The Stolen Child (10 page)

“I don’t think I can fit through that. My head’s too big, and I’m not that skinny.”

“Luchóg is a mouse,” Speck said. “Watch and learn.”

He told me the secret of softening one’s bones. The gist is to think like a mouse or a bat, simply realizing one’s own flexibility. “It will hurt the first time, lad, like every good thing, but there’s no trick to it. A matter of faith. And practice.”

He disappeared into the crack, and Speck followed him, exhaling a single drawn-out sigh. Pushing through that narrow space hurt more than I can say. The abrasions on my temples took weeks to heal. After softening myself, I had to remember to keep my muscles tense for a while or risk an arm or a leg going limp. But Luchóg was right—with practice, squeezing became second nature.

Underneath the library, the crawlspace was dark and foreboding, so when Speck struck a match, the flame glowed with hope. She touched the flame to a candlewick, and with the candle lit a hurricane lamp that smelled of must and kerosene. Each successive illumination brought the dimensions and features of the room into sharper focus. The back of the building had been built on a slight slope, so that the floor inclined from our entranceway, where one could stand quite comfortably, rising to the opposite wall, where one could rest only by sitting. I can’t tell you how many times I bumped my head on the ceiling by that far wall. The chamber had been made accidentally, a sort of hollow beneath a new addition to the old library building. Since it did not rest on the same foundation, the room was hotter than outside during the summer and bone-cold in the winter. By lamplight I could see that someone had added a few homey touches—a brace of rugs, a few drinking vessels, and, in the northwest corner, a sort of easy chair fashioned from salvaged blankets. Luchóg began fiddling with his cigarette pouch, and Speck ordered him out, if he must smoke. Grumbling, he scooted through the crack.

“So what do you think, Aniday? A bit rustic, but still         .         .         .         civilization.”

“It’s grand.”

“You haven’t seen the best part. The whole reason I brought you here.” Speck motioned me to follow, and we scuttled up the incline to the back wall. She reached up, turned out a knob, and a panel dropped from the ceiling. In a flash, she hoisted herself up through the hole and was gone. I knelt on the spot, waiting for her return, looking up through the empty space. All at once, her face appeared in the frame.

“Are you coming or not?” she whispered.

I followed her into the library. The pale light from our chamber below dissipated in the room, but I could still make out—my heart leapt at the sight—row after row, shelf above shelf, floor to ceiling, a city of books. Speck turned to me and asked, “Now, what shall we read first?”

•                    CHAPTER 11                    •

T
he end, when it arrived, proved both timely and apt. Not only had I learned everything Mr. Martin had to offer, but I was sick of it all—the practice, the repertoire, the discipline, and the ennui of eighty-eight keys. By the time I turned sixteen, I began looking for an excuse to quit, a way out that would not break my mother’s heart. The truth is that while I am a very good pianist, great even, I was never sublime. Yes, by far the best in our remote hamlet, no doubt our corner of the state, maybe the best from border to border, but beyond that, no. I lacked the passion, the consuming fire, to be a world-class pianist. Looking forward, the alternative was dreadful. To end up like old Mr. Martin himself, teaching others after a second-rate career? I would rather play in a bordello.

Over breakfast one morning, I opened with this gambit: “Mom, I don’t think I’m going to get any better.”

“Better than what?” she asked, whipping eggs.

“At the piano, at music. I think it’s as far as I can go.”

She poured the mess into a skillet, the eggs sizzling as they hit butter and hot iron, and said nothing while she stirred. She served me a plate of eggs and toast, and I ate them in silence. Coffee cup in hand, she sat across the table from me. “Henry,” she said softly, wanting my attention. “Do you remember the day when you were a little boy and ran away from home?”

I did not, but I nodded in the affirmative between bites.

“It was a bright day and hot, hotter than Hades. I wanted a bath to cool off. The heat’s one thing I can’t get used to. And I asked you to mind Mary and Elizabeth, and you disappeared into the forest. Do you remember that?”

There was no way I could remember, but I nodded my head as I swallowed the last slug of orange juice.

“I put the girls to bed and came back down, but you were gone.” Her eyes welled up as she recounted the experience. “We looked over hill and yon but couldn’t find you. As the day wore on, I called your father to come home, and then we telephoned the police and the firemen, and we were all looking for you for hours, calling out your name into the night.” She looked past me, as if reliving the experience in her mind’s eye.

“Any more eggs, Mom?”

She waved her spoon toward the stove, and I helped myself. “When it grew dark, I grew afraid for you. Who knows what lives out in that forest? I knew a woman once in Donegal whose baby was stolen from her. She’d gone out to pick blackberries and left her child sleeping on a blanket on a bright summer day, and when she came back, the baby was gone, and they never did find it, poor thing, not a trace. All that remained was an impression left on the grass.”

I peppered my eggs and dug in.

“I thought of you lost and wanting your mother, and I couldn’t get to you, and I prayed to God that you’d come home. When they found you, it was like a second chance. Quitting would be throwing away
your
second chance, your God-given gift. It’s a blessing and you should use your talent.”

“Late for school.” I mopped the plate clean with a heel of bread, kissed the top of her head, and exited. Before I made it down the front steps, I regretted not being more forceful. Most of my life has been ruled by indecision, and I am grateful when fate intercedes, relieving me from choice and responsibility for my actions.

By the time of the winter recital that year, just the sight and sound of the piano made my stomach churn. I could not disappoint my parents by quitting Mr. Martin altogether, so I pretended that all was well. We arrived early at the concert hall, and I left my family at the door to find their seats while I moped about backstage. The folderol surrounding the recitals remained unchanged. In the wings of the theater, students milled about, mentally preparing for their turns, practicing their fingering on any flat surface. Mr. Martin paced among us, counting heads, reassuring the stage-frightened, the incompetent, and the reluctant. “You are my prize pupil,” he said. “The best I’ve ever taught. The only real piano player in the whole bunch. Make them cry, Henry.” And with that, he pinned a carnation on my lapel. He swirled and parted the curtains to the brightness of the footlights to welcome the assemblage. My performance was the grand finale, so I had time to duck out the back and smoke a Camel pinched from my father’s pack. A winter’s night had fallen, clear and cold. A rat, startled by my presence in the alley, stopped and stared at me. I showed the vermin my teeth, hissed and glowered, but I could not scare it. Once upon a time, such creatures were terrified of me.

That frozen night, I felt entirely human and heartened at the thought of the warm theater. If this was to be my farewell performance, I resolved to give them something to remember me by. I moved like a whip, cracking the keys, thundering, floating, the right pressure on all the partial notes. Members of the audience began rising from their seats to lead the applause before the strings stopped humming. Enchanted, they showered their huzzahs, so much so that I almost forgot how much I hated the whole business. Backstage, Mr. Martin greeted me first, tears of joy in his eyes, squealing “Bravo,” and then the other students, half of them barely masking their resentment, the other half consumed with jealousy, acknowledging with grudging graciousness that I had outshone their performances. In came the parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, and assorted music lovers. They clumped around the players, but I drew the largest crowd, and I did not notice the woman in the red coat until most of the well-wishers had vanished.

My mother was wiping lipstick from my cheek with a wet handkerchief when the woman meandered into my peripheral vision. She appeared normal and pleasant, about forty years old. Her deep brown hair framed an intelligent face, but I was perplexed at the way her pale green eyes had fixed upon me. She stared, scrutinized, studied, and pondered, as if dredging up an inner mystery. She was an utter stranger to me.

“Excuse me,” she said. “But you’re Andrew Day?”

“Henry Day,” I corrected her.

“Right, Henry. You play wonderfully.”

“Thank you.” I turned back to my parents, who intimated that they were ready to go.

Maybe she saw my profile, or perhaps the simple act of turning away set off something in her brain, but she gasped and drew her fingers to her mouth. “You’re him,” she said. “You’re the little boy.”

I squinted at her and smiled.

“You are the one I saw in the woods that night. On the road? With the deer?” She started to raise her voice. “Don’t you remember? I saw you on the road with those other boys. It must have been eight or nine years ago by now. You’re all grown up and everything, but you’re that little boy, no doubt. I was worried about you.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, ma’am.” I turned to go, but she grabbed my arm.

“It is you. I cracked my head on the dashboard when I hit the deer, and I thought you were a dream at first. You came out of the forest—”

I yelped a sound that hushed the room, a pure raw cry that startled everyone, myself included. I did not realize my capacity for such an inhuman noise still existed. My mother intervened.

“Let go of my son,” she told her. “You’re hurting his arm.”

“Look, lady,” I said, “I don’t know you.”

My father stepped into the middle of the triangle. “What is this all about?”

The woman’s eyes flashed in anger. “I saw your boy. One night I was driving home from the country, and this deer jumped right onto the road in front of my car. I swerved to miss her, but I clipped her with my bumper. I didn’t know what to do, so I got out of the car to see if I could help.”

She shifted her attention from my father and began addressing me. “From the woods comes this boy, about seven or eight years old. Your son. And he startled me more than the deer did. Out of nowhere, walks right up to the deer like the most natural thing in the world; then he bent down to its mouth or nose or whatever you call it. Hard to believe, but he cupped his hand over her muzzle, and breathed. It was magic. The deer rolled off her side, unfolded her legs, stood, and sprang off. The most incredible thing that’s ever happened to me.”

I realized then that she had experienced an encounter. But I knew I had not seen her before, and while some changelings are willing to inspire wild animals, I never engaged in such foolishness.

“I got a real good look at the boy in my headlights,” she said, “although not so good at his friends in the forest. It was you. Who are you really?”

“I don’t know her.”

My mother, riveted by her story, came up with an alibi. “It can’t be Henry. Listen, he ran away from home when he was seven years old, and I didn’t let him out of my sight for the next few years. He was never out by himself at night.”

The intensity melted from the woman’s voice, and her eyes searched for a sign of faith. “He looked at me, and when I asked him his name, he ran away. Since that night I’ve wondered         .         .         .”

My father spoke in a gentle tone he seldom used. “I’m sorry, but you must be mistaken. Everybody has a double in the world. Maybe you saw someone who looked a bit like my son. I’m sorry for your troubles.” She looked into his eyes, searching for affirmation, but he offered only the solace of his calm demeanor. He took the red coat from her arm and held it open for her. She slipped inside it, then left the room without a word, without looking back. In her wake trailed the remnants of anger and anxiety.

“Did you ever?” my mother asked. “What a story. And to think that she’d actually have the nerve to say it.”

From the corner of my eye, I could see my father watching me, and the sensation unnerved me. “Can we go now? Can we get out of here?”

When we were all in the car and out of the city, I announced my decision. “I’m not going back there. No more recitals, no more lessons, no more strangers coming up to me with their wild stories. I quit.”

For a moment, I thought my father would drive off the road. He lit a cigarette and let Mom take over the conversation.

“Henry, you know how I feel about quitting.         .         .         .”

“Did you hear what that lady said?” Mary chimed in. “She thought you lived in the woods.”

“You don’t even like to stand next to a tree.” Elizabeth laughed.

“This isn’t about your feelings, Mom, but mine.”

My father stared at the white line in the middle of the road.

“You are a sensitive boy,” my mother continued. “But you can’t let one woman with one story ruin your life. You don’t mean to tell me you’re going to quit eight years of work on the basis of a fairy tale.”

“It isn’t the woman in the red coat. I’ve had enough. Gone as far as I can go.”

“Bill, why don’t you say something?”

“Dad, I’m tired of it. Sick of practice, practice, practice. Tired of wasting my Saturdays. I think I should have a say over my own life.”

He drew a deep breath and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. The rest of the Days understood the signal. Quiet all the way home. That night I could hear them talking, make out the ebb and flow of a loud and emotional confrontation, but I had lost all ability to eavesdrop from a distance. Once in a while I’d hear a “goddam” or “bloody” explode from him, and she may have cried—I suppose she did—but that’s it. Near midnight, he stormed out of the house, and the sound of the car pulling away left a desolation. I went downstairs to see if Mom had survived the ordeal and found her calmly sitting in the kitchen, a shoebox open on the table before her.

“Henry, it’s late.” She tied a ribbon around a bundle of letters and set it in the box. “Your father used to write once a week while he was over in North Africa.” I knew the story by heart, but she unwound it again. Pregnant, with a husband overseas at war, all of nineteen at the time, she lived with his parents. She was still alone at the time of Henry’s birth, and I was now almost as old as she had been through the whole ordeal. Counting my life as a hobgoblin, I was old enough to be her grandfather. Untamed age had crept into her heart.

“You think life’s easy when you’re young, and can take almost anything because your emotions run so strong. When you’re up, you’re in the stars, and when you’re down, you’re at the bottom of the well. But although I’ve grown old—”

She was thirty-five by my calculations.

“That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be young. Of course, it’s your life to do with what you choose. I had high hopes for you as a pianist, Henry, but you can be whatever you wish. If it’s not in your heart, I understand.”

“Would you like a cup of tea, Mom?”

“That would be grand.”

T
wo weeks later, during the afternoon before Christmas, Oscar Love and I drove into the city to celebrate my newly won independence. Ever since that episode with Sally, I’d had a question or two about my capability to have intercourse, so the trip was not without apprehension. When I lived in the forest, only one of those monsters could do the trick. He had been captured too late in his childhood, at the cusp of puberty, and he gave the poor females nothing but trouble. The rest of us were not ready physically to perform the act.

But I was ready to experience sex that night. Oscar and I tipped back a bottle of cheap wine. Thus fortified, we approached the house at dusk as the girls were opening up shop. I would like to report that losing my virginity was both exotic and erotic, but the truth is that it was mainly dark, rough, and over much more quickly than I had expected. She was fair-skinned and past her glory, the crown of platinum hair a come-on and a ruse, and among her several rules for the duration, no kissing. When I displayed a tentative uncertainty as to where and how to go about the act, she grabbed me with her hand and pushed me into position. A short time later, all that remained was to get dressed, pay the bill, and wish her merry Christmas.

When morning came with gifts around the tree and the family lounging in pajamas and robes, I felt on my way to a brand-new life. Mom and the twins were oblivious to any change as they went about their cheerful tasks, offering genuine affection and consideration of one another. My father, on the other hand, may have suspected my debauch of the night before. Earlier that morning, when I came home around two o’clock, the living room smelled of Camels, as if he had been waiting up for me and only gone to bed when Oscar’s car pulled into the driveway. Throughout that drowsy holiday, my father moved about the house the way a bear moves through its territory when it smells the presence of another male. Nothing said, but wayward glances, brusqueness, a snarl or two. For the rest of our time together, we did not get along. A year and a half remained in my high school career before I could get away to college, so we circled one another, barely exchanging a sentence on our rare encounters. He treated me like a stranger half of the time.