The Secret Desires of a Governess (28 page)

Tongues would wag once the crimes were made public.

“You mean you won’t!” She gave him her back, her shoulders shaking as she wept. “We’ve lost so much, and now you want to turn me out.”

“Abigail, you know that’s not the truth.” God, he was fumbling around this like the bloody fool he was.

“How can it not be? If you loved me as you professed, you’d ask me to stay.”

“I can’t marry you.” Not right now, he thought silently.

“Of course. I should have guessed. It’s as Martha said.

Good enough to spread my legs for you but not worth my salt as wife.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth! I’m trying to part amicably.”

“I understand. You’re still a scared fool.”

Yes, he was, but he wanted to protect her. And the only way to do that was to let her go. He could not stop the rumors that were sure to spread. If she stayed, he wouldn’t be able to think clearly over the duration of the trial. He wouldn’t stop loathing himself for causing her so much pain and suffering.

He needed time with his son. Time to figure out what the next step in his house hold would be. He’d not have her here when there was so much dust to settle. She could carve a decent path in life for herself. She could find happiness. He excelled in ruining beautiful things, like his pixie governess. He’d cause her no more lasting damage.

She cleared her throat and turned back to him. “You don’t deserve me, Elliott. I have shared myself with you.

My desires, my ambitions, my love, and you throw it away like so much trash.”

He walked toward her, at a loss for words, and folded his arms tightly around her. She fought for him to release her, so he held on tighter.

“Never mistake me, my dear. I have never loved another woman as I love you.”

Her only response was to sob harder, her whole body shaking with her sorrow. “Then why make me go?”

“It’s what we both need. I’m not right for you, Abigail.

You could have the world at your fingertips. You should have that and more.”

“Did it ever occur to you that that’s not what I want?

That I only ever wanted you?”

He tore at his heart asking her to leave. Tore his soul right from his chest where it dangled between the earth and a hot place in hell for the damage he’d caused her. For his inability to protect her. For his failure to save her the sorrow she’d experienced this past week.

He always knew she wasn’t for him. She was better than him. Which meant he had to make her go. She’d understand in time that what he did now was a blessing for her future, wherever she may end up.

“Go home to your sisters, Abigail. They can comfort you when I cannot.”

“Because you will not!” She wrenched herself out of his arms. “I’ll go. But don’t expect to be forgiven, Elliott. You are a coward.”

The barb stung deeply. But he was doing what was right.

She would do well to love another. A man who wouldn’t cause the misery he had. She could find a man not broken by his past.

He needed time alone. Knowing his wife hadn’t killed herself weighed heavily on his conscience, like the weight of a yoke forged into his shoulders by drudgery.

He had to reconcile himself with his past, find another path in life for Lydia. There was too much to do with Abigail here to witness one of his failures after another.

There was no question of her staying. She had to leave.

In killing the disease that had wormed its way into the land, the dragon had freed the oppression clutch-ing deep into the sand. The townsfolk cheered upon the dragon’s victory.

—The Dragon of Brahmors

London

Abby dropped the bag she carried as she stepped through the door of her sister’s home and ran toward her eldest sister.

“I’ve missed you so much, Emma.”

She threw her arms around Emma’s shoulders and squeezed her sister close. Afraid that if she were to let go that a barrage of sorrow and tears would be unavoidable once she faced her sister’s loving gaze.

Emma hugged her just as fiercely. Emma’s hand smoothed over her back. A few tears escaped her anyway.

“Oh, Abby. We’ve all missed you, too. I’m sorry you missed Grace. She’ll be so disappointed not to see you.

Had you written to say you were coming home . . .”

Emma, being the eldest sister, often chastised her two younger ones. It didn’t bother Abby that there was censure in her sister’s voice. Emma was probably hurt by the fact that Abby had only written to them once in the two months she’d been absent from their lives.

“I didn’t have time. I left so suddenly.” And she’d regretted every mile farther from the castle. She should have made Elliott see reason. Made him realize that she would stick by his side even while he went through some of the toughest times in his life.

She stepped away from Emma and chewed on her lower lip. “I have so much to tell you. I’m sorry I lied to you. What a terrible sister I’ve been.”

Emma nodded to her butler to take care of Abby’s things and took her arm to lead her into the privacy of the parlor.

“What has you in such a melancholy mood? You’ve been away from us before.”

“When I lived with Papa. I’ve never been absent from your company for so long. I missed you both fiercely.”

“Hush,” Emma said taking Abby in her arms. “You were only gone two months. We’ve so much to catch up on. Now tell me, when did your friend have her baby?”

Had her sister asked anything else, she could have answered her stoically and calmly as ever. But at the mention of a child— a baby— it was as though a dam broke and let a deluge of tears and sobs flow from her tired and weakened body.

“I’m sorry,” she blubbered. “I’ve done so many things wrong over the months.”

The baby, who should not have survived the bleeding, grew strong in her belly and made her cry at the oddest of times. Hopefully her sister would take the tears for guilt.

“Did . . . did the birth not go well?”

“There was no birth. No friend. There was a child to be certain. I took a job as a governess. I had to leave suddenly that I thought it better to lie.” The words just fl owed from her like a geyser shooting strong and straight into the air.

“What ever have you gotten yourself into?”

“I should have told you before I left, but you were so happy after so many years of being alone that I couldn’t reveal the truth. You would have found a way to keep me here, and I needed to do this for myself.”

What she couldn’t explain to her sister was that she was most definitely in a delicate condition. She’d known about an hour into her trip from Alnwick because she had to have a chamber pot at the

ready in her private car. She’d thrown up everything she’d eaten over the past three days— or so it felt. The movement of the train swaying side- to- side hadn’t helped to ease her nerves or stomach one iota.

The only small relief she’d had was that the sickness had mostly passed when she’d stepped off the train. But for how long would this secret remain untold? How was it even possible for her to be with child?

She wished she could tell Elliott— but how would she get word to him? This was all such a mess.

Her sister was likely to guess in the next month or two as to her condition. For now, she would guard her secret in fear of bewitching her good fortune.

“Don’t fret so, Abby. We’ll talk about everything over dinner if you like. After you’ve had the chance to rest up from your trip home. It’ll be just the two of us. Richard will understand we have much to discuss.”

Abby gave a pitiful laugh followed by a smile. “I’d like that.” Then she hugged her sister again, because she needed to.

“Don’t think you’ll not have to relay your adventures to me. I intend for you to tell me all about your trip up north.”

“I wouldn’t dream of not sharing the experience with you after I’ve had a chance to refresh myself. I feel dusty and all- around unpleasant. A nap may be in order.”

She’d have to tell her sister why she’d come home. Tell her that she’d fallen in love with her employer. Right now, she wanted to be a tiny bit selfi sh and just take comfort in her sister. She had a long road ahead of her filled with uncertainty. But she’d never be alone again.

Ablutions were a slow pro cess. Abby could barely hold herself upright, she was so exhausted from the train ride.

She was surprised to find her sister in residence. The mini season had started just after she’d left for Brendall Castle, and she’d expected her sister to remain in London until winter was full upon them.

She released the frog clasp at her throat and pulled off her short cloak. Folding it, she set it over the arm of the long bench at the end of her bed. She had been given her old room.

Releasing the tiny mother- of- pearl buttons down the front of her charcoal bodice, she took her time to divest herself of her clothes. Untying the outer skirts, she walked over to the window and pulled back the heavy curtains that kept the cool air from invading the house.

The familiar maze of trimmed shrubs lay just beyond the paned glass. Still lushly green. Winter hadn’t yet set in here. Looking down on the familiar was comforting.

Her skirts were too thick to fall completely to her feet, so she stepped out of the heavy twill and set it over her cloak.

She nearly packed it away in the dressing room herself then realized a maid would straighten her things around when she went down for supper.

A wide, tall cheval mirror stood on the floor along an empty stretch of wall. She stepped in front of it and loosened the strings of her boneless corset. She let it fall to the soft carpet at her feet. She pulled her chemise over her head and pushed her drawers off her hips. Both items joined the corset. She turned to the side to observe her body for signs of change.

Now that the corset was off, she breathed deeply, feeling like she’d caught her breath for the first time in days.

Strange since her stomach was still fl at as ever. She wondered when it would round out with the baby.

A week? A month? Three months? The thoughts filled her with equal measures of dread and joy. Maybe her sisters would send her to the Continent to have the child?

Grace would have a house there now that she’d married an Italian count. Maybe she could live there for the rest of her days? Out of reach of the censure London society was sure to yoke around her

shoulders.

She faced forward in the mirror. Her breasts were

fuller. Heavier.

Maybe she should bind them so her sisters wouldn’t notice the difference in her figure. She pressed her hands against them, her intent to flatten them hopeless. They were hard and sore. Perhaps if she bound them in soft linen beneath her corset, no one would be the wiser.

Her gaze dropped in the mirror. Her hips looked wider.

Was that something else that changed once a woman was enceinte? Or purely her fanciful imagination?

She sighed, turned her back to the image in the glass, and fished a fresh chemise from the wardrobe.

After she climbed into her bed, already turned down by one of the servants, she stared up at the delicate design in the molding that lined the ceiling.

She’d felt dead to the world around her ever since she’d packed her belongings and left the castle. She barely remembered the ride in the rickety old cart with Thomas.

Neither had been of a mind to fill the silence with chatter after the events of the past few days. She’d blindly had her trunks loaded into the train by an attendant and then she’d been sick the remainder of the trip.

This was the first time she’d had any time to simply think. The first time she realized that she’d walked away from the only man she’d ever loved. A child, too, whom she adored as though he were her own. She liked to think that sentiment was returned from Jacob, but now she’d never know. Would he be disappointed in her for not staying? Or worse, resent her? She hoped not.

She had been too distraught to explain that she was leaving.

She hated all of this.

Hated that she cared so much, and hurt so much. She wanted nothing other than to crawl into the deepest cave like Grendel’s mother and never face the world around her again.

She ground the heels of her palms into her eyes, wishing that her life was just as easy to hide from as the pale blue paint she was temporarily blinded to on the ceiling.

Her thoughts turned back to the babe growing in her belly.

If she were roughly four weeks along, she had maybe two to three months to think through what she should do and how she would support herself and the baby until she came into her trust money. She would have an early-summer baby; he or she would be born by June or July.

The knowledge sent a thrill of excitement through her.

She wasn’t sure why it felt wrong to tell her sisters the full truth. Maybe it was the fact that Elliott didn’t know.

Did he have a right to know? He’d sent her away.

Should she send a messenger to him with word of her condition? If there were no further complications with this pregnancy, she would do so out of respect.

She’d despaired in lying to everyone in the meantime, but that was one truth that she would reveal only when she was ready. Only when she was sure the baby was safe and growing strong inside her would she reveal the truth.

She slid her hands beneath the blankets and held that thought in her heart as she laid her hands on her still- fl at belly.

“I had a little of everything prepared for supper.”

More like a grand buffet set out before them. There were no servants to overhear them, either. Emma had been true to her word in that it would be only the two of them.

“You really shouldn’t have gone to the trouble, Em.”

“It’s no bother. Cook prepare steamed pudding and custard just for you.”

Abby couldn’t help the smile that escaped. It was hard to wallow in self- pity for her circumstances when her sister was offering up her favorite dishes. Unlike some foods, these didn’t make her feel ill when she thought about eating them.

Emma handed Abby a plate. “Remind me of why you went to Northumbria.”

“The short answer is: I thought maybe I should find my own way in life.” Abby turned to look at her sister after putting a sliver of beef on her plate.

Emma frowned down at the bowl of oyster stew in her hands. Abby swallowed and looked away from it. It made her stomach clench and roil. No stew for her.

“And the long answer?” Emma asked.

“I have lived off your kindness too long. It’s obvious I’ll never marry. I just wanted to strike out on my own and see where it would lead me.”

It brought her right back to her sisters. She bit her lip to stop the tremble. She would not cry.

She would not!

“Why ever would you think you’re a burden? Papa left you a large dowry, and I have money set aside from my paintings.”

“I didn’t want charity. And the money Papa left for me doesn’t come to me for another two years. I just needed some time on my own.”

“You’re still young, Abby. It’s not too late for you to marry.”

“I don’t want to marry. I’ve never wanted to marry. I’m not like you and Grace. I’m content by myself.”

Three months ago those words would have been true.

Now they soured in her mouth. She’d have been happy to marry Elliott. Never content without him. She doubted she’d ever feel this way for another man.

“How can you say that when you’ve admitted how much you missed us? You were only gone two months.”

Emma set her bowl on the table and sat in her chair. She didn’t pick up her spoon till Abby sat next to her. Emma rubbed her hand over Abby’s back in reassuring strokes.

Abby sniffled, feeling suddenly sentimental.

“You mentioned a child,” Emma said.

“I took a position as a governess.” She stared her sister in the eye, wondering what her reaction would be.

She merely nodded slowly and said, “Interesting choice.

But perhaps suiting since Papa taught you well.”

“I enjoyed it. But I didn’t like being so far from home.”

She needed to reveal the reason behind her leaving. “I came home because I took a liking to the master of the house.”

Emma’s spoon clanked against the bowl, and she turned to Abby with wide, surprised eyes. “Did he know?”

“Yes, it was a most humiliating experience. He did not return the sentiment.” Had he, he would have wanted her to stay. Would have stopped her from leaving. Wouldn’t have repeatedly told her to leave. “I’m not ready to share the details. But it precipitated me leaving.”

“When you are ready to share the whole story, I want to be the first to hear it.”

Abby nodded her agreement.

“I’m sorry and I’m not sorry that it didn’t work for the better. Had you stayed in Northumbria, would you have written again?”

“There is a letter in my room I planned to post in town, but didn’t have the chance.”

“Do you plan on finding another posting as governess?”

“I’ve had about all the adventure I can handle right now.”

And another adventure come summer. Would she rely on her sisters heavily in the first few years? Would they be happy or disappointed with her? Questions she needn’t worry about now. Her only focus would be trying to forget Elliott. Forget that she’d found something she had wanted to hold on to with all her might, only to be turned away.

Emma sighed, as if in relief. “I’m glad to hear you’ll be staying. I know you’ve only just arrived, but we leave for Town in a week. You’ll want to come. Grace is living in London over the winter. She leaves for Italy come spring.”