The Secret Diary of Ashley Juergens (4 page)

4:45 P.M.

Mom wanted to take Amy shopping to get some dating clothes. She must have noticed Amy’s sad fashion show earlier with Madison and Lauren. I should tell Mom I’m dating someone and then I could get some new clothes, too. Amy insisted I come with them even though I just wanted to lie down and watch
TV
with Dad because he was actually home for once. She never insists I come anywhere.

When we were alone in the dressing room, Amy seemed to want to tell me something when Mom wasn’t around. She’d look at me like she was about to say something but then . . . nothing. I got that same feeling when Amy called over the summer from band camp sounding so upset but insisted nothing was wrong. Then Mom came back with an armful of clothes for Amy to try on. Amy came out to model one outfit for Mom and I told her it was too baggy. Amy said it fit perfectly. She just stood there and stared at herself in the mirror, like she was in some kind of a daze. She snapped out of it when Mom mentioned her swollen feet and her curves. Amy immediately changed the subject.

That’s when I told Mom I don’t understand why she insists on covering me up but pushes Amy to flaunt everything she’s got. I must admit it does seem like Amy grew a pair of boobs overnight. I don’t know where those two came from but they are big. So are her feet. I don’t remember band practice taking such a physical toll on Amy, but that French horn is kinda big and walking around with it all day must be hard on her feet and . . .

Oh, what am I saying? Marching in band may make your feet swell but it doesn’t give you big boobs. If it did it would be the most popular extracurricular activity at school. I tried asking Amy about it a bunch of times, but each time I chickened out. It’s like if I actually say the words, then it becomes real.

7:06 P.M.

When we got home, Mom and Dad started going at it. Figuratively, of course. Not going at it like in an actual fistfight, but more like a light slapping through words kind of thing. Like when two girls get in a fight during lunch and just circle each other. Dad wouldn’t like the fact I’m comparing him to girls at my school, but that’s what it reminded me of. I was suddenly jealous of Amy’s date with Ben. I hate being at home when my parents are arguing.

I went into Amy’s room to tell her Dad and I were going to get food. She was wearing one of the new tops she had just gotten at the mall and the way she was standing confirmed what I had feared.

And then I asked about her boobs.

I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t I ask if she was pregnant? I was working my way up to that question. I thought complimenting her on her boobs would help her open up. It didn’t. She got defensive and said I was staring at her. I told her she’s gotten kind of sexy lately. (Sexy as in had sex. Whoa, I really sounded like my dad there.) And now I’m experiencing his worst fear—Amy’s pregnant. I didn’t say that last part out loud. Amy shrugged me off and I couldn’t think of another question, so I left with Dad.

During the car ride he brought up Mom and wondered if I knew what’s put her in such a bad mood. I said I didn’t know. I was just glad he hadn’t noticed anything about Amy. To make sure we didn’t get on the topic of Amy, I took a major conversational detour.

I looked at my dad and asked him if he had sex before marriage. He pulled the car over, turned off the engine, took off his seat belt, and looked at me. He wanted to know why I was asking. I said because I wanted to know and I wanted him to tell me the truth. He leaned back in his seat and sighed. “Let me preface this by saying, ‘Do as I say and not as I do.’ Yes, Ash. I had sex before I was married. But that doesn’t give you carte blanche to do the same.” I asked if he regretted it. He was taking his time, choosing his words very carefully. I told him I wasn’t asking him these questions so I would have an excuse to go have sex. I was just curious. He said at the time he didn’t regret having sex before marriage, but he regrets it now. I asked why and he said having Amy and me changed his mind. It made him think that it wasn’t fair to the other girls (he told me not to get a crazy number in my head but wouldn’t elaborate), who were also somebody’s daughter, to be treated like that, like they weren’t special. So if he had two sons instead of two daughters he wouldn’t feel that way? Dad said yes. I told him that’s a double standard and he said he couldn’t help it; it’s just different with guys. They don’t get as emotionally involved as girls do. I told him I’m not emotional like most girls and he said emotional or not, I could still get pregnant. I asked him if getting pregnant was the worst thing I could do. He said the worst thing I could do is have sex anytime soon. Then he started the car and we picked up dinner. Dad kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye the whole time.

7:45 P.M.

When we got back Amy had already left for the fair with Ben. When she gets back I’m going to ask her if she’s pregnant. Maybe hanging out with Ben will put her in a good mood and she’ll be more open to talking to me.

I cornered Mom while she was brushing her teeth and asked if she had sex before she was married. Mom sighed and I said I know, do as you say and not as you do. Mom said as long as that’s clear, then yes, she did have sex before she was married. I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t run out and have sex just because she told me the truth. I’m not a follower. I didn’t ask if she regretted it. Living her whole life having had sex only with Dad? That she would probably regret.

10:20 P.M.

I did it.

No, not that. I asked Amy. I waited up for her on the couch. Mom and Dad didn’t even notice me pacing around the living room because they were too busy bickering. Amy got home earlier than I expected because she got sick on the carousel. Amy loves the carousel. And she normally has a pretty strong stomach.

Oh no. Why do all signs keep pointing to yes?

I knew I was right even before she answered. I told her she needed a friend in the house and that I would keep her secret. I cried and I’m not a big crier. I think the last time I cried was during some cheesy romance movie that was so bad I couldn’t believe it had been made, but I actually sat through two whole hours watching it and weeping. I think seeing me cry made Amy realize how serious her situation is. But I didn’t cry because Amy is pregnant. I cried because even though Amy and I have our differences, I thought we were friends. I wish she had confided in me instead of calling Madison and Lauren and shutting the door and whispering with them in her room. She didn’t tell me her secret on her own. I had to ask her. And that really hurt. But I guess that doesn’t matter now. I’m still her sister and her friend, even if she didn’t really realize it until now.

And I know the perfect way to help her.

10:42 P.M.

Ben just left. He came back to return Amy’s jacket. She forgot it in the middle of all the puking. He told her he loved her and then left. I asked if he knows she’s pregnant. She said he doesn’t know. At least I wasn’t the only one who was left in the dark, besides Mom and Dad.

Ben must really love Amy a lot. He kissed her even after she had puked right in front of him. Wow. But there’s something that’s bothering me. Amy and Ben just started dating. I don’t know how far along Amy is but it just doesn’t seem to click. On the other hand, Amy hasn’t dated anyone else, unless something happened over the summer. But nothing happened over the summer.

Amy just went to band camp.

7:12 A.M.

I must have spent at least an hour digging around my closet for something to wear today. I was worried I didn’t have anything, but then I found some stuff at the back that I had been saving for Halloween. I figured if I was going to distract Mom and Dad from Amy’s behavior, then I really needed to do something crazy to get everyone’s attention. And, let’s be honest, driving my parents nuts is just an added bonus.

Like a couple of years ago when I sat outside the house in a foldout chair holding a sign that said protest against parents. The neighborhood got really mad when all the other kids joined me. It allowed me to take bathroom breaks without undermining the seriousness of the protest. Or when Dad made me work in the furniture store because he wanted me to go into the family business and I told all the customers how much the store’s markup actually was. Ahhh, memories. But I think this will be my masterpiece.

It worked immediately. Right when I walked into the kitchen wearing a long black skirt, ruffled shirt, and black sweater my dad asked me what was going on. I’m trying to remember the last time I was so covered up. It must have been in kindergarten or something. I mean we’re talking
layers
here. Your favorite word, Principal Miller.

I was planning on being a nun for Halloween. Or a secretary.

My demure outfit wasn’t exactly newsworthy, but it led my mom and dad to believe I was having sex. They thought I was covering up the fact I was having sex by actually, literally covering up. This was not the response I was expecting. I guess some customer at my dad’s store heard a rumor that a Juergens girl was having sex and they just assumed it was me. They’re not even thinking it could be Amy. Good. For added effect I gave a shout-out to my lover and undid my prim hairstyle. The looks on Mom’s and Dad’s faces were priceless. I wanted to enjoy it a little bit longer but my job was done, so I made sure the top button on my blouse was buttoned and left for school.

That’s another good thing about being a distraction. Me dressing up and fueling a rumor that couldn’t possibly be about Amy keeps them occupied, so they are talking to each other without fighting. I think Mom’s concerns about money have Dad freaked out and that’s why he’s working longer hours at the store. Who knows? All I know is I’d rather have them stand there and accuse me of having sex than ask me if something is up with Amy or fight about money.

This isn’t the first time I’ve covered for Amy. Nothing as serious as a pregnancy, but still, if my parents knew, they’d be surprised. Like the time I got in a fight at school. It was really Amy. Well, it was more like a kid was starting a fight with Amy, so I stepped in and punched him. I should probably get ready to defend Amy’s honor over and over from now on.

6:32 P.M.

All my hard work almost went down the toilet today. Amy told Dad I’m not the one having sex, she is. I ran in and acted like Amy was crazy. My parents didn’t believe her anyway. Then they took a break to fight with each other. Great, I wore an outfit all day that made it look like I was allergic to the sun and they don’t believe the truth when it’s told to them? I didn’t need to go through the trouble. My mom’s enough of a distraction for my dad and Amy couldn’t be a distraction even if she wanted to.

I told Amy not to tell them. With everything going on, we don’t need to add a baby to the mix. Well, I mean, it’s already in the mix but my parents don’t need to know that. I asked Amy if Ben knows yet. She said he doesn’t. She asked if she should tell him. (
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
!) I told her I’m not old enough to give out that kind of advice. Even though I’m dressed like I’m mature and boring (for the time being), it’s just a front.

I wanted to ask Amy how far along she is. It’s been bothering me because I’ve been doing the math in my head, and the more I think about it the more I think Ben doesn’t have anything to do with this baby. I remembered that stupid football game my parents made me go to and how Amy couldn’t stop staring at Ricky, the guy she had a crush on, the guy she was so excited to see at band camp.

I think Ricky’s the father of Amy’s baby.

My dad’s going to Vegas. This worries me. Not because I actually know what he’s like when he’s in Vegas but because I think he’s lying. First it’s late nights at the furniture store. Then it’s playing pool. Now it’s Vegas.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Okay, I do want to talk about this some more. Because I know he’s lying about it. I confronted him, too. I asked if Mom kicked him out and if he’s seeing someone else. He said he wasn’t but I don’t believe him. My dad’s not a loner. If he’s not at home with his family he’s with someone else. But he wouldn’t admit it. He told me this isn’t the type of stuff a dad talks about with his daughter. He will go on and on about my sex life but he will not admit he’s cheating on Mom. He always dodges my questions like this when I’m right. I don’t want to be right. Not now. Not again. The last time I was right was when I thought Amy might be pregnant. Then I had a hunch Ricky was the father. Last night, Amy admitted she had sex with Ricky at band camp and he is the father of her baby. Now I have a feeling Mom and Dad will probably get divorced, which will complete the family trifecta.

I also don’t want the only parent I see every day to be my mom. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. She doesn’t understand me like Dad does. Once Amy’s secret comes out, I’ll need Dad here. Because even though Mom and Dad aren’t getting along right now, they balance each other out. And this situation needs balance.

Since I already knew the bad news, my only other option was to try to change it. I asked him not to leave. He told me since I’m always acting older, I should be able to handle the fact that things don’t always happen the way you want them to. I’ve realized this a lot. Especially lately. But I’d like to meet the person who actually handles disappointment well and see how old they are. It’s probably someone way younger than me who isn’t even old enough to understand what’s being told to them.

My dad wouldn’t budge, so I started bargaining with him. If he promised not to leave, I would wear whatever he wanted me to wear. I would even wear that gross sweatshirt you gave me, Principal Miller. (I’d have to go find it by the cafeteria, but I’d wear it when I found it.) I’d get good grades and act genuinely interested in school and I’d try not to be such a loner and make some friends. Not friends like Lauren and Madison, though.

I even
CRIED AGAIN
. I really hate that this crying thing has started to become a regular occurrence. But I couldn’t help it. And I told him that. I knew things were bad when the crying didn’t change anything. I thought it would do the trick. It certainly freaked Amy out. I even considered showing him this journal. But I’m starting to get attached to it. It’s like my safety blanket. That sounds so unlike me but it’s true.

Dad tried to make it better by saying he’d always be around. I hate when parents lie and know they’re lying. Since when do you pack a suitcase to be around? You don’t. You pack it when you’re leaving. How am I supposed to trust he’ll be around when he can’t even be honest about where he’s actually going? Vegas, my butt.

At that point I wanted to tell him about Amy and the baby so badly. That would have stopped him from walking out. But I promised Amy she could trust me as a friend. And I don’t want her not to trust me anymore. Amy really needs me right now. More than I need my dad.

They’re going to get divorced. I know it. Dad says it’s just a break. But “break” is code for “breakup.” It just means the people involved don’t have the guts to call it what it is yet. And now I’ll have another thing in common with all the kids at my school. Divorced parents. I better fish my protest sign out of the garage and go sit out on the lawn again.

My dad’s parting words to me? Things happen. Yeah, I know things happen. That doesn’t mean you have to sit there, or in his case walk out, and let them happen. He didn’t have to cheat on Mom and he doesn’t have to leave. I’d like to hear Amy say that to him after she tells him she’s pregnant and see him accept it like I’m forced to now. This separation thing didn’t have to happen. Dad didn’t have to be out every night. That just made things worse. I don’t like school but I still show up every day. I get through it.

My mom heard me yell after my dad that he shouldn’t leave, especially now. She wondered what I meant by that. Whoops. I told her it’s hard to have a parent leave when you’re my age and Amy’s age.

Because that’s kind of the truth, too.

When Amy and I were younger our parents didn’t fight like this. They had a rule similar to “never go to bed angry” except it was “never go to bed angry unless the other person’s being a moron.” Dad was usually the moron in that scenario. They’d eventually end up laughing, with Dad admitting he was a moron and Mom telling him she loved him because he was a moron. But this time they haven’t ended up laughing and no one’s admitting they’re a moron.

6:48 P.M.

Amy came home and told me she’s getting married. Exactly how many secrets am I supposed to keep at one time? Here’s the tally so far: Amy’s pregnant (keep this secret from Mom and Dad and basically everyone), Ricky’s the father (keep this secret from Mom and Dad and Ben), Mom and Dad are probably getting a divorce (keep this secret from Amy . . . and me—it’s too painful to fully acknowledge at the moment), and Amy and Ben are getting married (don’t tell Mom and Dad).

I told Amy marriage was a bad idea given that she’s only fifteen, but Amy corrected me by saying she’s fifteen and pregnant. I wanted to tell her first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage, but I bit my tongue. I didn’t want my sarcasm to hurt the baby’s feelings, and besides, marriage ends up being a bad idea for lots of people at all ages. Not just fifteen.

She did tell me Ben’s dad knows she’s pregnant so everyone will know soon enough—one less secret.

I started thinking back to simpler times, when Amy was boring and I had no secrets to keep. I remember one time she had Lauren and Madison over for a sleepover and I hid in the closet to witness their lameness in action. They decided to play the “Never have I ever . . .” game. The players hold up ten fingers and go around the room saying things they have never done. If another player has done it, they put one of their fingers down. The game ends when someone has all ten fingers down. Amy, Lauren, and Madison started playing and every statement had to be related to sex. Lauren started, “Never have I ever . . . kissed a boy.” Amy and Madison looked at each other, all fingers still up. Needless to say, if you haven’t kissed a boy the game’s pretty much over. They ended up saying things like, “Never have I ever . . . water-skied.” The game finally ended when I shouted from inside the closet, “Never have I ever been so bored in my life!” I remember thinking, as Amy threw me out of her room, how I wished my sister wasn’t so boring. The good news is she can now hold her own the next time anyone wants to play “Never have I ever . . .”

Amy wants to tell Mom she’s pregnant but I told her she’s got some time. Mom’s clueless for the moment because she’s preoccupied with Dad leaving, something Amy already knew about. I wish Amy would let me in on things a little sooner. Maybe I could have avoided crying again and tried talking to Dad earlier. Then I could have stopped him from leaving.

She did get me laughing when she said, Who would want to have sex with Dad if they didn’t have to? Seriously. I don’t know why I suddenly stopped seeing the funny side of things, and who would have thought Amy would be the one to set me straight? It didn’t take her long to start crying, though. She doesn’t think she can keep the baby.

Great. Another secret.