The Song Remains the Same (21 page)

“You never should have even considered going,” I spit.

“I told her I didn’t want to. I swear to fuckin’ God. But she guilt-tripped me into it. I tore her a new one over the shit she said to you—”

“So what? You still went. Now, I’m a fucking joke to the whole world.
‘Baby Girl put out to pasture as gorgeous European flame returns, fueling the ever-lasting feud between Deveraux and GianFranco.’
Pfft! No, thank you. God, when my father gets wind of it—”

“He ain’t gonna believe it! He knows what we have between us, which is more than what I can say for you at the moment!”

“Seriously? I know what we
had
, Phil. It
was
amazing. You wrecked it by being guilt-tripped by that woman. What if she wanted to fuck you for old times’ sake? Would she have guilt-tripped the pants off of you?”

His face flushed, and my jaw dropped.

“Holy shit! Did she proposition you?”

He glared at me but nodded curtly. “Somethin’ like that.”

“Even after you telling her you were
so
in love with me?”

“I
am
so in love with you, Kenna. Quit talkin’ like it’s past tense.”

Shrugging, I made my way toward the steps, but he moved to block me.

“Why are you talkin’ in past tense?” he asked quietly, a hint of panic in his voice. “We ain’t over. We ain’t ever gonna be over.”

“My trust in you is at an all-time low. You put our relationship in that situation, not me.”

“Can you honestly fuckin’ believe that I’d sneak around behind your back?”

“You did!”

“I didn’t fuckin’ touch her! And when she suggested that I should, I fuckin’ laughed in her face! You are the last woman I’ll ever be with. You’re the
only one
who gets to touch me, kiss me, hold me—”

I held up my hand, not willing to be assaulted with those sort of intimate images. I wasn’t ready to let him off the hook for what he’d done.

“I’m tired. I’m filthy. I’m not talking about this anymore tonight. I’m too angry, and I just need to cool off and think. I’m done, Phil. Okay?”

A muscle in his jaw twitched with irritation, but he backed down. “Okay.”

The atmosphere on the bus was no better. Frigid and quiet, it was nothing like it usually was after a show. Jason and Sheri sat, watching TV, having a few beers. Lili and Lewis were huddled together, talking in hushed tones. Connor must have already retreated to his foxhole. Thoughts of crusty socks filled my head, and mentally, I gagged. Flipper and Viv were nowhere to be seen, but I heard some grunting behind their locked foxhole.

I headed straight to The Attic for my pajamas and then back down to the bathroom where I took a cold shower. The ladder up to Phil and my space creaked, and I knew he had gone to bed, so he’d be waiting there for me.

He’d be waiting there all night.

Instead of making my way up, I climbed into the foxhole above Connor’s, getting a startled look from Jason for my efforts.

As quietly as I could, I slid the door shut and locked it. The bus fired up, and a few minutes later, I could feel the sway as we headed out onto the road. The rocking soon lulled me to sleep.

Sometime later, the sound of my foxhole panel being punched in awoke me and startled a hair-raising scream out of me. Lock busted, Phil slammed it open, a look of absolute fury upon his gorgeous face.

“What the fuck?”

“Fuck, Phil! Was that fucking necessary?” I shouted.

“Too fuckin’ right it was necessary!” he shouted back.

“Shut the fuck up!” X yelled from a few bunks over.

Phil shoved a finger in my face. “Knock this shit off, Kenna. Get your shit and come to bed—”

“I am in bed!” I hissed.

With his chest heaving, his eyes looked bright in the dimmed corridor light. “Please. Will you come to
our
bed now? You’ve made your point.”

“Apparently, I haven’t. If you actually think—”

“Seriously.” Connor’s voice emerged from his foxhole below as he slid his panel back. “Some of us are trying to sleep here. Can this shit wait until the morning?”

“No, it can’t,” hissed Phil.

“Dude, you fucked up. Let her have some space, okay?”

“Fuck you!” shouted Phil, looking down, incredulous.

“No, man! Fuck
you
! Did you honestly think she’d take you going out with your ex well? I know you ain’t stupid, so why you actually thought she’d roll over and take this is beyond any of us.”

Flicking at the broken lock, I wiggled the panel, finding it still worked. “Good night, Phil,” I said firmly, pulling it into its shut position.

Phil slammed it open again.

Connor punched him in the nuts, and Phil dropped like a wet sack. Down the corridor, Lili’s evil laughter filled the space. Peeking out, I saw her dark head duck back into her and Lewis’s foxhole.

Phil moaned. “You…bastard.” Cupping his groin, he rolled onto his back as he tried to catch his breath.

“Good night, Phil,” I repeated before sliding the panel shut.

Sleep was a bitch. Nothing felt right, and when I finally made the decision to get up, I was miserable. I wanted to crawl into Phil’s lap and let him hold me. We’d always been able to talk shit out, and we’d always had complete faith and trust in one another. I wanted to feel like that with him again.

By the look on his haggard face as I walked into the living room area, he felt the same, too. My guess was that sleep had completely eluded him, considering those dark circles beneath his eyes.

He bleakly looked at me. “Can we talk now?” His voice sounded rusted.

Nodding, I took the seat on the opposite end of the couch.

“You know nothing happened, right?”

“I guess—”

“You
guess
?” He sounded so incredulous that I
had
to look at him.

“What do you want me to say, Phil? You blew me off to have lunch with your ex. Why would you do that to me?”

“It wasn’t like I set out to hurt you. You can’t honestly believe that. She fuckin’ ambushed me, and I saw the opportunity to make amends for dumpin’ her the way I had while also lettin’ her know that I didn’t like the shit she had said about you.”

“Yeah? Did she apologize?”

He contemplated that for a minute. “You know, I don’t think she actually did. She made up some excuses. Damn.”

“So, what did you two talk about then?” I wasn’t really bothered that she hadn’t apologized. Her opinion of me didn’t hold water in any case.

“Well, I know I talked about you. I told her how we met and that you were the love of my life. She said somethin’ along the lines of me not rememberin’ what it was like between her and me and that maybe all I needed was a reminder. I told her that I never planned on bein’ with her for very long because I was in love with you then, too…”

I groaned. “You didn’t.”

“Fuck yeah, I did. Why wouldn’t I? It’s the truth!”

“At one point, she opened her home to you, shared her life with you, and for you to say something like that kind of blows.”

“So, what? Now, you’re mad at me for hurtin’
her
feelings?”

“No, I’m not mad about that. It’s just…I don’t even know.”

“What did you and Devon talk about?”

“A lot of things actually. We were out in the open where everyone could see how incredibly platonic our conversation was, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that there was absolutely nothing going on between us.”

“Oh, ha-ha.”

“I wouldn’t let him on our bus because I knew it would upset you. Instead, I chose a public place to engage in conversation—”

“Yeah, I get it. Look, I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t even on his bus for more than ten minutes. She changed into decent jeans and grabbed some stuff, and then we headed out. That’s it.”

“Did you watch her change?” That thought had me feeling ill and angry.

“Fuck no! Now, what did Devon say to you?”

“You’re going to have to talk with him about that. I’m not at liberty to say.”

“What? What the fuck does that even mean?”

“It means, you need to talk to him. I think you’ll find that what he has to say, at the very least, is interesting. Maybe it’ll change how you see him, how you feel about him.”

Something flashed in Phil’s eyes, a mix of sadness and anger. It hit me that he had loved Devon just as much as Devon loved him. Phil’s decision to cut ties with the guitarist had not been easy for him. It had hurt.

“Just talk to him.”

Phil closed his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t.”

Last night, I’d done something that I found to be more heartbreaking than anything I’d ever done. I’d taken off the engagement ring. Digging into my pocket, I pulled it out, and the shock on Phil’s face as I did so shattered my heart all over again.

“Phil, there are things in your past that you need to address before we move forward and have any sort of future together. I think, once you speak with Devon, you’ll be able to heal. Until then…I’m putting my promise on hold—”

“You can’t!” he choked.

Placing the ring on the table, I slid it over to him where he stared at it in horror.

“I am. I love you, Phil. My feelings for you haven’t changed. But until you put aside your pride and hear Devon out—”

“Pride?” he echoed. “You think it’s
pride
that is keeping me from talking to him?”

“Yes. I think you are too stubborn to sit down with him and have a rational conversation. He’s been reaching out to you for a while now. Things aren’t what they seem. I need you to find it in your heart to just hear him out. Until then, our engagement is on hold. Maybe our whole relationship. The only thing I can promise you right now is that I’m hurting just as much as you are, and I want it to stop. So, you need to make a choice—”

“You’re puttin’ him between us?”

“I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.”

“You
believe
him? Whatever bullshit he said got to you then.”

“It’s not bullshit. It makes sense. Yes, I believe him, and when you speak to him, you will, too. He’s clean and sober, Phil. He doesn’t share the tour bus with the rest of the band. You
need
to talk to him.”

“I can’t.”

“Then, it looks like we’ll be sleeping apart.”

Reaching out, his fingers brushed over the ring I’d hardly ever taken off. My finger ached to have it back on. I fought and lost the battle with the tears filling my eyes. Phil’s eyes were brimming, too.

“Kenna…” He swallowed thickly. “Why does it feel like my soul is bein’ crushed here? There’s no way we’re finished.”

“Like you said, we’ll never be
finished
. But that doesn’t mean this is supposed to be easy. I told you what I need from you for us to continue. Once you do that…I think you’ll see that I am right.”

“Please put it back on,” he whispered.

“One day soon…I hope I can.”

Phil

I can’t even…

She’s hurtin’, and I feel it on top of the hurt I already feel.

Kenna stood up and headed to the back of the bus. All I could do was stare at the ring she’d given back to me. My chest felt as though it were shrinking in on itself. I couldn’t breathe. My throat had closed up.

Jason came out and stared at me staring at the ring.

“Hey,” he said.

I saw his pity. Right then, I didn’t even care.

“You know this is gonna work itself out, right? It’s gonna be okay.”

“Then, why does it feel like I’ve just lost my reason for livin’?”

“Because it sucks, man. But maybe it’ll help you see Kenna for what she really is.”

That got me fired up. “Oh, yeah? And what is she really?”

“Human,” he replied simply. “You want some coffee?”

I nodded, and he went and made a pot before bringing me a cup. It wasn’t as good as when Alys or Kenna made it.

“She’s just hurtin’, Phil. We all know that you would never do anythin’ with another woman. She knows it, too. But…I think she’s onto somethin’ with the whole Devon thing. There’s shit between you two that needs to be hashed out. I think you blame yourself as much as you blame him.”

“You didn’t see what he did, Jace.”