The Sun in Her Eyes (38 page)

Others are arriving so we don’t talk for long, saying goodbye and heading inside.

The church is cold and hushed, and up ahead is Doris’s open casket. People are going forth to pay their respects, but Ned looks uneasy.

‘I’d like to see her,’ I say. ‘Do you want to save us a pew?’

He nods thankfully. I know he’s squeamish about the deceased.

I walk with trepidation up the aisle, taking in the stained-glass windows and the simple white calla lilies tied to every second pew. I feel like I want to look anywhere but at Doris, but
eventually I lift my eyes to stare at the old lady lying before me.

She looks so small – even smaller in death than she appeared in life. Her face is pale, but there’s rosy blusher applied to her cheeks, and her long white hair has been fashioned
into a braid falling over her left shoulder. Her hands hold a bunch of calla lilies, tied with a white satin ribbon.

There is a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball as tears brim up and spill over. And then suddenly I see her…

I’m crying as the nice lady with blue eyes places my sheep in my hands, but I stop at the sight of the broken white car she has just lifted me out of. Where’s
Mummy? Before I can ask, she holds me tightly and turns around, and suddenly all I can see is bright sunlight.

‘What’s his name?’ she asks happily. I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut. My lamb doesn’t have a name. ‘Is it a boy?’

I nod my reply to her question.

‘How about Lambert?’ she suggests, and then she starts to sing as she walks down the hill away from our car. ‘Lambert, the sheepish lion…’

I open my eyes and look over her shoulder, away from the light, but she moves again so I can’t see Mummy.

‘There, there, it’s okay, little one,’ she says in a kind voice, continuing with her song. ‘Lambert, the sheepish lion…’

Doris
named him Lambert, I realise with a start.

I blink rapidly to clear my vision, brushing away my tears as I stand and stare at her.

She gave my mum some peace in her final minutes of life. Another stranger might not have stopped, might not have waited and listened to someone who asked to be heard. It would have been so much
easier to run away and get help, however futile help may have been. I can’t imagine how she had the strength to remain and watch Mum die. She offered comfort and for that I’m eternally
grateful.

‘Thank you, Doris,’ I whisper. ‘Now rest in peace.’

And please say hi to Mum for me
…

Dad and Liz initially talked about having a small service, but it’s amazing how easily things can spiral out of control. A large congregation is packed into their local
church, including dozens of their colleagues and friends, and even a few of mine, too.

Ned and I sit at the front, Katy taking turns to bounce on our laps.

A few minutes before the service is due to begin, someone taps me on the shoulder. I look up to see Ruth smiling down at me and Tony hovering behind her. My gut twists. Is Ethan here? Surely
not.

‘Hello there!’ I manage to recover quickly, getting up to give each of them a kiss.

‘Hello, Amber darling!’ Ruth gushes. ‘You look beautiful!’

I’m wearing a fitted dark-green dress that shows off only a small post-baby bump. I’m surprised I got my figure back so quickly.

‘I saw you sitting up here and just wanted to say hi,’ Ruth says before I can thank her. ‘Is this your little one?’

‘Yes, this is Katy,’ I confirm, glancing fondly at Ned, who’s still seated. ‘And this is my husband, Ned.’

‘Hello, Ned,’ Ruth says, hastily adding, ‘No, don’t get up,’ when he makes to do just that.

He stands up anyway, greeting them both like the polite boy he is.

‘How are you?’ I ask. ‘I didn’t know you were coming today.’

Damn Dad for not warning me!

‘We wouldn’t have missed it for the world,’ she replies. ‘It’s so good to see Len taking a leap of faith after all this time.’

‘It is,’ I agree with a genuine smile.

‘Ethan was sorry to miss it. He’s working today. Just couldn’t get away,’ she apologises, oblivious to my relief.

‘Not to worry. Dad wouldn’t have expected it,’ I say, as the vicar appears at the front of the church.

‘Ooh, we’d better sit down,’ Ruth says, clasping my arm before letting me go.

‘See you later,’ I say.

‘Bye, sweetheart,’ Tony adds, making himself scarce.

Ned raises one eyebrow at me enquiringly.

‘Ethan’s parents,’ I explain as we settle back into our seats, and then the organ music pipes up, distracting us both.

We all rise as Dad and Liz appear at the church doors. He’s dashing in a well-cut black suit, and Liz looks resplendent in a long lilac-coloured blouse, draped over matching silk trousers.
Dad doesn’t use a stick as they walk arm-in-arm down the aisle, and there are murmurs of delight and happiness from all around, only quietening when they reach the end. They really are
surrounded by love here.

It’s a beautiful service – I blub at all the appropriate parts – and Katy coos and gurgles and even steals the show at one point, making everyone laugh. But she doesn’t
cry once.

When it’s time, I go to the front of the church to sign the register. I’m Dad’s witness.

‘Well done, Dad,’ I say, kissing his cheek and then doing the same to Liz.

‘No getting rid of me now,’ she mutters jokily into my ear.

I laugh out loud, making the vicar glance at us. ‘As if I ever stood a chance against you, anyway.’ I arm-bump her. ‘I’m, seriously,
so
happy for you.’

‘I know you are, darling. I appreciate it.’

I dab at my eyes and sniff. ‘Don’t do tears, my arse.’

Then Liz is the one laughing out loud and startling the vicar.

The next few hours fly by. Katy falls fast asleep in her pram after dinner. We drape a blanket over the hood to muffle the light and noise, before settling in for a night of
constantly checking on her. No doubt she’ll have us up in a few hours anyway, not that I’m drinking much.

I’m breastfeeding, but it’s not just that: Tony and Ruth have supplied the booze from Lockwood House, and the reminders of Ethan every time I see a bottle are not welcome.

Incidentally, I left the bottle of wine he gave me for my birthday as one of my thank you presents to Liz and Dad.

‘Why didn’t you tell me Ruth and Tony were going to be here?’ I ask Dad when I catch him alone.

‘Oh!’ he cries with regret. ‘I meant to. I bumped into them a couple of months ago and they offered to do us a good price on the wine. Everyone else and their dog was coming,
so I thought it would be remiss not to invite them. I meant to tell you.’

‘Did you invite Ethan?’ I ask curiously.

He looks awkward. ‘I did in passing, but I wasn’t really thinking. I was relieved when Ruth said he couldn’t make it.’

I’ll say…

‘You and Ned seem happy?’ His words prompt my smile to slip back into place.

‘We are,’ I reply, scanning the room for my husband. I see him chatting to Nell and George. He looks like he’s having fun. The Lockwood House Shiraz is certainly going down
well, that’s for sure.

Liz appears. ‘Have you told Amber where we’re going in August?’

‘Where we
might
be going,’ Dad corrects her.

I look at each of them expectantly.

‘Queensland!’ she says triumphantly.

‘Oh.’ I smile pleasantly. ‘That will be nice.’

‘We’re
flying
there!’ she adds, stumping me in my tracks.

‘What?
How?
’

‘Liz has been getting into hypnotherapy,’ Dad says with a proud smile.

‘You know what I was like with his relaxation exercises,’ she says and I nod. ‘I was getting quite good at them,’ she continues. ‘So I thought I’d try my hand
at phobias. I’m not saying we’ll be jumping on a twenty-four-hour flight any time soon, but we’ll start with Queensland and see how we get on. Maybe we’ll make it to Europe
one day.’

I’m so thrilled at the possibility of them coming to visit that I throw my arms around the pair of them.

And then my heart stops. Because Ethan is standing at the door.

He locks eyes with me for a long moment as I withdraw from my three-way embrace. Dad notices my attention has been side-tracked and glances over his shoulder.

‘What’s he doing here?’ he mutters.

‘He’s collecting Tony and Ruth,’ Liz replies, glancing back at us with a shrug. ‘They said he’d be here shortly.’

My heartbeat accelerates. I glance at Ned, but he’s deep in conversation. Should I go and join him? Or should I be civil and say hello to Ethan?

In the end, my decision is taken away from me because Ethan approaches.

‘Congratulations,’ he says jovially, shaking Dad’s hand and leaning forward to kiss Liz on her cheek.

‘I’ve just seen your mother here somewhere,’ Liz says. ‘Shall I let her know you’ve arrived?’

‘Thanks,’ Ethan says.

I feel his eyes burning into me as Liz hurries off, but Dad is still with us.

‘I’d invite you to stay for a drink,’ Dad says, ‘but perhaps it would be best if you didn’t stick around.’

Ethan blanches before gathering himself together. ‘No, I won’t stay.’

‘Righty ho.’ Dad pats me consolingly on the arm and leaves us to it.

I stare after him in surprise before returning my attention to Ethan’s incredulous expression.

‘Does your dad know about us?’ he asks.

‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘Not about
that
. But he knew how I used to feel about you. Or at least, he guessed.’

His green eyes widen. ‘Oh, right.’

Suddenly I feel twitchy and uncomfortable and really wish I wasn’t breastfeeding so I could sink a whole bottle of wine.

‘It’s good to see you,’ he says quietly, but I’m looking anywhere but at him. ‘I heard you had a little girl?’

My smile is involuntary. ‘Katy.’ I glance towards her pram.

‘Let’s have a look, then,’ he says.

I hesitate, but I don’t suppose it can hurt.

So much for never seeing him again. I was naive to think that we wouldn’t cross paths at some point. There’s no way I could have avoided him forever.

I lead the way to the pram and he crouches down beside it and lifts up the blanket. I kneel on the other side, my heart constricting painfully as he smiles a small smile.

‘She looks like you,’ he says.

‘Maybe when she’s asleep,’ I concede. ‘When she’s awake, she looks like Ned.’

It’s true. Her baby-blue eyes changed within weeks and they now have a beautiful hazel hue. We’re not sure what colour her hair will be yet, because she hardly has any, bless
her.

Ethan slowly lowers the blanket again and regards me over the top of the pram. Reluctantly, I meet his gaze. The lights from the dance floor are flashing red, green, blue and yellow across his
face. His eyes glint at me.

‘It’s good to see you,’ he says. ‘I’ve missed you.’

My treacherous bottom lip begins to tremble. ‘Don’t,’ I say.

‘Can’t we be friends, A?’ He looks so earnest. ‘We’ve been through so much.’

I shake my head. ‘We were never friends,’ I remind him. For me, it’s always been more.

He nods sadly. ‘Okay. I understand.’ He stares down at the pram and I’m about to get to my feet when he speaks. ‘I’m sorry. I know I acted like a dick. I hope one
day you’ll forgive me. And I
do
still hope we can be mates one day.’

‘Maybe,’ I breathe. ‘In time.’ But it will never be the same.

He looks overwhelmingly relieved, and then we’re interrupted.

‘There you are!’ Tony shouts.

Ethan closes his eyes with weary resignation before standing up to face his dad. ‘You guys ready to go?’ he asks as his mum appears.

‘We sure are, son,’ Tony jubilantly replies, no doubt off his trolley thanks to his own, admittedly excellent, vintage wine.

‘Aah, is Amber showing you the baby?’ Ruth coos. ‘Isn’t she lovely?’

‘Very cute,’ Ethan agrees obligingly.

‘Have a safe journey home,’ I say, standing up. ‘It was good to see you both again.’

‘You too, dear.’ I kiss Ruth and Tony and then turn to face Ethan.

‘Bye, A,’ he says, looking awkward as he hesitates, not knowing whether or not to kiss me.

‘See you later,’ I reply, giving him a quick peck on his cheek and flashing Ruth and Tony a final smile before turning round and scanning the room.

Ned, I see with instant concern, is not standing with Nell and George. Did he see me talking to Ethan? Could he read from our body language that something went on between us?

This is what it’s going to be like from now on, I realise miserably. I’m always going to be living in fear, dealing with my guilt. But my guilt is my burden to bear. If I ever
offload it onto my husband, it will destroy his happiness, so for the foreseeable future, if not forever, I’ll have to live without his forgiveness.

I know that my omission to tell the truth may not fit in with how others might define ‘being good’, but at the moment it feels right to stay silent.

I’m still so shocked that I ever let a fantasy become a reality.

I thought I was safe inside my head, dreaming for years about Ethan and what could have been. It made it all too easy to go along with it when something did happen. But I sure as hell never
daydreamed about what the consequences of an affair could be – how sick and twisted everything could become.

Fantasising is a dangerous, dangerous game to play. I plan to live only in reality from now on.

‘Boo,’ Ned says in my ear, making my heart skip a beat as his hands land on my waist.

‘You scared the life out of me!’ I exclaim, fighting the urge to smack him. ‘Where have you been? I was just looking for you.’

‘Popped to the loo,’ he replies, his eyes twinkling as he smiles at me. ‘Is she still asleep?’

‘Yes, but probably not for long. Do you think we should go soon?’

‘Sure. Whenever you’re ready.’ He bends down and kisses me and I can taste red wine on his lips. ‘You’re very tipsy,’ I point out with affection.

‘I’m drunk as a skunk,’ he corrects me with amusement.