The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (12 page)

              It's unlikely that any one person will have all of these characteristics at once.  Moreover, to get
too
picky about the kind of man you want to associate with would be a negation of the principle of abundance.  The purpose of this list is to prime your conscious and subconscious mind such that when one of these features pops up, you will know what it means.

Sense of purpose.
  This is the foundational characteristic of the mature masculine and the source of the Good Guy's power.  Since the Good Guy is the embodiment of the mature masculine, then he will always have a strong sense of purpose and direction in his life.  He knows what he's doing with his life and why and has a plan for achieving his goals.

Signs to look for:
Has set and achieved a number of life goals; has a list of goals, written or not, that he'd like to achieve; fills his time with activities that are aligned with his purpose.

Humility.
  Although he is aware of his own powers, he is also aware that the world is much bigger than he is.  This grounds him, giving him a great sense of awe and humility.  He recognizes that his talents are a tool for service to the world, as opposed to an instrument for self-aggrandizement and appeasing his ego. 

Signs to look for:
Mild tendency towards self-effacement; underreporting his achievements; greater interest in talking about you rather than himself.

Decisiveness.
  A Good Guy knows that his job is to take care of things.  Since part of that involves making lots of decisions, he has gotten good at that.  He trusts his instincts and renders decisions efficiently.  He would rather make a decision quickly and then change his mind rather than dwell on it until it's too late.  Because of his decisiveness and the quality of his decision-making, people around him come to trust him, too.  In the presence of a trustworthy man, the divine feminine has a chance to relax and express itself. 

Signs to look for:
Makes decisions efficiently without dithering.

Trustworthiness.
  A Good Guy's word is a Good Guy's honor.  If he says he's going to call you in two days, he calls you in two days.  If he says he's going to pick you up at 7:15, he shows up at 7:15.

Signs to look for:
Does what he says when he says he's going to do it; gets genuinely angry on occasion without trying to sugarcoat it or suppress the anger.

Consideration.
  Lao Tzu says in Chapter 67 of the
Tao Te Ching
:

I have three treasures to keep and hold:
Compassion, economy and humility.

The way people manifest compassion is in their ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes.  The way people show that in their behavior is in what we call
consideration
.  We hold the door open for someone walking in behind us because we know a door in our face is no fun and do not want someone else to experience that.  Similarly, a compassionate man will demonstrate consideration towards you and everyone else around him, from the waiter to the parking valet to an employee.

Signs to look for
: Does all the things thought of as well-mannered; remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and your preferences and does something about them; tips well; treats subordinates well; gets along with kids.

Strong internal compass.
  The chief feature that distinguishes a man from a boy is the same as what distinguishes a woman from a girl: an internal frame of reference.  When a man has a strong internal frame of reference, he makes decisions based on what constitutes
his
fulfillment, as opposed to looking to outside sources for approval.  For better or for worse, one of these outside sources is sometimes
you
.  Therefore, somewhat paradoxically, the Good Guy is not the one who caters to your every whim and desire, but rather the one who has his own enlightened self-interest in mind.   

              Part of being the embodiment of the divine masculine involves the ability to stand firm amidst the passions and vicissitudes of the divine feminine, the most likely source of which will be you.  The man who easily bends to your will, then, is not necessarily the one you want (you
will
get bored with him – trust me on this one).  The one who listens to you, weathers the storm of your passion, and still renders rational decisions based on what's best for everyone in the long term, is a much better bet.  You may not necessarily agree with him all the time, but you do respect him for his solidity.  This breeds further trust and allows the flourishing of the divine feminine in you.

Signs to look for:
Stands up for himself without being argumentative; is not afraid to contradict you (in a non-hysterical way) on occasion.

Equanimity.
  The Good Guy is a calm man.  He keeps his cool even when the world presents challenges to him –
especially
when the world presents challenges to him.  Things just don't
bother
him that much.  The way he handles challenges is not through whining or complaining, but rather through action (see
decisiveness
entry above).  Very rarely he may get angry about something that genuinely upsets him, but he does not dwell on it.  Although he is a passionate individual, he has learned how to channel his passion in an organized, constructive way.

Signs to look for
: Grace in the presence or absence of pressure.

              As a side note, you're probably noticing how all these characteristics dovetail into one another.  Equanimity is related to the internal compass, which in turn relates to decisiveness.  Humility and compassion go hand-in-hand and are related to the last feature: acceptance.

Acceptance.
One of the central principles of Taoist philosophy is accepting the world as it is instead of trying to struggle against it.  Chapter 29 of the
Tao Te Ching
, one of my favorite which I have drawn upon several times in this book, expresses this principle succinctly:

Those who try to fix the world fail.
The world is sacred; it can't be improved.
Those who tamper with it harm it.
Those who grasp at it lose it.

There’s a time for leading, and a time for following;

A time for blowing hot, and a time for blowing cold;
A time for motion and a time for rest;
A time for  vigor, and a time for exhaustion;
A time for beginning, and a time for ending..
The sage sees things as they are
And takes the middle path, away from the extremes.

The Good Guy understands this.  Therefore he accepts himself.  From Chapter 30 of the
Tao Te Ching
:

The good are effective.

They achieve results but are not proud

They achieve results but do not boast.

They achieve results but are not coercive.

The Good Guy is in control, but not controlling.  Because he accepts himself fully, he is able to accept you fully.  This means that he will not try to fix you – he will have chosen you because you are already what he desires.  He will not rail against the world because it does not conform to his will.  Rather, he will flow with it. 

Signs to look for:
being comfortable in his own skin and generally tolerant of others.

The Good Guy's secret turn-on

              I'm about to let you in on a big secret on how to make the dating dance significantly easier and more fun for yourself, especially if you find it a challenge to meet men.  And the secret is this: an available man loves to be approached by a woman.  Especially if he is the right kind of man.

              What women do not realize is that men are terrified of rejection.  I have spoken and written to thousands of them, and that is by far their biggest fear in dating.  So even though they may look like invincible hulks of self-confidence on the outside, all of them secretly cower inside at your power to utter that dread syllable: "NO." 

              This explains why you have so many men who have taken considerable time and effort to show up to a venue and then spend the next three hours chatting with their male buddies or twisting swizzle sticks instead of meeting the nice ladies who are there specifically to meet them. 

              Recently, I asked ten thousand of my male readers to recount a specific episode where a woman did something that was particularly appealing.  The answers all boiled down to two things:
showing appreciation
and
taking initiative
.  So taking the initiative turns out to be one of the most attractive things you can do when interacting with a man.  In Chapter 9, we will elaborate on how to make it incredibly easy to get the interaction started with any man practically anywhere.

Good Guys love it when you take initiative.

The dilemma of dating the Great Man

              Some of you will have the opportunity to date truly extraordinary men.  These are men who have excelled in their fields of endeavor, be it science, art, spirituality, leadership, business, or sports, and may have even achieved some renown.  They aren't just Good Guys – they're
really
Good Guys.  Let's call them Great Men.

              Should you have the opportunity to get involved with one of these Great Men, there's something you need to know.  The extreme manifestation of any trait tends to become its own opposite.  And so when a Good Guy becomes really,
really
good, he becomes in effect – you guessed it – a bad boy. 

              Let me illustrate.  If he's a powerful guy and very sociable, he's going to be very smooth.  Because he doesn't have a lot of time and he's used to getting his way, he'll want to move things along quickly.  Because he likes to challenge himself, he's likely to be a thrillseeker.  He's a powerful guy, so he's not going to care too much what others think of him.  He's a man of status, power and perhaps wealth that other women have noticed, so he's going to have some options for companionship.  So for all the world he looks like a bad boy on the surface.

              Greatness is both boon and burden, and it will always impinge upon the close relationships of the Great Man.  The rewards of being with a Great Man can be significant, so if you have the patience and strength to put up with the burdens, perhaps it's right for you.  I'm not here to prescribe you a course of action, but rather to increase your awareness so you can make better decisions. 

              Every Great Man may not be a pain in the rear, but it happens often enough to be worth mentioning.  My job is to ensure that you are as well-informed as possible, and so I want you to know what you're signing up for when you choose to get involved with a Great Man – specifically, a bit of trouble.  Gandhi beat his wife, neglected his family and got himself assassinated, which is enough to ruin any relationship.  Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy philandered and made their share of enemies.  Any number of renowned composers, musicians, artists and writers seriously tried their partners' patience with various excesses.  It's up to you to pick the kind of trouble you're willing to put up with and to find it exhilarating or annoying.  Every relationship involves a degree of compromise; just know what you're getting yourself into.

Part II

Be

Chapter 6. Beliefs

How to keep a healthy mental diet

              We all know that for optimum health, it's important to eat well and avoid junk food.  It's called junk food for a reason: it tends to be high in fat and sugar and low in the nutrients that your body truly needs to flourish and thrive.  The same principle applies to your mental health.  To maintain a robust mind that continues to serve your growth and development, you must feed it the right kind of food. 

              Edible food comes through your mouth, and mental food comes through your eyes and ears.  Books, magazines, radio, movies, television, billboards and the like are the substance of this food.  While we have a fair amount of control over what food we ingest, controlling what enters through our eyes and ears tends to be trickier.  "The eye it cannot choose but see,/ We cannot bid the ear be still," as William Wordsworth once said.