The Sudden Departure of the Frasers (35 page)

‘We would refuse to give permission for the test,’ Jeremy said, defiant.

‘I don’t know if we
could
refuse. And think about it, Jeremy, even if they didn’t request DNA, even if Rob saw me again, in court or anywhere before then, pregnant exactly the right number of months since it happened, knowing he hadn’t used contraception … Well, you say it wouldn’t cross his mind but there
could
be doubt, couldn’t there? Enough doubt that if we didn’t win and he walked free, if he chose to pursue it, if he found out about your fertility test and tracked us down, he could demand a DNA test of his own? It would be a disaster, I – we – would never be rid of him our whole lives!’

‘But why on earth would he go looking for fertility tests? Did you ever say anything to him about our having problems conceiving?’

I hesitated. ‘Well, yes, I hinted at it.’

Jeremy blanched. ‘Oh, Amber.’

‘I had no idea any of this was going to happen,’ I protested. ‘And we were friends, good friends – all my friends knew we were trying for a baby, I was getting advice from every mother on the street. Don’t you see how complicated this is? This idea will only work if we disappear now, before I start to show. We have to stop the police from pursuing this and cut off contact with everyone we’ve met in Lime Park. I can’t even see Imogen and my other friends. We can’t have anyone guessing the truth.’

‘This is insane, darling.’

I could feel myself growing agitated. ‘I don’t want to go to a trial, Jeremy. You heard the statistics Wendy quoted. This type of case is the hardest to get a conviction for, for obvious reasons. Everyone knew I was in and out of his flat all the time. He’s already claiming we were having an affair …’ My voice strained and caught as I presented Rob’s truth as a lie. ‘He’s insisting that I was consenting that day, and there are sure to be people who’ll believe him. I don’t know if I can cope with testifying, reliving it in front of him.’

Jeremy stroked my forehead very delicately, as if testing the tenderness of a bruise, and I knew then that he did not believe Rob’s story about the affair, he believed mine; he believed it wholeheartedly and had allowed himself to develop no alternative theories.

‘I understand your feelings about wanting to keep the baby, really I do. After all that time trying, it’s completely natural, plus you’re still suffering from the shock of the assault. But, as I say, there
are
other options. And what about the fact that if you
don’t
go through with this and he gets away scot-free, he could do it again to someone else? What about that poor woman you said he’s just moved in, Pippa? We can only hope she’s moved straight out again the moment the police came calling.’

We had arrived now at the crux of the dilemma, the very trickiest of all the moral ambiguities we faced: could Jeremy continue to share his life with a woman selfish enough to put other women at risk? Could he collude in that crime?

He didn’t have an answer for me, not yet. He said he
needed to think about it. ‘Try to rest,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you worrying about him any more.’

‘But –’

‘Whatever we do, wherever we go, I will protect you from this monster. That’s a promise.’

‘Thank you,’ I whispered.

I imagined the monster in his flat, sitting in the dark, Pippa surely having fled by now, his life suspended as he faced the prospect of a criminal trial and possible conviction. Did he wonder if his university nightmare would be resurrected, or those blurred lines he’d navigated with Kenny’s colleague – and who knew which others – damningly redrawn? I imagined his thoughts of what jail might be like, a place where perpetrators of sexual assault were shown little mercy.

Mercy, he’d said to me once, that’s an interesting quality for a child to care about. Do you mean were you hurt?

Not then, I thought.
But now, yes
.

The next day Jeremy went into the office for the first time since we’d moved into the hotel. I stood at the window and watched him walk from the entrance towards the river, to anyone else just another middle-aged man in a business suit with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I imagined him never returning. Contact with his colleagues, with normal people, would bring him to his senses and I would hear from him again only through his solicitor. I would go back to my mother with my tail between my legs and a baby in my womb, no different in the end from her.

And irrespective of my status as victim, that was, after all, no less than I deserved for my marital betrayal.

But I should have known better. When he came back that evening, he brought with him the flowers and chocolates and magazines you might take someone in hospital. He held me and kissed me and told me he’d made a decision. He would accept the baby as his own. We would not return to the house or cross paths with any of our Lime Park friends again, but would move far away. He would talk to his partners about taking a six-month sabbatical, or at least working from an office at home, and his team would be briefed to rebuff all enquiries that were not strictly business-related. He would arrange for us both to change our mobile phone numbers and email addresses.

‘We’ll put my name on all the medical forms and on the birth certificate. We won’t discuss it with anyone else ever. That has to be our sacred vow.’

‘Yes.’

‘Quite apart from anything else, we don’t want our child finding out he was the product of rape. We’ll move heaven and earth to prevent him from finding that out.’

‘Or her,’ I said, pleased that he was thinking like this, like a parent.

‘Agreed?’ he asked.

‘Agreed,’ I said. ‘I can convince myself, I know I can. This is a new start.’

‘You’re very brave,’ he said.

‘No, I’m not. It’s you who’s brave.’ This was quite true. I’d made new starts before, cut off circles of friends, denied selective stretches of history; it was Jeremy who’d
had no need to and knew nothing of the emotional disorientation, the mental stamina, that it entailed.

‘Rubbish. I don’t want you to suffer any more distress than you’ve already suffered. I’ll phone the police first thing tomorrow morning. Leave everything to me.’

I could not obey him on this score. It was not a flawless plan even from his perspective and certainly not from mine. Rob was not the kind of man to roll over without a fight (I knew
that
to my cost). And so, having sent Jeremy out to buy me more toiletries, I did something against all official advice and without telling a soul: I made contact with the perpetrator.

‘Rob?’ The phone felt like a grenade I needed to hurl as far from me as possible to survive. I gripped it uncomfortably hard, forced it to my ear.

‘Amber, is this you? What the
fuck
is going on?’ His fury kindled instantly, the spitting heat of it causing my heart to squeeze and stutter.

‘Nothing’s going on,’ I said, cool and steady in voice if not in body. I was shaking badly, but reminded myself that he could not see my fear, he could not intimidate me. ‘Not any more. You’ll be pleased to know that I’m going to withdraw my allegation tomorrow morning.’

There was a horrible pause before anger and relief combusted. ‘Why the hell did you make it in the first place? What are you playing at? Is this some kind of sick game, history repeating?’

I held my nerve. ‘There’s no need to pretend with me, Rob. I’m not recording this phone call.’

‘Pretend? I’m the only one here who
isn’t
pretending.’

‘You know that’s not true. We both know what happened and nothing will change that. I’m withdrawing for reasons of my own, not to save
your
skin.’

‘Reasons of your own? I’ll give you reasons! Do you realize I was led from my house in handcuffs? A fucking squad car in the street outside? I’m on
bail
and all our neighbours are going wild about it!’

‘What?’ I was taken aback by the idea of the neighbours knowing anything – Jeremy had been right, the gossips had flourished. Well, it was no more than he deserved, I thought.

His voice came again, spitting into my ear. ‘That’s right, word spreads when someone is thought to be a danger to society. When they’re picked up by the police at exactly the same time the kids are leaving for school. It took about two minutes for people to believe your total fiction.’

‘It is
not
fiction,’ I said, as forcefully as I could muster, but he seethed on, his hatred as tangible, as poisonous, as it had been that horrible afternoon.

‘Pippa’s left me. Doesn’t fancy prison visits, d’you think? Felicity’s put her flat on the market. A lot can happen in a couple of days when you’re a sex offender, eh? It’s only a matter of time before I get a brick through my window or a mob forcing me out.’

‘Well, so be it,’ I said, bravely. ‘That’s nothing to do with me. As I say, I’ll be withdrawing my statement and you’ll have to deal with your guilt however you choose.’

He gave a bitter, black-hearted laugh. I could hear the ragged sounds of shallow breathing, and his voice when it
came again was ominous, almost infernal: ‘Did he find out? Is that why you did this?’

‘You know why I did this. You were there.’

‘You had an affair, Amber. You were willing every single time. More than willing, you were fucking
avid
. How can you live with yourself, lying like this?’ The words were not spoken but spewed, vented, leaving me in no doubt that he despised me and always would.

‘How can
you
?’ I countered, losing confidence, terrified to find that he still had power over me. This was how bullies worked, I told myself. They made you believe their truth; they rendered yours worthless.

‘You know, my lawyer rang the hotel and they said there was no record of you having had a guest that night. They said you were on your own. How long have you been planning this?’

‘There was no plan,’ I told him, sickened by the memory of how naïve and defenceless I’d been that night. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Are you clinically insane all of a sudden? Or maybe you have been all along, Jesus … It’s evil, Amber, what you’ve done. Did you think he’d just forgive you, no questions asked? Did it turn out he wasn’t so indulgent after all? Was he going to throw his little princess out of her interior-designed tower, back into the gutter where she came from?’

I did not respond to this storm of abuse, only grateful that we were not face-to-face when he delivered it, for if we had been he would have struck me, spat at me. Degraded me. As it was, his voice in my ear was petrifying enough. I remembered what I’d said to Jeremy –
I am
strong, I have a reason to stay strong
– and it gave me the courage I needed to say what I’d called to say, to bring this exchange to a close. ‘I’ll withdraw the allegation only on the condition that you never contact me again – or Jeremy. We’re moving away and we want to put this behind us. If you try to find me, I’ll contact the police immediately and ask them to reopen the investigation.’

‘I wish I’d never laid eyes on you in the first place,’ he hissed. ‘Slut.’

Don’t listen to him, I told myself. You’re almost there now. He will never hurt you again. ‘So you accept my condition? Will you promise not to come after us?’

He made a sound of pure revulsion, pure enmity. ‘Just get the police to drop the inquiry and I swear I will never try to see you again as long as there is breath in my body.’

‘Thank you. Goodbye, Rob.’

‘Fuck you, Amber.’

By nine-thirty the following morning Jeremy had informed the police that I wished to retract my report of rape. He put the call on speakerphone and I listened with trepidation, fearful of being accused of wasting police time or even warranting a charge myself. There was a horrible moment when DS Graham pointed out that they might still proceed with the investigation without my co-operation. He said they’d interviewed Felicity Boyd the previous afternoon and she had confirmed my evidence about saying ‘You’ll never lay a finger on me again’ and leaving number 38 that afternoon in extreme distress. She would be a very credible witness. There were others too in
the process of being located, including the college girlfriend, now living in Newcastle, and other former partners, though it would be several days before formal interviews could take place. But with Jeremy’s urging, he at last admitted that the CPS would almost certainly insist on dropping charges without my central contributing evidence.

There was nothing else, after all: no physical injuries, no forensic evidence – whatever they’d collected at the scene could only have pointed to sex, which Rob freely admitted to, and not to sexual crime, which he did not. There’d been no restraints used, no torn clothes. And Felicity’s testimony might just as easily be shown to corroborate Rob’s account – that he had ended our affair and I’d reacted badly – as it did mine. We all knew how crucial context was.

I was required to make an official retraction of my statement and it was agreed this could be done at the station local to the hotel, to avoid any possibility of my running into Rob in Lime Park. I had to declare that I did not wish to pursue a criminal allegation against Mr Robert Whalen of 38 Lime Park Road and that this was my own decision; I had not been persuaded by any other person.

I was asked if I would reconsider since it was so serious an allegation.

I said I would not.

‘Does it remain true?’

‘What do you mean?’ I said.

‘Is it your support you’re withdrawing or the allegation itself?’

‘Both. I just can’t do it,’ I said, my voice weak. I felt
faint, not myself, the strain of this – or perhaps the pregnancy – depleting me of energy.

The police said they understood my position and that a letter would follow in due course to confirm that the inquiry had been closed. I imagined the details, the names and dates and times, on that national computer database for an indeterminate period.

Next, Jeremy spoke to the estate agent and solicitor about putting the house on the market. Profit was our last priority, speed our foremost. We would not hold out for the best price or consider anyone in a chain, but would sell at a realistic figure to the first cash buyer past the post. We would rent in another part of the capital short term while we decided which area to relocate to. No contact details were shared besides Jeremy’s office address and new mobile phone number.