Read The Royal Treatment Online

Authors: MaryJanice Davidson

The Royal Treatment (22 page)

BOOK: The Royal Treatment
10.24Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads
Chapter 33

“D
avid?” She opened the door, grimacing at the smell. “You in here?” She walked inside, trying to ignore the penguins, half of which had stopped whatever they were doing to stare at her. Ick. And that weird-ass Picasso, the one that looked like a bar floor after the drunks overindulged. Double ick. What had Bill Gates been thinking? “Helloooooo? I’m going buggy writing thank-yous and wanted a kiss. And possibly a quickie. Dave?”

Nothing. Well, shit. She backed out of the room, never taking her eyes off the weird birds. She shut the door, turned, and nearly fell over the penguin that had somehow snuck around and gotten outside the room.

“Ack!” She skipped clumsily to avoid stepping on it, lunging a few feet to the side and fetching up painfully against the wall.

It stared at her.

She opened the door.

It stared at her.

“Go back inside, now.”

It clucked. Was it hungry? Thirsty? Preparing to attack?

“Okay, go inside now.”

It totally ignored her.

“Fucking thing,” she muttered.

It clucked louder.

“Sorry.” She edged a few more feet to the left. It followed her. She edged faster. It followed faster. “Quit that, now. Quit. Quit! Stop it! Help!”

 

C
hris came rocketing around the corner, nearly knocking David off his feet. She grabbed him like a life preserver and said, “It’s after me, it’s after me!”

“What? Who? Is Kurt—”

“No, fool! It’s coming to eat me or kill me or whatever! It’s like a Terminator with wings—it won’t stop!”

David looked down in time to see a young penguin just past its first molting hurry around the corner. “For heaven’s sake, Christina, you shouldn’t let them out. They—”

“Am I not speaking English, King Dumb-ass? It stalked me! It tricked me and snuck out and now I can’t get rid of it. It’s after me!”

He tried very hard not to laugh. It was obvious from her wide eyes and flushed face that she was not remotely amused. “I’ll take care of it, Chris. Don’t—” He coughed into his fist and prayed she wouldn’t notice his watering eyes. “Don’t be frightened.”

She peered at him suspiciously. “Are you laughing at me, buddy boy?”

“No.”

“You better not be.”

“I love you,” he said spontaneously. It was getting a bit easier to tell her each time. She never laughed, at least. Not about that. In fact, she claimed to love him in return.

“Why?” Still suspicious.

“Oh, several indefinable reasons.” He kissed her on the nose.

“Yech, get a room.” They turned to see Kurt smirking at them. He was wearing khakis, loafers without socks, his shoulder holster, and a T-shirt with the logo
I’M A GOOD THING.
“Or at least a palace. What’s up, royal dudes?”

“Christina is making friends,” David said.

“Very funny. I’m glad to see you, Kurt. Can you take care of it?” she asked, gesturing down to the penguin, which had edged closer while they talked.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked doubtfully. “Shoot it?”

“For heaven’s sake,” David said, before Christina could incriminate herself. “I’ll take care of it. Kurt, make sure she doesn’t get into any more trouble.”

“Got a hypo of Thorazine?” he called after David, who laughed in reply.

“Well, well,” she said, still annoyed. “Aren’t you two best pals these days.” Actually, it was kind of nice…gone was the underlying resentment and me-Tarzan-she-Jane vibe the men would give off whenever they were in the same room.

“Aw, he’s a good guy.” Kurt lowered his voice. “I feel sorry for him, you know. What happened to his dad, and then that big-ass promotion. And, of course, being married to you. When it comes to talking to Parliament and visiting orphans, you’re not what I’d call an asset.”

“Well, we both appreciate you staying around, asshole. David even said so the other day.”

Kurt shrugged. He was more relaxed than she could recall seeing him, and he and Princess Alex were getting quite chummy these days. He appeared to be in no rush to return to L.A. She was glad. Alex had confided that he lingered because he still felt guilty about the king getting shot. It was a bad reason to stay, but a good man was staying, so it worked out. Sort of.

“What are you doing here, anyway?”

“Jenny sent me to get you.”

“What a slave driver! I just wanted to take a break from interminable thank-you notes.”

“Yeah. She said you left four hours ago.”

“It’s a big palace,” she said defensively. “I was looking for David again.”

“Excuses, excuses. Come on, I promised Jenny I’d drag you back.”

“Who exactly
is
in charge around here? Because it isn’t me.”

“Ask Edmund,” he suggested, and walked her to the elevator.

Chapter 34

“R
eally?” David asked for about the hundredth time. “It’s not one of your, um, unusual jokes?”

“For the billionth time—it’s not a joke.”

“Really?” He grinned.

“Yes, David. Good work. I’m not joking about that, either. I mean, whoof!
Good
work. Yum.”

He slung an arm around her hips as they walked down the hospital corridor. They had talked briefly to the press outside and, in a tit for tat, the press had stayed outside. Tension was still high, but the country hadn’t imploded or melted since David assumed the crown, so the press and pundits had adopted a wait-and-see attitude.

As for today’s goings-on, she and David had been summoned to the king’s hospital room by an urgent call from Princess Kathryn.

“That’s—I can’t believe it. I really can’t.”

“Then you haven’t been paying attention to the extent of our extracurricular activities, Penguin Boy. Or should I say Penis Boy?” Then, a little nervously, she added, “Are you—do you mind? I mean, do you like it?”

“Are you kidding? It’s wonderful news.” He chortled. “Edmund’s going to have kittens!”

“Thanks for a truly disturbing visual—oh, here we are.” They walked into the private room, where Dr. Sarett and Princess Alex were waiting for them. “Where’s everybody else?”

“Nicky’s got riding lessons—I didn’t want to interrupt. I know Dave wants the kid’s life to stay as normal as possible under the circumstances—the other Alex is touring a new battered-men’s shelter, and Kathryn is meeting with the COCS.”

Christina giggled. The Coalition of Cruise Services had the worst acronym ever. She knew it was immature, but hearing it out loud always slayed her.

David went to his father, straightened the blanket, and kissed the man’s forehead. He didn’t look deathly ill—in fact, David was paler. King Alexander merely looked like he’d fallen asleep after a hard day. Possibly one where heavy drinking was involved. “Is there news, Doctor? My sister said it was urgent.”

“Well. I don’t know that it’s what you’d call urgent…” Weeks of frequent meetings and medical updates with the royal family had helped him loosen up a bit. He still dressed too stiffly for a doctor; Christina imagined hospital administration insisted he wear a dark suit under his lab coat, and his mahogany-colored shaved head gleamed under the fluorescent lights. He’d be downright scrumptious, she thought, if he’d lose the big, clunky glasses and switch to contacts. His brown eyes swam behind the large lenses, making him look constantly near tears. “It’s definitely promising, howev—”

“He’s starting to wake up!” Princess Alex interrupted. “He talked!”

“No way,” Christina said, utterly flabbergasted.

“Way, my queen. He said ‘ham and…’ That was it. Like ham and eggs.”

“Dr. Sarett, how many times do I have to tell you? It was salmon. My dad’s a fisherman. Trust me, wherever he is in his head, he’s thinking about fish, not eggs.”

“What happens next?” David said.

“Well, we’ll keep monitoring him closely, of course, but his brain waves are already shifting and he does appear to be—”

“English, remember,” Alex warned.

“It’s like he’s in the deep end of the pool, and he’s swimming toward the shallow end.”

“That’s awesome!”

“Yes, Your Majesty. Her Highness thought you and the king should know right away.”

“Her Highness knows her shit.”

“Awwwww,” the princess said mockingly. “That’s so nice.”

“So, can we hang around and wait for him to wake up?” Chris asked eagerly.

“Your Majesties are welcome to wait, but it could take him another month to come all the way back. However, studies have shown that comatose patients can hear and even see—you’ve noticed his eyes open occasionally—so if you’d like to speak to him, it might facilitate—”

Christina bent until her mouth was level with the king’s ear. “Hey, dickhead! Your kid knocked me up! So rise and shine, because I’m not doing this by myself! Now get up before I put my foot up your lazy ass!” She straightened and cleared her throat. “How’s that?”

Dr. Sarett’s eyes were bigger than usual behind his glasses. “That will probably do the trick, Your Majesty.” He clutched the king’s chart protectively to his chest. Chris and Alex grinned at each other, each imagining the notes the guy was going to add later. David merely looked pained. “Congratulations, by the way,” the doctor added.

“Yeah, that’s so great, you guys!” Alex hugged Christina, then grabbed her brother and squeezed him so hard he gasped. “When did you find out?”

“About ten minutes ago,” David said.

“This morning,” Christina said. “The stick was blue. But chill out, we’re not telling the planet for at least another couple weeks.”

“Boy,” the princess said, impressed, “you guys didn’t waste any time. Honestly, David, I thought you were a monk or something.”

“Ha!” Christina chortled.

“I’m not having this discussion,” David said.

“Thank Christ,” King Alexander II said.

Chapter 35

S
he opened the door of Allen Hall and spotted “her” penguin at once; it was getting disgustingly fat. She really had to stop sneaking up here and feeding it. Just because David told her it was an orphan didn’t mean she, like, had to bond with it or anything.

“Hey, guess what, Fred?” she asked as it came toward her as fast as its nonexistent legs could carry it. “Al woke up! Isn’t that the coolest? Now…”

She crossed the room, opened the feeding closet, rummaged, then grabbed a bucket of fish out of the fridge. “Okay,” she said, turning back, “I can’t give you the whole bucket this time, because that book of David’s I read said too much wasn’t—”

The door to Allen Hall opened, and in came Edmund. Carrying a bucket.

He saw her and started in surprise.

Best defense: good offense.
“What are
you
doing here?” she snapped.

“Surely Your Majesty has greater demands on her time,” was his frosty reply. Fred had totally forgotten about her and was now hopping up and down in front of Edmund.

The two-timing little creep!
Fred. Not Edmund.

“Perhaps I should bring this up with the king.”

“Which one? Never mind. Look, let’s just put all our cards on the table, all right? I won’t tell if you won’t, okay?”

“…as you wish.”

“Yeah. Consider that, like, a royal command. Or something.”

Edmund reached into the bucket, withdrew a smelt in his long, white fingers, and dropped it. Fred made it vanish. “Or something, yes, ma’am.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, but all he did was look innocent (as much as he could, anyway) and keep feeding Fred.

“All right, then,” she said at last.

“Her Majesty is quite right,” Edmund said suddenly. “They are inordinately smelly birds.”

“And annoying.”

“Can’t even fly.”

“Can’t keep them full!”

“All in all, quite aggravating.”

“Okay, so we’re agreed.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay. Well, ’bye.”

“It’s merely that I felt the king regent had enough demands on his—”

“Eds—don’t even bother.”

He sighed and dropped another smelt. “Yes, ma’am.”

 

“N
ow don’t get me wrong, Al—”

“Oh, man, here we go.” The king was sitting up in his hospital bed, wolfing down green Jell-O. His hospital gown kept slipping, revealing formerly tanned skin that had paled during his hospital stay. “All aboard for the ingrate train.”

“—because I’m glad you’re awake and all—”

“I’ll bet,
Queen Regnant
Christina.”

“—but cripes! Talk about a heart attack! I nearly fell out the window.”

“You were nowhere near the window. This Jell-O sucks. Somebody get me a steak.
Two
steaks.”

“No steaks for you, Coma Boy. Not for a while, at least.”

“No steak, my ass! Who’s in charge around here?”

“Neither one of
us,
I’ll tell you that much.”

“Congratulations. Once you realize that, you’re ready to be queen.”

“No, thanks. Did you see David? He aged about twenty years in six minutes.”

“Cry me a river. Kid’s gonna have to suck it up again sometime…longer than a few weeks, too.
God,
this Jell-O is terrible.”

“Stop your whining.” Christina raised the shades and squinted out at the sunny day. “So when can you start running Alaska again?”

“I dunno. Doc says I’m here for at least another week. And I could use a vacation.”

Christina nearly fell out the window again. “Vacation! You’ve been asleep for almost two months!”

Edmund rapped discreetly and crept into the room. Al and Christina stared; Edmund never crept. There were rumors that he snuck, but he’d never been caught. “Good afternoon, Your Majesty. Your Majesty.”

“Oh, come
on,
” she groaned.

“I feel your pain, my queen. But technically you’re still co-regent until Parliament relieves you.”

“And they can’t un-king
me
,” Al said with a remarkable lack of smugness.

“The queen of England is here to see you, Sire.”

“Uh-huh. Pull the other one. And get me a steak. And find out when I can go fishing again. And where’s the mail? I can at least go through my mail while I’m trapped in this cotton hellhole.”

“No mail!” Chris said loudly. “You’re supposed to take it easy. Believe me,
believe me,
no one wants you up and around more than I do. But you gotta do it slowly. By the way, stay away from animal tranquilizers in the future.”

“Yeah,” the king said dryly. “I hear they make me sick.”

“King Alexander, Queen Christina,” Edmund said loudly, startling them both…he usually slipped away during an argument, disappearing like Batman. “Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth of Great Britain.”

Queen Elizabeth walked in. For a record third time in two hours, Christina nearly fell out the window. Even the king looked stunned; a scrap of green Jell-O clung to his beard and his mouth was open. He hastily adjusted his hospital gown.

“Good afternoon,” the queen said.

“Buh,” Christina said.

“Hi, Liz. Thanks for coming by.”

Queen Elizabeth’s regal brow wrinkled momentarily, then smoothed out. “It is my pleasure, Alex. I am so pleased to see you’ve begun your recovery.”

She was a small woman, surprisingly small, but she stood ramrod-straight in her blue tweed suit. Her hat was also blue, with a tiny veil she could peek through. Her gloves were white, and immaculate. Her shoes were low-heeled, dark, and sensible. Her dark gray hair looked perfect; nothing was out of place. A white purse with a white strap dangled from her forearm.

Her eyes, the color of faded denim, missed nothing.

“This is my daughter-in-law,” Al was saying, “the protem queen of Alaska. Chris, this is Liz. She runs England. ’Scuse me if I don’t get up,” he added, then hee-hawed.

“It’s nice to meet you, Queen Elizabeth,” she said through numb lips. It was extremely nerve-wracking to be talking to the Queen of England, even if she did look like someone’s stiff-and-proper grandma. Which she was. “It was really nice of you to come all this way.”

“The pleasure is mine, Queen Christina.” Elizabeth extended a gloved hand. Christina shook it, wishing she hadn’t chewed off most of her nails waiting for the stick to turn blue. “My son told me your wedding was lovely.”

“He was really nice. It was nice to meet him. It’s nice of you to come visit—I’m sure you’re super-busy.” Was she saying “nice” too often? She wanted to wipe her forehead, but didn’t dare. “You look very nice.” Argh!

“Yeah, Liz, you’re looking good. Y’know, I could use a private duty nurse,” the king leered. Then, “Ow, dammit!”

“I’m so sorry, Al,” Christina said. “Was that your foot? I should have been watching where I dropped your chart.”

“Goddamned right,” the king muttered.

Queen Elizabeth smiled, and Christina could have sworn those blue eyes twinkled at her. “Your Majesty is welcome to Buckingham Palace anytime. I hope you will find time in your busy schedule to visit us.” She cast an appraising glance at Christina’s waistline, which was unbelievably weird, because Chris figured she’d been pregnant for maybe a day and a half. “Although I suspect you’ll have your hands full in the year to come.”

“Yeah, well, maybe we will,” the king said, completely ignoring the fact that Elizabeth hadn’t been talking to him. “Good hunting over there. Maybe we could go to your Scottish place.”

“Perhaps,” the queen said.

“And, uh, sorry about what happened with the dog. But how the hell was I supposed to know it wasn’t a crazed, rabid skunk—
owwwwww!”

“I’m so sorry, Al.”

“I must be going,” Elizabeth said, a tiny curl of a smile tugging at the left side of her mouth. “I do hope you’ll consider my invitation, Queen Christina.”

“Thanks, ma’am. That sounds really nice.”

“I would wish for you to feel better soon, Alex,” the queen added thinly, “but you appear to be back to your old self.”

“Awwww, Lizzie. Don’t be cold. Hop in here with me. I’ll warm you up!”

Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod…

“’Bye,” Chris said hastily, practically hustling the queen out the door. She rounded on the king as soon as the door hissed shut. “I can’t believe you were coming on to the queen of England!”

“She wants me,” the king said, picking the piece of Jell-O out of his beard and popping it in his mouth. “I can tell.”

 

C
hristina checked back once more before retiring to the palace for the night. She wanted to make sure Al wasn’t overdoing, maybe sneaking peeks at one of his bags of get-well cards. She wouldn’t put it past him, but she—they—were all going to be merciless. It was vital he recover fully, and not just for political reasons. They had all missed the big lug, and that was a fact.

But nothing of the sort was going on. Instead, she found Al snoring, and curled against his side like a puppy, also sound asleep, was Prince Nicholas. They looked like Lost Boys who had fallen asleep after a long day of deviling Captain Hook.

In a chair by the window sat Edmund, head back, mouth open, snoring lightly.

Asleep at the wheel,
Christina thought gleefully.
Finally! Proof he’s human! Oh, wait’ll I tell the others!

Christina left them where they were, informed the nursing staff that the prince could stay the night, and confirmed the same with the security staff.

Then she went home to the rest of her family.

BOOK: The Royal Treatment
10.24Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

Quilt or Innocence by Elizabeth Craig
Tattoos & Teacups by Anna Martin
Tormented by Jani Kay, Lauren McKellar
Avondale by Toby Neighbors
A History of the World by Andrew Marr
Finding Dell by Kate Dierkes
Cabin D by Ian Rogers