The Suicide Diary (12 page)

Everyone crammed into a large booth and I tried not to notice Liam sat next me. I asked for a lemonade and lime while the others ordered a variety of alcoholic spirits. The conversations over lapped loudly and now and then laughter would erupt before someone would introduce a new topic. I tried not to get too involved, just saying enough to be polite but this group of seven people wouldn't let me be.

The names of the ones who were more outspoken in class were easier to recall but I recognised each of them at least. The dark-haired, youthful looking guy across from me smiled at me. I thought I remembered his name was Jack but I couldn't be sure.

“So Nina, I hear you’re like the smartest girl in our class! Next time we get put in groups I’m requesting your team.” he said.

Since my mid-week routine had condensed to class, eat, study, sleep and repeat I had no excuse for not getting good grades but even in my head it sounded pathetic.

Before I could even think of a modest response to his remarks, the pretty brunette next to him spoke up. I already knew her name was Kara since she was a social butterfly and had introduced herself in the first week and we had had a couple of brief conversations. She had the kind of warm smile that makes it hard not to reciprocate. “Yeah you’re the only one keeping Liam on his toes. He won’t shut up about you.” She turned her smile to Liam.

“Eh I may have commented on your debating skills a couple of times.” Chipped in Liam while giving her a look I couldn’t quite see.

Thankfully the conversation moved on to the Christmas night out they were planning and didn’t come back to me until I made my excuses and left an hour later.

But the reprieve wasn’t to last. I was like a shiny, new toy and they wanted to know more. In the next couple of weeks, things became easier and more difficult at the same time. I had made friends and they all seemed like sweet, fun people to be around and I could feel myself wanting to become a part of their group. But I didn't feel comfortable being this girl again, opening myself up to people I had only first laid eyes on a few months. And Liam most likely without even realising it made things even more difficult for me. Over the coming weeks I became more aware of him whenever he was by my side, walking to classes, in the library, the seat next to me in the bar when I was occasionally convinced to go with the group. I made excuses of illness to avoid the Christmas night out since I knew it was a step further than I was ready to go.

My new-found, modest popularity over the next few weeks was unfamiliar but I adjusted, managing to enjoy a little of the group social calendar without getting too attached. I had lunch with the group, and now and then I went to the same bar after class for a little while.

I went home to spend Christmas and New Year with my family including Matthew’s girlfriend Anna who came over for dinner and my Grandmother who came to stay with us. It was really lovely having her there and it was enough of a distraction that I managed to genuinely enjoy myself and not once did anyone ask if I was okay. We exchanged presents and ate too much food and I had my first drink since the summer as my Mother toasted our family and a very Happy New Year.

As the months passed I became a little more dependent on my new college friends, spending more than the odd evening after class in their local bar. Liam was possibly the worst offender for suggesting the group finish the day with food and a few drinks in the bar across road.

I told myself it was a controlled environment where I could relax a little since I knew each of my small group well enough now, and the bar was familiar with friendly staff and little worry of trouble. I could order soda water and lime without anyone knowing I wasn’t drinking and my flat was only a few minutes walk whenever I decided to leave.

One of the other girls lived in the same building as I did, but usually went back to stay at her boyfriend’s instead and the two guys who lived in the next block, more often than not ended up at some party which they would regale everyone with stories about the following day or week. So since I usually had to walk home on my own, I could make an excuse to leave when it got dark which was getting earlier and earlier now winter had arrived.

When I got back to my little room in my shared flat, it was often empty or at least quiet if my flat mates were in their rooms studying. I often sat in my window with a book and a mug of hot chocolate and it was pretty close to happy. I’ve always loved listening to the rain at night time. The streets were quiet and deserted and I could hear the wind rustling the trees and the sound of the rain droplets hitting various surfaces – like nature’s own orchestra.

My 18
th
birthday came around quicker than I expected when it felt as if I had only just started at University. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone in our group and although birthdays had been brought up numerous times, I managed to suggest mine was during the Easter break and I would be on holiday with my family. Instead I went the weekend after my birthday and spent time with my family. My Grandmother took myself and my Mother for dinner and to the theatre and we saw The Lion King which was incredible. I still had money left over from Christmas so I added my birthday money to my savings account and decided I would do something nice with it soon.

Back at college, I didn’t feel any different now I was a legal adult. I was almost hoping I would suddenly be a better version of myself but I tried not to be disappointed when I still looked and felt exactly the same.

When we sat in one of the booths in the bar, Liam would sit next to me and quite often started conversations with me while the others were discussing something else. For the most part I sat like a rabbit in headlights, answering his questions as vaguely as I could, laughing at his stories and trying to bring the rest of the group into the conversation. Liam had the most beautiful, bright, blue eyes I'd ever seen and I could feel my stomach tighten on the rare occasions when our eyes met. I didn't know what was going on and it scared me. It had been just over eight months since everything with Chris and even less since Anthony - it all still rang loud and clear in my memory. I wasn't sure I was even capable of real feelings or if it would ever be possible for me to be in a normal, functioning relationship but I knew I certainly wasn't ready for that yet. But these little flutterings in the pit of my stomach worried me and I knew had to do something. I thought at the time maybe it would be a step in the right direction.

I knew it would humiliating if he felt nothing for me at all and I didn’t know how to explain that I thought I was possibly beginning to feel something for him, but I really wasn’t ready for a relationship. Part of me didn’t want to know how he felt at all and yet another side that seemed to enjoy my suffering was encouraging this impending disaster. So of course, I decided to take the easy route and wait until the Summer break and send him a text – at least when he replied to say he wasn’t interested, I could make up some excuse about being drunk or that one of my imaginary friends had sent it as a joke.

Nina was one of the funniest people Alex had ever met and yet she just didn’t get it. Granted it was mostly sarcastic, one-liners but she had often had him in tears with laughter. He missed her twisted sense of humour and the sound of her laugh. She hadn’t had much to laugh about in the years he had read about so far so he was glad at least they had laughed together.

The end of our first year was closing in and after several weeks of intense cramming, there were plans for a night out to wind down after months of studying and exams. I changed my mind about going on an almost hourly basis until my Mother interfered and decided for me.

I was home for the weekend just before my exams were about to start. She demanded to know what our plans were to celebrate in two weeks time and commented on my having no excuses about having to study anymore. She had been delighted that I had made friends and was determined I cement those friendships by celebrating the end of our exams. When I finally caved and told her the group were organising a night out together, she smiled, and this time it reached all the way to her eyes which made me feel good.

She woke me early the next day with breakfast in bed, ordered me to shower and dress and took me shopping. So there I was five hours later, laid on my bed staring at my new dress and make up which were intended to make me into something resembling attractive or at least less i-couldn’t-give-a-damn.

The exams flew in far too quickly, especially the hours in the examination room which felt like mere minutes before the final bell rang to put our pens down. I had studied all year and focused the last few weeks as best I could so I thought I had done alright but it would be weeks before I knew one way or the other. It was early summer by the time our final exam was over, so it was warm and everyone was in good spirits. Perhaps it was more with relief since there was nothing more to do for this term, or at least, nothing more we could do now but await our results.

I was having an internal debate over what was worse - going out and being sober and miserable while everyone was drunk and happy around me, or staying in, being miserable and getting lectured again by my Mother? The latter won in the end and I began the process of getting ready for my first proper night out since the year before.

As per the group’s routine we wandered out the front doors towards the local bar. I was walking with Kara and Melissa as some of the group walked ahead of us and a few stragglers caught up behind.

Liam was a few steps in front of me when I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye. The car took the corner too fast and skidded across two lanes.

"Liam!" I screamed and he half turned to me before his eyes flicked back towards the car heading straight for him. He jerked as if trying to take a step but wasn't quick enough before the car ran straight into him. We could only watch in horror as his body was tossed up into the air and spun twice before he hit the ground with a bone crushing thud. We rushed as one to his side. I wanted to pull him up off the cold ground but a little voice reminded me you shouldn't move anyone after something like this. Tears ran down my face as I held the sides of his head as gently as I could without moving him. It felt like hours, but finally I heard the cry of the ambulance nearing and watched as they put Liam and the driver of the car on to stretchers and into the back. It was the first thought I gave to the driver of the car and I hoped he wasn't hurt even despite his speeding being the cause of the accident. Several minutes passed with me standing there on the pavement not quite sure what to do. I felt arms around me then and I was pulled away from the scene. It was only then I noticed the car had crashed into the outer wall of our bar. One of our group drove me the few hundred yards home but I can't even recall which - I sat in the front seat staring out the window, unable to listen to the mumbled chatter as the other three in the car discussed what had just happened.

When I got to my room, I pulled my phone from my pocket and hammered in a text
. ‘When you get this, please let me know you’re okay.’
It was only late afternoon and the rest of the day dragged, broken only by the occasionally vibration as my phone buzzed and I lunged to check it. Group texts light up my phone from the others discussing what had happened and debating whether to cancel the night out. I didn't bother reading the rest and instead crawled into bed for a long, restless night.

‘
Nina, if only it had happened before the exam! =) There was some pain but they gave me a load of painkillers .Good to know you care, see you soon I hope
x
’ his text read.

Why is it girls dissect and analyse everything a guy says? I know they do, since I’ve heard it, seen it in films and even been asked advice on the matter.
Why is it good that I care? Is he trying to be funny or does it mean something more? And is 'see you soon' to be taken literally or is it just an expression? I typed out and deleted three replies one after another before settling on asking how bad the damage was and that I was sure the group would arrange another celebratory night out.

He had a plaster on his broken arm, a sprained ankle and bruised ribs. An uncomfortable memory came to mind but I wished him well and said goodnight. I couldn't bear the thought of him in pain and I began to think that being with me would only do just that. That night I tried to put away any feelings I had for him. Even if I didn't believe in signs, how much more of point had to be made - he had been knocked down and hospitalised only a few days before I had planned to tell him that I thought I may, possibly have feelings for him.

Some of the group had gone out anyway once they knew Liam was going to be okay and used it as another excuse to celebrate along with the end of our year. Kara text me the following day to tell me about the drunken antics I had missed out on.

It took a few days to empty my residence flat as I was going to move back home until the new term began in September again. It took only a matter of hours to pack up my entire life into four, medium sized, cardboard boxes and then I lay on the striped bed to rest for a few minutes.

It was a clear, sunny afternoon outside the flat but I couldn’t remember the last time I had sat out and enjoyed the sun on my face. The silence was interrupted by a ringing; against the quiet it was loud and abrasive. I slowly realised it must be my mobile phone, the one that rarely rang and I hadn’t bothered to change to a ringtone. I roused myself and went to answer it, if only to stop the noise. The voice on the other end was hoarse and muffled but I was suddenly alert and listening. It was my Mother, breaking her heart down the phone line as she tried to gently ask me to make my way to the hospital to say a final farewell to my Grandmother.