The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (19 page)

If all you actually want is to head out with the boys for a night of drunken party hijinks, then by all means go right ahead and ignore everything I’ve been telling you because it doesn’t relate to your goals. But if you want to solo mission your favorite gentleman’s club with the intent of bagging a stripper girlfriend, then you need to be
aligned and congruent
 with a different way of presenting yourself to others, and interacting with the girls in a responsible, adult fashion.

I do not at all want to confer the false idea that you need to be Daddy Warbucks, Donald Trump or Scrooge Mc-
Fucking
-Duck in order to get down and have an enjoyable time at your local strip joint. You can totally enjoy the show, have a few drinks, spend time with the girls, and still make it home with money in the bank, and time to sleep before work tomorrow.
Or
you can drink until you black out, get your ass kicked by security, go on a permanent stripper shit list, and wake up the next day with an empty bank account and no job because you slept in past noon again.

Just get clear before you head down to the club that you will pay to play, and on any occasion where you cannot or will not be able to pay, you will just stay home and jerk off to crappy free porn clips on the Internet instead. This is just how the real world works, and you’d better get used to it now, or you’re likely to spend more than a few nights crying yourself to sleep over the blatant unfairness of it all. As the comedian Denis Leary once said, “Life sucks, buy a helmet.”

Every
stripper you’ve ever met has been on the job working at the time that you met them. They’re not dating, hanging out at a singles mixer, or hoping to get lucky tonight. They’re not trying to get laid in the VIP with some dude they’ve known for less than an hour, and stripping is neither charity nor community service.

The fine ladies over at the
BYOB girlie joint
 across the county line out on
old Route 6
aren’t a bunch of desperate sluts just waiting around for a chance to throw their pussies at you for free, although it may be kind of entertaining to think so. Girls who work
need to get paid.
Maybe that sounds a little cutthroat but just remember that a dancer works to earn what may be the sole source of income, not just for herself, but for her kids, as well.

There are only so many hours in any given shift, and you can only do so many dances in any given hour. There is an upward limit on the productive capacity of a stripper during any given working period, and most dancers will have
little patience
for a
no-money customer
 when rent on the apartment comes up in two days, and the car note just went thirty days past due.

A generally well-known way to compensate a dancer for her time is one in which the customer takes on the role of a
Sugar Daddy
. In this method, the customer assumes a large portion of the responsibility for the financial well-being of a particular pet dancer.

The Sugar Daddy provides a cell phone, usually as an extension of his own contract. This gives the girl a free phone with no monthly cost or contract hassle, but it also gives her customer access to her, ability to track her phone, and pull her phone records. The stripper gets her rent paid, or even has an apartment provided on the customer dime.

Sometimes “Daddy,” will pay for a car, or loan his pet stripper an extra car (usually his wife’s, oddly) on a semi-permanent basis. A guy using the Sugar Daddy strategy will go out on
money dates
 during which there will be
large
sums spent on expensive meals, and entertainment; not to mention the requisite shopping for clothes, jewelry, and cosmetics.

In exchange, the Sugar Daddy customer will have extraordinarily high expectations for access to the dancer not only in the club environment, but off venue, as well. This access must be granted unless the stripper wants the rent money to come up short, or watch as a couple of guys in a tow truck come pick up the loaner car she had started thinking of as hers. Once a dancer becomes this dependent on a customer, the situation
will
escalate until it includes sex.

Many girls will refuse sex
initially
, attempting to wrest one more shopping trip out of the situation, or get one last bill paid. At some point, it will become a put up or shut up situation that forces things across the line into what is essentially
prostitution
. If a dancer refuses to cross that line, the arrangement will suddenly terminate, typically in the most awkward fashion imaginable.

When the cops show up looking for a stolen vehicle, reported missing by a customer who’s been playing
Sugar Daddy
with some hapless dancer, you can almost guarantee that somebody didn’t get the return on their investment that they felt was owed them. It’s at times like these that the best you can do is let the dancer cry it out, while offering gentle reminders that this may be for the best; after all, that car only ran on
blowjobs
 anyway.

The Sugar Daddy approach is often employed by a high rent version of the
Sucker
customer (we talked about them earlier, remember?) We’ll call him the
Big Money
 customer, and he’s just like any other
Sucker
, but with more resources. He tends to enjoy more
relative power
in his dancer dealing than the typical Sucker, since the girls who depend on him will have a lot more to lose.

The Big Money has a decent
bankroll
, resources to support his pet dancer, high expectations, and demands that
must
be met. Big Money successfully uses the Sugar Daddy methodology, but will be unable to match an actual, full-time Sugar Daddy in scale and investment.

Whether you are a Sugar Daddy or just Big Money, it all comes down to
buying pussy
. Seems like it would be ever so much easier just to hire an escort for the evening, but how the fuck do I know? I suppose that guys who are pursuing this path aren’t
actually
buying sex so much as they are buying a sexually desirable,
off-the-shelf girlfriend.
 If this is your thing, by all means knock yourself out. But if you have the money to buy the girl outright, you won’t need a book like this to help you along the way.

As I have already said numerous times, what goes on in the club is a fantasy and
should be kept there
. Your pursuit of the hot dancer that will make your friends envy you generally
won’t fare well
in the light of day, or when you take her shoe shopping at the local mall. Determine instead to win the heart of your dancer inside the club, and maintain the separation between fantasy and reality even when she has become yours in the off hours.

Mostly, you can’t follow the Sugar Daddy or Big Money path and expect your pet to think of you as a potential soul mate
anyway
. Perhaps that appears to indicate a lack of gratitude on the part of strippers who benefit from such an arrangement, but it actually demonstrates that dancers are quite capable of
perceptive clarity 
where other people are sometimes blind.

At the heart of things, strippers know Sugar Daddy types for what they are; a mobile financial resource that can be activated whenever needed in exchange for a
limited
time investment and
tolerable
physical contact. An ability to be realistic and a propensity for tolerating moderate levels of unpleasantness in the course of achieving lifestyle goals should not be mistaken for actual love, affection or as a statement of preference, however.

If you go this route, you forfeit the goal of overcoming the highly tuned defenses of an exotic entertainer, winning her heart outright as she hunts for the next money mark within the relative security of the club that she calls home.

Know this;
every
woman in the world can be bought.

That’s not meant as sexist commentary, it’s simply a statement of clear reproductive imperatives that guarantees the survival of the species. Women will always be susceptible to high levels of perceived security in potential male partners; it’s the best way to ensure that your offspring can reach adulthood without being eaten by a
Saber Toothed Tiger
.

Guys who can walk into the club and make all of your money problems disappear with a wave of a black
American Express
card are satisfying that requirement even if they happen to be less desirable than other men in a physical sense.

Is hooking up simply a matter of money and resources? Maybe so, but only if you assume “money” refers to some arbitrary quantity, and “resources” must be those associated with financial wealth, property ownership or intellectual rights.

If you have money to pay the cover, if you have money to buy her a drink, if you have money to tip her on stage, if you have money to tip at your table, if you have money to pay for a dance, then
you have money
.
And while you may suffer from a lack of certain physical resources,
it won’t matter
if you focus on being, thinking and acting with resourcefulness.

The quality of
resourcefulness
 is not a possession to be bought and sold, and it is not conferred by right of birth or decree. Being resourceful cannot be taken away, or lost by accident; it’s not the byproduct of luck, or chance, and it does not become old, irrelevant, or go out of style. If you cultivate the quality of resourcefulness, then
you have resources
.

STOP HERE,

Lean in close,

And understand this:

You have enough money to compete

You are as resourceful as you want to be.

Women don’t want to be bought

They want to be won, and you can win this game.

So Go Fucking Win.

Four

Winning

Chapter 13. There's No Sex In The Champagne Room

What extras do you do in the Champagne Room?

None.

What do you mean by none?

-
O
VERHEARD CONVERSATION.

There’s no sex in the Champagne Room…or so Chris Rock would have us believe. Is he correct? Well, the experience is going to be different for everyone and, as they say, your mileage may vary (or
YMMV
in online postings and text messages) but if I were a betting man I would probably take odds that Chris Rock knows a thing or two about trying to get laid in the Champagne Room.

I think that I already said this, but
don’t do dances
, at least not with a dancer you need to get all serious with. As we already talked about, doing dances tends to leave you squarely in the
customer-only
 category. In other words, the girl gets accustomed to you being someone she trades with;
her
sexuality for
your
money, something which is not
exactly
the same thing as trading sex for money.

JUST
A
JOHN

Becoming someone that purchases intimate contact from her will not make you a potential boyfriend, it will just make you into someone who buys shit from her; a 
customer
. Worse still, you may be seen as a guy who wants sex without first proving his worth, demands sex without regard to a woman’s feelings and pays for sex if necessary. If you feel that way, what must you think about her? Is this girl you claim to love some kind of a
hooker
, is that what you think?

Do you respect, love or remain loyal to a hooker? Do you provide for the safety, well-being, and security of a hooker beyond what you leave on the bedside table when you’re through? The girl you are dancing with may think that if you are willing to pay for this level of intimacy with her, you’ll be more than happy to do it with other girls, as well. 

Regularly dancing with a stripper you are trying to hook up with may oddly result in being deemed untrustworthy. Of course, that doesn’t suggest that you could
never
enjoy the thrill of a private lap dance with an entertainer you’re trying to pull, just don’t do it regularly.

Sometimes you might get a dance with a girl only to realize she’s the one you’re interested in. People have a tendency to meet like that in strip clubs because the environment is structured to encourage introductions in the dim lighting of a private dance area, so neither of you should be overly bothered by it. If this is the case, then just switch tracks with her after the opening dance encounter concludes. 

From this point on, you will not be her dance partner, and you will not buy her desire. What you will do is compensate her for the time she spends entertaining you, and, for most dancers that will be perfectly acceptable. Given a choice between being handed cash for sharing your company over the course of a drink, or going to the back room so that she can rub all her soft bits across your rough jeans for the same money, the majority of entertainers will select the drink-and-light-conversation option.