The Truth About Letting Go (23 page)

I feel her breathe. “We’re going to get through this. It doesn’t always feel like it, but every day gets a little bit better.”

I nod and step back, “So small you can’t see it.”

She squeezes my arm and smiles. “But it’s there.”

* * *

The rest of the week is quiet. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve simply gotten up in the morning, gone to school, come home, had supper, gone to bed and then did it all again. For four days in a row with no surprises, no lapses in judgment.

Trevor returned to school, although his level of involvement causes one to wonder why. But at least now I’m not the cause of his “failure to thrive,” as our teachers like to call it.

The entire school knows about Colt and me doing all the pranks, and even though I’m not supposed to care, it’s kind of cool. We’ve become underground celebrities. Bonnie and Clyde on a much smaller scale. And not shot to Swiss cheese in the end.

Mandy, of course, has given me the total silent-treatment for the rest of the week because I didn’t tell her what was going on. I didn’t even try explaining why.

Every day at our lockers, Jordan has been very focused on getting his books and going to class. The first day when our eyes locked, my heart stopped. What we’d said at the creek was still so fresh, it burned in my chest. But I wasn’t backing down. We both needed to see the truth about each other and not what we wanted to see. Or what we hoped we might be able to change each other into.

At this point, we are black and white, and his hoping I’ll start believing again and my hoping he’ll loosen up will only end with us both hurt.

But by Friday I’m exhausted from pretending I don’t care about him. We’re in the final weeks of school, and the countdown’s on to prom and the last day for seniors. And even though I feel strongly that I could use a do-over on this entire year, I’ll be glad to see it come to a close.

At lunch, Mandy’s stuck to my side as we go through the line. “I’ve decided I’m speaking to you again,” she says, piling lettuce onto my plate and hers. “Even though you didn’t tell me anything about your criminal behavior.”

“I apologized for that,” I say, scanning the cafeteria. Jordan’s not here, but he always eats outside.

I’m looking for Charlotte. I didn’t think to ask how long she’d be out of school. Not that our conversation in her hospital room flowed lovingly into questions of when she’d be back.

“You should thank me for how I handled Dad for you,” Mandy says. “I told him how hard it’s been, how strangely you’ve been acting. He wouldn’t think of punishing you.”

“Yeah, thanks. He was offended Mr. Patel even considered not letting me walk in graduation.”

“God, I love dad.” Then she jumps and glances at me.

“It’s okay. You can say stuff like that. I won’t dissolve into a pool of misery.”

“Well, he still pisses me off most of the time. But he’ll come through with the old ‘got your back’ team mentality when you need it.”

I pick up a water bottle and we head to our regular table. “Yeah, he was great. Mom really appreciated him being there.”

Just then I see Charlotte come in. She’s wearing her usual billowy, black nylon top over khaki pants, and today she’s carrying a little floral lunch bag. I wonder if she’s trying out a new diet.

Mandy sees her, too. “Well, if it isn’t the dream of junk food manufacturers everywhere.”

“Don’t,” I say, setting down my tray and pulling out a chair.

“Are you kidding me? After the way that cow and her elephant friends treated you?” Mandy sits and begins to stir her plate.

“What do I care?” I say, hoping to change the subject. “They were probably just shocked I spoke.”

“They’ll die of shock before I’ll be nice to those pachyderms.” My best friend shakes her head. “And you are not going to go all Jordan and turn the other cheek on me.”

“What’s going to happen if I do? We might start getting along? There are worse possible outcomes.”

“Jumbo the whale needs to back up and recognize that you’ve been through hell this year.”

I smile and put my head on her shoulder. “I love you. And it’s okay. Really. Know what?” She looks at me, and I give her a squeeze. “You’re a lot like your dad.”

“That had better be a compliment.”

She reaches for her water, and I notice a pink mark on her wrist.

“What’s that?” Instantly she tries to slide her arm into her sleeve, but I catch it and pull it to me. “What happened?”

“Nothing!”

My eyebrows crease. “Liar, what did you do?”

I push her sleeves back. Turning her arm around, I see pink marks on the outside of her wrist. She puts her other hand under her leg.

“Look, when someone that hot wants to play freaky with you, you play.”

“Are you saying—”

“Anyway, you broke it off with him.” She’s not meeting my eyes now. “And I called dibs.”

I release her and return to my salad, stirring and watching her face. “It’s okay with me if you want to go out with him. You did see him first.”

“Thank you.”

“And I am interested in someone else.”

She rolls her eyes and grabs her water. “Jordan is going to drive me insane.”

“I think he’d say the same about you.”

She drinks and shakes her head at the same time. “I’ve known him since kindergarten, and all he’s done is grow. Nothing’s changed.”

“Some things have changed.” Then I touch her wrist. “Back to this. Just so long as it’s your idea. No forcing.”

“Forcing’s kind of the way it works. Anyway, you’re not the only one who gets to experiment. It’s senior year after all, and it’s my last chance before he leaves.”

“Where’s he going?”

She shrugs and takes another bite of salad. “Said he’s taking off, planning to do some
Into the Wild
thing. Jack Kerouac.”

“I thought that was Jon somebody.”

“Jack Kerouac? The poet? From English class? Did you miss that unit?”

“I know who Jack Kerouac is. I just didn’t know Colt did.” I look down at my plate and decide I’m finished. “I gotta take off.”

“What the hell? You still haven’t told me about the spray paint, the mascot. What did Patty say?”

“It’s your fault. You were the one not speaking to me.”

She slants her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re wasting our last summer in community service.”

“See ya.”

The bell’s sounding, and Charlotte and her friends are standing and collecting their things. I’m passing right in front of their table as she’s stuffing her paper into the little floral bag she brought. This is it, so I stop and wait until she looks up. When at last she does, she hesitates.

“Hey,” I say. “Glad to see you’re back.”

“Thanks.” Her voice is that high-pitched sweetness I now recognize is a cover.

I hang out a few minutes longer, watching as she finishes cleanup. “Feeling better?” I say.

“Yeah.” She doesn’t look up, and I notice her fingers tremble just slightly. “Thanks.”

“Well, you’ve got my number on your phone now. You can text me sometime if you want to go for a walk or meet at the creek or something.”

She nods. Her entourage is studying us curiously. I smile and do a little wave at them before leaving to drop off my tray and then heading out the door. I’ve got to get to class, but on the way out, I bump right into Colt.

He catches my arms. “Easy.”

“Hey,” I say, finding my balance. “Looking for Mandy?”

That familiar twinkle flashes in his green eyes. “You know, my offer’s still good. I love sandwiches.”

“Whatever. So what’s this Jack Kerouac,
Into the Wild
business?”

He exhales a laugh, looking down. “She told you about that?”

“You’re just going to get in a car and go?”

“We can’t all be missionaries, Bad Ash.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me about that?”

His eyes meet mine, and that softness is there. “You didn’t want that from me,” he says.

I blink down at his hand in his pocket, thinking of us together, the things we did. My partner in crime. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Whatever. We had fun. And, I mean, that’s your deal with High Pockets. He’s the one you talk to.”

This time I exhale a laugh. “You can’t just say Jordan, can you?” Our eyes meet again, and he smiles.

“Well, I think it’s kind of cool,” I say.

For a split second, he studies me. Then he grabs my arm and pulls it up. “Here,” he clicks his pen and writes his number on me. “Save it. And answer my texts. Or try sending me one sometime.”

I study the familiar digits. “Okay. And you stay out of trouble.”

“No problem. I won’t be hanging out with you.”

I shake my head and give him a little smile, and he’s off on a quest for Mandy. I’m off to the quad, but the place is almost deserted, with the few stragglers running to avoid the tardy bell. It’s hard to worry about things like being tardy at this point in the year. I head to class, thinking about Jordan and Mandy and Colt and all of it. One minute I’m sure I don’t care, and the next minute I know I do. I need to make a decision, but I don’t know what’s right for me. I think about what Mandy said about experimenting and wonder if it’s possible to experiment with uncertainty.

I’m staring into the depths of my locker when I see an object all the way in the back. I reach for it, and when I pick it up, it makes me smile. I slip it into my bag and as if my vision has cleared, I know what I’m going to do.

Chapter 19

I’m out of bed before Mom even starts tapping on my door Sunday morning. It’s been good between us since our time at the creek, and even since the incident at school. She’s still working all hours, but now I know why. We’re finding our way back.

I’m not wearing red for church or white. Instead, I choose a light blue sweater and beige skirt. It seems more in line with my thoughts—hopeful, curious. Dr. Andrews is talking about the future and holding onto the things you’ve been taught. It’s a common theme at this time of year with graduation looming and kids headed to college.

Mandy is sitting with her parents. Colt is not here, which doesn’t surprise me. Looking back, it’s more surprising he was here that first Sunday. I think about the marks on her wrists and look down at my hands. Experimenting.

Jordan’s sitting with the other members of the youth group. I haven’t been involved with them since Dad got sick. He’s wearing a grey suit this morning, and he looks so mature and handsome. I wonder if he’s booked after service on some pastorly errand. My mind drifts back to the plan I made Friday afternoon looking into my locker. I hope he’s not.

Just as I’m tuning back in, Dr. Andrews is finishing up. He reads a Bible verse I’ve heard every year since I started high school. It’s the one about how change is a part of life and everything has a season. But his last words are new.

“Live your life so when change comes, you can do good with it. Make your mark one others can build upon, one that will help the ones who come behind you reach new levels.” It’s almost what Jordan said. I wonder if it’s a theme they discuss in their mentoring meetings.

I look down at my hands again, and I slide the silver band around on my finger. Dad wanted me to find the thing I’d fall in love with. The thing I’d focus my strength on. Up to now, I’ve been focusing my strength on fighting, on trying to bring him back. Maybe now it’s time to focus on building something, on letting him go. My breath catches, but I’m saved by the Doxology.

We all stand, and I see Jordan’s gone to the front of the room. Dr. Andrews has come down to stand beside him, and when we’re done, before everyone surges to the exit, he announces what I’ve known for weeks. Jordan will be headed overseas in a month. I press my lips together, the sad knot growing in the center of my chest.

Jordan looks really happy, but as everyone’s clapping our eyes meet. His expression changes and becomes a little sad, too. I look down and then turn to the door. Everyone’s in the aisles, but it only takes me a moment to push through them and break out into the warm afternoon sunlight. I take a deep breath and head for home.

* * *

Will’s in the kitchen making lunch when I arrive, and as if stepping into Dad’s role, he’s brought a bag from the farmer’s market and is elbow-deep in fresh produce and organic pasta.

“Smells good,” I say, picking an olive out of the pile.

“Thanks,” he says, continuing to chop. “No vino for you today.”

I shake my head. “No worries. That was not the greatest night of my life.”

“Sorry about that.”

He’s back to chopping, and I circle the bar, stepping behind him and hugging his waist. “Thanks for the book. It did help. Eventually.”

He doesn’t stop, but he gives one of my arms a squeeze. “It’ll get better.”

Walking over to the cabinet, I spy the bag of mints on the counter and slip my hand inside. My thoughts drift to the night after the bonfire, here in the kitchen. I remember kissing Jordan and the way it felt, and maybe he’s right. Maybe his leaving is for the best. But when I look down at the mint in my hand, all I feel is miserable.

Tears mist my eyes, and I can’t let him go without talking to him one more time. I’m not ready to give in and say I believe all of this church stuff again, but I am ready to put down my weapons and see if there’s a way to compromise. I pop the mint in my mouth and grab my phone, sending a quick text. Then I run to my room and dig in my bag, grabbing the item from my locker and slipping it into the pocket of my skirt. I’m sticking to our plan. I know what I want now, but I’ll let Jordan tell me what he wants.

“How much time til lunch?” I ask my brother.

He looks at the clock. “Fifteen, twenty minutes?”

“I’ll be right back.”

I put my phone on the counter and run to the back door. Jogging down the side of the house in a full skirt reminds me of the day weeks ago when I gave all the sympathetic mourners converging on our house the slip. I’d run to the creek hoping to get away from everything that was overwhelming me that day. And I’d met Charlotte. And I’d made a decision that I was going to change everything in my life.