The Sleepwalkers (16 page)

Once more Elisabeth found the right words when she said softly, hesitatingly, against her will: “Then why don’t you stay?”

“I’ve only been flung in your way by mere chance. And if I remained it would be as much an assault on your feelings as those I’ve been trying to warn you against; a somewhat aseptic assault, but still an assault.”

“What should I do?”

“That can be answered only negatively: nothing that isn’t approved by every fibre of you. No one can come to fulfilment except by submitting freely and absolutely to the law of his feelings and his nature—forgive the pathos.”

“Nobody ever helps me.”

“No, you are alone, as alone as you will be on your deathbed.”

“It isn’t true. It isn’t true, what you say. I’ve never been alone, nor are my father and mother alone. You talk like that because you want to be alone … or perhaps because it gives you pleasure to torment me?”

“Elisabeth, you are so beautiful that perhaps your fulfilment and completion lie simply in your beauty. Why should I torment you? But all I’ve said is true, and I’ve not said the worst either.”

“Don’t torment me.”

“Somewhere in everybody there’s an insane hope that the little scrap of love that is given us will fling that bridge over the void. Be on your guard against the pathos of love.”

“What are you warning me against now?”

“All pathos comes to this, that it promises us a mystery and tries to redeem its promise by a cliché. I should like to see you safeguarded against that kind of love.”

“You’re a poor creature.”

“Because I show my empty pockets? Be on your guard against anyone who doesn’t show them.”

“No, not that. I feel that you’re more to be pitied than the others, even than those others you talked about.…”

“I must warn you again. Never pity anyone in this business. A love born of pity is no better than a love that’s bought.”

“Oh!”

“Yes, you won’t admit that, Elisabeth. Well, put it this way then: the woman who sins out of pity presents afterwards the most pitiless reckoning.”

Elisabeth looked at him almost with hostility: “I have no pity for you.”

“But you shouldn’t look at me so angrily, all the same, although it’s almost honester that you should.”

“Why honester?”

Bertrand was silent. Then after a while he said: “Listen, Elisabeth, one must carry even honesty to the bitter end. I don’t like to say such things. But I love you. I state that with all the seriousness and all the honesty that one can be capable of in these matters of feeling. And I know, too, that you could come to love me—”

“For Heaven’s sake, be silent …”

“Why? I don’t overestimate these vague emotional states in the least, and I won’t try to be pathetic. Yet no man can quench the insane hope that some time he’ll find that mystical bridge of love. But just because of that I must go away. There is only one real kind of pathos, the pathos of separation, of pain … if one wants to make the bridge capable of holding, then one must stretch it so far that no weight can be put on it. If after that—”

“Oh, be silent.”

“If after that necessity is still stronger than all that one has voluntarily set against it, if the tension of an indescribable longing becomes so sharp that it threatens to cut the world in two, then the proven hope may arise that the weak individual destiny of two human beings is lifted above the chaos of chance, above a stale and sentimental melancholy, above a mechanical and fortuitous intimacy.”

And as though he were talking to himself and no longer to Elisabeth, he continued: “I believe, and this is my deepest belief, that only by a dreadful intensification of itself, only when in a sense it becomes infinite, can the strangeness parting two human beings be transformed into its opposite, into absolute recognition, and let that thing come to life which hovers in front of love as its unattainable goal, and yet is its condition: the mystery of oneness. The gradual accustoming of oneself to another, the gradual deepening of intimacy, evokes no mystery whatever.”

Elisabeth was crying.

He went on softly: “I should like you never to know and suffer from love except in that final and unattainable form. And even if I should not be the one, I would not be jealous of anybody then. But I suffer and feel jealous and impotent when I think that you will put up with something cheaper. Are you crying because perfection is unattainable? Then you
are right to cry. Oh, I love you, I long to sink in your strangeness, I long that you might be the final and predestined woman for me.…”

Now once more they rode on in silence side by side; they emerged from the forest and came to a field-path leading down to the main road which they had to take to get back. When he caught sight of the dusty road, which lay white under the sunlight and the pale sky, he drew up his horse so that in the shadow of the trees he might say again very softly, and as in farewell: “I love you … love you, it’s fantastic.” But that they should ride together after this on the dry, sunny road seemed to both of them impossible, and she felt grateful to him when he stopped and said: “I’ll try to overtake our unlucky friend, I think,” and then, very softly: “Farewell.” She gave him her hand. He bowed over it and she heard once more: “Farewell.” She said nothing, but when he had turned to go she cried: “Herr von Bertrand!” He came back; she hesitated for a little, then she said: “Till we meet again.” She would have liked to say “Farewell,” but it seemed out of place and theatrical. When after a little he looked round, he could hardly distinguish any longer which of the two figures was Elisabeth and which the groom; they were already too far away and the sun blinded his eyes.

Peter the serving-man stood on the terrace at Lestow and struck the gong. The Baroness had initiated this manner of announcing meals after a visit to England with her husband, and it had since become a custom. And although Peter the serving-man had been striking the gong for several years, he still remained a little ashamed of causing such a childish din, especially as the sound carried as far as the village street and had once gained him the nickname of “The Drummer.” Consequently he struck the gong discreetly, eliciting from it only a few deep tones that reverberated roundly in the silence of the park, and the rest of his performance was a flat, unmusical, brazen something that thinly died away.

Riding at a slow footpace through the noonday village street, Elisabeth heard the serving-man softly beating the gong and admonishing her that the time had come to change her dress. Nevertheless she did not hasten her horse’s pace, and if she had not been so lost in thought it might have struck her that to-day, perhaps for the first time in her life, she felt a sort of repugnance for the family gathering at the lunch-table, indeed that her return to the beautiful, quiet park, her entry through
the gate with the two lodges, weighed on her with a feeling of heavy oppression. A disturbing longing for distant things had risen up in her and along with this longing an absurd idea, doubly absurd in this midday heat, that Bertrand could not thrive in this cold climate, and that consequently he had always to flee and always to be saying good-bye. The echoes of the gong had died away. She dismounted in the yard, the groom holding her horse by the bridle; she hurried into the house, the tail of her riding-habit over her arm; she went up the steps, went the familiar way, yet as if in a waking dream. A mild fit of courage came over her, a somewhat melancholy pleasure at the thought of going wherever she pleased, of taking her destiny in her own hands and directing it; but her thoughts did not go very far and remained held up by the question what her parents would say if she appeared at the lunch-table in her riding-habits. Joachim von Pasenow too was one of those who could be shocked by such offences. Her little dog Bello tumbled down the stairs barking, mechanically she gave him her riding-whip; but she did not smile at the pride with which he carried it to her boudoir, and artfully as he laid himself at her feet, devoutly gazing up at her as though he found in her beauty fulfilment and consummation, Elisabeth did not stroke his head, but went up to the mirror and gazed into it for a long time without recognizing herself, seeing only the slender black silhouette; and it was as though the figure in the mirror and she herself were receding from each other in an immobility which slowly dissolved only when the maid entered, according to the daily custom, to help her to take off her riding-habit. But while the girl knelt before her to pull off her riding-boots, while her outstretched feet slipped with a light, cool sensation from the long boots and lay, small now in their black silken stockings, on the maid’s knee, she sought anew in the mirror that receding image, receding, as it were, in flight to someone or other who lived somewhere or other and perhaps would some day go on his knees before her. Her riding-whip was still lying on the carpet. Elisabeth tried to recall Bertrand at the railway station in his long, angular service coat, his sword by his side, and imagined that the departing train had caught him and was dragging him with it. There was a certain malicious pleasure in the fancy, but also a stifling fear such as she had never felt before. She sat with her head bent back, her hands at her temples, as though in this posture she could free herself from the power of an unexpected compulsion. “Still, nothing has happened,”
something said within her, and she could not understand her vague feeling of excitement, which yet seemed so strangely definite that it could almost be expressed in words: cut the world in two. It was not quite definite, certainly, yet a frontier line had been drawn, and what had once been indivisible, this closed world of hers, now fell asunder, and her parents stood at the other side of the frontier line. Behind all this was fear, the fear from which her parents wished to guard her as though their very life depended upon it; but the thing they feared had now broken in, strangely moving and exciting, and yet not in the least fearful. One could say “Du” to a stranger: that was all. And it was so little that Elisabeth became almost sad. She got up resolutely; no, she would not resign herself to a stale and sentimental melancholy. She went up to the mirror and patted her hair straight.

At the foot of the great staircase on an ebony frame hung the dull, yellow, bronze gong, decorated with flat Chinese designs. A genuine piece which the Baron had purchased in London. Peter the serving-man held the baton with the soft, grey leather head in one hand, while he gazed at his watch and waited. Fourteen minutes had elapsed since his first announcement, and when the watch-hand reached the fifteenth Peter would deliver three discreet taps on the bronze plate.

On the following day Bertrand excused himself from breakfasting with the family, then waylaid Joachim and told him that to his sincere regret he had been called away on business, and must leave the very next morning. Joachim’s first feeling was one of relief. “I’ll come with you,” he said, looking gratefully at Bertrand, who had, it was obvious, given Elisabeth up. And to show him that he too would renounce her he added kindly: “I don’t know of anything to keep me here.”

Joachim went to impart this decision to his father. But when Herr von Pasenow started in surprise and asked suspiciously, with his usual indiscretion: “How is that possible? He hasn’t had any letters since the day before yesterday,” Joachim too was startled: how, indeed, was that possible? What could have moved Bertrand to the renunciation? And along with a feeling of shame at becoming his father’s accomplice in indiscretion by posing these questions, the vision arose of a friendly triumph: it was because Elisabeth loved him, Joachim von Pasenow,
that she had rebuffed Bertrand. Of course it was quite incredible that anyone should have had the face to propose to a lady so hastily, almost in the twinkling of an eye. But anything was possible to a business man who thought he had the chance of a rich heiress. Joachim was not able to pursue these reflections, for he was startled by the sudden change in his father’s appearance; he was huddled up in the chair by the writing-table and with a vacant stare was muttering: “The scoundrel, the scoundrel … he has broken his promise.” Then he looked at Joachim and screamed: “Out you get, you and your fine friend … you’re in the plot too!” “But, Father!” “Out you go, both of you; get out!” He had sprung to his feet, and advanced upon his retreating son, driving him in short rushes towards the door. And at every pause he thrust forward his head and spat at him: “Get out!” When Joachim was in the corridor the old man slammed the door, but opened it again immediately and stuck his head out: “And tell him not to dare to write to me. Tell him I’ve no further interest in him.” The door crashed to and Joachim heard the key being turned.

He found his mother in the garden; she showed no great consternation: “He’s not one to say much, but for some days he has seemed angry with you. I think he can’t forgive you for not giving up the army. Still, it is queer.” When they turned towards the house she added: “Perhaps he was offended, too, because you brought your friend down here so soon; I think it might be better for me to see him first alone.” Joachim escorted her upstairs; the door giving on the corridor was locked, and there was no answer to her knocking. It was a little uncanny, and so they went round to the large drawing-room, since it was just possible that he might have left his study by the other door. Through the chain of empty rooms they reached the study and found it unlocked. Frau von Pasenow opened the door and Joachim saw his father sitting motionless at the writing-table, a quill in his hand. He did not move even when Frau von Pasenow advanced and bent over him. He had pressed so heavily on the quill-point that it was splintered; and on the paper stood the words: “I disinherit for dishonourable conduct my …” and then came the splutter of ink made by the broken quill. “In the name of God, what has happened?” But he made no answer. Helplessly his wife regarded him; when she noticed that the inkpot too had been upset she hastily seized the blotting-pad and tried to mop up the mess. He thrust her away with his elbow and then caught sight
of Joachim in the doorway, grinned malignantly, and attempted to go on writing with the broken quill. When it caught again in the paper and tore a hole in it he groaned aloud, pointed his forefinger at his son and cried: “Out with him!” At the same time he tried to rise, but apparently found it impossible, for he collapsed again in a huddle, disregarding the flowing ink, and sank forward over the writing-table with his face on his arms like a crying child. Joachim whispered to his mother: “I’ll call the doctor,” and ran downstairs to send a messenger to the village.