry I left in such a hurry,” I muttered. “I was gonna text you last night but—”

“You didn’t.”

“No.”

“Who was the girl?” Elise frowned. “Ex?”

“Yup,” I said.

“You sure were keen to get her away from our table,” Elise said, watching me and chewing at the inside of her lip.

I thought for a moment, unsure how to answer. “Mm.” It was the best I could come up with. Just then my mobile rang on the table next to me again, making my heart jump and beat wildly. I glanced down at it and saw the same number that had rung just before flashing up at me—Grace’s number. I stared down at it, willing it to stop ringing.

“You can get that,” Elise said breezily. “Don’t mind me.”

I snatched up the phone and switched it off, flinging it into my bag angrily. “It was nothing important,” I said, as Elise looked surprised.

“Her?” She asked.

I nodded.

Elise bent her head and looked up at me. “Wanna talk about it?” she asked. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look as horrified as you did yesterday when she turned up,” she said slowly. Elise hesitated. “We should talk about her,” she said. “If you’re stressed it’ll affect your work. That, in turn, would affect my work, and so I think we probably really do need to talk.” She pulled herself away from the door and walked over to me, then leant over and took the arms of my chair, turning me around so that I was now facing her. “Open up to me. Tell me about her and we can make it better together,” she said, crouching down in front of me, gazing up at me with concern.

“You don’t have to make anything better,” I said meekly.

“Yes, I do.” All the while she spoke, her eyes never left mine. “I want to help you, Hol.”

“Where do I start?” I said, breaking the gaze and staring down at my lap.

Her hands were still on the arms of the chair as she crouched by me. She was only a few feet away, our faces close. I could feel the tension rising between us and bit at my lip nervously, wanting to pull away but not being able to.

“Start with telling me about your ex,” Elise persisted, putting her hand on my leg, running her thumb over the material of my jeans. My skin prickled under her touch. “She really freaked you out when she turned up out of the blue like that, didn’t she?”

I couldn’t look at her. She never took her eyes off my face, but I knew that if I looked back into those beautiful, persuasive blue eyes, it would tear me apart.

“Seeing her again after so long was a total headfuck, yes,” I mumbled. “And the stuff she’s been saying to me lately, too.”

Elise watched my every move and expression. “Such as?”

“Just…stupid stuff.” I ignored her question, desperate to change the subject so that Elise would stop looking at me like that. “Do you fancy going back to King’s sometime?” I suddenly asked. “It was neat, last time we went.”

“You’re changing the subject.” Elise gave a small laugh.

“I know,” I said. “So? King’s?”

“When?”

“Tonight?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.” Elise stood up.

“It’s okay.” I shrugged shyly.

“Only because I’m going out with Stig tonight,” she said quietly. “Any other time…”

I saw a hint of something flicker across her face. What was that?

“Oh.” I tried to hide the disappointment from my voice. “No matter.”

“It’s all arranged,” Elise continued. “I can’t really cancel, I’m sorry.” She hesitated. “Although I’d much rather go out with you, to be honest.”

Our eyes met.

“Would you?” I asked, not taking my eyes from hers.

“I would, yes,” she said slowly, her face flushing slightly.

My heartbeat quickened. “Things not going so well?” I asked, as lightly as my thudding heart would let me.

“Things are fine.” Elise nodded, more to herself, I think, than me. “I just, well…” She took a deep breath. “Never mind.”

We looked at each other a moment longer before I broke eye contact first and turned in my seat to busy myself gathering my belongings together, just for something to do. “No worries,” I said, trying to keep my voice sounding normal. “There’ll be other times.”

“I hope so,” Elise said, standing up and making for the door. “So are we good?”

“We’re good,” I said.

“And that really is everything?” She watched me over her shoulder, one hand on the door handle. “There’s nothing else bothering you?”

I looked at her, thinking about how she’d been crouching in front of me just before, and the achingly lovely, caring look on her face when her eyes had searched my face for an answer. I remembered the feel of her breath on my face, her immediacy, her closeness, the touch of her hand on my leg.

I thought about everything she’d said to me in the cafe the day before, about how she thought I was kind and nice, and then what she’d just said about Stig and how she’d rather be seeing me tonight rather than him. I remembered the look on her face when she’d said it; it had been a look of intensity, of longing. Did she want me like I wanted her? She wanted to see me tonight, not Stig. She did! She wanted me, not him.

Courage swept through me.
She did.
She definitely wanted me. I could see it in her eyes, the way she was standing, the way she was looking at me. She was pulling me towards her, urging me to come closer.

“No, it’s not everything,” I said, quietly. “I’ve something else that’s been bugging me for ages.” Looking her right in the eye, I got up from my chair and walked towards her, my breath coming faster now, my heart beating madly in my neck, feeling giddy with confusion and longing. If she walked out that door now, I knew I’d never do what I’d wanted to do for weeks.

“As in?” Elise looked confused.

“As in this…” I reached over and, putting my hands on her shoulders, pushed her softly against the door and kissed her, slowly at first, but when she didn’t pull away, harder and longer.

The feeling of her lips on mine was all I’d dreamt about over the last few weeks, and I totally lost myself in her, in the feel of her softness, in the taste of her. Just as she began to kiss me back, the hint of her tongue brushing against mine, making the backs of my knees turn to jelly, she pushed me roughly away, looked at me strangely, then turned and left my dressing room without a word, slamming the door behind her and leaving me standing there, utterly stunned.

My lips tingled from the pressure of hers on mine, my tongue still tasted hers. I groaned and pinched my eyes tight shut, pressing my lips together slowly, tasting her, remembering.

What the hell had I just done?

Chapter Fifteen

I didn’t have to wait long for Elise to come and find me. I was sitting in the green room, hugging a cup of coffee, waves of nausea hitting me each time the door opened, expecting it to be her. I wished I could have hidden myself away in my dressing room, but Bella had settled herself in there with a sandwich and the daily paper, and the last thing I wanted or needed was to talk to Bella, so I was forced to retreat to the green room and just wait.

I was sprawled on a chair, a music magazine on my knees that I wasn’t even reading, when she eventually entered the room. I watched her as she came in, looked, and then practically froze to the spot when she saw me. Without saying a word, she walked over to the other side of the room, occasionally glancing at me as she did so; I was alone in there apart from Rory, the guy who played my on-screen dad, who was fiddling with his phone in one of the other corners.

The silence was unbearable. I was glad Rory was there, so I wasn’t alone with Elise, so that I could delay having the toe-curlingly awkward conversation that I knew we’d have to have, sooner or later. I watched her from the corner of my eye, sitting over by one of the windows, turning her phone over and over in her hands, just staring into space.

Finally, after what seemed like ages but was probably only around five minutes, Rory got up and headed for the door, muttering an “All right?” to me as he passed.

My heart sank.

“We need to talk.” The second he left the room, Elise came over to me, putting her hand on the arm of my chair and leaning over me, her low-cut top revealing more than I felt able to cope with right at that moment. “About what just happened.”

“It was a mistake,” I lied, staring up at her and willing my eyes to keep looking at her face and not at her cleavage, which seemed to be taunting me from inches away. “Sorry.”

“A mistake?”

“I misinterpreted the situation,” I said numbly, desperately trying to read her mood but not wanting to stare at her.

“You make a habit of kissing your co-stars?” Elise spoke in hushed tones, her eyes darting to the door.

“No.” I paused. “I thought you liked me. I obviously got it wrong.”

“You girls seen Rory today?” We both flinched as the door to the green room suddenly flew open and Stuart came in. He fished his BlackBerry from his pocket and punched some numbers into it without looking up.

“Uh, he was here just a second ago,” I said. My voice sounded reedy and nervous as I sensed Elise still looking at me.

Stuart jerked his head in acknowledgement of what I’d just said and put the phone to his ear. “I’ll find him. Cheers.” He turned and left the room, talking loudly into his phone as he did so.

“Why did you do it?” Elise asked, the second Stuart had left the room.

“Because I wanted to.” I stared up at the ceiling, desperate to avoid eye contact with her. I tried to move, but Elise’s hands were back on the arm of my chair again, effectively pinning me down.

“You wanted to?” Elise repeated.

“For ages, yes,” I said. I looked at her. “Didn’t you realise?”

“I…I,” Elise stuttered. “No, of course I didn’t.”

“All the looks?” I said quietly. “I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you for ages! How could you have not known?”

Elise’s expression immediately changed. It was one that I hadn’t seen from her before. “Ages?” she repeated, her voice catching. She stood up straighter. “I didn’t know.”

“I thought you might have felt the same,” I said. “Bearing in mind how you’ve been with me, the things you’ve been saying to me lately.”

“About?”

“About how I’m kind and nice, like Jasmine,” I said. “And that you could see why Casey would fall for someone like me.”

“I meant that, too,” Elise said. “But—”

“And the fact you responded when I kissed you just now,” I said hesitantly. “Even though you pushed me off. Why did you do that, Elise?”

“I didn’t respond.” Elise sat on the arm of my chair and ran her hands through her hair. “Or, at least, if I did, I didn’t mean to. That’s why I pushed you away, because—”

“I felt it, Elise,” I interrupted. “I didn’t imagine it. You wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss you.”

“Well.” She paused. “It can’t happen again,” she said. “I like guys. You know I like guys.”

“But do you, though?” I looked up to find her looking straight back at me. “I didn’t get that impression when you were kissing me just now.”

“You know that I like guys,” Elise said carefully. “The
public
thinks I like guys. I’m photographed—”

“The public
thinks
?” I butted in.

“Knows.”
Elise emphasised the word. “Every magazine article you read about me talks about
sexy Elise
or
blond Elise
,” she said. “It’s what the public expects.”

“And because you’re quoted as being sexy and blond that has to make you a man-eater, does it?” I scoffed. “Get real!”

“Please, Holly. Don’t push it, yeah?” Elise lowered her voice. “I don’t know what you imagined, but it was wrong.”

“Stop talking about the public and about magazines and shit like that!” I said. “And I didn’t imagine it. I know the difference between a scripted kiss and a real one. You meant it. You really meant it.” I looked at her, still sitting on the arm of my chair.

“I can’t do this.” Elise slowly shook her head.

“What?” I looked up at her.

“This,” Elise said. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to tell me that I didn’t imagine what just happened in there,” I said.

“I can’t be with you like you want me to.” She hesitated, looking at me with a mixture of confusion and frustration. “And I can’t tell you that I like you.”

“I think that you do, though,” I said. “You haven’t denied it, and the fact you’re still sitting here tells me you want to talk about it.”

Still she looked at me.

“Just admit it,” I said, knowing that she was close to saying something.

“And what if I do?” Elise replied.

“What? Do like me?” I persisted, a knot forming in my stomach.

“Mm,” Elise said. “It changes nothing.”

“Really?” My heart sank.

“How many actors do you know that are out and proud?” she suddenly asked.

“Plenty!” I said. “Elise, there are loads of gay actors out there.”

“And how many are women?” Elise asked. “I saw it all the time in Hollywood. Once they find out you like women, that’s it. I don’t want that for me.” She turned and looked out the window. “I don’t want to be labelled
that gay actress
. I want to be labelled on my merit, not my sexuality.”

We stayed silent for a few seconds, each of us processing. “I like you, Elise,” I finally said when I couldn’t bear the silence any longer. “A lot. I can’t just switch that off.”

“When I said to you I thought you were like Jasmine, I wasn’t lying,” she said slowly. “I think you’re really nice and I
do
like you—I like you a lot. You’re the kindest, most sweet-natured person I’ve ever met, but I don’t know if that means I like you like
that
.”