The Trouble With Before (34 page)

“AM I REALLY
doing this?” she asks, looking at me for confirmation, but her eyes are full of nervous excitement.

I’ve never wanted to kiss her more. “We’re doing this.”

She squeezes my hand as we look across the street at the huge two-story house not more than forty minutes from Chris and Lauren’s place.

She lets out a deep breath and squeezes my hand again. My wife is squeezing my hand. One of the most beautiful girls in the world, a woman I don’t have to watch my words with, who I can be myself with completely, who stirred up hell but created my heaven.

She’s been waiting for this day since she spoke to him. She reached out to her dad, her real one. He was shocked but excited to meet her. They’ve been talking on the phone ever since, and today, she gets to meet him. Turns out her dad isn’t a deadbeat who abandoned his family at all. He seems like a pretty cool guy. He’s a pilot and has been married for twenty-five years. Lisa even has a little sister. They’re all excited to meet her.

“What if they don’t like me?” she asks quietly.

“Then fuck ’em!”

She laughs and rolls her eyes.

“They’re going to love you,” I assure her.

I get out of the car and open the door for her. She always looks amused when I do that. She clutches my arm as we walk to the door. We ring the doorbell, and after a minute, he answers the door. His smile is wide and enthusiastic, and he looks at her as though he already loves her almost as much as I do.

“Hi,” she says shakily.

“Get over here,” he says, pulling her into a big bear hug. When he lets her go, he looks at me as if sizing me up.

“This is my husband, Aidan,” she tells him proudly.

I’ve never been prouder to be called anything in my life.

I ACTUALLY FEEL
bad for even thinking about getting a tattoo that says “fuck fate,” because as terrible as Lisa’s life was with Evie, this side of her family tree is freakin’ awesome. Their house is huge. The first floor is as big as Grams’s entire house. Her sister looks like Lisa but with dark hair, and she’s not one of those whiny teenagers who only cares about myself. She’s enthusiastic and seemed genuinely happy to meet her sister. Lisa’s stepmom looks a lot like Evie, so her dad definitely has a type. Well, if Evie hadn’t spent every day for the past twenty years drinking and smoking, they’d look alike. But with Evie doing a stint in rehab, maybe she’ll come out better.

“I was sort of a wild child growing up. Well, not wild, just . . . I didn’t really take life seriously,” Zachary tells us as we sit on their large deck.

He and I have beers, Lisa and her stepmom, Jessica, are drinking wine, and Lisa’s little sister has half a glass of wine. Life seems different here. The air seems cleaner. Hopes and dreams seem easier to pick up and put in your pocket.

Lisa’s eyes have been bright and hopeful since we arrived. She’s fascinated by her dad, hanging onto every word about his travels, how he and Jessica met, and how he always wondered about the girl with the sad blue eyes but a smile that could light up Times Square. He says Lisa looks just like her. I wonder if Lisa is thinking about what would have happened if he’d have known about her, what type of life she’d have had, how different she’d be.

He tells her old stories, and I can’t believe she doesn’t know his entire life history already from how much we’ve all talked on the phone. He tells her about his three brothers. He never got along with them, but Zachary says that when she’s free, she can meet his parents in Florida. They’re still alive and kicking at seventy-four and seventy-eight. He talks about how wild he was in high school and how he ended up coming to Chicago with his best friend, Gwen, who came to live with her sister in college. He says that she ended up marrying her sister’s boyfriend and moved back to Michigan. I couldn’t help but ask if that best friend had red hair and when he confirmed she did, Lisa looked as if she was hit by a truck. I squeezed her hand and let her know that’s a story for another day and one situation at a time.

She tells them about her book, and her dad is excited about her publishing journey. Apparently, he always wanted to write a book. Lisa’s little sister plans to major in creative writing when she starts school, and Lisa is like a proud mom as she tells them about my car restoration business, which they seem impressed by. Everything is smooth, no drama or embarrassment lurking anywhere.

We sit and drink and talk for hours, and it’s not painful, aside from the fact that I’m on my honeymoon and want to drag her upstairs every five minutes. But the euphoria on her face from finally belonging to a family that’s not twisted or jacked up is going to be hard to beat with anything in the bedroom. After more talking, drinks, and barbeque, we all say our good nights. They show us to the guest room, which is about as big as my living room and kitchen combined.

When they leave us to ourselves, Lisa runs and jumps in the bed as though she’s five. I’m right behind her.

“Whelp, you hit the paternity jackpot,” I say.

She smiles and rolls around in the blankets, which are soft and probably cost hundreds of dollars, just like the ones at Chris and Lauren’s house.

“Today was just . . . amazing!” she squeals, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright. “I can’t wait for them to meet Willa.” Then her face falls.

“What is he going to think of me if he finds out about . . . everything that happened . . . with his old best friend’s husband.” She asks, worry all over her face.

“Hey, we don’t know if it’s her!” I tell her convincingly and she chuckles.

“Same name, same hair color, and same town. It’s pretty coincidental, don’t you think?” she asks exasperatedly, and I pull her to me and kiss her.

“Everything is going to be fine because . . .” I trail off and she grins.

“It’s us against everything,” she says quietly, nestling beside me. I hold her hand and we stare at the ceiling.

“What are you thinking?”

Apparently she can sense the sadness hidden in the corner of my mind. She rolls over on her side, looking at me with her head resting in her hand.

“I just think about how much better off you’d have been if Evie had told you the truth from the beginning, or if she’d just given you to him.” Even though she smiles, I feel really stupid for saying it out loud. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

I roll onto my back and look the ceiling. The bed shifts, and she climbs toward me, then swings her leg over my waist so she’s straddling me.

“Don’t ever say that. We wouldn’t be us if we didn’t say what we’re thinking. But it’d be a lie if I told you I didn’t wish he had been in my life earlier. It would have made things a hell of a lot easier,” she grins as she says this but leans down so we’re eye to eye. Her blue eyes could light up a city. “But if having a different life wouldn’t have led me here, to this moment with my husband, who I love to pieces, and a daughter who, after everything, still looks at me as if I can do no wrong, it wouldn’t be worth it.”

AIDAN KISSES ME
long and deep, and I kiss him the same way, with fire, with passion. We’re so different, yet the same.

He takes my body all night but gives me just as much in return. We’re fire and ice, each other’s beginning and ending. Different sides of the same coin

The next day, I wake up before he does. My dad’s house is beautiful, and our room is large and immaculate, with windows across the entire wall. We even have our own balcony. The little apartment we picked out in Chicago would fit inside this room, but it’s perfect anyway. Rent in Chicago is so expensive, but we managed to find an apartment with an extra room for Willa when she visits.

I sit up and look at the man who loved me back to life, who reminded me that I could be good even when I was content with holding onto the notion that I didn’t deserve good. Now life is
so
good.

So good that I get scared at least once a day that things will come crashing down. Then I realize that life is just days. We get to choose how they turn out. You can’t tie your past to every single thing that will happen. You just do the best you can. And most importantly, I’ve realized that even with all of the trouble I went through before, everything that’s happened has been worth it. Sometimes you have to endure stretches in hell, but it’s worth it for even a little piece of heaven, and if for some reason I fall back into hell, I have someone who will bring me back each and every time.

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I
'M OBSESSED WITH
blowing kisses. I guess that makes me a romantic. I love books and cute boys and reading about cute boys in books. I'm infatuated with the glamour girls of the past: Audrey, Dorthy, Marilyn, Elizabeth.

I'm a self confessed girly girl, book nerd, food enthusiast, and comic book fan. Odd combination huh, you have no idea . . .