The Space Between Us (34 page)

   “Because I loved you! I loved you regardless of what had happened!
  I stood there, watching you with her, with blood running down my legs, and thought that seeing you with her, that was my punishment.  This life?  The life I lead where I think of you every day, where I am reminded every single day of the lives I wasn’t strong enough to hold on to, that is my punishment.”

   “Charlie,” I say as I run my thumb over her cheek, as I search her eyes for the girl I have loved for most of my life.  “It isn’t your fault.  It wasn’t your fault.  You did nothing wrong.”
  I press my lips on to hers, just making contact, a kiss meant to soothe.

   “I lost our babies,” she said against my lips, through tears, breaking the very last piece of my heart.

   “Oh, Bit, you didn’t lose our babies.  They weren’t ready yet.”  I moved my mouth along her face, kissing away tears that were still flowing down her face.  “They’re waiting for us.  I promise we’ll meet them someday.  But it wasn’t your fault.  It wasn’t anybody’s fault.”  I leaned back and pushed her hair back from her face again, wanting to see her eyes.  She didn’t shy away from me; she stared right back at me.

   “I’ve spent so many years wondering how you could have been with someone else.  How, if you felt even one fraction of the love I felt for you, you could give that part of you to someone so quickly.  I did
n’t know how to deal with it, deal with you being with her, deal with the miscarriage.  I still don’t know how.  I just ran.  I left.  I borrowed money from my dad and I went somewhere new.”  She closed her eyes and swallowed, gulping down emotion.

   “Don’t run away from me anymore, please.  I’m here.  I’ve been here all along.  I
’ve got nothing without you.  Please…”  I pressed my lips to hers again, but this time I meant to convince her, to end the separation, to crush the space between us.  My lips crashed into hers and she didn’t fight me, didn’t push me away, but didn’t kiss me either.  “Let me in, Bit.  Let me back in.”  I kissed her again, softer, making silent promises, invisible vows that I wouldn’t break again.  I’d never let her hurt again – not for a misunderstanding.  I kissed her as if I was trying to save her or myself.  I kissed her to bring her back.

   My entire world exploded when I felt her hands slide up my back and her lips kiss me back.

Charlie

   Was this really happening?

   Were Asher’s hands really running freely through my hair?  And were my hands running along his back?  How had we gotten to this place?  My heart began to race as my mind tried to take over, fears leaking through this wonderful moment.

   “Asher,” I said against his mouth.  He didn’t answer me.  He just kissed me harder, with more passion.  I gave in to it, allowing my body to enjoy his for a little while.  It was hard not to; he was all I had wanted since forever.  Our mouths fused and our tongues slid across each other, and I was reminded of how our bodies seemed to be made for each other.  His hands stretched all over me: my waist, my hips, my arms, my stomach, my neck.  It was as if he couldn’t feel enough of me, as if I was going to slip away. 

   “Asher,” I repeated as his lips pulled away from mine, only to travel down my neck.  “Please, let’s slow down.  I need a breather.”  Even saying the words hurt.  He slowed, but he didn’t stop.

   “If I let you go,” he said between kisses that were slipping between my breasts, making me gasp, “I’m afraid I’ll never get you back.”  He grabbed my waist and lifted me to sit on the edge of the counter.  I was eye level with him and he wormed his way in between my legs, pushing his hips into mine.  I became instantly aware of the fact that I was just in my underwear and I lost all control of the situation.  I raised my hand up and placed it on his chest, pushing him away.  I had to add my other hand and push hard, but I finally got him to step backwards so I could look him in the eyes.

   “
I don’t think this is a good idea.”  I tried to wiggle down from the counter but was just met by the brick wall that was his body.  He wasn’t moving for anything.

   “Give me three reasons why this is a bad idea.”  He crossed his arms in front of him, unwilling to budge.

   “Well, for one, we haven’t even really solved any problems.  I am just supposed to take your word for it that you didn’t sleep with her?”

   “Yes.  You are.  I’ve got no reason to lie to you.  I wa
s a nineteen-year-old boy, Bit.  I was dumb and stupid and I never should have walked out on you the way I did, but I did not sleep with her.  I’m not sitting here trying to rationalize anything.  I did not sleep with anyone.  Not until you’d been gone a long time.”

   “And your words are just supposed to be enough?  I’ve been grappling with this for years and I’m just supposed to move on?  Forget it?  Assume you’re not lying?”

   “Yes.  Now give me the second reason.”

   “We’re two completely different people than we were back in college.  We might not even be compatible anymore.”  At those words Asher gave me the biggest and brightest smile I had ever seen.  I didn’t smile back, but seeing his dimple definitely made
my wall crumble a little more.

   “That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said,” he said with his sexy smile.  “We’ll always be compatible.  You’re an extension of me.  A piece I’ve been missing for so long, Bit.”  His voice softened and his smile disappeared, replaced by a sad look in his eyes that tugged at a part of my heart that had been dormant for a very long time.
His hand rested on my bare knee and then slowly slid down my calf.  His other hand did the same thing and when his hands reached my ankles, he grabbed them and wrapped them around his waist, once again pulling me into him.  His eyes never left mine as his hands left my ankles and moved to my waist.  One hand wrapped around my middle, pulling me even closer into him.  His other hand moved up to the clasp of my bra.         

   “You’re going to have to give me one more reason, Bit.”  As the words fell from his mouth, the clasp of my bra popped open and it fell to the floor, next to my dress.  His hands obviously felt
like they had more room to roam and he didn’t waste any time.  My eyes rolled back into my head as his hand found my breast.  And if I thought the feeling of his fingers brushing against my nipple was the most wonderful feeling in the world, I wasn’t prepared for his hot mouth to close over the other one.

   “Give me one good r
eason,” he said around my flesh, the vibrations of his words mixed with the heat of his mouth making both breasts ache with need.  I hadn’t felt need like this in years – over a decade.  I didn’t want him to stop, not really.  I wanted everything he was offering.  The problem was, I wanted so much more.

   “If we do this, Asher, if we have sex tonight, there’s no going back for me.  I won’t be able to walk away.  I’ll fall right back in love with you.  Do you understand that?  The more you touch me, the more you make me feel
alive
again, the worse it’s going to be for me when this is over.  So, as much as I want this, as much as I want you, or us, I can’t put myself through another thirteen years of trying to get over you.”

   As I made my declaration, as I spoke the truest words I’d spoken since the day I told him I was pregnant, his hands moved to cup my face and my chest came to rest against his.  Our noses were nearly touching, our breaths intermingling.  I was waiting for him to
pull away, realizing what I had, that this was a mistake. 

   “Bit,” he whispered right before he placed a gentle kiss against my mouth.  The kiss was sweet and soft, and my eyes began to water when I thought it was a goodbye kiss.  If this was the last time
, the last kiss, I wanted to remember it.  I threaded my fingers through his hair and brought my body against his.  I felt the sobs coming and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold it together much longer.  I felt his hands move from my face and my heart started pounding at his absence.  His lips moved off me and a cry escaped me.

   Then I felt his hand float through my hair and wrap around it, tugging it down, pulling my face up to look at him once more.  Then
he pulled it to the side, causing my neck to bend, exposing the delicate skin.  He ran his nose up and down the curve created for him, smelling and tasting me, before he landed his lips right in the juncture of my neck and shoulder, the sensitive spot that made my toes curl.

   “We aren’t going to have sex tonight,” he said against my neck making me shiver.  “I’m going to take you into the bedroom, lay you down, and show you how much I love you.  How much I’ve always loved you.
  And tomorrow, when we wake up, it will be something new.  A beginning.  You’ll never have to get over me again, because I’m not going anywhere.”

   I made the decision at that moment, with his mouth against my skin and his hands in my hair, to trust him and to trust myself to make the best decision.

   “Show me,” was all I said and he had me lifted into his arms instantly.  As he carried me out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, his mouth found mine again and his previously sweet and soft kisses had a more urgent feeling now.  Thirteen years of built-up tension and longing made everything intensify.  He laid me down on the bed and climbed over me.  His nearness was overwhelming.  I reached up to unbutton his shirt and the feeling of his warm skin beneath the fabric nearly burned me.  When his mouth found the spot beneath my ear that he used to be so familiar with, it sent shockwaves through my system.

   I reached up and slid his shirt over his shoulders and down his arms, feeling the tight muscles along the way.  In college he was always in such good shape from basketball and summers on his grandfather’s farm, and although his frame was still sturdy and strong, he was more masculine than I ever remembered him being.  He’d grow
n up and I realized I laid with a man.  This would be different and for that I was glad.  I didn’t want a reminder of what we used to be, I wanted to move forward.

   His mouth moved down from my neck and over my collarbone.  He splayed light kisses everywhere his mouth went while his hands roamed over my heated skin.

   “You feel so good, Bit.”

   I smiled at his words, at his nickname for me.  It was the first time I’d heard it and not felt my heart clench in pain. 

   “I agree.  I feel pretty damn good.”  I felt him chuckle against the soft tissue of my breast, but then gasped as his mouth closed around my nipple, sucking fiercely, his tongue alternatively flicking and licking.  His other hand moved to my empty breast and gave the other nipple a gentle yet firm tug.  My hands found their way to his hair and threaded through his locks, gripping slightly.  Each tug and suck of my breasts ignited a fury of flames between my legs and I found myself grinding my hips up towards him, looking for contact.

   His mouth moved down, skimming over the skin of my stomach, stopping to tease my navel.  I felt his hands lightly trail down my sides, stopping at my waist and holding on.  He lifted his head and I saw him move over to my ribcage that bared his name.

   “I like seeing my name on you,” he said as he placed one small kiss over it.

   “I liked having it.  In a small way it was like you were always with me.”  I continued to push my fingers through his dark hair, the feeling of it almost hypnotizing.

   “I never left you, Bit.  I promise.  I never moved on and I never wanted anyone else.  It’s always just been you.”

   “I know,” I replied softly.
  His hands moved down to my panties, the only article of clothing I had left.  His fingers eased themselves inside the top and he looked at me with raised eyebrows, asking for permission.  I gave him a nod and a smile – all the go-ahead he needed.  I lifted my hips as he pulled them down.  Once I was bare, I watched his eyes glide over me, stopping to focus on my core.  His hands ran up and down my thighs and I inhaled sharply as he gently pushed my knees apart, spreading me open for him.  He must have sensed my nervousness because he leaned forward and pressed a small kiss just above my mound, his hands wrapping around my hips to grip my ass, pulling me closer to him.

   “It’s just me.  Just you and me here.  I’ve missed you and I want to love all of you.  Relax for me.”

   I sighed and willed myself to breath in and out, hoping my nerves would calm.  I wanted this and I wanted him, but I was afraid of feeling so much after so long being numb.  I felt his fingers gingerly glide over my wetness, teasing me, letting me acclimate to being touched by him again. 

   “Every part of you is so beautiful,” his whispered into the curls above my core
.  His words distracted me from the fact that his thumbs were gently spreading me open.  I gasped when I felt his mouth near me, blowing warm air over my sensitive flesh.  When his tongue dipped inside I stifled a groan and my back arched off the bed.  “You’re gonna have to hold still for me, Baby.”  I felt his hands grip my hips and press down, his attempt at restraining me, as he continued his assault.  His tongue lapped at my opening, dove in, and swirled around.  I felt every movement deep inside of me, rocking me back and forth.

   My hands came up to my forehead out of glory and frustration.  Everything felt so amazing, but I needed more.

   “Oh God, Asher.  Please…” I begged.  For what?  I wasn’t sure.

   “Trust me,” Asher replied.  Wasn’t that clever?  The last thirteen years of my life had been torturous because I had been afraid to trust him, afraid to believe that perhaps, in the end, I should give him the benefit of the doubt.  And now, here we were, in the most intimate situation I
could imagine, and he asked for my trust.  He asked me let go and let him lead me, to abandon the thoughts and life I had gripped on to so tightly for all these years, and to give him the control.  It might have been a pinnacle moment in my life and it might have been a bigger deal to some others, but in this particular fragment of time, it was clear and simple.

   “I trust you,” I whispered, not even sure he heard me.  Whether or not he heard me wasn’t important.  T
he important part was that I decided to let myself forgive.  I forgave him for making a mistake when he was younger and I forgave myself for accepting the blame for something that wasn’t my fault.  I felt myself relax at my realization.  The tension I always carried with me, the constant tightness in my shoulders, as if I was a rubber band waiting to snap, moved away and was replaced by a new, delicious tension in between my legs.

   Asher felt the difference and took advantage.  His mouth moved up as he found my clit, sucking and gently nibbling on it, while he pushed two fingers into me, causing me to cry out.

   “Fuck, yes,” I moaned.

   His tongue moved against my clit quicker and his fingers found their rhythm against
the bundle of nerves hiding inside me.  I breathed hard, in and out, trying to relax and let myself feel the release I missed for so long.

   “Bit,” he moaned against me.

   “Asher, don’t you fucking stop,” I wailed.

   “Come for me.”

   I heard his words and it felt like someone had pushed me off of a bridge.  My stomach dropped, my heart stopped, and my entire body convulsed around him.  Tiny volts of electricity shot through my limbs.  My legs tingled and my toes curled.  My back arched off the bed, trying to milk every last piece of feeling from the most cosmically awesome orgasm I ever had.  And Asher, bless him, had continued to kiss my core throughout the entire experience.

   After I came
all the way down from the highest of highs, he moved up my body again.  I instantly grabbed his face and pulled him towards mine.  He was a breath away from me, breathing hard, and I leaned forward the last inch to connect our mouths.  I tasted myself on him and I loved it.  I loved what he did to me, how he made me feel, and this kiss was an extension of that.  I rolled us over and straddled his lap, still kissing his lips while I worked on unbuttoning his jeans.