The Secrets of Dr. Taverner (40 page)

But, as the different papers were read, and the discussions
carried on, I found a peculiar sensation stealing over me. When I
was with Taverner, my mind seemed to move slowly and
clumsily by comparison; but by comparison with these men, my
mind moved with a lightning speed and lucidity. As each fresh
set of phenomena was described, I seemed to penetrate into the
hidden life that actuated it; I did not see, as Marius saw, with
clairvoyant light, but I knew things with an unerring intuition
which I could not even explain to myself.

Still less could I explain it to others. And after one attempt to
take part in the discussion, in which, it is true, I carried all
before me, I withdrew into a silence which I allowed no
probings to dispel. Over my soul there came a sense of utter
solitude as I moved among these, my professional brethren; I felt
as if I were looking in at a window rather than sharing in the
conference. Until I returned to my old haunts I had not realized
how far I had come along the path that Taverner trod; living
always in his atmosphere, hearing his viewpoint, my soul had
become tuned to the keynote of his, and I was set apart from my
fellows. I knew I could enter into no relationship outside the
strange, unorganized brotherhood of those who follow the Secret
Path, and yet I was not of these either; an invisible barrier shut
me off from them also and I could not enter into their life.

The conference terminated in a dinner, and I set out for this
function in great turmoil of mind. More and more was borne
upon me the fact of my isolation from those I had always
regarded as my herd and looked to for support; more and more
was borne upon me the need to push aside the veil behind which
I had been vouchsafed many a momentary glimpse. The fact that
I was Taverner's daily companion did not give me the right to
pass behind the veil, however. I had, as it were, to enter the
house of my soul and walk out through the back door. I cannot
describe it better than that--the curious inturning which I felt I
had to perform.

I had always feared that the inner depths of my soul were full
of Freudian complexes and the things that wreck careers, and it
was this idea that constituted a barrier; but now I realized what
Marius had done for me during the weeks of constant
companionship with his strange mind-- the absolute naturalness
of his outlook and the entire absence of any of the conventional
social doctrines had gradually changed my sense of values. Like
a silversmith, I did not look only at the elaborate workmanship
of an object, but weighed the actual metal it contained; conse-
quently there were some things I had valued highly which I no
longer feared to lose.

And as I realized that I no longer valued the things that most
men value, I suddenly felt that I dared reach out towards the
things of the Unseen which I had long secretly coveted in spite
of all my denials but had never dared to touch lest I should
wreck my career by so doing. Oblivious to the crowded room
and the prosing of the chairman, lost in a brown study, I
pondered these things. I looked my life squarely in the face, and
when I had finished, all the values were reassessed; I had indeed
entered the house of life and passed through all the chambers.

And then, spontaneously and without effort, I opened the
back door to my soul and stepped out into the wide and starry
astral night. I saw infinite space crossed and recrossed by great
Rays and sensed the passage of innumerable Presences. Then
one of the rays fell across me and I felt as if something in my
innermost substance caught Fire and shone.

The fit of abstraction passed and I became aware of my
surroundings once more. The same speaker was prosing, no one
had noticed my inattention. Time and space play no part in
psychic experiences.

To my relief the dinner was nearing its end, and I escaped
from the stewing atmosphere, heavy with reek of food and
cigars, into the garish London night. There was no place here,
however, where I could be alone with my thoughts, for humanity
crowded about me. I had to have space and darkness for my soul
to breathe in. Late as it was, I gathered up my belongings, got
out the car, and set out down the Portsmouth road on the long
road to Hindhead.

It was a road of many memories for me. Those who have read
these chronicles know how often Taverner and I had raced up
and down it on one or another of the adventures into which I had
been led by my association with that strange and potent
personality. It is true that I knew very little more about Taverner
than I did at the beginning, but, ye gods, how much more I knew
about myself! Supposing, I thought, Taverner and I for any
reason were to part company, how would I manage to return to
the world of men and find my place therein? Would I not be as
alien as Marius? Those who enter the Unseen never really
return, and unless I could find companionship in the place where
I had gone, I should pass my life in spiritual solitude, with a
terrible nostalgia of the soul for the bright places I had glimpsed.

Absorbed in my thoughts, I ran on past the turn that led to the
nursing-home, and it was not until the engine cried out for a
change of gear that I realized that I was climbing the heights of
Hindhead. Below me lay the mist-filled hollow of the
Punchbowl, looking like a lake in the moonlight, and above me
the great Keltic Cross that gives rest to the souls of hanged men
was silhouetted against the stars; all was very still and no air
moved. In that enormous stillness of the open heaths, remote
from all human life and thought, I felt the presence of an unseen
existence above me, like walking through invisible water. The
engine had come to a standstill on the gradient, and about me
was absolute silence and darkness. Something was near. I knew
it, and it was reaching out towards me; yet it could not touch me,
for I had to take the first step. Should I do it? Should I dare to
step outside the narrow limits of human experience into the
expanse of wider consciousness that was all about me? Should I
open that door which never can be closed again?

Above me on the hill the great granite cross cut the stars, a
Keltic cross, with the circle of eternity superimposed on the
outheld arms of renunciation. The mist had come up and blotted
out the low-lying land over towards Frensham till I seemed to be
alone on a crater of the moon. Cut off from all human
influences, high up on the stark heights of the moors, I met my
soul face to face while the unseen life that rose like a sea drew
back as if to give me room for my decision.

And I hesitated, longing to plunge into that wonderful life,
yet dreading it; when suddenly something gripped me by the
heart and pulled me through. I cannot describe it better than that.
I had passed an invisible barrier and was on the other side of it.
Consciousness steadied again; the world was unchanged; there
above my head still loomed the great cross, and yet in all things
there was a profound difference; for to me, they had suddenly
become alive. Not only were they alive, but I shared in their life,
for I was one with them. And then I knew that, isolated though I
must always be in the world of men, I had this infinite
companionship all about me. I was no longer alone; for, like
Taverner, Marius, and many others, I had passed over into the
Unseen.

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Afterword

Dion Fortune
1891-1946

Dion Fortune is one of the most important names in modern
occultism. Writing prolifically in both fiction and non-fiction,
Fortune contributed greatly to the available knowledge of the
Western Mystery Tradition.

Born Violet Firth, Ms. Fortune was a student of Freudian
psychology and the psychoanalytic method before entering into the
Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn in 1919. Her understanding of
psychology provided a very valuable grounding for her occult studies,
a marriage of ideologies which comes through clearly in her work.

After leaving the Golden Dawn, Fortune founded The Society of
the Inner Light (www.innerlight.org.uk) which still operates and
offers courses in occultism as well as an initiatory system of magical
study.