The Tour (24 page)

“That’s something,” he says, taking my chin in his hands. His eyes search my face, stopping on my mouth. “I’ll have it sent right over.” He brightens up a little and bites his bottom lip before he leans in, taking my mouth with his. Everything inside me shouts what we have is true. Two survivors finding one another, healing one another. I beg fate to help keep us
together
even though we have to be apart.

There shouldn’t be anything holding me back from committing to him, in every way. But in this, I’m holding back because I’m fearful about what he’s keeping from me, and if we’re strong enough to withstand the truth about it. He kisses me one last time, soft and wet until I’m breathless and feel a gaping hole opening in my chest.

“I’m waiting for you,” he says into my mouth, and closes his eyes just before tapping the door behind me with his knuckle. The door opens and cold air rushes in between us. He looks away from me, but it doesn’t break the spell.

I don’t know what to say. I’m shaking as I take my Birkin bag with me and step out of the car. It hurts in my chest and my throat constricts as I pass my new security guard, who is busying herself with my security, and Devon, who is putting my bags in the storage compartment under the bus. As I step up the first stair, I turn to look at Kolton. His head is bowed and drooping. It’s painful. The image is too much.

I walk straight back to the bunks in between the lounging areas, and fling my Birkin bag onto the top bunk with my name written on the side of it. I jump up into my bunk, take my phone out, put my earphones in, and play Kolton’s station on Pandora. I pull the curtain closed until it’s completely dark, and sink into the pillow as tears sting their way down my temples.

This is going to be a long three months.

It Spills

“W
here’s Mia?” Kaya’s voice says from the front of the bus. She’s yelling through a Pandora commercial playing directly into my ears or else I wouldn’t have heard her. Suddenly, the curtain gets yanked aside, and there’s Kaya with her hands on her hips. “What’re you doing?”

I wipe my face and sniffle. She walks away and comes back with a box of tissues. “First on my to-do list: comfort Mia,” she says, handing them to me. I take my ear buds out, blow my nose, and wipe my face. “I’m supposed to ride in the other bus with the crew,” she complains. “Did you know Jessie Law doesn’t even have her own security or an assistant?” I shrug and clear my throat. “I think your man over did it a bit,” she chuckles. “But at least I get to meet all of my favorite contestants and stuff.”

“Yeah. Always looking at the bright side,” I say, my voice cry-husky and monotone.

“The hottie,” she whispers, just as Don, the long-haired Adonis, walks past us and looks down at Kaya appreciatively before passing her. She turns bright red and bites her lip. I think I’ve figured out Kaya’s personal mission, and it has nothing to do with being my assistant.

*     *     *

The hum of the bus is my only solace from Kolton’s and my separation. When we get to our first stop on the tour in Sacramento, I stumble out of my bunk, ignoring the other contestant-turned-performers, and run into Kaya and the Adonis walking out of the back lounging area. My muscles are sore. I’ve only been out of the bunk to pee and grab some water, so I’m stiff, hungry, and tired from lying around all day.

I check my phone. It’s almost five o’clock; the show starts at seven. Kaya has some paperwork in her hand as she takes my arm and walks with me to the front of the bus. For a second, I get dizzy. “What’s wrong?” Kaya asks, her voice soft and turning up in concern.

I lean against the guardrail for a second, ignoring her, before walking toward the arena. Kaya follows behind me. “Mia. Wait.” But I don’t. I can still feel him. In every beat of my heart. Inside me pulsing. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. Mayra, my new security guard, comes up behind me, and when we get to the entrance she moves in front of me. “This is Mia Phoenix checking in.”

I watch them talking over some paperwork, and follow Mayra down a stark white hallway toward an elevator. It’s so blank it hurts my eyes. As blank as I feel without Kolton.

We go up on the elevator, and she takes me to a dressing room. She checks the room, and comes out smiling. “There’s something inside for you.”

I walk in. It’s a room for several of us to change in and get ready. The mirror farthest from the door has my name on it with a white card, a vase filled with so many red and blue flowers that I can barely see the mirror.

I perk up immediately, and run toward them, placing my Birkin on the chair in front of the mirror. I smell the scent, like a field of spring, and search for the card. It says:

Mia, My Love,

Red roses are for true love

Red tulips for perfect love

And Forget-me-nots are for faithful love.

This is us, in a vase. Enjoy your first show.

I’m proud of you. Do you still feel me? I’m there with you.

And you’re with me.

Kole

As I read his words, I can almost feel him whispering them into my ear. I take my phone out of my Birkin and text him.

Kolton

5:18 PM

I found my flowers. They’re beautiful. Thank you

5:21 PM

I miss you.

5:22 PM

It hurts. I love you. <3

5:23 PM

I know. I love you more. Now get ready. You don’t have long.

5:24 PM

Bossy

5:25 PM

Some things never change.

I plug my phone into the wall and sit down. “Mia, what the fuck?” Kaya yells, pulling one of my bags behind her.

“I’m sorry. I just needed to get out of there.” She drops the bag, smacking the back side against the too-white floor tiles.

“Talk,” she demands, giving me an angry face with the tense jaw and side-eye.

“I—I’m scared, I guess.” I slump my shoulders.

“Of what?” she pushes. Mayra closes the door behind her, giving us privacy.

“It’s all jumbled,” I try, my words getting caught in my throat. She gets the chair in front of the mirror next to me and pulls it close, sits down, and turns me toward her. She leans forward, putting her hands on my knees.

“Spill it.”

“I feel like I’ve lost him. I know I didn’t, but it sort of feels like losing my mom and dad.”

“That makes sense. It’s part of your PTSD.”

“I don’t have that.”

“Of course you do. You lost your parents in a fire, and then were attacked
with
fire, Mia. You have it. I’ll spell it out for you. It’s called post-traumatic stress disorder.”

“I know what the acronym stands for. Geez,” I breathe, looking away from her. Maybe I do have it. Maybe I should talk to someone.

“What else? You’re sad about leaving Kolton and Riley. But what else are you worried about?”

“What if—what if being separated for so long… what if he realizes he can do better? I haven’t signed with him. And there’s other stuff,” I whisper the last sentence.

“What other stuff?”

“Okay. Well, the truth is, I don’t know what happened to Katharina. I haven’t read anything about that night.”

“Why not?” she asks, her eyebrows furrowed.

“Kolton doesn’t want me to know. He’s ashamed, or something. I think Manny killed her. But I don’t know anything else.”

“Mia. You have a right to know. I can show you the video right now. It’s on all the major networks websites. Kolton’s lawyers tried to get it pulled, but—”

“I don’t want to know. I want him to tell me when he’s ready. Just because everything that happens is spoon fed like baby food to the population doesn’t mean Kolton shouldn’t be able to share this with me when he’s ready.” She stares at me, tilting her head to the side like she’s trying to figure me out.

“You really love him,” she says. “Holy shit. This isn’t a fling. This is—wow. Mia, this is real.” I feel a gasp escape my throat. Hearing her say that makes me feel it all at once. Him and me, that we shouldn’t be apart, that I really,
really
love him. It’s like we’re conjoined at some metaphysical level. Like we’ve always been meant for one another but it’s tentative. The future is never a sure thing.

I’m scared to lose what I have now. She hugs me, and I hug her back.

“Hey, can I be a spoiled brat and ask you to get me something to eat?”

“There’s my girl,” she says. “I didn’t want to send Kolton a message that you’re not eating and wasting away while you’re away from him.”

“Is he keeping tabs?”

“You have no idea, Mia. He’s fucking crazy about you. He’d do anything for you. And now I know you’d do anything for him, too,” she says, and then something strange passes over her face like a whisper before she shakes it off, stands, and runs toward the door. “I’m getting you some food. Now get ready or you’re gonna be late.”

When she walks out, Jessie and Blaire walk in looking perplexed.

“Trying to keep the room to yourself?” Blaire asks and I shake my head.

“I’m so sorry. Did Mayra keep you guys out? Come in.” I stand up and pick up my bag from the floor and wheel it toward my spot.

“I guess someone misses you,” says Jessie smiling and nodding toward the flowers. I affirm her accuracy with raised eyebrows and a surprised grin. Running my hands over the soft petals, I think of his note.
True. Perfect. Faithful.

Us in a vase.

Sign Here

I
t becomes a routine, like brushing your teeth before bed, or locking the door behind you when you come into the house. The driving, the different cities, the shows—each a repeat of the others. It’s a cycle like the movie
Groundhog Day
. Reliving the same day again and again. The only part that changes is what city I’m in, and the present Kolton has waiting for me in the dressing room.

There have been the flowers, then a necklace with pearls and moon stones, and after that I got matching earrings. Then there was a song he’d written for me, a heart full of chocolate truffles, a Kindle for me to read on, which has really come in handy for the long drives. But today as I walk into the dressing room, I see that he’s given me a jar full of something. What is it? I pick it up and shake it. It’s sand. Beach sand. And there’s a note sticking out of it. I open the top and pull the note out. It is typed and printed on thick beige paper. It says:

Love,

I accidentally watched the Princess Bride last night with Riley and Deloris. Do you know the movie? Riley is reading the book for school and she told me there’s a scene missing from the book and showed it to me. It seems Buttercup had trouble accepting Westley’s love. Sound familiar? There’s a part when he says to her, “If your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.” When he says that, she gets mad at him for saying he loves her more. But he does. Here’s just a piece of that universe to remind you of how much you’re loved. I can still feel you from our last time together. I see the look on your face as you pulled me in. The trust that took. I get lost in that thought.