The Trouble with Polly Brown (12 page)
Sad as all this may seem, a very unversed Polly cheerfully and naively carried on with her appraisal, foolishly believing his silence meant that like a dried-up sponge he was not only drinking in but also thoroughly appreciating her. Pollyâbeing Pollyâbrightly chirped on and on while remaining completely oblivious to the mounting tension that was fast growing in his study.
“I am telling you all this because I really don't think Stanley would want any of us to feel sad or unhappy now that he has gone. So Mr. Batty, don't hold back. Please tell me now. What do you think?”
A fuming Mr. Batty stood in a stupefied silence, his arms sanctimoniously folded and pressed hard into his chest as he struggled to remain fully composed and in full control, all the while searching his mind in the forlorn hope of finding suitably charitable words with which to respond. There were none to be found.
His heart began to pound erratically, and his tongue remained in perpetual spasm as it forcibly cleaved to the roof of his mouth. Try as he may, no words, kind or otherwise, would come forth. None whatsoever! For here, this day, in his office, he had been forced against his will to listen while this scruffy, illiterate, insufferable, and downright impertinent pupil thought it her God-given duty to tell him the most plainly fanciful and ridiculous stories he had ever heard regarding his school's dearly departed cleaner, stories that had this aged and severely pain-racked former school caretaker now playing childish school yard games in some hocus-pocus place called Piadora! How dare she!
Finally, and against all odds, he found his tongue.
“Brown, you recalcitrant misfit! You, girl, have successfully managed to rattle my cage, for how dare you presume to have the right to address me with such preposterously hideous and despicably outrageous ramblings? You foolish and most insolent girl!” he spluttered.
“Never in my life have I heard such utter balderdash! Get out of here immediately before I am forced to give you another hard stroke of the cane,” he thundered as he continued to gnash his teeth. “And what's more, Brown, if you have even the teeniest modicum of decency hiding away in there”âhe stretched out his hand to give her head a hard knock with his closed fistâ“well then, you will not breathe one word of this hysterically offensive twaddle to any of his relatives. Answer me now, girl. Do you hear me?” he chokingly continued to splutter.
“Yes, Mr. Batty,” Polly muttered, moving her head to one side just in time to escape one of his famous hard and malicious thumps.
Mr. Batty chose to completely ignore the bell as he continued on in his tedious, old-fashioned way to try and instill some sense into the grey matter that he could only presume lodged somewhere between both ears of this insanely stupid girl's head. Finally when he had completely run out of rhetoric, he looked down at his watch and sniffed.
“Oh, and one more thing, Brown. You can be very certain that I will be contacting your guardians concerning this latest piece of inexcusable, unwarranted, and unruly behavior. Do you hear me?” he raged.
“I'm truly sorry, sir, for I wasn't trying to be rude or to offend you. I know it sounds pretty daft, but I really did see Stanley, and he's so terribly happy, really heâ”
“Silence! I order you to be silent, you ridiculously impudent child,” he roared as, foaming from the mouth, his hand spontaneously hit the desk top. For the first time ever he failed most abysmally to curb his rage.
“Yes, sir,” Polly replied, rather desperately placing a hand over her mouth.
“Brown, mark my words. If I hear even one more word spew forth from your runaway mouth, you will, I assure you, be in serious trouble. Do you hear me, you treacherous and uncouth little madam? Now get out of my office immediately!” he roared as he then marched most determinedly toward the door of his office. Then with the office door wide open, he then overdramatically and officiously gesticulated with a sweep of his right arm to suggest that she instantly leave his presence.
Polly didn't hesitate. She turned on her heels, and with her head hung low as usual and still rubbing her hand, she made haste to leave his office. “I'm not lying, I'm telling you the truth. Stanley is happier now than he's ever been,” she mumbled loudly as she made haste to quickly exit his office.
The now very distraught headmaster thrust his head around the door and shouted down the corridor after her. “And Brown, don't even think of attending the funeral service. Do you hear me?” he ferociously barked.
Slamming the office door, he shakily headed over toward his desk, still feeling ridiculously overemotional. He was left with little choice but to admit that he felt stretched to his very limit. He was extremely angry to be feeling this way. He was, after all, the headmaster of a large school, and so to be consumed by such deep runaway feelings seemed unacceptably wrong. As he continued to experience the deepest sense of despair and agitation, he knew he had to do something, and quick, for he felt utterly spent. So, placing his outstretched hands on the desk in front of him, he took several deep breaths before audibly commanding his tattered nerves to calm down. It took a further three gulps of water from his glass before enough peace and tranquility entered his body and began restoring his deeply distressed mind, thus enabling him to pick up the telephone and begin dialing.
As he agitatedly stood by his desk listening to the ringing tone, he took further deep breaths, all the time pondering how this young, meddlesome upstart who went by the name Polly Brown could get so deeply under his skin and in doing so trouble him so very, very much. Finally, he heard a click, followed by a voice on the other end of the line.
“Good afternoon, do I have the castle?â¦I do. Well, that's wonderful.⦠Yes, I need to speak to my good friend.â¦Yes, yes. Is dear Boritz available?â¦Yes.â¦Yes.â¦As per usual it is regarding Polly Brown's latest dreadful and downright insensitive behavior.â¦Oh, he's unavailable at present?â¦Well, do please do me the consideration of asking him to contact me at his earliest convenience.â¦Oh, you want me to hold on?â¦You say he's coming to the phone right now? Well, thank you so very much. I appreciate your help.
“Good morning, Boritz, old chap. It's Batty here.â¦Thank you for asking.â¦I am indeed in splendid health.â¦Yes, I can confirm I am free for a round of golf this weekend.â¦Just say a time, and I will be there.â¦I do hope old Ebenezer Glumchops will be joining us.â¦You say the old codger can make it? Well, splendid news, old chap. Now, while I'm on the line, don't forget to remind Mildred that Agnes has gone ahead and booked a table for four at the Toad in the Hole for eight o'clock next Wednesday evening. No, wait. What am I thinking? It's gone from the four of us to a table for six. I hope you don't mind, old boy, but I've taken the liberty of inviting dear Egor Treblinka and his wife, Ethel, to join us all. He's assured me that he will not discuss teeth, dentures, crowns, orthodontics, or any other related subject, and so I hope you don't mind, old sport. For as the saying goes, the more the merrier, eh? Oh, and please do try to remember that it's meant to be formal evening wear.
“Now then, as you specifically requested, I am also phoning to give you an update on the Brown girl.â¦Yes, I have had an absolute belly full of her insolence. I do believe she's becoming more socially unacceptable by the minute, and therefore her ludicrous behavior almost certainly requires heavy monitoring, for she has me on the verge of doing things that the law most certainly prohibits me from carrying out.â¦
“Yes, I know you too find her quite impossible. In fact, I have no idea how you and Mildred cope with her at all! As far as I am concerned both of you are indeed angels on assignment. It is true to say that we too have her at this school under some sufferance, Boritz, let me assure you now.â¦Hmmâ¦well, if something isn't done, and soon, then quite frankly I am of the growing opinion that in no time she will be beyond any form of suitable rehabilitation. Polly Brown is indeed a very disturbed and troubled mite.â¦Hmmâ¦hmmâ¦
“Quite. I am therefore more than happy to write a report from an educational standpoint expressing my deepest concerns as to the poor girl's mental health. If I am to believe all you are saying with regard to her unruly behavior back at the castle, then I am of the opinion that some form of institutionalization appears to be the only alternative and safe solution for this highly problematic child. Trust me when I say I will give you all the support you require.â¦Yes, absolutely, old chap, and it goes without saying, you scratch my back, and I'll definitely scratch yours.â¦And you too.â¦So I bid you good day and look forward most expectantly to a pleasant round of golf with Glumchops and your good self this coming Saturday. Agnes would also wish for me to send her kindest regards to Mildred.”
Mr. Batty placed the phone back down on the receiver and then called out to his secretary, Miss Eva Beava, to come into his office, as he was in dire need of a strong cup of tea to restore his sense of wellbeing. He also needed to dictate a most urgent and important letter to his dear friend Mr. Scumberry showing his support and therefore adding his voice to the growing number of professionals who were known to be very concerned with Polly Brown's unruly behavior. His dear friend also required that a copy of this letter be sent to another friend and colleague, who went by the name of Dr. Nick Ninkumpoop, head of the Bureau for Mental Health Resources and Child Psychiatric Disorders.
Meanwhile, back in Piadora Stanley Horlicks went on to win the latest round of the junior hopscotch championships. (I say junior, because in order to make it into the senior championships you had to be a lot older than our dear Stanley was.) Upon finding himself completely overwhelmed by the most unspeakable joy that he could hardly contain, Stanley then chose to whirl like a spinning top through a lush meadow, occasionally breaking out into cartwheels as he foolishly attempted to release some of this newly found and very excessive happiness. It didn't work, for he was to remain totally drunk and filled to overflowing with a most unprecedented amount of unspeakable joy
.
He then went on to skip through a field of buttercups, his senses still completely overwhelmed by a ridiculous amount of irrepressible joy, all the while remaining blissfully unaware of all controversy he was now causing back at his old school. Had he known, he would quite rightly, as dear Polly dared to suggest, have been most perplexed, as well as deeply saddened. But as neither sadness nor ugly, petty disputes are welcome visitors in Piadora, it was best that he be left totally in the dark concerning such trivial earthly matters
.
B
Y BEING CALLED
to the headmaster's office, Polly had avoided the usual stampede as crazily deranged, empty-bellied pupils hurtled like runaway steamrollers down the long corridors in a mad dash to be first in line for the canteen. Having spent quite a lengthy amount of time in the headmaster's office, she felt certain the line would be very short, and so she would be sitting down to eat in no time at all. She was once again wrong, for as she neared the hall she was dismayed to see how tiresomely long the line still was. Polly stopped in her tracks and took in a deep breath as she continued to follow after the unenticing smell of boiled cabbage and undercooked dumplings as their distinctive smell wafted down the long corridors of education. As she stood patiently at the very end of the hopelessly long dinner queue, she was forced to listen in on the moans and groans of the pupils around her as they attempted to guess what was on the menu for today.