The Space In Between (12 page)

The wind was knocked out of me. I opened my eyes. No…It was
all too fast. It was only a few hours ago we’d decided we would actually be
friends. Friends with benefits of course, but just friends. And now he was
telling me that he loved—
err, hated
—me.

And the first thing that came to my mind was Derrick. How
could I do this to him? It was only a few months ago he’d passed away. And I
was sitting in a bedroom with another man.

WHAT THE FUCK was I thinking?
Son
of a bitch.
Please stop crying.
Andrea’s eyes were flooding with
tears. She turned her back to me and kept saying it was all right. That she was
fine.

“Clearly you’re not, Andrea.”
I’m sorry.
I couldn’t
believe I put my foot in my mouth in such a stupid-ass way. “I didn’t mean it!”
I swore. Yes, I did mean it. I loved her. I couldn’t help it. How could anyone
not love such a woman? Broken pieces and all. But if telling her I loved her
meant she would shatter even more, then I would take it back. I would laugh it
off. I would want her to doubt there was any truth to the matter.

She turned and wiped her eyes. Laughing, she shrugged her
shoulders. “I’m all right. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten so personal
with stating the likes earlier. I’m sorry, it’s just…”

She paused and shifted her feet on the ground. I wished I
could wrap my arms around her and protect her from the demons that were
attacking her fragile thoughts, but I knew right now wouldn’t be the time or
place. I gave her the time she needed to arrange her thoughts.

“It’s just—it’s all crap, you know? That ‘‘Til death do us
part.’ That ‘love forever and always’ garbage. I mean, I know Derrick and I
weren’t officially married, but we believed in the vows the first day we met.
And here’s the thing…The person who dies from the car crash, he gets to leave.
That’s the end of it for them. But there’s the other person still left behind
in this damn place. The person still attached to those bullshit vows. And
you’re stuck. And you can’t move.”

She was overwhelmed. Her poor eyes were bloodshot and her
small body shook with sadness. What was I doing? It was only a little over six
months ago when she went through the worst tragedy any person could experience.
The words she spoke were cutting me because I never truly stopped to see how
she was still in mourning.

“And out of nowhere, it seems you start to forget the little
things about him. His smells are gone from the pillows. His laugh is hard to
imagine. And you feel guilty that you’re forgetting, so you try hard to hold on
to something that’s not even there anymore. And you feel ashamed…”

Her eyes met mine and her legs trembled as she bit her
bottom lip—a trait she had when she was nervous. “And you feel ashamed because
you
like
so many things about someone else. And you feel as if you’re
cheating on your loved one.”

“Andrea…Derrick would want you to be happy.”

“I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Why not?”

Her tears ran down her cheeks and she shook her head back
and forth. She was fighting the biggest battle with her inner self. “Because I
killed him.”

I could tell it was that one thought which had been haunting
her since the accident. I could tell she had never said those words before, but
she thought them daily. And I could tell she meant it from the bottom of her
heart. “No, you didn’t.”

She nodded franticly, everything about her being falling
apart. “Yes I did. I did. I should have watched the road better. I should have
focused. If it weren’t for me, he would be alive.”

I stepped close to her and she stepped back, shaking her
head. I cringed a bit, watching her clam up. “Andrea…”

“I don’t deserve to be…” She cried, rubbing her hands across
her face.

“Don’t say it.” I warned her. She didn’t think she deserved
to live…She believed she should have died. That thought alone made me die a
little. She shifted her eyes to the ground, shaking her head back and forth,
gasping for air as her lungs went into overdrive. She was having a panic
attack, and I was scared shitless that she was going to pass out any second
now.

“Andrea, look at me.
Now
.” I demanded. When her eyes
met mine, I made sure not to lose her. “I need you to do something for me.” Her
head tilted to the side, wondering what I would request. Her tiny body was
still a wreck from shaking.

I lowered my voice and held my arm out to her. “I need you
to let me hold you, okay? Can you do that for me? I need to wrap my arms around
you, and have you cry into me. Forget everything that has happened between us.
Forget everything else in the world. Right now I just need to be the wall you
lean up against to keep you from falling tonight.”

A small breath escaped my lips as her fingers intertwined
with mine. Relief filled me, watching her move closer to me. I couldn’t give
her space anymore. My arms wrapped around her small frame and I held on. She
cried into me as she proceeded to break down even more. “Slow down your
breaths, Andrea…
Slow
.” The tears started to form in my eyes and I
blinked them away before she would notice. Knowing that she was hurting in such
a major way broke everything inside of me. I never felt so helpless in my life.

I held on to her for a long time after that. I didn’t care
how long we had to stand there; I was prepared to hold her for the rest of my
life if she needed me to.

“I CAN SLEEP on the couch,” she
offered. I shook my head; she needed rest.

“No, of course not. You stay here. I’ll grab one of the guest
rooms.”

“Are you sure?”

“Andrea.” I smirked and nudged her to the bed. It was nice
to see she had calmed down a bit. “If you need anything, I’ll be two rooms
down.”

“I’ll be all right.”

I stood in the doorway, eyes on her. There was nothing I
wanted to do more than protect her from any harm. But that night I did all I
could. I shut off the light and walked out of the room. “Coop.” At the sound of
my name I was standing in the doorway, turning her light on once more. I waited
for her to continue speaking as she rubbed her fingers over her tired eyes.
“I’ll be better tomorrow,” she promised.

Leaning against the door frame, I shook my head. “No you
won’t. But that’s okay…I’ll wait.”

She sighed, shifting around the bed sheets. “For how long?”

I could tell she thought she had run me off, but I wasn’t
going anywhere. “I’m here, Andrea. I’m here. And I’m not going to rush you. And
I’m not even asking anything of you. But I’m here whenever you need me to be.
How long will I wait? Take forever and multiple it by infinity. And then I’ll
wait some more.”

Seeing her small smile appear made me grin. I nodded, told
her to try to get some rest, and disappeared down the hallway to try to find a
few hours of rest for myself.

MY SENSES WERE awakening to the
smell of coffee lingering under my nose. The morning sun was dancing through
the blinds and touching my cheeks. I rolled over in the bed, taking in the
delicious aroma. My eyes stayed closed for awhile; they were so heavy—so tired.

I ran my hands through my hair, sat up in my bed, and looked
at my surroundings. On the nightstand next to me was a tray with eggs, bacon,
and a bagel. In a small vase were a few beautiful flowers. Pinks, yellows,
whites. I assumed Cooper picked them from the front of the house. A sigh fell
from me; even after last night he still picked me flowers.

As I picked up the cup of coffee, I breathed in the strong
flavors before I sipped.
He even added cream and sugar.
The perfect
amount. The coffee was still steaming hot, so it couldn’t have been that long
ago since Cooper delivered it.

I gobbled a piece of bacon down, and that’s when I noticed a
note sitting on the tray, under the vase.

My lips curved as I saw him call me by my middle name—one of
the little known facts I’d shared with him the night prior.

Part of me was sad I’d missed him, but then again I didn’t
want to face him after my breakdown last night. I didn’t know what had
happened; perhaps it was the wine or maybe the unconventional confession of
love. Possibly it was both. All I knew was that I was pretty freaking
embarrassed.

What would I do while I waited for Cooper?

DANCE.

I stretched on the tennis court in his backyard. The sun was
covered by thin clouds, and would reintroduce itself to me every time the
clouds traveled on to their next location. Placing my iPhone on the ground, I
turned on my favorite music station. The tweeting birds added their own
soundtrack to the moment, making it that much more special.

My heart was still aching for Derrick each day. But Cooper
made the aching less intense. Cooper made me feel like I was floating. He made
me feel alive. And since he wasn’t here right now, I would turn to the next
thing that made me feel good no matter what. Dance.

Rumi once said, “Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if
you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of fighting. Dance in your
blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

I wasn’t free from Derrick’s hold on my soul yet. But I
would dance anyway. The music started to blare from my small speakers and I
moved across the tennis court. It was my stage and I, the dancer. I would spin,
I would leap, and I would feel. Feel the excitement of losing myself in the
dance. It was my drug and I was ready to overdose on it. I would twirl until
the world appeared dizzy. I would bend my body and make love to the movement.
My breath would be in total control. I was the instructor and my legs were the
students. They would move when I commanded them to. They would fly when I
needed them to.

I danced for hours. I danced as the sun grew tired. And then
I danced some more.

I thought I heard the click of his camera before it
happened—I didn’t stop moving. I kept going. As I spun I could see him inching
closer, snapping away at me. I posed for him. I leaped. I explored the space.

I let go.

I let go because I was sure he would catch me.

His sexy smile was hidden behind the camera, but I knew it
was there. I finally brought myself to a halt. My legs were exhausted, so I
allowed them to lie down on the tennis court. I lay down on my back as the
sweat dripped down my face. It’d been so long since I allowed myself to stop
and remember something I loved to do.

He lay down next to me, shoulder to shoulder. Turning to
him, I felt the butterflies return. “How’s your mom?”

“She had another good day. I think you helped make her
better yesterday.”

I bit my lower lip. He made me feel the best kind of nerves.
“I think you’re making me better.”

Instant comfort.
I glanced down at our hands; he held
mine and we both lay silent with our heads turned up to the sky. I was
surprised at how he wasn’t extremely freaked out by me. Why didn’t he go
running after last night?

“Thanks for breakfast.”

“Anytime.”

I smiled. Because I knew he meant that.