Authors: Max Frei,Polly Gannon

Tags: #Mystery & Detective, #Horror, #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General, #Epic

The Stranger (93 page)

BOOK: The Stranger

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The “indispensable belongings” were so numerous that the move had to be carried out in six runs. But the time was well spent. Lady Xaraya, our landlady, managed to show us a place where we could get a good breakfast, and another place for an evening meal. She also warned us (about a hundred times) not to play cards with the locals—very thoughtful of her.

After we paid in advance for two dozen days, Lady Xaraya wished us a good night and disappeared into her friend’s house.

“It looks like the little old ladies are planning to get a bit tipsy tonight,” I said. “Let’s go home, Sir Shurf. Don’t be mad, but I’m sick of having to call you Glamma.”

“As you wish, but I prefer to be as careful as we can. What difference does it make what you call someone? What’s really important is that you not slip up in front of other people.”

“What ‘other people’? Our companions of the road are slumbering happily in some flea-bag hotel. I assume that they were fleeced out of more money than we were for that opportunity. Aren’t you thrilled at what my lucky streak has found this time?”

“Yes, to be sure,” Lonli-Lokli admitted. “But I had been expecting something like this all along, so I’m not surprised. I hope my reaction is not cause for disappointment.”

“Of course not! It inspires me with the wonderful feeling that everything in the World is in its proper place. Your placidity, Sir Shurf, is the true underpinning of my spiritual equilibrium. So just stay as you are, no matter what. Now let’s go home, get washed up, and change our clothes. Then we’ll have dinner and take a look around. Juffin, as far as I remember, gave us some astonishing instructions—enjoy life, and wait until a wonder finds us.”

“Juffin gave those instructions not to us, but to you. He told me just to guard you from possible trouble.”

“My heart is absolutely sure that I can’t experience anything remotely like trouble in Kettari! Not a thing!”

“We’ll see,” Lonli-Lokli said. “Wait! Where are you off to? This is our home. Number 24 the Riverbank. Have you forgotten?”

“Yes, I did forget! As one Sir Lookfi likes to say: ‘people are so absentminded.’”

The bathroom was in the basement. Obviously, the inhabitants of all the provinces of the Unified Kingdom had come to a consensus on this matter.

There were no luxuries or extras available to us—just a single bathroom, somewhat larger than we were used to in my homeland, but otherwise nearly identical.

Sir Shurf frowned in displeasure.

“I must say, after a few days on the road I was counting on three or four bathing pools.”

I sighed sympathetically.

“I’m sure that you have no less than twelve at home. Well, you’ll just have to get used to a life of deprivation and do without.”

“I have eighteen of them at home,” said Lonli-Lokli with palpable longing in his voice. “And I don’t think that’s excessive.”

“Are there any holey ones among them?”

“Alas, I am not privileged with such,” my friend said. “You may bathe, Lady Marilyn. I’ll wait in the living room.”

When I went back upstairs a half hour later, my friend raised his eyebrows quizzically.

“You didn’t have to hurry. I would have waited. Or are you always so quick with bathing?”

“Almost always,” I said. “I’m terribly uncouth, don’t you think?”

“To each her own,” Lonli-Lokli said reassuringly. “But I’ll apologize in advance for not being able to clean myself up in record time like you can.”

“Nonsense,” I said, brushing off his apology. “It so happens that I have a little matter to attend to.”

When I was by myself, I reached for my pillow, thrust my hand under it, and waited. Only a few minutes passed before the first cigarette was within my grasp. It had only been smoked halfway to the end. Putting it out completely, I hid it in the small treasure box where I kept my loot. It was a sort of cigar-case with two sections: one for butts, and another for whole cigarettes, which came to me so rarely I was beginning to forget how they tasted. I was loathe to complain, though; they were better than nothing. The few weeks that I tried to get used to the local tobacco were a heroic and bitter memory for me.

About three hours later Shurf finally deigned to come out of the bathroom. By this time, I had already managed to snatch four cigarette stubs, each one longer than the last. It was an uncommonly good harvest. My right hand had rested motionless under the pillow for twenty minutes already, and I didn’t intend to interrupt the procedure. Why should I? This fellow knew too much about me as it was. What kinds of secrets could I keep from him?

“May I know what you are doing?” he inquired politely.

“Well, I’m just making magic to the best of my abilities. This is how I come by my smoking sticks. It takes a long time, but it doesn’t cost a thing. A habit is very hard to break.”

“Is that—are they from your homeland?” Lonli-Lokli asked.

I nodded and tried to concentrate. Sir Shurf examined the butts with skeptical interest.

“Go ahead and try one,” I offered. “It’s like your tobacco, only much better. You’ll like it so much that I’ll have to retire just to have the time to rustle up enough for both of us.”

“You don’t mind? Thank you, you’re more than kind.” Lonli-Lokli chose a shorter butt and lit up.

“Well, how do you like it?” I asked.

My right hand was still empty, and I had promised myself that I wouldn’t light up until I had finished my tedious work.

“The tobacco is rather strong, but it really is much better than what I’m used to,” Lonli-Lokli said approvingly. “Now I understand why you wore such a sad expression whenever you smoked your pipe.”

“My expression was sad?” I asked, and burst out laughing. “Ah, here it is, the sweet little thing—the wait is over! Out you come!” I quickly extricated my hand from under the pillow and studied my quarry.

Oh, great. That’s all I needed: in my hand was a self-rolled joint. The sight and the smell left no room for doubt.

“The devil take it! All my efforts in vain!” I felt cheated.

“What’s wrong?” Lonli-Lokli asked. “You don’t like that kind?”

“Something like that. But it’s worse than that. Most of my countrymen smoke this to relax, but it just gives me a headache. I suppose I am abnormal. Do you want to relax, Sir Shurf? We can trade.”

“Interesting,” Lonli-Lokli looked bemused. “I never refuse the opportunity for a new experience.”

“You want to try?” I beamed. “Then my efforts weren’t all in vain after all. And who knows, it may really help you to relax. That’s something I wish for you with all my heart, Shurf, since you’re not crazy about Kettari.”

I offered him the joint and happily smoked the rest of the cigarette myself. I desperately wanted another one immediately upon taking the last drag, but I only had three left, and a whole evening ahead of me. I turned to Lonli-Lokli.

“Well, are you relaxed, old friend? Let’s go eat dinner.”

Then my jaw dropped so low I could almost hear the thud.

I have no words to describe my astonishment. Sir Shurf Lonli-Lokli was grinning from ear to ear. It just didn’t seem possible that it was his own face. I shuddered.

“That’s some funny smoking stick. A fine little thing,” Lonli-Lokli winked at me, and giggled foolishly. “If you only knew, Max, how funny it is to talk to you looking like red-headed girl.”

The giggles grew into outright laughter.

“Is everything all right, Shurf?” I inquired cautiously.

“Why are you staring at me like that, mate? The big bore that I have been for quite a while now just went for a stroll. And you and I are going out to eat, only . . .” He burst out laughing again. “Only just try to close your mouth. Otherwise everything will fall out of it and . . . and there won’t be anything to swallow!”

“Sweet,” I muttered. “And I thought I’d be able to get a rest from Melifaro for a while. All right, let’s go. Only don’t forget that my name is Marilyn, and yours—”

“Do you really think that all the people of Kettari are going to eavesdrop on our conversation?” Lonli-Lokli asked. “Drop whatever they’re doing and crawl around under the windows of some tavern to hear the names we call each other?” He laughed again. “Sinning Magicians, Max! It’ll be a tight squeeze for all of them! How many people live in this town?”

“I have no idea.”

“Well, however many there are, it’s still going to be a tight squeeze!” Lonli-Lokli brayed like a donkey. “Let’s go. I’ve never been so hungry in my life! Just don’t wiggle your behind, Max, or you’ll have trouble with the male population. Or don’t you object to trouble like that?”

“I object to any kind of trouble at all,” I retorted angrily.

“Let’s go, Marvel!”

“Me, a Marvel? Take a look at yourself!” I said, but Lonli-Lokli was already groaning helplessly with laughter. Nevertheless, we managed to leave for our outing.

Along the way, Sir Shurf giggled without stopping. Everything sent him into gales of laughter: the way I walked, the faces of occasional passersby, masterpieces of local architecture. And you could understand why. By my calculations, he hadn’t even smiled in two hundred years. Here was the opportunity of a lifetime! He was like a Bedouin who had just found himself in a swimming pool. It was pleasant to watch him enjoying himself so thoroughly, as long as he didn’t choke from joy. Whether I had done a good deed or committed the most terrible blunder of my life remained to be seen.

“What are we going to eat?” I asked, seating myself at a small table in the
Country Home
, an old-fashioned tavern that I remembered Lady Sotofa mentioning.

“Whatever we order, we’ll end up eating crap again. You can bet on that!” said Lonli-Lokli, and dissolved in mirth once more.

“In that case, let’s take the easy way out.” I closed my eyes and pointed randomly at one of the meals listed on the menu. “Number eight. I know what I’m getting. How about you?”

“What an excellent way to make a decision!” Shurf frowned and pointed at something. As one might have predicted, he missed, and knocked over my glass, which crashed to the floor. Lonli-Lokli guffawed again. I sighed. And this was the fellow who was supposed to keep me out of trouble?

“Oooh, I’ll have to try again!” Lonli-Lokli gasped, his laughter finally spent. This time I was ready for him, and propped up the menu in front of him just in time. Sir Shurf’s forefinger pierced right through the menu at about the thirteenth item. The owner of this dangerous weapon exploded in laughter all over again.

“You must be hungry,” I said. “I think a hole in the menu means a double portion. I hope with all my heart that it’s something tolerable.”

“Don’t ever hope! It will be crappier than crap!” Lonli-Lokli announced cheerfully. Then he roared at the proprietor who was timidly making his way to us, “Crap No. Eight, and Double Crap No. Thirteen. And make it snappy!”

“You’ve scared the living daylights out of him,” I said, watching the stooped shoulders of the retreating prorietor. “I can only imagine how—”

“No, you can’t! You can’t imagine the teeniest tiniest thing! All the better. Oh-ho! Now it’s time to start stuffing our bellies! Look how he waddles, it’s hilarious! By the way, your way of choosing a meal is really something. Do you see what they’re bringing us?”

“Yes, I see it,” I said. I was completely at a loss.

They served Lonli-Lokli two minute vase-like glasses, each of which contained a fragment of some whitish substance that smelled simultaneously of mildew, honey, and rum. I was presented with a huge pot, filled to the brim with meat and vegetables.

“Bring me the same, immediately!” Lonli-Lokli demanded. “Otherwise I’ll feel embarrassed in front of the lady. And take back that Number Thirteen! We smelled it, and that was enough!”

“You may leave one,” I interrupted. “I’m very curious about what kind of junk you ordered.”

“Go ahead and try it. Personally, I’m not willing to risk my life over such a trifle. Goodness, Sir Max—how funny you are!”

The proprietor stared at us in mute bewilderment and disappeared, taking one of the much-maligned little vases with him.

BOOK: The Stranger

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