The Title of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 8) (12 page)

“    .   ”

“What’s the matter?! Hasn’t anyone got anything to say against the King?!”

“  
! !
!
   ”

“Ha, ha! Jolly good! Free men of England sharing their lack of cares in general camaraderie! Hear, hear!”

“    .   ”

“Confound it I said
hear,
hear!
”

“Eek!” “Oh!” Right, we mean, hear, hear, right?”

“Hear, hear! Oh God save us, hear, hear!”

“Hark! I hear the approach of running footfalls. This may be an emergency. I command that all present be silent and let the newcomer speak uninterrupted at his entrance.”

~gasp!~
“Hark my friends! Please excuse my bursting upon you but we must hurry! I have seen a contingent of the Sheriff and his men! He doth rideth in this direction! He will be here soon! We must hurry and hide our meager grain supplies that we do naughtte starve next winter... Oh, I beg your pardon, I do naughtte know thee, good man. Who art thou?”

“I am Lemmy, King of the farms. You are mistaken, young man. These are all pledged and loyal sons of the crown and would never do something so base as to hide grain from the Sheriff, merely so that they may survive the coming winter’s freeze.”

“Baughtte everybody does it. They have to! They would die you silly twit! What kind of farmer are you?”

“‘Kind’ of farmer? There are different types of farmers? I had never considered this. I have always thought a farmer was a farmer. If you’ve seen one filth covered little peasant toiling away in the muck then you’ve seen them all. Oh, no, I see, thou refers to the type of produce I grow, or perhaps livestock I tend. Let’s see, which should it be? Ah, I know, it’s turnips. I am a turnip farmer. Yes, from sunrise to sunset, you can find me tending my turnip groves. Tricky thing, growing turnip trees, don’t you know. It’s all a matter of knowing when to harvest and when to prune and other such nonsense, eh? That’s why I say it is better to separate the male and female plants...”

“
Eek!
” “T’is a madman!” “He is raving with lunacy!” “He knows of our tax liabilities!” “We are doomed!” “We’ll be thrown into dungeons!” “Hanging!” “Locked into public stocks to suffer the cruel torments of our friends and neighbours!” “We cannot let them escape!” “Catch them!” “Kill them!” “Aye, slay these madmen at once before the Sheriff arrives!”

“...therefore necessitating adding salt to the turnip trees’ fertilizer...”

“Oh my Goodness, Lemmy, this here little pub of sweet, gentle, English citizens is now a mobbe of angry and desperate people with murder on their collective heart! We better slip out the back, quick!”

“What’s this? Are there fisticuffs afoot? Sqiddley, dost thou dare infer that I should withdraw out some rear entrance like the bowel movement of a goat?! I came in through the front door, and I shall exit, through the front door, Sir Ic... er, Squiddley! Hah! A bit of rough and tumble, eh? Come Squiddley, let us to battle, engage!”

“Yessir!”

“Ho, ho! I bequeath this mighty strike unto thee, thou undeserving scoundrel! Ha, ha! In the name of the King, I dub thee Sir Sleepsalot!”

“C’mon, y’all, just gimme three steps to yonder door and you all won’t see of me no more.”

“I club thee asunder, you villain!”

“You got a funny way of going clubbing, sir.”

“I stiketh thee, and thou, and tho! Verily, my pugilistic peasants, I smeeteth, smiteth, and smoteth you naughty knaves!”

“Sorry mister, I’m gonna grab a hold on you, locking your head up under my left armpit. As your buddies rush to help,  I’m going to use this hold on your neck to get some boost into the air. The first feller got him a mouth full of heel. I’m gonna come back down only to bounce back up and grab buddy number two around the ears with my feets. Slinging myself over to the right sends you boys tumbling through the rustic furniture in a double peasant takeover!”

“Come here, you young varlet that I may press thee high above mine head and hurl thy body bodily at yon body of friends whose bodies form an inviting triangle pattern. Ha! A Royal Strike!”

“Uh, are you done smashing this place and these people to smithereens,  Mr. Lemmy, sir? I hope you are learning all you want of the life of an English citizen. If it’s all right, though, can we just go on and hit the road?”

“Certainly! Ah, a merry time in a jolly English tavern. Yes, Squiddley, this is the life for me!”

- 
 
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“So you really think that by putting more money into circulation, it in turn will generate more wealth and income for the state?”

“Well, sir, these things work in cycles. You put too much into the aeconomy, and you’ll wash out your money’s worth, but if there ain’t no money being circulated, then that’s when things get stagnant. I’m thinking it wouldn’t hurt at this point in your countries history to get some fresh coins bouncing around. You’ll reap a tremendous harvest in the long run.”

“I do so like being wealthy.”

“Yessir, I reckon most folks feel the same way.”

“Tell me more of your funny Greek governing techniques.”

“Yessir. We call it a democracy. The citizens choose their leaders in elections.”

“I see, rather than being born to serve a landowner, one serves the state.”

“If you ain’t careful, something of that nature may arise.”

“Your elections are a popularity contest, are they naughtte?”

“Yessir, one man, one vote.”

“The nobility’s votes count more, surely?”

“Nossir, everybody’s vote counts the same.”

“Certainly the King’s vote counts for more than one vote! It only stands to reason that the King’s vote should count for a hundred thousand votes of common men!”

“Nossir, there ain’t no king.”

“This is a realm of madness! All men of equal worth and say in government!?”

“Yessir. It was not always that way, though. There was a time where men of a different race were only given a percentage of the vote. This was called ‘The Great Compromise’, but it really wasn’t all that great.”

“Your world is far from Utopia, Squiddley.”

“Yessir, but it is incumbent for folks in any time they live, to make their world a better place while they are there. We have made big steps in some ways, but are dragging our feet in others.”

“How so?”

“Well, take women’s rights for instance. There are many that feel women should be equal citizens under the law as men. It ain’t right to treat a woman as a piece of property as so often happens in all of history. Women want to have control over their own destiny. They want the right to vote. They...”

“
Bah
-hahahahahaha! Women voting! You are a funny little man, Squiddley.”

“It’s true! Women have the right to an education!”

“An education! Dost thou believe the female mind capable of literacy?”

“Yessir, I do! Not only that, but wouldn’t it be fine if there was education available to the public in general? Just imagine, every man and woman in the country, being able to read, write, and do arithmetic. Everybody could have an appreciation for art, literature, and sophisticated entertainment.”

“Verily, thy dost boggle my mind with thy...”

“Hold it right there, mates! Hands in the air! Give me all your money!”

“A robber! Hey, this is highway robbery!”

“Very observant little man, now hand over your money!”

“This sort of thing is against the law. We do naughtte associate with criminals. Good evening, sir.”

“Naughtte so fast, big boy, I said give me your money.”

“Why on Earth would I do that?”

“I’ll stick you, otherwise.”

“I have no great fear of sticks.”

“I mean I’ll stab you with this big dagger!”

“You cannot have a dagger, it’s against the law.”

“Baughtte I’m a highwayman, breaking the law is what I do.”

“Baughtte that would make thee a criminal!”

“Dawn slowly rises.”

“Baughtte the King hath decreed these things to be illegal!”

“Pffft. The King. Are you giving me your money or naughtte.”

“What dost thou thinketh?”

“All right, you asked for it, big fellow-woah! Ow! Lemme go!”

“Lemmy go mean on thine wrist, methinks! Methinks this dagger you have dropped now belongest to me! At least, until such time as I can turn it and you, highwayman/criminal/robber, over to the proper authorities...Oh, drat, he has broken away.”

“Hey, Lemmy, I think I see the Sheriff and his posse! Howdy Sheriff, the rascal y’all are after went thataways.”

“You men, what mischief do thy make?”

“We didn’t make no mischief sir, we were on the wrong end of such a predicament!”

“Then why dost yon burly serf brandish an illegal dagger so menacingly?”

“Verily, I brandish it naughtte, noble Sheriff. Forsooth I have only just relieved its possession of a violent criminal.”

“I see no such criminal, only you two criminals. Take them into custody.”

“Hey, y’all can’t do this! He’s Lemmy! I’m Squiddley! We’re headliners!”

“Get your hands off of me! Remove these manacles and shackles at once!”

“I can see the big one is going to be trouble. Gag him and let’s get these vermin to the slave market.”

“Hear ye, hear ye, step this way! Londonderry’s finest slave market is open for business! No-one has a selection of fresh slaves as desirable as Insane Saul! Buy all your slaves from Saul, he’s In
sane!
”

“How’s business, Saul?”

“Ach, I can’t give a slave away today! These people don’t know good slaves when they see them! How are you making out, Boris?”

“It is the same with me. It is a slave buyer’s market, I tell you.”

“The two that came in today are nothing but trouble! Bah, better to go ahead and put them in the dungeon to await execution rather than waste another breath trying to sell them.”

“Keep thy chin up, Saul, thy art a good slaver.”

“Thanks, Boris, you too, pal.”
~sigh~
“I’m going to give it one more try.”

“That’s the spirit! Good luck!”

“Hear ye, hear ye, step this way! Fresh meat on the block folks. You sir, you look like a prosperous merchant, wouldn’t your wife there want a new slave?”

“No! She has enough slaves!”

“Oh, honey,
please!
Just one more!”

“No! Don’t you remember what happened the last time?”

“Unh! That wasn’t my fault! How was I supposed to know? Nobody told me that slaves had to be fed. I’ll be good this time, I promise.”

“Oh very well, what do you have, Insane?”

“You’re in luck! Today I have an exceptional specimen for your perusal. This slim slave is the bargain of the day, methinks. I thinketh of this one as an aeconomy model, as it should naughtte take very much fuel to make it run.”

“Ee-ew, I don’t like it. It’s too skinny. Make him show me another, honey.”

“What else do you have?”

“A tremendous beast! Look at those shoulders! Look at those muscles! I invite you to inspect his teeth.”

“Naughtte if thy wouldst keep thy fingers.”

“Oh, honey, it spoke!”

“Blast it, Saul, this slave is uppity!”

“Put it in the fields, friend! Look at it! This creature could pull a plow for years before succumbing to inevitable failure.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Buy one, I’ll throw in the second slave for free!”

“Let’s naughtte, honey. The little one seems docile enough, baughtte the big one has crazy eyes.”

“Prithee, wait, folks, I’ll even throw in the manacles, no extra charge!”

“Merry, I maketh my apologies, Insane Saul, baughtte we shall taketh a pass. Maybe next week.”

“Baughtte, baughtte, oh, fiddlestix! You stupid slaves! You cost me a sale! Where is my whip? Aw, here it is. I’ll teach you some manners!”

“No! Please do not whip this man! Hit me, not him...Hey, sir, what are you doing? Lemmy, no! Don’t protect me from that awful whip, I should shield you! Quit holding me back Lemmy!”

“You big ox! You stupid, worthless slave, you see this whip? I know how to use it! Bow your head!”

“Lemmy, please, lower your eyes! Bow your head! Please, Lemmy, please!”

“Blink, blast you! No slave dares to look his master in the eye! I shall teach thee to respect thy master with this strike!”

~wuh-pow!~

“Aii-ee! No! No! No! Please stop!”

“Tee, hee! Look honey, when Saul strikes that big, uppity slave, the little one whelps in pain! Tee, hee!”

“Still won’t blink, eh? Burning with more defiance than ever, eh? Well how do you like this!”

~wuh-pow!~

“No, stop! You don’t know what you are doing! Please stop whipping this man!”

“Shut thy mouth, runt! So, you big ox, still won’t blink, eh? How about now?”

~wuh-pow!~

“Oh, you stupid slave. I tire of striking you. What do I care if thou art so stupid and can stare unblinking into my eyes, even while I strike thy face? That’s it, I’ve had it! Throw these vermin in the dungeon, that they may be executed in the morning.”

-
 
 
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“Oh, Goodness, I feel just terrible sir. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t never of said nothing about that ol’ incogniter nonsense, Mr. Lemmy.”

“Chin up, lad. As we are quite alone and cut off from the rest of humanity, I feel safe in dropping our aliases.”

“Yessir, your Highness.”

“And do not presume to assume any responsibilities as to our present predicament. All responsibility is mine. You were following your heart and the wishes of your King.”

“I didn’t even know they had slavery in England.”

“Oh, everybody does it, Ichabod. Show me a single people or race on Earth that has never had the stain of this distasteful institution. It was never intended, mind you, it just sort of happened. The perils of Empire, don’t you know. Sort of an occupy-tional hazard.”

“You’re right there, sir.”

“Still, this experience brings the matter to the fore in royal attention. Criminals are often enslaved, and who’s to object? To live on a noble’s land, a man must pay tribute. Once he is ensnarled within the grasping tentacles of legalalities, these are easily turned against the illiterate peasant trying to scrape a living out of an unyielding Earth. When tribute is naughtte met, debt piles up. Debt is passed onto other generations. Parents bequeath slavery to their children. Before you know it, iron collars and steel wristlets gain an unpopular popularity.”

“It’s a constant struggle the world over and that’s a fact. My country fought a bloody war in which emancipation of nearly an entire race of people was at stake. We had to stand up and in a loud clear voice state that the institution of slavery be abolished. My country is going through a tough time now and will likely continue to have growing pains for many years to come. That’s the way it is all over the world. Society everywhere is always changing. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I reckon that’s why we all hope for good leaders to make sure our countries are steered in an honourable direction.”

“Do you have any insight you would share with me, my friend from the future?”

“Europe is almost lost to the hordes from the Asian steppes. Our manner of civilization is hanging by a thread at this period in time. It is so bad, that for a thousand years, this is known as a ‘Dark Age’. England can be the bastion of freedom that re-ignites a thirst for individual liberty. I don’t mean to pick on France, but I can make a clear example here. France has over a thousand year history of a few nobility enjoying immense riches while their peasant subjects are held down and treated as worthless cattle. Eventually, the downtrodden French peasants rise up in a terrible, bloody revolution. The atrocities are terrible, but what is a moment of the guillotine’s blade compared to countless generations of degrading subjugation? To crush the spirit of man is a crime that you can help alleviate. England does not have to be that way! You can put England hundreds of years ahead in the development of individual citizen rights!”

“Ha! The Church would never go for it! Individuality, indeed!”

“Well, instead of one big church, why don’t you let there be lots of little churches. That way, the church does not get too powerful.”

“T’is good we are in this dungeon so that the ears of the Church do naughtte hear thee speak these blasphemies, Ichabod. Still, there may be something to consider in your words, boy. Were we naughtte awaiting certain death at any moment, I might have enacted some changes.”

“Gosh, I wish I hadn’t gotten mixed up in all this business, because now I am afraid that I have messed everything up! I’m scared the future is already altered by my having been here. This place ain’t like I’d of thought it’d be at all! There is real magic in this time, Sire! Other than a rekindling by a recent comet pass, the world has not seen any real magic in over a thousand years!”

“Ha! A world without magic!? No thank you!”

“My theory is that magic is like an Earthly natural resource. What was once abundant is growing scarce. The Earth is going through a change. Perhaps you are a central figure in this evolution of the old world to the new.”

“I may have been, had I naughtte allowed myself to fall into this wretched state.”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“Ichabod, may I confide in you?”

“Of course sire. I reckon the pickin’s are pretty slim right now as to confidantes.”

“You must swear not to tell another living soul, on your word as a Knight of the Round Table!”

“Yes, Sire! Of course, that ain’t gonna be a tough promise to keep as we are both scheduled for immediate execution, nevertheless, a promise is a promise, I will not tell another living soul any confidence you share.”

“Thank you Ichabod. Actually, this is a concern of a personal nature. You know, I love my wife and Queen, Guenevere.”

~gulp!~
“Yessir.”

“And I cherish the friendship of my closest ally, Sir Launcelot.”

~gulp!~
“Yessir.”

“Actually, he is more than a friend, I consider him a brother.”

~gulp!~
“Yessir.”

“But I have the most peculiar feeling that there is something afoot between those two! I don’t understand! I am their beloved King, and...”

“Shutup in there! Stand up! Come with us! Your execution is prepared!”

-
 
 
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“What does everybody want?”

“A hanging!”

“When do you want it?”

“Now!”

“What do you say?”

“Please.”

“Right! Then with no further ado, let us enjoy this morning’s merriment and then trudge back to our daily drudgery. Folks, you are in for a treat today. Londonderry is proud to unveil its brand new gallows!”

“Oooooo.”

“Look at the scaffolding under that wooden platform. T’is a fine construction, built plenty high so that the wee ones in back can see the proceedings. Built to state of the craft specifications, this people killing stage is equipped with the most modern of conveniences! Behold!

~snick.
bloonck
.~

“A trapdoor! Merry, the floor literally drops out from beneath our principles! No mess! No fuss! Just Johnny Criminal doing the stationary, mid-air sprint. Soon, no town shall be without one of these darling little babies!”

“Yay!”

“Wait! Hold your applause! That’s naughtte all! Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time outside of a major castle, I am very proud to display an unexpected yet delightful feature of this wondrous device! It doth sport
two
nooses! We can now execute by way of hanging, two criminals at a time! Double the death! Double the fun! What do you say to that?”

“Hooray!”

“We are all anxious to see this number in action so let’s naughtte dally in getting our first contestants on stage. Here we have our first two participants. I admit, I am a little disappointed at this offering, eh?”

“Boooo.”

“Now, now, let’s naughtte be mean to the little fellow.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“What’s your name, my condemned friend?”

“My name is Ichabod...”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“No, really.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Really, it is! Y’all are making a terrible mistake!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“We were on our way to turn that dagger in!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“We are innocent!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Ho, ho, well, the runt turned out to be entertaining after all! Now then, this ladies and gentlemen, shall be something to see. What a mighty beast this next criminal is. Pardon me, big fellow, baughtte your adoring fans would like to hear your name.”

“This farce has gone on long enough! Remove these chains! Kneel, one and all! Before you is the personification of sovereign royalty! I am your crowned Liege. I am, King Arthur!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Oh, sorry Artie!” Ha, ha!” “Let us bow, ho, ho!”

“Stop laughing, confound it! I tell you I
am
King Arthur!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Do naughtte hang me! You know naughtte what you do! You are committing a catastrophic crime against England herself!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Y’all stop laughing! It’s true! This is your King! This is King Arthur!”

“Yeah, and I’m Guenevere!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“I’m the Pope!” “I’m Saint Nick!”

“I’m the Easter Bunny!”

“Y’all are making a tragic mistake!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Your gonna regret this!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Stop laughing! You are hurting his noble feelings!”