The Sex Education of M.E. (21 page)

“It’s cold on this side,” she mumbled. Her words struck me. Nate hadn’t been a cold man, but I would not have considered him overly affectionate either. We didn’t hold hands. We hardly ever hugged. We didn’t greet each other with kisses like I’d seen other couples do. We were good in bed. Good. Not incredible.

Mitzi looked up at me after tussling the blanket.

“You liked him, didn’t you?”

“Who?”

“Mom.”

“What?” I grinned, despite myself.

“Mr. Whittington. You liked him.”

“What’s not to like? He’s new to the neighborhood and he came here to check on the gas leak in the basement.”

“It seemed like you knew him a little more than as the new neighbor.”

“I didn’t.” It was the truth. I didn’t know him as the neighbor. I didn’t know him as anyone. I wouldn’t have even guessed he worked for the fire department, if he hadn’t arrived in the CFD truck. He was a liar.

It surprised me how quickly the old feelings of Nate’s infidelity rushed back to me. The insecurity of being told one thing, to discover later the truth was completely different. I tried to justify that Merek and I weren’t in a relationship. He owed me nothing, and yet, I believed that common human decency allowed for some honesty from him.

“Jake is really cute,” Mitzi said, a little noncommittal.

“What about Kevin?” Her boyfriend had hardly been around this summer. We usually spent time discussing him at length, but this summer, things seemed quieter in regards to him.

“Mom, Jake’s a junior.”

“Oh.” Heaven forbid a budding senior be interested in a boy a year younger.

“I think Bree likes him, but she makes a fool of herself every time she’s near him. Her friends all giggle and act silly. So sophomore.”

Rolling my eyes, I nodded as if I understood. Ah, the difference between eighteen and sixteen.
So worldly
, I giggled inside.

“Jake’s fun, but he’s kind of serious, too. I guess his mom left after he was born. She didn’t want to be a mom, or something like that. His older sister Cassie is so cool. She’s twenty-one.”

Mitzi looked over at me.

“She’s going to be a junior at North East next year, did you know that?”

No
, I wanted to quip. I knew nothing about Merek Elliott Whittington or his family. Mitzi continued.

“I guess she didn’t like Iowa State, so she decided to come home. If I had to guess, I bet she partied too much. Her dad is kind of intense sometimes. Cassie says he’s really strict.”

“Strict how?” The words edged out.

“He doesn’t let her go out. I mean, she’s twenty-one. Shouldn’t she be able to go where she wants, when she wants? She says it’s because he’s worried she’ll turn into her mom. Drink too much. Sleep around.”

“Mitzi, that’s a terrible thing to say.” My eyebrows pinched in disapproval of her speaking in such a way about someone’s mom.

“Those aren’t my words, Mom. Those are Cassie’s. She says they hardly ever see her. She had some kind of breakdown a few years back and moved to the suburbs.”

Mitzi paused briefly.

“Cassie’s very determined not to be like her mom. Her mom had her when she was eighteen. Can you imagine?” Mitzi shuddered at the thought. “Anyway, she said when her dad decided to buy a new house, she decided to come home. Her grandmother died last year. They used to live with her. She thinks her dad wanted a fresh start. Plus, she said she’d finally have a big room.”

My eyes were pointed at my open book, but my mind wandered through all I was learning.

“You seem to know a lot about Cassie.”

“Yeah, she’s cool. We hang out when I go to Jake’s. Their pool is so amazing.”

I wanted to remind her that a twenty-one-year old wouldn’t think an eighteen-year old was so cool, as she referenced her age difference with Jake. But then again, Mitzi was an easygoing girl, with an open mind and a gentle heart. She got along with everyone.

“How’s Kevin?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.

“I don’t know,” she answered, shrugging and looking away from me.

“What’s going on?”

“I like him. I do. He’s really great, but I just … I don’t know, you know?” Brown eyes that matched her father’s looked over at me. I had to giggle when I recognized I didn’t need to be part of the conversation she was having with herself. I waited for her to continue before I spoke.

“That’s what dating is all about, Mitzi. You don’t have to marry him. You’re trying him on, seeing if you like him. What you like. What you don’t.”

She nodded, quietly staring at the television that was off.

“I just feel bad because there’s nothing wrong with him. I just don’t think he’s for me.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

She wasn’t looking at me when she answered, “I just don’t think we want the same things. I feel like I have things all planned out and he doesn’t have any idea what he wants to do in life.” Mitzi already knew she wanted to study to be a nurse. Helping others was in her nature. Kevin wasn’t even certain he wanted to go to college.

Ah, the wisdom again of eighteen.

“Life will change,” I stated. Mitzi rolled her head to look at me.

“I know. But I don’t think my feelings will.”

I stared down at this miracle that came from me, realizing that there
was
wisdom in that eighteen-year old brain. While I willed my feelings about Merek to change, they actually hadn’t. I missed him when I didn’t want to, because I liked him, when I shouldn’t have.

“Sometimes it’s just that people change,” I offered, hoping to sound positive. But isn’t that what Gia has said to me. People change. Maybe Merek wanted a change, she suggested. Could I be that change for him? My thoughts wandered back to the almighty question of
why lie
?

“Sometimes they do,” she sighed. “Can you fall out of love as easily as you can fall into it?”

Sighing heavily, my heart ached. I didn’t have an exact answer. I wouldn’t say I fell out of love with Nate, but my love certainly shifted with the betrayal of our marriage. The man I married, and thought I’d love for the rest of my life, was not the same man twenty years later. I believed love came in many forms. Without my answering, Mitzi continued.

“I mean, you loved Daddy, but you could love someone else, right? Like, if Kevin died, I would love someone else.”

“Oh, honey. It’s different. Daddy and I were married. You and Kevin are dating. You’re so young. If Kevin died, and let’s hope he doesn’t, you would definitely love again.”

“Well, I don’t think you’re really that old, Mom. Couldn’t it happen for you, too?”

Mitzi turned on the television shortly after that comment and I closed the chapter on Christian Grey. Could I love again? I didn’t want to think of it as
again
, as if I was repeating what I’d already done. It would have to be loving
anew
, meaning something different, something unlike what I’d had before. Either way, loving meant being involved with another. It meant commitment and dedication and honesty. I didn’t have those things from Merek. Hell, I’d hardly had them with Nate. My heart ached, as did my head, at the thought that love like I imagined might not be a part of my life story.

Our block hosted an end of the summer party. Unlike the 4
^th
of July festivities a few blocks over, which included fireworks and tricycles with flags, this was more of a traditional party where people gathered their dinner and shared it outside with the neighbors. An open grill was available when neighbors were ready to cook. Coolers were filled with ice, and drinks could be dropped in to share. Children ran up and down the street playing tag. I warned Jake the pool was off limits with the little ones around. Our compromise was a bonfire for teens after nine.

While the party was mainly for our block, Gia told me other neighbors sauntered over and the street would be packed by six. She wasn’t lying. We’d only been living in the house since May, and I knew most of the people up and down the block, especially the nosy ones, but I didn’t recognize half the other people milling about. One person I did note was Todd Swanker.

He had no boundaries, no filter, and his comments were inappropriate, his mannerisms immature despite being in his thirties. He was the type of guy that gave the fire department a bad name and he fit the
muchacho
stereotype of being an asshole in uniform. I didn’t care for him although we were on friendly terms within the department. I especially didn’t care for him having his hands all over the back of Emme.

Gia warned me she might be attending. Warned isn’t the correct word. She hinted, hopeful, suggested that Emme would possibly be present. It had been over a week. I didn’t call when I knew I should. I didn’t know how to explain myself, and at first, I didn’t think I had to. I had already determined I wasn’t going to see her again after our bike date.
Day
. Not date. Then we made love in that lazy afternoon. I steeled myself to let her go, before the inevitable, before she could leave me.

When Gia called the firehouse, telling me about the gas smell in Emme’s house, my natural fireman instincts took over.
I could do this
, I pep-talked myself. I could see her, and not react. This was a routine visit, for a basic call. No emergency. No need for the commander to attend, and yet, I couldn’t keep myself away. I was concerned for her. Then I went back for the second torture. What happened against the washer made the machine want to rinse itself. As always, Emme was ready for me, and when she arched into me, basic instincts took over. I needed to be inside of her. I wasn’t even thinking about protection. It was a natural attraction.

The instant I entered her, I recognized the difference. It had been years since I’d been raw with a woman. Years. The way Emme melted over me, drawing me into her. I’d never been so hard in my life. She was drenched, sucking me deep within. Coming at her from behind was a totally different sensation: intense, animal, and incredible. After realizing what we’d done, her frightened eyes scared me, and my mouth did what I hadn’t done in years either. It kissed her. My God, that kiss. It crawled to my toes and back up my legs, priming me for another round with her. Her mouth was heaven and years of pent up denial washed out of me, as I took what I wanted from her. Connection. Emme was solid. She was real, and I was ready for what came next.

Only there was no next. The revelation of who I was, so unpredictably shared by her daughter, sent things into a tailspin. I hadn’t been honest, but I hadn’t outright lied. My children weren’t something I intentionally hid. I just didn’t wish to share that I had them. I didn’t need the sympathy some women offered; that knowing look of pity for the single father. Or that hopeful gleam of
I can be the next Mrs
., though there had never been a first one. I didn’t want to go through the whole explanation of Janice. I just didn’t want to share all the painful parts of my past with her, when all I suddenly saw was the future. If anything, I thought Emme would understand. She’s the one who mentioned not feeling whole and wanting to escape. She’s the one who no longer wanted to defined by her children, but as her.

My mind raced as I slowly stood and neared Emme. Gia saw me approaching over Todd’s shoulder, warning me with her eyes to tread lightly. I understood Emme’s misgivings. I was scared, too. I hadn’t been committed to one woman in almost two decades, while she had spent twenty years devoted to one man. She looked for relief, and I wanted to satisfy her. I wanted to loosen up the tight wall surrounding her, only I never planned on her breaking through mine.

Todd shifted, glancing over his shoulder.

“Chief,” he called out, letting his hand rub down Emme’s back. She flinched out of his touch. I was a commander now, but he’d known me from before, when I was a chief. She stepped forward, clearly uncomfortable with his groping. “Emme was just sharing her adventures in singlehood with us.”

Scoffing awkwardly, she retorted, “I was not.”

“She was describing her nefarious ways of luring men into her bedroom and taking advantage of them.”

“Pretty sure, it was the other way around,” she muttered, side-eying me and then looked away.

“I was just about to share some of my tricks with her. See if she could put the master’s tactics to practice,” he winked at me. Emme continued to shake her head. Gia shuddered.

“Oh, God,” Gia laughed.

“That’s what she says,” Todd guffawed, and Emme choked.

“Okay, I’m stepping away now. The student will never surpass the master here,” she joked, swirling a hand between herself and Todd.

“Are you admitting I’m a master in the bedroom?” Todd stilled.

“I wouldn’t know any such thing!” Emme shrieked.

“Thank God,” I sighed.

“That’s what she said,” Emme muttered, and we both broke out in laughter. Running its course, the tension rebuilt, and Emme pulled away from the group, on the guise of getting a drink. I followed her to a cooler.

“How are you?” I asked, offering her a beer.

“Okay,” she shrugged. “And you?” It was painfully awkward. All I wanted to do was reach for her and pull her toward me.